I can’t sit still long enough to write the novel that allegedly is in each of us. Mine may be in me, but it ain’t gettin’ out.
So what’s a hyper-agitated-can’t-sit-still wannabe author to do?
Narrowly avoiding terminal angst, a lightning bolt of an idea hits me. Why not write fortunes for fortune cookies? They’re super short and someone’s got to write them.
So, I Google “Fortune Cookie Message Writing.” In .45 seconds I have 387,000 results from my search.
I read the first three and then page to the 387,000th just to see if I missed anything. Fortun-ately (pun intended) Google cut me off at 480 saying I had the option to see the entire pool. I said “No thank you,” noting that source 480 was of no use to me, so how relevant could the 387,000th be?
I emailed one fortune cookie company and asked if they accepted “submissions.” I’m still waiting to hear back from them.
Being ever the optimist, I decide to be prepared for this company when it emails me and says, “By all means submit your heart out.” Then I’ll be ready to fire off a few gems for them to read.
After two hours of punching out 10 word expressions, I discover that writing fortune cookie messages is damn hard work. I challenge you to see what you come up with.
Here are my 10 best efforts:
“Do not fear deep water. Stay on shore.”
“Prison’s not a bad place if you’re looking for criminals.”
“When your baby arrives, your life stops and theirs begins.”
“Avoid the cereal aisle in the supermarket. It is overwhelming.”
“True cooks know the difference between an onion and cantaloupe.”
“Never worry. Your bad thoughts spread like smelly farts.”
“You’ll either take a trip, or trip. Choose wisely.”
“Beware! The blue bird of happiness may crap on you.”
“Look for the positive, the negative, and then plug in.”
“Confucius say, ‘Fortune cookies are a multi-million dollar scam.’”
It’s my observation that all fortune cookies are guilty of the incorrect phrase, “Confucius say …” instead of “Confucius says.” In this PC age, isn’t that racist?
I patiently await your fortune cookie writing efforts. And, as “Confucius says, patience is great only if you’re fishing.”