It’s Stupor Bowl Sunday and I’m damn stoked.
Twenty weeks of bone crushing, body abusing, concussive collisions brings us to one of the least watched and most partied events of the year.
There will be more nachos eaten, beer drunk, liquor consumed, chicken wings dipped and DUI’s issued than on any other day or night this year.
Congress may as well declare Stupor Bowl Monday a paid national holiday because the vast majority of people will be home nursing “party-ache-overs.”
This year’s Stupor Bowl will be more “Stupor-tant” than ever! Who cares about Peyton, “Super” Cam Newton, the commercials or the parties?
There’s only one reason to tune into Stupor Bowl 50. And that’s….
….To witness the unveiling of the new not deceased Colonel Harland Sanders lV.
You’re probably not surprised that I sent some unsolicited nominees to Yum! Brands for consideration.
Lobbying for a more cosmopolitan Colonel rather than the stodgy outdated white-suited farty old man we’ve tolerated for 50+ years, my first nominee was that prideful southern gentleman, Colonel Rhett Butler.
He gazes straight into the cameras and says, “Frankly, my dear chicken eaters … Aah, don’t give a damn!”
For youth appeal, I offered up a “Beiber Colonel.” He pops out of his white-on-white Ferrari decked out in all white … skin-tight satin tee, leather pants with protuberance, paten leather boots … he pauses, licks his fingers and whispers, “Still, finger lickin’ good!”
In a salute to American diversity, I suggested that the “Yummys!” go for a “Colonel-of-Color.” In line for the new role would be Rocker-Rapper Ice-T or Oscar snubbed Will Smith. Smith would be most regal in the Colonel’s whiteness.
And not to be sexist, I submitted a name for a female Colonel. I can see Colonel-esque costumed Lady Gaga – KFC bucket clutched against body, leaping from car hood to car hood in spiked-heel boots clambering into her metallic white Humvee as she spins out of the parking lot into the dark of night singing, “I’m gonna have drumstick tonight, a drumstick tonight I know.” giving the Eagles a “Heartache Tonight” as she butchers their chicken-free classic.
Haven’t heard a peep from the Yummys. They’re probably considering my ideas for the Final Four in March.
Just sayin’ …