The Hurricane is Coming! Err, the Tropical Storm! Err, the Tropical Wave! Err, the Tropical Remnant – Maybe!

God, I love Flori-Duh.  Most of all, I love my favorite time of year – Hurricane Season.

It’s show time for our state’s weather professionals. But folks, please take a step away from your weather maps.

We’ve got Erika, whose status could be anything from a hurricane to a remnant – which I thought was related to sewing and cloth – dallying in the Caribbean and apparently set to chug up our west coast.

When the “Spaghetti Models,” I assume named for Erika’s noodle-like paths, showed one path as a threat to us, the TV gurus raced to interview the managers of Lowes, Home Depot and Ace Hardware.

From what I could tell, “preparedness” meant we had to buy one of just about everything in the store.

A couple of days ago at Costco, I got the inside dirt on this Tropical Wonder Woman when I overheard the woman ahead of me say to the cashier, “Take it from me.  Don’t worry.  My husband’s a professional meteorologist and he says the storm’s a bust!  Don’t buy anything!”

Wow … What’s a guy to do?  In the meantime, we’re supposedly in the “Cone of Uncertainty.”

Oh no!  Not the Cone of Uncertainty!  WTF – Cone of Uncertainty? What happened to the spaghetti noodles?

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Based on Saturday’s forecasts, Erika succumbed to an untimely hurricane death.  She has failed the primary hurricane test – no definable eye.  She’s flying blind?

By Monday, storm trackers tell us we should know for sure whether we’re in the path of Erika and whether she’s a hurricane, storm or just a remnant with a sh*t load of rain.

Since I don’t think you should ever look a hurricane in the “gift-mouth,”  Erika’s three day TV-weather-hysteria-binge pushed me to hone my own personal hurricane preparedness list.

So, for the sake of our collective sanity, here’s my adult non-LowesHomeDepotAceHardware approved hurricane prep list:

First – get ice, limes and vodka.

Next – make sure all your insurances are paid.

Then – deliver a box of chocolates to the one family in your hood with a full house generator.  Be sure you spell their name right.

Next – get more ice, limes and vodka.  Why?  Because you prepared early and drank your first supply!

Then – load up cash so you can go out to eat … and be sure to brush your teeth, shave, and complete other toilet necessities in someone else’s facility.

Bring all your plastic flamingoes inside … they hate hurricanes.

Oh, did I mention…get ice, limes and vodka.

Just sayin’.

11 thoughts on “The Hurricane is Coming! Err, the Tropical Storm! Err, the Tropical Wave! Err, the Tropical Remnant – Maybe!

  1. I think you forgot to tell folks to get ice, limes and vodka. That’s important!

    Personally, I’d add orange juice to the list. Skip the low calorie versions as you want to be sure you weigh enough to avoid being blown away by the storm.

    If there is a storm.

    • Hey Tom … Thanx for reading … The only juice for vodka is a low calorie juice … but then, I happen to think the only real juice for vodka is a real lime.

      As for weight, not to insult a loyal supporte of mine, but I think both of us already are “wind resistant” in terms of weight. Just sayin’.

      • Good list, Richard, and Tom, if you’re gettin’ O.J., I want tequila and a dash of grenadine. As for the ice, just keep the vodka in it, before pouring, Ahhh, makes me remember the three day long hurricane parties my beloved pappa gave at the slightest sign of a yellow sky. The veranda ran the entire length of the L-shaped house onto the “courtyard” which was bedeviled with foot-tubs full of boiled crabs, shrimps and watermelons. Only the French bread was kept inside and “freshened up” in brown bags sprinkled with hurricane water and tucked into the gas stove. Khaki shorts mandatory.

  2. And if you’re a teacher, hope they cancel classes for the entire week. If they don’t, get an extra bottle of vodka to hide in the desk for recess. 🙂

    • Thanx, oops for continuing to read this drivel … I feel sorry for teachers in FL … they never have any snow days and the hurricane season only covers Sept-early Nov. Not like winter and snow potential up north.

      I know you … I bet you never needed an excuse for for what you hid in your desk drawer.

      Just sayin’.

  3. I prefer to lash my self to the nearest lowest Indian River bridge. Thanks to Carl Hiasen (sp?) Huss I am in Vero just trying to get the place ready for the next storm. Why did we buy down here Again!!

  4. Castanza! Good to hear you’re still around. I think your idea of bridge lashing is a good one. Maybe get Jerry, Elaine and Kramer to make it an episode. Hiaasen would be proud of you … his Skink, ex-governor of FL, lashed himself to bridge abutments during hurricanes. But, you need one a tad bigger & stronger than Erika … a Cat-5 would give you a ride.

    As for why you moved down here … it’s obvious … ice, limes and vodka!

    Thanx for readin’.

  5. Along with the Vodka and limes, don’t forget gas for the BBQ. I never could understand why they had us fill the bathtub with water. Never stayed in the tub anyway and Vodka is more fun!
    When all your meat starts thawing, just start cooking. Invite the neighbors to bring their’s too,. then have a party!
    That’s how we did it, after the big blow Hurricane Andrew in Homestead!

    • Lynn … Thanks for reading. My apologies for my untimely reply!

      Great idea … I’ll add gassing up the grill to my list along with more limes, ice and vodka.

      Man cannot live on ice or limes alone … but on Vodka alone? It may kill him, but it’ll be a woop-di-doo ride!

  6. Richard. I really have no time to respond here with any witty or clever remarks. Our latest NY weather ” Jerk Alert” is advising a chance of heavy snow and blizzard conditions!! Gotta get moving… need to hit the stores for my water, batteries and.. did I already mention…. Jack Daniels>

    Michael

    • Michael … Thanx for reading and please accept an apology for my untimely reply. I had a lot of Vodka to dispose of this week thanx to that fickle Erika.

      JD? It’s pre-Labor Day and just like shoes, it’s white for the summer and brown for the winter. Ergo, Vodka ’til Labor Day and the browns (Scotch/bourbon) for the cold winter months. But, at least it’s alcohol!

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