Wine Snobs Unite … Read and Weep

Fast forward … Star Date 24th century … the USS Voyager’s in the Delta Quadrant with Captain Janeway.

Stars glide past Voyager’s windows … In front of the Replicator, Janeway orders a glass of Pinot Noir.  Neelix watches over your shoulder as you go for the Chardonnay.

In seconds Captain Janeway’s Pinot Noir, at the perfect cellar temp of 55 degrees Farenheit and your chilled glass of chardonnay, appear.  You take your first sips … and exchange looks of satisfaction.

Science Fiction?  Yes, that’s what it was.  Now fast backward to present time.

Enter stage right … Replica Wines … Vintage 2015.

A bottle of Replica Chardonnay, “Knockoff,” takes a bow followed by a bottle of Replica Pinot Noir, “Misbehaved.”  Thunderous applause and cheers erupt from the audience.

Yes … Replica as in “Replicator.”  It’s reality.


Taking their cues from Star Trek’ish 24th century science, two US wineries are breaking their butts to grant wine drinkers their fondest wish … vintage-quality wines at bargain basement prices!

In one case, by reverse engineering and a bit of Voodoo to replicate the vintner’s final product.

In the other, by skipping the grapes altogether

What?  Wine without aging, sniffing, tongue rolling and descriptions that you will not find written anywhere but on wine labels?  Didn’t we do that once … Boone’s Farm?  Cold Duck?  How ‘bout Ripple?

Come on.  Admit it.  We all drank one or more of those fine beverages when we still had zits.

Is “Frankenwine” next?


Integrated Beverage Group, with their patented reverse engineering, can produce near-perfect “vintages” based on a virtual physical replication of the structure, taste and aroma profiles of selected wines.  And at a cost that’s a fraction of the price you pay for the alleged “better wine,” you can enjoy a bottle of Replica Wine.

From vineyard owners’ gaping mouths we hear a collective moan as they howl, “What about the grapes?  What about the grapes?”

And speaking of grapes … watch out for Ava Winery, a San Fran startup that claims to literally turn water into wine in a matter of minutes … and not with grapes.

Oh, sweet Jesus!

Can it be labeled “Wine” if grapes aren’t used?  Apparently not.

But, undaunted, Ava hacked a 1992 Dom Perignon and synthetically produced a non-grape-champagne’ish-bubbly-type-alcoholic-drink which they say will be available for $50 a bottle … this summer.

Hey … Dom goes for $150 minimum and you won’t have a barefooted Lucy “Where-have-those-feet-been” Ricardo stomping your grapes!

Is Johnny Walker Blue on the horizon?  Is nothing sacred?

Just sayin’ …

Goldfish Sushi

goldfish_sushi_by_kyrraI haven’t gone “crackers” on you.  And no, I’m not eating Goldfish Crackers with … or as my sushi.

But there are honest-to-god-no-fingers-crossed restaurants where goldfish sushi tops the menu as the new, hot, go-to item.

You mean there are coldstone Ginsu knife-flipping-sushi chefs who slip my guppy between rice and seaweed as their trendy morsel?

Yesiree … they sure as Donald Trump hyperbolates, do.

So keep that little sucker alive within the walls of your humble fish bowl as long as you can.  You may own a goldfish gold mine.


If you’ve flushed that golden treasure down the toilet into the Michigan waterways, then you probably were a source for this monumental new wave of sushi … and thanks to some adventurous chefs in urban areas, the “Golden Carp Market” has burgeoned.

Western Lake Erie has emerged as the new Mecca for “Golden Carp,” aka the goldfish, and it’s got Michigan’s Lake Erie fishermen all smiling … at 2-3 pounds per carp there’s “a lotta gold in them thar muddy waters.”


So far, the goldfish industry has been flying under the radar of the local PETA chapter.  You remember them … the folks who throw themselves over the hood of a parked car if Fido’s in it, but walk past the one with the toddler locked in the back seat.

There’s no question that PETA will try to put a stop to this nonsense.  Eating kids’ pet fish?  Save the Carp!

It doesn’t matter that the effing fish has been in Lake Erie for over 40 years, and until recently, was considered a nuisance.


Wild and crazy rumors ride the waves inside Disney Studios about two new feature length movies.

One working title, “Free Goldie,” will reunite the stars of the mega hit, “Free Willy.”  Hunched at their computers, Disney animators are busy as a school of bait fish chased by sharks designing scenes for a new feature length animation, “The Littlest Goldfish.”

Management has already warned the “Imagineers” and script writers … it’s zero tolerance for gratuitous sexual innuendo or protruding body parts.


SeaWorld’s investors smiled for the first time in years.  The theme park plans to replace their Orcas with genetically modified giant jumping goldfish.

SeaWorld trainers say the goldfish are way dumber than the Orcas and since they’re carp, think bottom dwellers – mud, scum, ooze and Flint River – they see no possible reaction from PETA because the goldfish’s living environment will be like “Movin’ on up!”

