GOP De-Bait Format Resolved

Houston, we have a problem … more Republican presidential candidates than can be stacked, squeezed or hung from trapezes on the stage.  We’re talking the great GOP De-Bait crisis.

Fox News wants to limit the De-Bait to a mere 10 contestants, oops I mean candidates on the stage.  But that’s oh so un-American.  We’re the country where bigger, biggest, gi-gan-to rules.  Think Super Bowl, Macy’s Parade, award shows the size of most royal coronations.

Shit, the Duggars can manage 19 kids.  Shouldn’t the great GOP De-Bait be able to handle a measly 20+ candidates?

We have an opportunity here, Houston … not a problem.

If the NFL can turn Super Bowl into an all day event and drag a 60 minute game out to three hours, FOX should be able to rise to the occasion.  Why not stage it as the “Super De-Bait #I?”

Ratings will soar.  Think big, Fox News, and you will be big or finally big enough to rule the world!  This is a stadium sized affair and you don’t even have to build a stadium.

At 20 candidates, that’s only 5,000 people per candidate to reach 100,000 people easy.  Santorum and Huckabee can appeal to evangelicals to “make a pilgrimage.”  Jeb Bush can bus ‘em all in – he’s got the big bucks.  Rubio can mobilize the now wealthy Cuban refugees in Miami and the Texas gunslingers, Cruz and Perry, can roundup Texas – if they can’t get their share from that huge state they need to hang-up their spurs.

If a stage can be assembled in minutes for Super Bowl half-time extravaganzas it should be a no-brainer to build a dais to hold candidates for question and non-answer performances.  Make it a revolving 50-yardline stage with tiered rows of soft cushy chairs – think rich Corinthian leather.

Each candidate’s table would be the shape of his “home state.”

Imagine a highly visible red, white and blue elephant buzzer attached to each table.  Just like Jeopardy, the first to the buzzer gets to create a non-answer to the question … and he doesn’t have to structure his non-answer in the form of a question!

I’m pissed that Alex Trebek can’t emcee the show … but the GOP and the Fox Network are adamant about turning this incredible opportunity into a dismal and boring affair based on some cockamamie notion to de-select candidates for the non-answer De-Baits.

Ho hum … just dreamin’ of what could be.

21 thoughts on “GOP De-Bait Format Resolved

  1. Bravo, Richard “P.T. Barnum” Huss! I see your vision!

    (Though I freely admit I usually vew the GOP as a collection of circus clowns run amuck, anyway.)

    Loved it!

    • I was trying hard not to portray any of the candidates in a particular fashion … yet. I just think it’s funny that they have folks who think they run the gov’t just like a medical office/surgery room, Pizza chains, biz take-overs, churches, or single states. I do think having a certain amount of governmental experience might help … given the individual’s ability to make good use of experience.

      Later on there should be room for “clown car” descriptions.

      Thanks for reading …

  2. If the GOP could see any of our current situations as opportunities, then we wouldn’t have so many problems. Opportunities create more freedom and better solutions. Problems create fear and more fear which makes it easier to control the unruly populace and maintain the status quo.

    Nice work, Richard. Keep on dreamin’. Maybe you’ll create a new party–Dreamers United.

    • Susie,..Thanx for reading my stuff.

      My “creating days” are limited now to only what I can control … like blogs. People are essentially un-controllable, as are cats. So I thank you for the invitation to start the “Dreamers Party,” but I think I’ll pass. Besides, we already have a “Dreamers Executive Action.” Maybe we’ll even have a “Dreamers Act.”
      But, let’s just settler for s Dreamcicle … weren’t they the best tastin’ things?

  3. Win, win for Fox. Let them all come up on stage, debate and audition for new Fox talent (you know like Sarah Palin) at the same time.

    • You’re right … Half of them are auditioning for talk radio and Fox Network … the other half are lobbying for cabinet appointments to the Rep winner’s presidential cabinet … they’re the ones outta luck ’cause they’re gonna lose the election.

      They’ve trimmed Jeb down to fightin’ weight … can’t “weight” (pun intended) for Cristie to grab his chest in one of the De-Baits and fall to the floor screamin’, “This is the big one , Edith.”

