“Bacon will kill you,” my friend said. “No way,” I answered. “Way,” he insisted.
And that’s how I learned that I could be on death’s door because the WHO, who I thought lived in Whoville in Dr. Seuss books, has declared that bacon is a confirmed carcinogen.
This WHO turns out to be the World Health Organization … a global organization that sets health standards so those of us who insist on continuing along a suicidal health path, can plot exactly where we are on the road to self-destruction.
In the meantime, my wife, a disciplined bacon eater … you know the type – one piece maybe three times a year – just sits and smiles as I squirm and rant about the Cured Meat Police.
Aargh … Am I cut-off before I ever get to our local Waffle House for a bacon topped waffle slathered in maple syrup? What a bummer.
But, the pigs, swine, and Porkys are not going down without an oink aimed at the WHO Police.
One day after the WHO’s declaration, the Porkys lobbed PR mortars at the research labs of the WHO. They’ve been challenged to show a causal link between the 15 slices of bacon I dream about eating each week, and the threat of colon cancer.
Maybe the Porkys need to attend the Tobacco Military Tactics Academy located somewhere in tobacco country … North Carolina or Virginia. They’ve been in this fight for a generation or two … one of the longest health wars on record.
How long will it be before the tobacco-like warning label appears on bacon packages?
So who, other than the pigs and religious groups who don’t eat pork, are the happy ones in this announcement?
That answer is, “Almost no one.”
The WHO is under attack for putting all ham, hotdogs, cold cuts, cured sausages, jerky and bacon on the endangered list. Oscar Meyer immediately started looking for a buyout. The Chinese, who recently bought that American icon Smithfield Hams, are now crying “Fowl.”
Will the Hormel Black Label Bacon Fest, held annually in San Diego, become as extinct as Entelodont Terminator Pig ribs at Hooters?
Bacon has replaced Apple Pie as the All-American dish and Bacon Eaters from coast-to-coast are not going to take this “loin-ing” down.
It won’t be a picnic for WHO. The Bacon Eaters have put their porky shoulders, hammy butts, and pickled feet to the task of pushing back this assault on their freedom to do themselves in.