What’s Up with Burritos?

“Put your hands up and step away from the burrito!”

Sex crimes, physical assaults, property damage and life threats have all involved the “deadly burrito.”  They’ve also been used as codpieces – could be messy – and hiding places for drug smuggling.

What’s up with that?  Is it the ingredients, the mystical lure of Taco Bell architecture?

No matter.  The fact is burritos are an integral part of some of the most entertaining criminal cases in the USA, particularly in our fair state, Flori-duh.

We know that a couple was arrested on the roof of a Chipotle for “Burritos Interruptus.”  They were in hot coitus when arrested, and hadn’t even made it through the Chipotle line to ingest a damn burrito.

“Burrito Madness” is definitely a situation for further research.  We need to get The National Centers for Disease Control or at least the FBI in on this.  I’m not sure we have to involve Homeland Security.  At least for right now.

My guess is that XXL-burritos make excellent substitutes for hand held weapons.  Not all of us carry around a great pair of old fashioned brass knuckles or the military issued full finger tactical gloves used for helping people remember information that earlier had been “lost” … like, “Where’re the WMDs, Saddam?”

Sure, the XXL Burrito doesn’t cause much more than a mess when it collides with your target’s face, but it must provide a thrill or there wouldn’t be as many people arrested while using a burrito as an assault weapon.

As for the lure of the Taco Bell building … well that’s got to be one of the ugliest structures ever erected in the western world.

The colors clash, comfort was left out of the design because they don’t want you to stay in and eat.  And if you frequent the place you probably already have an anxiety problem caused by consuming food with an average 2000+ grams of salt per item.

Armed with a big assed burrito, this combination of aesthetic and biologic factors is enough to make anyone “flip out” and smack the hell out of the person you love, hate, or who just happens to be standing next to you.

Hmm … as I think about the squish of all the soft tissue involved, I get a bit excited.

Excuse me … I’m off to Taco Bell.  I suggest you wait a while before you go in there.  I could be the next wild eyed salt crazed white guy waving my foil wrapped burrito canon in someone’s face.

Just sayin’.

4 thoughts on “What’s Up with Burritos?

  1. And…there is the collateral damage from the other end of the digestive tract. Talk about adding insult to injury. Time release bio-terrorism. Yes, homeland security needs to get in on this.

    • I think you nailed it, Wilder … The Taco Bell Burrito XXXL Grande must definitely be declared a Bio-terrorism WMD.

      By way of this email I’m sending all your personal information to Homeland Security.

      Expect Agent Billy Blowityourass, a BTW ace (Burrito Detritus Wiping) to visit you within 48 hours. When you are released from custody, I’ll send you new blog posts. Have fun.

      I hear the weather at Guantanamo is just peachy keen, though the company is a bit rough. Thanks for reading my stuff.

  2. Taking the easy way out, eh, Richard?

    Methinks “Richard In the Kitchen” MAKING burritos would be even better food for thought!

    (Hey! If “a bull in a china shop” conjures an image, how much more lively an image would Richard, left to his own devices, with a stove, refrigerator and cookware yield?)

    Gastronomically yours,

    Tom Lloyd

  3. Aaah Tom … you must have a “spy cam” in my kitchen. My wife refuses to be in the kitchen with me. She says it’s like playing hockey.

    As for making a burrito, I’m a master because it is based on fat, oil, cream sauces and corn flour … all things good for me … plus, since it’s a Mexican dish (not a senorita, however), I can whip up an endless supply of Margaritas to go along with it.

    I leave the imaginative scenario to you … thanx for reading my “Stuft Burrito!”

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