Aaargh … I just realized it’s February.
I swear every month is infested with a holiday, celebration, “important date,” or at least a trademarked Hallmark Moment.
What’s a guy to do?
This time I’m zeroed in on that half-naked, diapered, winged, flying cherub with his little bow and arrow which, if rumors are true, when you’re punctured by said arrow you tumble down the rabbit hole of eternal love.
He’s Eros if you’re Greek … Cupid if you’re Roman. Either way, that chubby little “mother” is the mother lode for all things Hallmark … a corporate goldmine for The Dreaded Valentine’s Day.
Pricked by the “arrow of love,” you suffer through that one night when you pretend to enjoy some of the worst food and most crowded restaurants of the entire year.
You buy outrageously priced truffles that taste as bad as the original box of chocolates offered up in “Forest Gump.”
And you probably spring for a dozen roses that will resemble a death bouquet in a Nanosecond and which, in any other month, would’ve cost you half as much.
From whence cometh this day of horror?
Most of our celebrations worth a damn started with the Pagans. You just gotta love those body painting, crazy, fornicating drunks. They knew a good time!
And ladies, if you think your guy was not very creative this V-Day, just be glad you’re not celebrating Lupercalia, a Pagan fertility festival that took place between February 13-15 … which would be the 14th.
Lupercalia involved killing a goat, stripping its skin and whipping the women with it to increase their fertility.
If that wasn’t enough, the Pagan men played a version of “throw the chariot keys in the middle of the room,” by putting the names of the town’s women in a huge urn and drawing names for their “V-Day mate” for the year.
Thank god the Christians took over from those over-sexed Pagans when a Fifth Century Papal Declaration established February 14th as St. Valentine’s Day.
Geoff Chaucer and the Wet ‘n’ Wild Willie Shakespeare allegedly inserted “romance” into this infamous day.
Corporate America cashed in on the love fest in 1913 with Hallmark’s first Valentine’s Day card … and it’s been off to the bank ever since.
Now we’re stuck … unless you want to live in Saudi Arabia where the holiday has been outlawed as yet another Infidel attack on the Saudis’ virtue.