Kale-mageddon

After years of thinking that beer and Fritos were the cornerstone of my low salt diet, I’ve seen the light.  No, literally.  I almost met the Grim Reaper up close and personal.

Now, I’ve deep-sixed the beer except for the occasional “Suds-up Attack.”

I eat French fries only in the presence of my wife who under my meanest baleful stare, scoops up half my fries and moves them to the nether reaches of the table.

I truly don’t give a s**t about the next bizarre creation by those aged hippies, Ben & Jerry.

And I’ve come very close to lusting after Brussels sprouts, asparagus and Bok Choy.

But, I have to tell you I haven’t shed a single tear over the epic takedown of the Godzilla of all super foods … kale.

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“What?” you say.  “They’re f**king with my kale?”  That’s a big 10-4, little buddy.

While you’re reading this, go fix yourself another good-for-you-super-delicious Vita Mixer full of kale.  Have another Kale Smoothie, sucker!

Thallium … Ever hear of thallium?  It’s a toxic heavy metal found, you betcha, in kale leaves.

Frequent Smoothie Flyers are landing in the doctor’s office with persistent but elusive health complaints.  Everything from chronic fatigue to fuzzy thinking.

And it’s been traced back to your kale leaves packed with thallium and then packed in your Vita Mixer.

Super food just became superman’s kryptonite!

Or, better yet … pull up to the window at a Mickey D in SoCal or Canada.  Yeah, I know – it’s a hike if you live in Florida – and order their new chopped kale salad, the “Keep Calm, Caesar On.”

But Kale-mageddon doesn’t stop there.  Add the Asiago dressing to the crispy chicken version of your “Kale, Caesar,” and you’ve got more calories in your crappy little bowl than you do in Canada’s pride – the Double Big Mac – a four patty burger monstrosity on a bun.

Hmmm … salad with possibly one chopped kale leaf – 730 calories, 1,400 milligrams of salt, and 53 grams of fat.  Or, the Double Big Mac weighing in at a paltry 680 calories and 38 grams of fat.

I’ll, “Back away from the kale.”

Then I’ll head out for my old favorites …  Krispy Kreme at a measly 168 calories per doughnut followed by a romp through Publix to grab a brick of that super delish Velveeta and a six pack of Heineken.

Just sayin’.

 

18 thoughts on “Kale-mageddon

  1. Aaah, Tom … Thanks for your support and for reading’ my stuff … But, as much as I “love Lucy,” I’m definitely not interested in combining all the food groups if it includes the “dreaded kale.”

    Though I’m sure kale belongs in someone’s food group, it’s not mine whether via Vita Mix, blender or any other emulsifier.

    There’s no love/hate relationship here … just hate. Thanks for reading.

  2. My son is a big time vegan kaleaholic, so I sent him your post. Here is his reply “Oh no! I just got 4 bucks worth of local kale. This guy is funny.”
    I grow organic kale but we only eat it as kale chips, which are yummy. Maybe you will add it to your recipes! Toss pieces of kale leaves with olive oil and salt and bake at about 300 degrees until crisp. They really are yummy!

    • GL … thanks for reading and sharing my blog with another reading person!

      Kale Chips and a well chilled vodka sound like a great evening cocktail combo … probably better for me than Velveeta slabs and Heineken!

  3. Is that any relation to “Kale Yarborough ” .I understand he added a kale swizzler to the gas in his race car. That made his S-Car-Go.

    • Costanza … Great to hear from you … Give Jerry a thump for me when you see him next.

      That was a tuff tuff way to make a French pun … S-Car-Go … Where’s the garlic butter?

      I’m perfecting Kale & Vodka Smoothies … Plan to sell them at health food mall stalls but only in malls with 75% or more vacancy. Want to keep crowd control problems down!

      Thanks for reading … I think.

  4. You are the only one I know who can see the light and come away making me laugh. Henri got a “no, now” on kale too. Maybe the two of you should sit down and have a smoothie some time. Just don’t invite me to that one.

    • Ella Girl … Thanks so much for reading and commenting.

      Smoothies, kale or otherwise, are greatly overrated unless they are made with a vodka base! Tell Henri not to fear … Kale juice will never replace his red wine!

      Next time you pass the kale bin at Publix, give a leaf a pinch for me. That’s the closest i want to come to it.

  5. This gives new meaning to the designation “cruciferous”. Also,I see that if you consume 154 lbs. of the stuff you will reach the upper limits for ingesting lead!

  6. Aaah, Porter … You drive me wild when you talk botany to me. Whispering cruciferous in my electronic ear drives me wild! … Leafy greens right back at ya!

    so, I checked out the volume equivalent of 154 lbs of vodka, my preference over kale.

    Here’s the math: 1 cup V= 1/2lb. Therefore, 154 lbs of vodka would be +/- 308 cups V = 77 qts of V.

    At my drinking pace, I’ll gladly trade 77 qts of vodka for 154 lbs of kale and take my chances with a dead liver as opposed to lead poisoning.

    Thanks for reading my stuff and commenting … go have a smoothie but add a cup of vodka to it!

  7. totally with you on this one. neither kale nor thick, green liquids for breakfast, are appealing to me. i like a croissant with nutella myself. and lots of coffee. i do love all vegetables except okra and kale.

    • hey, Jeanne …Thanks for the support … Hmmm, croissant … better keep walking in the AMs … I gain weight when I window shop at a bakery!

      I’m with you on veggie hate: okra & kale … fortunately no one has placed okra on the “Super Veggie Throne.”

      I think they know better … anything slippery when you cook it cannot, I repeat, “cannot” be good for you.

  8. How people can eat kale raw baffles me. The next time you smell kale, think about a dirty sponge or those towels that just didn’t get bleached and got left in the washer too long, and you can’t get the stench out of them.
    The staph bacteria has a particular odor. You learn these things as a Registered Nurse, and while i’m at it, smell your apples around the stem! Lots of mold there, mildew type mold, and it is a known, strong carcinogen.
    Otherwise, this is the funniest and most satisfying one yet, Richard. I absolutely hate foodies!!! Just EAT!!

    • Whoa, PMartha … TMI (Too Much Information) … If I walk into a Publix and see you sniffing apple stems, I’m outta there! Good grief girl!

      The odor of moldy towels, however, is a positive … flashbacks to my “old locker room days.” The towels were always damp, the socks smelly and damp and the jock straps … well you don’t want to go there!.

      Thanks for reading my stuff!

  9. Richard,

    1st thing… a little Thallium never hurt anyone….Much!! And the secret in kale consumption goes back to the days of the Crusades when the Brave Knights Templar chopped the kale into really, really small pieces, added no seasonings or salad dressing (thus no or little caloric intake), then rolled it parchment and smoked the sucker. (now you know why they were so brave!!!.)

    • Michael … I knew you Vegans weren’t all so straight laced. I’m headed to the market now for a bunch of kale … I’ll get back in touch with you after I’ve toked it up.

      Can’t believe that it’s so accessible … now I won’t have to wit for medical marijuana and a disease to treat it.

      Happy Days Are Here Again … off I go

  10. While reading I was hearing the tune, “Kale, Kale, the Gang’s All Here”… and Groucho singing “Kale Freedonia.” Maybe it’s the thallium kicking in?

    • Nancy … thanks for reading my stuff and for all your support.

      However, when I checked medical info online, they all indicated that the #1 sympton for Thallium in your body is a propensity for listening to anything called “music” if it’s sung by Groucho.

      I’m sorry but your condition may be irreversible unless you live stream Harpo immediately.

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