We’re at a crossroads. Our diets and protein sources have been dealt a huge blow right to the schnozz.
Now when you hear, “Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup,” it’s no longer considered a complaint. It’s a delicacy chock full of crunchy protein sans calories. In fact, you may face an up-charge for that bowl of soup with a fly.
These delicacies are not part of the Paleo Diet, the South Beach Diet or any of Dr. Oz’s frequently challenged dietary recommendations. They are straight from the dirt, filth and grime of countries where the norm is near-starvation rather than our native-obesity.
I call it the “Neo-Starvation Diet.”
All the protein you dare, or care to eat comes in the form of crickets, worms, ants and myriads of insects that thought their only predators were aardvarks, birds and chameleons – or humans armed with fly swatters.
Watch out you little beasties. Now that First World venture capitalists have you in their monetary sights, it’s an all out war on you bugs. We can do to the insect phyla what we’ve already done to the rhino, the Bengal tiger and the sperm whale – I just had to get “sperm” into this!
A quick hit on your computer to Amazon.com, and you’ll find a new grocery segment: Edible Bugs. Try it … and remember it’s free shipping if you’re a Prime subscriber.
It didn’t take Big Food long to get involved. Your crickets, worms and other assorted bugs come flavored – Sour Cream ‘N Onion, Salt ‘N Vinegar, Mexican Spice, and Cheddar Cheese. You have the ubiquitous chocolate covered any six-legged thing, and you can count on a pound of bugs being … well, a shit load of bugs.
I bet Amazon had shipping fried worms in mind when he started lobbying congress and the FAA for drone delivery air rights. A packet of those chocolate covered ants would fit easily in the clutches of an Amazon drone.
Given American entrepreneurship and ingenuity, I can already see acres of rotting garbage in Iowa replacing corn and soy beans as ConAgra and Monsanto duke it out for the rights to GMO flies.
This could save California’s drought stricken farmers. How much water does rotting garbage take? None, I bet. You can replace those water hogging almond trees with food waste delivered straight from LA’s finest restaurants.
It’s also another “Willie Nelson Moment.” A package deal – a bucket of crunchy critters to satisfy the munchies you’re bound to get from stoking up on four ounces of Willie’s Reserve, his commercial marijuana brand … Colorado and Washington residents only!
And for those of you still stuck in the DIY lifestyle, there’s no end to the feast you can prepare for the neighborhood.
Check out “The Eat-A-Bug Cookbook” with such goodies as Cream of Katydid Soup and Tantalizing Termites. To stock up on critters, it might take a week or two racing ‘round the hood with your old butterfly net and mason jar. But hey, if we’re getting back to basics, might as well by-pass the middle man and get your own grub – or grubs as the case may be.