      Thanx for reading my stuff.

  4. Richard Twenty sounds about right…. One to tell the lie and 19 to contemplate their navels!!!!

    Fun!!! Only you can make a room full of Republicraps sound sound like a barrel full of monkeys… Good job, yet again!

    • Michael … thanx for the support and for reading my stuff!

      I have it on solid information that 17 of the 19 navel contemplators are “ennies,” and 2 are “outies.”

      Love the play– “Republicraps.” I’ve already used it in a reply. Talk soon!

    • Carla … thanx for reading my stuff and making a comment!

      That’s the whole purpose of holding the “Super Bowl De-Baits.” Get everybody to watch. The more participation in the process, the more democracy we have.

      When we exclude people, we become less of a democracy.

      Screw whether you/we agree with the people pulling the lever … get them the information, let them make up their own minds and give them ample opportunities to cast their ballot!

      I love a good brawl!

  5. I love the state-shaped tables and elephant buzzers. Need a good emcee to say “COME ON DOWN!” and a V anna White type to keep us guys interested in the “topics”. Why not do a quiz show and see how much these guys really know, or don’t know.

    Are you going to write about the democratic debate. Maybe Hillary can debate herself, though I’m sure that’s illegal in Texas!

    • Wilder … thanx for reading and commenting … Let’s see, where to start!

      If Vanna’s still alive, i’m sure she looks a lot like Cher, which is pretty scarier … at least to me. so ditch the idea of Vanna.

      The idea of keeping us guys interested, however, is valid since Sarah is no longer prancing around the stage. Carly Fiorinna is pretty F’ing scary … at least to me.

      There will be no Democratic debate though I’m sure Hillary will share a stage with whomever decides to sacrifice himself, & I do mean “himself.”

      I’m equally sure that “doing anything with yourself” is illegal in Texas. That’s too bad because I would like to see ted & Rick in a naked Wesson oil pile on top of their Texas sized debate table! Just sayin’

  6. Good stuff Richard. I’m sure your intent was to write a satirical essay, but you have written an excellent journalistic piece. As we approach November, we may see a similar article in the “Slantenal”. Headline–GOP Under the Big Top.

  7. Hey Richard,
    I really enjoy reading your blog. I am sure it will be more exciting as the elections grow closer in time. Also, I really liked the concept of a buzzer to answer the questions. You may be onto something here. Keep those cards and letters coming!
    N.

  8. Thanx Nancy … It’s great to get your feedback …

    I thought the state shaped tables and the elephant RW&B buzzers were good touches. I can just see all the candidates sitting in their leather recliners fighting to get a shot at the microphone.

    I think the cheering sections should have red, white and blue noise makers … the ones everyone uses at the soccer matches … horrible loud and obnoxious sound wafting over the dais! Thanx for reading my stuff

  9. Funny and poignant at the same time! Not to quibble about facts, but the *average* NFL game is three hours. The SUPER BOWL they’ve managed to drag out to four… 😀

  10. Thanks for reading my stuff, Steve …

    Quibble away ’til you drop … as long as you read Seriously Absurd … Your “quibble” is actually a fact which makes it a “meaningful comment.”

  11. If we had all the candidates on the debates people would turn it off after the first 10 minutes out of boredom. How many times can you hear the same comments with different faces?

    I think they all have the same writers on their payrolls. Hey, maybe you could apply for the job and spice things up a bit.

  12. Sharon … Thanx for tuning in.

    No, I will not signup even if I could “spice up the acts.” I think they (the candidates) do an excellent job of revealing their craziness on a day-to-day basis when they’re not scripted.

    You can’t make up this shit!

    The debates, no matter how much theater is introduced, will probably be boring because of the scripts and the questions asked (scripted also).

    One can only wish that Jon Stewart could be an emcee for just one of the debates.

    Keep reading and commenting … Thanx

    • How about Howard Stern as the emcee? Things will really fly then. No telling what will come out of their mouths.

  13. Howard would be most excellent … That could get the GOP a definite “De-Bait per View” contract … i can see it now … millions watching R-Rated Fox TV … would be the only time I watch Fox.

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