Just sayin’.

Mr. Trump Goes to Washington

trump apocolypseThis was way “yuuuger” than the second coming … or any coming for that matter.

The “Mr. Trump Goes to Washington” media countdown started two seconds after Speaker Paul Ryan’s public declaration that he was not sure whether he could be The Donald’s BFF now … or ever.

Media pundits jumped on the event like a Zika swarm in search of warm blooded prey.

A day-by-day countdown morphed into an hourly watch … complete with on-screen time trackers … that paced rabid viewers to the biggest non-meeting in political history.

And suddenly … it was show time!


The entire media world scrambled to see which Donald, “Charming Donald” or “Terminator” Donald,” would grapple with Paul “Ex-VP-Candidate & Reluctant-House-Speaker,” Ryan … the smug-undisputed-self-proclaimed-champion-of-Conservatism.

Coverage started with an army of “Trump Watchers” stationed at Trump Tower where there was an early A.M. “Donald Sighting” as he caravaned to the waiting Trump Jet, pointed toward DC.

To further snarl hopelessly snarled DC traffic, bloggers, print reporters and TV talking heads scratched and clawed for positions on barricaded sidewalks and streets as their Red Bull gorged bloodshot eyes strained for a Trump-glimpse.

And then in a full 4.5 second Trump-frenzy, that giant-of-a-man appeared amidst whirring cameras and shouts of media Blitzers.

He pivoted and shot a two thumbs-up victory sign, then darted off with a well practiced Paparazzi move into the rear entrance of the headquarters of GOP ass-kisser, Reince Prebus.

Meanwhile, inside the designated meeting room, armed with charts and graphs, Ryan rushed to explain to Trump – in 45 minutes – just how the Congress of our great country functioned pointing out that we had no “kings” … just a “President.”

Reportedly, Trump nodded and smiled … probably because there was no “pop quiz” after this 9th grade Civics lecture.

Or, maybe he didn’t believe the “no kings” bulls**t

Ryan and Prebus left the room ebullient … no broken bones … fingers and toes all accounted for … tongues still in their mouths.

Trump, likewise in apparent good spirits revealed these critical details to the press … “Paul’s a pretty nice guy and I think we can get along.”

It was noted that Trump’s assessment of JEB!, Ted, Rick, Dr. Ben, Marco, John, Chris, Carly and Rand was eerily similar after their first meetings with him … and we all know how well that turned out.

Just sayin’.

Gun Totin’ Toddlers

'And let me tell you this, my friends: When we tell the fat cats in the capital that we;e going to 'stick to our guns,' we mean it!'In 2016, Toddlers shot more Americans than have been shot, bombed, beheaded and/or drowned by Muslim Terrorists, ISIS or Boko Haram.

The score?  Toddlers 23 including 11 fatalities – Terrorists … zero, nada, zilch.

It’s yet to be determined if criminal charges will be filed against Toddlers and whether they would be tried as juvvies or as adults.

Some have argued that if the Toddler is toilet trained and no longer wears standard diapers, including Huggies, Snuggies or any other all-in-one-poop-or-pee-restraining-garments, then it may face charges as an adult.


Neo-natal Embryo Psychologists, a new branch of the Right-to-Life Segment of the American Psychological Association, have called for an emergency symposium to determine if all the debates, threats and violence associated with women striving to be equal citizens may be infecting fetuses with what they now call, Infantile FU Syndrome (IFUS).

If that’s the case, the NEP will demand that women no longer seek status as equals in American society.



Presumptive Nominee, Donald Trump wants all Toddlers confined in the hospital until they pass a new NRA Toddler Gun Safety Proficiency Exam (TGSPE).  This requires the Toddler to hit “center mass” at an 80% proficiency level from 30 feet in an on-site NRA certified hospital firing range.

This is while


gun rights activists already clamor for Toddler Friendly guns, and manufacturers launched plans for a super-lightweight-automatic pistol with a “hair-pull” trigger.  The weapon will have an 18 round magazine to cut down on reloads.



the Dems are busy creating new Toddler Gun Safety Slogans (TGSS) for a massive PR assault starting with a blanket ad buy on Sesame Street and Nickelodeon.  Every parent in America will receive a workbook demonstrating how to organize a TGSS block party.

Winning slogans will appear on the Google Search Page for the next-forever.

Not to be forgotten,


NRA Lobbyists have immediately sponsored bills in Congress calling for less stringent carrying permits in families with newborns and asked that all pre-K and kindergarten teachers be required to arm themselves for the safety of the other Toddlers in class.



in order to maintain its “Stupid-Standing” in the US, a Toddler gun shot victim was a Florida mom and gun rights activist who posted this meme, “My right to protect my child with my gun trumps your fear of my gun.”

Just sayin’.