My Resolution Free Zone

For years I stood in front of the guillotine of New Year’s Resolutions before I finally learned that the primary purpose of resolutions is to make you feel guiltier than sneak-gulping Krispy Kremes in your closet at midnight.

Show me a resolution and I’ll show you a long-faced person feeling the full weight of disgust, disappointment and self-loathing, who two or three weeks earlier uttered, “I resolve to ….”

That’s why I’ve decided to surround myself, wherever I am, in a Resolution Free Zone.  A no anxiety bubble.  A zone where the air is pure, the breezes soft, the emotions mellow … and I’m not stoned.

I’ll be hogtied and dragged across the prairie before I make another New Year’s Resolution.

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I hereby resolve that I will not resolve to:  lose any weight, drink less, start smoking, stop driving over 25 mph in a 25 mph zone, start shaving every day, stop belching and/or farting, read that book I couldn’t finish which everyone else has read, stop craving a bacon cheese burger slathered in mayo with a cold beer and French fries, hot-hot from the deep fryer.

I won’t break the habit of deriding myself with diabolical and vulgar names when I do the next and next and next stupid thing(s) in my life.

I won’t resolve that I’ll remember your birthday unless it’s in my E-Card file with automatic reminders, and I happen to look at that email before your birthday.  Face Book has saved me from a lot of near misses in 2015, but there’s a distinct chance of a miss in 2016.

I further do not resolve to keep a running tally of any of my non-resolutions that I have either broken or maintained beyond next week.

Actually, I wonder if I keep a non-resolution does it create a “backdoor resolution,” and therefore, by resolving to not keep any resolutions I’m making resolutions?

No wonder I feel guilty.  It’s reported that 88 per cent of Americans still make resolutions in spite of the fact that they only have a 20 per cent success rate at keeping their resolutions.

Twenty per cent?  No effing way.  You gotta be kidding me.

Sounds like a lot of face-saving delusional self-reporting to me.

Just sayin’.

 

For a short but decidedly not sweet fictional take on the dangers of New Year’s Resolutions, check out my story, “I Resolve” by clicking on Flash Fiction in the menu.

13 thoughts on “My Resolution Free Zone

  1. A wise and – dare I say it – RESOLUTE decision. Kudos to you…..and I don’t mean a herd of the the large, spiral-horned antelope found on the plains of East Africa.

    • Thanks Tom … And for sure Kudos are making a comeback since that asshole dentist killed our lovely Cecil and the bottom dropped out of the “safari biz.”

      I resolve to appreciate your support …

  2. Dear Richard,
    Reading you well written piece of New Years resolution only made me hungrier than I already was.Thanks for the extra pounds !

    • hey Holt … Those damn sneaky Krispy Kremes will sneak up on you in the dead of night, jump on your tongue and giggle all the way down to your tummy … added pounds free of charge!

      Thanks for reading my stuff … Happy New Year.

  3. I make the same one every year: Give up something for Lent. 40 days is a lot easier than 365!
    An easy one, if you really must have a 365 resolution is to give up fish on Sundays. Did you ever eat any fish that was bought on a Sunday, not fresh caught? If you did, you’ll understand how easy it is to keep this one, even in Florida, even at Publix!!

    • PMartha… you’re one smart cookie … Lent shall be my focus for a resolution to not make a resolution for only 40 days … Whew! That’s a lot easier …

      As for Sunday fish … unless we caught it ourselves out of Biscayne Bay on Sunday afternoon, we did not eat it … Sunday fish market fish is at least 3 days old!

      Thanks for reading my stuff …

  4. I resolve if I win the lottery this Wednesday I will donate a dollar to every republican running for president. I will also donate 2 dollars to all the republican candidates who drop out by the first republican presidents birthday. The rest I will give to my favorite Publix bagger.

    • Hey Ken … Sure do miss your little wise ass at Publix … The place ain’t nearly as much fun without you.

      Since we both missed the Lottery, I don’t have to answer your clever comment …

      Don’t forget to vote Democratic and often!

    • Jeanne … thanx for reading my stuff … I’m an expert at the “sneak-gulp.” I however had trouble keeping it off the pants and suit jackets in my closet (back when i owned and wore suits …ugh!).

      I appreciate your support …

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