Dawn of the Nearly Dead – Baseball Style

The 2016 baseball season’s just started and it’s a whole new game at the concession stands.

You don’t have to bring your glove to snatch up a foul ball, but you’d better bring cardiac paddles, a clean credit card and lotsa Wet Wipes.

Stadium food’s moved from recognizable bad-for-you-hotdogs, peanuts and Cracker Jacks, to the two-handed-death-bomb-monstro-combos of calories, fat, salt, and cholesterol.

Stadium food is now very, very … “Seriously Absurd.”


Tie those paddles to your waist and head out west to an AZ Diamondbacks’ game and their 18-inch-deep-fried-corn-dog stuffed with cheddar cheese, jalapeno and bacon, buried with chipotle ketchup, spicy mustard and fries.

Swipe your card for a $25 hotdog and 3,000’ish calories.

Let’s say you long for a simple bacon-cheeseburger.  Don’t hold your breath.

But, if you’re at an ATL Braves’ game, you don’t have to choose between burger or pizza.  Not when there’s … The Burgerizza.

Bust your gut with 20 ounces of beef slathered with cheddar and bacon.  Bun? What bun?  You hold that gut-bomb between two 8” pepperoni pizzas.

Slide that card for another $26.  Hey … at that price, why not make it a doubleheader.

Keep your paddles handy ‘cause each Burgerizza packs 1580 milligrams of salt plus 890 calories!

But who’s keepin’ track?  This is Major League Baseball!

If you’re really on the hunt for a Man-sized burger, drive over to Tampa and watch the Rays.  They’ll drop a 4-pounder in your lap for a mere $30 … and it comes with a full pound of fries.

Knock down that 5-pound bad-boy-basket and you’ll get two return tickets plus a Rays’ tee shirt.  Make sure your paddle batteries are recharged for your next visit.

And, if you just gotta have those Cracker Jacks, go to Pittsburgh, catch a Pirates’ game and chow down on, you guessed it … two game day favorites.  The Jack & Mac Dog.

Wrap those Jacks (no crappy little plastic prize included) and a 12-inch pup in Naan, shovel on mac-n-cheese, drown it with salted caramel sauce and toss on deep-fried pickled jalapenos … and make sure your paddles are close by.

The only fly in this trough of gluttony and excess is you still gotta sit through almost three hours of the most boring sports event since synchronized swimming.

Just sayin’.

12 thoughts on “Dawn of the Nearly Dead – Baseball Style

    • Hey Tom … No wonder you were in disbelief of the wondrous food offered by those other MLB teams … When one checks out the food offered at your hometown, The Wash Nat’ls ballpark, it’s overwhelmingly politically correct. You’ve got a “healthy items menu,” “gluten free menu” AND a set of Vegan options.

      I bet their fans eat organic hot dogs with knives and forks, too.

      I know deep down inside you’d rather chow down on the 4-Pounder!

      Thanks for reading …

  1. Just to add a seriously absurd footnote to your seriously absurd menu, the Tampa Bay Rays – used to be the Devil Rays but Christians objected – actually play in St. Pete. They might have a concession stand in Tampa, however. 🙂

    • Hey Oops … Thanks for reading.

      Yep, I was very disappointed when the Devil Rays gave in to the Xtians and renamed the team. I wonder if they renamed the actual “ray swimming in the bay,” too. One case where political correctness caved-in without a whimper.

      My bad on the “go to Tampa.” I effing know the Rays play their games in St. Pete, but in my stupor of salt, fat cholesterol from sampling all these items, my brain farted and I “dropped the ball,” so to speak.

      But, maybe they do have a concession stand in Tampa for those who can’t drive to St. Pete.

    • Hey Michael … thanks for reading and checking in.

      Now, if those brats are served in a big-assed bowl with kraut and boiled in beer, then you’d have something.

      But, you need to bring a friend ’cause you only got two hands and you’re dealing with three items in your order.

    • Hey Jeanne … The game’s changed so much from “The Splendid Splinter’s” time that I don’t think we can even make comparisons. He was a fantastic hitter and a real hero for a lot of us wannabe major leaguers.

      Sure wish I’d kept his baseball card … oh, well … Thanks for reading my stuff.

  2. Dying laughing!! Tell me it’s not true! Pleeeze tell me it’s not true! Especially the one about the abuse of Cracker Jacks! Those little boxes were doled out only on special holidays in our family, and you always had to share and toss a coin to see which cousin gets the prize!
    How much could someone make with a chain restaurant serving meals the size of the ones we ate in the 1950s? I’d be there in a heartbeat, provided they dumped the salt down the drain, at least almost all of it.

    • Hey, PMartha …

      Thanks for reading … Several of the teams offer Vegan, Healthy and Gluten Free options. But, why would I write a blog about any of those?

      As for Cracker Jacks, when we fought over the prize, at least it was a small metal piece. Probably lead, but who cared back then.

      I bet if you ordered the Tpa Bay Rays’ 4-Pounder, they’d hold the salt if you asked them.

      Appreciate your continued support.

  3. this “food” all sounds astonishingly un-tasty, at least these particular items. i do love a nice hot greasy order of fries from 5 Guys though.
    and say, what’sa matter with synchronized swimming?

    • Hey Jeanne … Thanks for checkin’ in.

      The only good grease is “hot grease.” The reason I didn’t post a photo of the food is because it all looked like shit or some kinda phallus.

      There was on stadium that posted a neat photo of their team’s signature “Bloody Mary,” but it had a big piece of pepperoni pizza in it as a garnish … even I was revolted by that. I know … hard to believe, eh?

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