Who put the “duh” in Floriduh?

“Man Fatally Stabbed in Feud over Corndog” … “Florida Strip Club Offering Free Flu Shots” … “Thieves Kill Family’s Pet Turkey for Thanksgiving” … “Man Dies Getting Stuck in Girlfriend’s Cat Door.”

Real headlines in real Floriduh.  Reasons for our behavior have been researched, studied, and pondered to no avail when all you had to do was ask me.

Here’s the “why” behind Floriduh-ian’s behavior.

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There are only 133 Waffle Houses in our state.  We rank #1 in population in the south and are #4 in Waffle Houses.

Although open 24-7, all holidays included, many of our citizens are deprived of WaHo’s fine cuisine.  WHDS (WaHo Deprivation Syndrome) produces sudden outbursts of irrationality which leads to “duh-behavior.”

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Floriduh’s a melting pot population of over 19.9 million including practicing fundamentalist-evangelical-snake-handling Christians, goat-killing and chicken-neck-snapping Obeahs, Satanists, and star dwellers.

That’s a solid base for mayhem and maniacal deity worship which leads to “duh-ness.”

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Shells, sand, swamp and water comprise Floriduh’s topography, which averages approximately 100 feet above sea level.

That’s very damn close to the waves.

We live in constant fear of floating out to sea in the middle of the night in our Super-Queen-Dreammaker-Memory-Foam-Pump up-Tilt-o-matic-Vibrator-Beds.

We suffer from restless nights and lose a lot of sleep which leads to extraordinary amounts of “duh.”

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Every day approximately 1,000 people come to Floriduh and stay.  You don’t leave one place and go to another unless you’re unsettled … or worse, unhappy.

Because these unhappy people are searching for happiness they already possess a proclivity for “duh.”  Once settled in Floriduh, they have ample time to maximize their already pre-induced “duh-state.”

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The Lynyrd Skynner Band, the rock-aholic band who can’t spell, got its start in Floriduh … Jacksonville Beach.  Their signature song?  “Sweet Home Alabama.”

Unless and until the Skynners come up with a “Sweet Home Floriduh,” we will always be everyone’s butt joke!  If you’re always the butt of someone’s joke, your only salvation is to plunge whole hog into the “duh” of Floriduh.

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I could blame our education system, but that would assume there is a functional system.  I could blame our state government, but Floriduh-ians have already elected a felon as our leader.  How much more “duh” can you get?

10 thoughts on “Who put the “duh” in Floriduh?

  1. Silly Dickie! Just because more Flori-duh anglers hook themselves and their family members with barbed lures than they do any actual fish…..I thik you’re being a tad harsh…I mean, what has any WAFFLE EVER DONE TO YOU? Hehehehheeeee!

    • Well … You just had to pull something from one of your recent columns in the VB News … good work!

      I haven’t waffled on too many decisions in my life, and I was tortured as a youngster having to eat waffles covered with creamed chip beef as a main evening meal, and I do admit to gleefully devouring occasional Belgian waffles eating so i guess “waffle” as a verb and a noun have been in my life … for better or for worse.

      Thanx for reading my stuff …

  2. Speaking of spelling problems by Floridians, the band you reference is Lynyrd Skynyrd, not Skynner. It’s spelled that way both in Florida and Alabama.

    • Crap … and Mari asked me to double check it … i of course told her it was correct. I’ll bet it’s spelled correctly for Mississippi and Georgia.

      Thanks for reading, Bill Always the Editor … and a good one.

  3. Personally I think Waffle Houses are okay–they’re employee owned and they train their employees well. Not too much good to say about our felonious Guv or the good folks who elected him twice. But without Flori-duh…who would be the butt of America’s jokes? New Jersey? Nah….

    • Susie … Funny that you should bring up NJ who has a governor that could give ours a “run for the money.”

      WAHOs do have some redeeming features but the fact remains, that we don’t have enuf of them to feed our citizenry, hence we stumble around being “duh brains.” There should be a WAHO in every population center over 10,000. Yum yum!

  4. Att-duh-boy, Richard. You duh man! I used to hit Waffle Houses at 2am when the bars closed but then I discovered IHOP and they have menus in braille. I was usually blind drunk, couldn’t drive straight but at least I could “see” what I was ordering. Duh!

    Yours truly, I should note, was born & raised in Floriduh!

  5. Thanks for reading Oops …

    IHOP or WAHO … it’s a toss up. But I’ll take a crispy waffle any day or night over a fat-assed pancake. You have no taste!

    Went to a Mexican place today for lunch and stupidly ordered Juevos Rancheros because I haven’t had ’em in about 50 years. All day long I realized why I hadn’t eaten them for the past 50 years. I’m sure they tasted better 50 years ago! Maybe not.

    I was 6 weeks old when we moved to south FL from Savannah, GA. Given my propensity to stretch the truth, I tell everyone “I’m Native!” Just sayin’

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