The Demon Junk Drawer

Every adult has one.  It’s usually in the kitchen and has a life of its own.  Stuff multiplies in it.  It’s suspected that secret unprotected interspecies sex occurs.

Many of us have a strange habit that’s impossible to curb.  It develops in spite of a simple mantra: “There’s a place for everything and everything has its place.”

That ding, ding, ding, you hear is the “exception bell” ringing in your head.  Suddenly you realize you need a special place for the “everythings” that don’t have a place of their own.

So at night when you hear what you think is the icemaker, it’s really your Junk Drawer … filled with things that go “bump in the night.”  Yikes!  What to do?

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To manage those deviant items that defy our primary mantra, I offer you another axiom: “Out of sight out of mind.”  Leftover item … hmm.  Open “bump-in-the-night” drawer, pitch isolate-item into drawer, slam that sucker shut.

Repeat with a high degree of frequency.  Why?

Because many of us also have another effing rule: “Waste not, want not.”  Loosely translated this means – don’t ever throw anything away because it just might be needed somewhere, somehow, sometime within the next millennium.

Eureka!  We already have a place for this special-future-item.  In goes the now-valuable-thing to nestle with the deviant items already in the drawer, and bang the sucker shut.

Then one day you open your Junk Drawer and because you have been super diligent about “out of sight” and “waste not,” you discover it’s as stuffed as a premier bleu cheese olive in a Martini indicating that it’s time … to have a drink and inventory your Junk Drawer.

Most notable among the items …

Book of matches “Murray’s Mau-Mau Lounge” – I don’t remember being there

One tube unopened sunscreen stamped “Use by 4/14/11”

Meat thermometer that reads 113 F … constantly

Kitchen timer … no longer goes “ding”

One scissor – whereabouts of other scissor unknown

Used toothbrush – bristles splayed as if on medieval rack

Tooth whitening strips – unused but suspiciously yellowed

Once cleaned, I toss a condom in my Junk Drawer hoping to curb the growth of junk as a result of “bumping in the night.”

Just sayin’.

15 thoughts on “The Demon Junk Drawer

  1. I put them in zip lock bags in the junk drawer..sorted…and zipped shut..so they don’t get any air…and I can throw them out a bag full at a time. This event occurs when I can no longer shut the drawer! Love that day.

    • Wow, Cuky … you sure are an organization “demon.” I love the idea of an organized junk drawer. But then, is it really a “Junk Drawer,” if it’s organized? Thanx for reading my stuff.

  2. LOL! You’ve clearly been rummaging through my kitchen drawers late at night…..which, I suppose, is preferable to having you rummaging through my OTHER drawers….but somehow I still feel a little uncomfortable about the whole thing! LOL!

  3. Hey … your “junk” is your own junk … i’ll not be rummaging through your drawers, Big Boy!

    Thanks fir reading my stuff … Keep on writing for Vero Beach News or Gazette or Daily … whatever it is … just back from our fave Mexican restaurant with an overdose of Margaritas … ain’t life grand?

  4. LOL! I’m renting a friend’s house in Oregon for rhe summer, and I swear there is not a junk drawer. There is a drawer with assorted objects, but in little labeled boxes. I am inspired to redo my TWO junk drawers when I get home.

    • Drawers with stuff in them all labeled do not qualify as “Junk Drawers.” Where’s the fun or mystery when you open a drawer and it’s all organized and labeled? Just sayin.

  5. I solved that problem years ago by not putting everything in my “everything” drawer. Only gay stuff gets tossed in. That way they may make a mess but they don’t multiply. I encourage unprotected sex.

    • OMG, Oops!! Carli Fiori will have a heart attack if she read this. Please send it to that mincing, pinch-faced, thin-lipped, irrational female NOW!! love, marthaxx

      • PMartha … Thanx for readin’ … CF may be the only female GOPer for the prexy slot, but she for sure ain’t gonna get the “sexy” slot .., wow, that sure was an unintended Freudian slip up … I loved your use of “mincing” … heluva word!

        Now, stay out of Oops’ drawers!

    • Oops … I’m almost speechless. Hah, fooled ya! You are without a doubt one-of-a-kind … the key question is “What kind?” I promote unprotected sex also … men just shouldn’t wear their guns to bed. But I encourage men to use a condom for their single shooter. Remind me to never ever open your junk drawer. Thanx for readin’

  6. Richard, you have been peeking inside my head and finding out too much. My albatross is a 200 pound fly wheel from a Jaguar. It became part of my household one husband ago and was moved three times in Miami, up to Tavares, and abandoned it before we moved to Mt. Dora. Somewhere it still remains, hidden from the world. awaiting to be called to usefulness. It would have been the perfect weight for a kick wheel. No doubt it is waiting still – a kick wheel in disguise.

    Now my junk drawer is not as interesting. Just ordinary junk there. When I enter its space, there are no surprises. Just good but unusable junk.

    • Ella … Thanx for reading my stuff … When my parents sold their property in So Fla, the buyers inherited several auto parts … transmissions, rear end axles, etc. all neatly tucked under a long pepper bush hedge row and a row of the dreaded Melalueca trees. I still occasionally wonder if they ever discovered our buried treasures! But a 200 lb Jag fly wheel … that’s a beauty!

      By definition, junk is not useable … Do you wonder why we keep it for so long? Why would I need close to 100 rubber bands, none of which I paid for … just take ’em off one thing and throw it in the drawer … where they rot.

  7. You are an amazing writer.You have a habit of triggering and stimulating the brain..When you talk about thoughts at night involving the kitchen drawer.It kinda reminds me when Barack Obama told Trump at the correspondence dinner.I too would be up at night getting no sleep trying to figure out who to fire.Meatloaf or Little John.As the President at that very time was planning to take out Osama bin Laden.Richard I feel your pain over your drawers.

    • Thanx, Holt … Better to feel my pain “over” my drawers than feel my pain “in” my drawers … just sayin’. I lkie you, Holt, but I don’t want you in my drawers … ever!

      Thanks for readin’ and supporting me … now, go for a walk … I want you to stick around for many more years!

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