Wine Snobs Unite … Read and Weep

Fast forward … Star Date 24th century … the USS Voyager’s in the Delta Quadrant with Captain Janeway.

Stars glide past Voyager’s windows … In front of the Replicator, Janeway orders a glass of Pinot Noir.  Neelix watches over your shoulder as you go for the Chardonnay.

In seconds Captain Janeway’s Pinot Noir, at the perfect cellar temp of 55 degrees Farenheit and your chilled glass of chardonnay, appear.  You take your first sips … and exchange looks of satisfaction.

Science Fiction?  Yes, that’s what it was.  Now fast backward to present time.

Enter stage right … Replica Wines … Vintage 2015.

A bottle of Replica Chardonnay, “Knockoff,” takes a bow followed by a bottle of Replica Pinot Noir, “Misbehaved.”  Thunderous applause and cheers erupt from the audience.

Yes … Replica as in “Replicator.”  It’s reality.

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Taking their cues from Star Trek’ish 24th century science, two US wineries are breaking their butts to grant wine drinkers their fondest wish … vintage-quality wines at bargain basement prices!

In one case, by reverse engineering and a bit of Voodoo to replicate the vintner’s final product.

In the other, by skipping the grapes altogether

What?  Wine without aging, sniffing, tongue rolling and descriptions that you will not find written anywhere but on wine labels?  Didn’t we do that once … Boone’s Farm?  Cold Duck?  How ‘bout Ripple?

Come on.  Admit it.  We all drank one or more of those fine beverages when we still had zits.

Is “Frankenwine” next?

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Integrated Beverage Group, with their patented reverse engineering, can produce near-perfect “vintages” based on a virtual physical replication of the structure, taste and aroma profiles of selected wines.  And at a cost that’s a fraction of the price you pay for the alleged “better wine,” you can enjoy a bottle of Replica Wine.

From vineyard owners’ gaping mouths we hear a collective moan as they howl, “What about the grapes?  What about the grapes?”

And speaking of grapes … watch out for Ava Winery, a San Fran startup that claims to literally turn water into wine in a matter of minutes … and not with grapes.

Oh, sweet Jesus!

Can it be labeled “Wine” if grapes aren’t used?  Apparently not.

But, undaunted, Ava hacked a 1992 Dom Perignon and synthetically produced a non-grape-champagne’ish-bubbly-type-alcoholic-drink which they say will be available for $50 a bottle … this summer.

Hey … Dom goes for $150 minimum and you won’t have a barefooted Lucy “Where-have-those-feet-been” Ricardo stomping your grapes!

Is Johnny Walker Blue on the horizon?  Is nothing sacred?

Just sayin’ …

12 thoughts on “Wine Snobs Unite … Read and Weep

  1. Gasp! A wine whine? A soliloquy of sour grapes?

    If pressed – sorry, couldn’t resist – I suppose these beverages could be marketed with a hipster name like “Wynz” and pitched as being “made with REAL ingredients” without actually disclosing what those ingredients might be….

    (Call me an old-fashion…or a muddled old fashion…or even a Rob Roy…but I’m not sure how many folks are gonna wanna clink glasses full of butylated hydroxyanisole, sodium benzoate, maltodextrin or sodium casein. But that’s just me.)

    But the bad news is that I can apparently kiss-off the only Latin phrase I remember from high school: “In vino veritas”…in wine there is truth!

    • Hi Tom … Thanks for readin’

      I always thought sodium benzoate and maltodextrin were “real things.” Shows ‘ya what I know.

      And what you really need to remember is “Imo non est vermis lagoenam vini,” which is Latin for “There is no worm in the bottom of a wine bottle.”

      Drink up, Big Guy … and thanks for your support!

    • Hi Kay… Thanks for reading …

      Yeah … Cold Duck was eatin’ “high on the hog” in my early days … sweet, bubbles and the “in drink.” I did Boone’s Farms once … never developed a liking for it.

      You can online pre-order the faux Dom Perignon from Ava Winery … For $50, I might give that a shot. if I do, i’ll post a review!

      • Yes, please do post a review. I use Don Perignon ins many of my books and thought I’d try it one day when I’m on the best seller’s list! (ha ha)

  2. Oh my G-d! I thought cold duck was great, toasted with Rippole and considered Boon Farm a step above. And then there is Henri. He saves the good stuff for friends and drinks the Gallo mix for himself. And they all give me a headache.

    So you have tapped my unsavory past once more.

    • Thanks for readin’ Ella … tell Henri that

      I’m with him. in my early years, I saved a rather good bottle of red wine and would pour my Gallo into it in the privacy of my kitchen, then bring it to the table. No one ever said a thing … maybe they were just being polite, but I doubt it … they were MY friends.

  3. Hey Jeanne … thanx for readin’ We already have “armchair travel” with everything the Travel Network shows … plus Anthony Bordain shows … kick back with a Replica wine … they’re supposed to be better than a whole lot of the “cheapos.”

  4. And our wonderful USDA has just abolished the law requiring foodstuffs to label “Country of Origin!” Clever, eh? All the poison you want for half the price!

    • Hi PMartha … Thanks for reading my stuff … Evidently my blog of “faux wine” has triggered a larger issue for you. But, you might want to read info on the issue. I’ll send you two links privately on the “FDA actions” you cited.

      Appreciate your support.

  5. You are really on a roll, Richard. You got me again. Had to go look up the Replica winery to see if it was real and if so, how the chardonnay was rated and the price. I do remember Boone’s Farm, Cold Duck and Ripple to be sure. I also remember my freshman year being taken to dinner by Dick Brown where we were served a bottle of Lancer’s. Oh, my, I was so impressed! Sparkling rose. Yum! Thanks for the memories and the laugh.

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