For years I stood in front of the guillotine of New Year’s Resolutions before I finally learned that the primary purpose of resolutions is to make you feel guiltier than sneak-gulping Krispy Kremes in your closet at midnight.
Show me a resolution and I’ll show you a long-faced person feeling the full weight of disgust, disappointment and self-loathing, who two or three weeks earlier uttered, “I resolve to ….”
That’s why I’ve decided to surround myself, wherever I am, in a Resolution Free Zone. A no anxiety bubble. A zone where the air is pure, the breezes soft, the emotions mellow … and I’m not stoned.
I’ll be hogtied and dragged across the prairie before I make another New Year’s Resolution.
I hereby resolve that I will not resolve to: lose any weight, drink less, start smoking, stop driving over 25 mph in a 25 mph zone, start shaving every day, stop belching and/or farting, read that book I couldn’t finish which everyone else has read, stop craving a bacon cheese burger slathered in mayo with a cold beer and French fries, hot-hot from the deep fryer.
I won’t break the habit of deriding myself with diabolical and vulgar names when I do the next and next and next stupid thing(s) in my life.
I won’t resolve that I’ll remember your birthday unless it’s in my E-Card file with automatic reminders, and I happen to look at that email before your birthday. Face Book has saved me from a lot of near misses in 2015, but there’s a distinct chance of a miss in 2016.
I further do not resolve to keep a running tally of any of my non-resolutions that I have either broken or maintained beyond next week.
Actually, I wonder if I keep a non-resolution does it create a “backdoor resolution,” and therefore, by resolving to not keep any resolutions I’m making resolutions?
No wonder I feel guilty. It’s reported that 88 per cent of Americans still make resolutions in spite of the fact that they only have a 20 per cent success rate at keeping their resolutions.
Twenty per cent? No effing way. You gotta be kidding me.
Sounds like a lot of face-saving delusional self-reporting to me.
For a short but decidedly not sweet fictional take on the dangers of New Year’s Resolutions, check out my story, “I Resolve” by clicking on Flash Fiction in the menu.