God, I love Flori-Duh. Most of all, I love my favorite time of year – Hurricane Season.
It’s show time for our state’s weather professionals. But folks, please take a step away from your weather maps.
We’ve got Erika, whose status could be anything from a hurricane to a remnant – which I thought was related to sewing and cloth – dallying in the Caribbean and apparently set to chug up our west coast.
When the “Spaghetti Models,” I assume named for Erika’s noodle-like paths, showed one path as a threat to us, the TV gurus raced to interview the managers of Lowes, Home Depot and Ace Hardware.
From what I could tell, “preparedness” meant we had to buy one of just about everything in the store.
A couple of days ago at Costco, I got the inside dirt on this Tropical Wonder Woman when I overheard the woman ahead of me say to the cashier, “Take it from me. Don’t worry. My husband’s a professional meteorologist and he says the storm’s a bust! Don’t buy anything!”
Wow … What’s a guy to do? In the meantime, we’re supposedly in the “Cone of Uncertainty.”
Oh no! Not the Cone of Uncertainty! WTF – Cone of Uncertainty? What happened to the spaghetti noodles?
Based on Saturday’s forecasts, Erika succumbed to an untimely hurricane death. She has failed the primary hurricane test – no definable eye. She’s flying blind?
By Monday, storm trackers tell us we should know for sure whether we’re in the path of Erika and whether she’s a hurricane, storm or just a remnant with a sh*t load of rain.
Since I don’t think you should ever look a hurricane in the “gift-mouth,” Erika’s three day TV-weather-hysteria-binge pushed me to hone my own personal hurricane preparedness list.
So, for the sake of our collective sanity, here’s my adult non-LowesHomeDepotAceHardware approved hurricane prep list:
First – get ice, limes and vodka.
Next – make sure all your insurances are paid.
Then – deliver a box of chocolates to the one family in your hood with a full house generator. Be sure you spell their name right.
Next – get more ice, limes and vodka. Why? Because you prepared early and drank your first supply!
Then – load up cash so you can go out to eat … and be sure to brush your teeth, shave, and complete other toilet necessities in someone else’s facility.
Bring all your plastic flamingoes inside … they hate hurricanes.
Oh, did I mention…get ice, limes and vodka.