The 2016 baseball season’s just started and it’s a whole new game at the concession stands.
You don’t have to bring your glove to snatch up a foul ball, but you’d better bring cardiac paddles, a clean credit card and lotsa Wet Wipes.
Stadium food’s moved from recognizable bad-for-you-hotdogs, peanuts and Cracker Jacks, to the two-handed-death-bomb-monstro-combos of calories, fat, salt, and cholesterol.
Stadium food is now very, very … “Seriously Absurd.”
Tie those paddles to your waist and head out west to an AZ Diamondbacks’ game and their 18-inch-deep-fried-corn-dog stuffed with cheddar cheese, jalapeno and bacon, buried with chipotle ketchup, spicy mustard and fries.
Swipe your card for a $25 hotdog and 3,000’ish calories.
Let’s say you long for a simple bacon-cheeseburger. Don’t hold your breath.
But, if you’re at an ATL Braves’ game, you don’t have to choose between burger or pizza. Not when there’s … The Burgerizza.
Bust your gut with 20 ounces of beef slathered with cheddar and bacon. Bun? What bun? You hold that gut-bomb between two 8” pepperoni pizzas.
Slide that card for another $26. Hey … at that price, why not make it a doubleheader.
Keep your paddles handy ‘cause each Burgerizza packs 1580 milligrams of salt plus 890 calories!
But who’s keepin’ track? This is Major League Baseball!
If you’re really on the hunt for a Man-sized burger, drive over to Tampa and watch the Rays. They’ll drop a 4-pounder in your lap for a mere $30 … and it comes with a full pound of fries.
Knock down that 5-pound bad-boy-basket and you’ll get two return tickets plus a Rays’ tee shirt. Make sure your paddle batteries are recharged for your next visit.
And, if you just gotta have those Cracker Jacks, go to Pittsburgh, catch a Pirates’ game and chow down on, you guessed it … two game day favorites. The Jack & Mac Dog.
Wrap those Jacks (no crappy little plastic prize included) and a 12-inch pup in Naan, shovel on mac-n-cheese, drown it with salted caramel sauce and toss on deep-fried pickled jalapenos … and make sure your paddles are close by.
The only fly in this trough of gluttony and excess is you still gotta sit through almost three hours of the most boring sports event since synchronized swimming.