You Say “Vacation and I Say “Nakation”…

I got invited to dinner the other night and couldn’t make up my mind about what not to wear.

The-Bunyadi-Londons-Naked-RestaurantYep.  That’s right.  I was headed out to try one of the hottest new dining trends … I call it “Nudie-Foodies.”

Okay … so I made that up … but only the part about being the invitee.

The fact is, you can go to dinner and cocktails (Is that an unintended compound pun?) at Bunyadi in London, England (maybe that’s another unintended pun – “Bun.”), Collingwood in Melbourne, Australia, or Amrita in Tokyo, Japan.

And, you don’t have to worry a second about what to wear or spilling anything on your new clothing … because you won’t be wearing a damn thing.

Nada.

You’ll be bare-assed naked standing, mingling or sitting with an entire restaurant full of other “Nudie-Foodies.”

And given my warped brain proclivities, I immediately started thinking …

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About etiquette and table manners:  Things like, do I do the “A-Frame air kiss” or go for a big ole man-sized bear hug?

When I meet someone, male or female, how much “eye control” do I exercise?

Is “laugh and point,” grounds for immediate expulsion … without a refund?

What am I supposed to wash after I use the “facilities?”  I can see a sign in the Men’s Room:  “Please wash hands and your junk thoroughly before returning.     Thank you, The Management.”

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About germs:  Every microbial life form will have free and easy access to my body.  There’re freaking germs all over the place.  I have trouble with some places when I’m clothed from head to foot.  I wear shower clogs unless it’s my own damn tub.

Am I really gonna park my bare butt on someone else’s chair?

Oh, look … some guy just took his drink and left and there’s a spot at the bar.

Do I give the stool (Aargh another pun!) a quick Purell wipe-down?  Grab a cocktail napkin and spread it on the seat?  Or just hope the previous ass-on-the-stool was as clean as mine?

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The menu:  My guess is items that refer to any form of “breast” are excluded as entrees.

Also, no “wieners, sausage, or any tubular meat contained in a casing.”

Ditto for the Japanese traditional “flirt-with-death” … “blow fish.”

And it goes without saying, no bull balls, Rocky Mountain Oysters or testicles of any kind will make an appearance on your table tonight.

So thanks for the “mythical invite and the almost memory” … but, I think I’ll keep my buns in my pants, my sausage in my tightie-whities, and my eyes to myself.

Just sayin’ …

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And for those of you who want to “fact-check my ass,” click on these:  www.thebunyadi.com …  https://au.be.yahoo.com/food/a/31700232/australias-first-nude-restaurant-melbourne/http://www.foxnews.com/leisure/2016/06/14/no-overweight-diners-allowed-inside-japan-first-naked-restaurant/

14 thoughts on “You Say “Vacation and I Say “Nakation”…

    • Hey Mike … Thanks for reading my “expose” of exposed bodies sequestered in such a way that you can’t really see them …

      I think I’ll stick to my own habit of eating naked unseen … It’s better for all of us!

  1. This may be one of your best, Richard! Hysterical.

    (I’m also grateful you didn’t address the age old of question of which fork to use when retrieving a rogue canapé that lodges itself into one the many wrinkles on the body of an old fart like myself…Some things are best left un-said.)

    • Tom … Thanks for the accolade. Foe an “old fart,” that was very well said … Now, if the search for the errant canape was “handled” without utensils, it might be a bit more fun to search our nooks and crannies!

    • Steve … Thanks for reading … let’s see, a pun on a pun .. I think that deserves some kinda reward … as soon as I think of an inappropriate one, I’ll let you know!

      In the meantime, don’t spill the soup in your lap!

  2. very revealing news! I think that my vanity will prohibit me from dining in one of those trendy spots…sorry to disappoint!

    • Hey Cuky… Thanks for reading. I’m with you … I’m way past my prime for prime-time nudity … I guess for me it’ll just be crackers in bed, then my dust vac, hit the light and say goodnight!

      Appreciate your support!

  3. To pick up on Mike Miller’s comment, that was a masterful expose (hmmm, can’t make the accent show up …). Okay, that was such a masterful expos-ssay, that I thought it should be a Huss-say of the Seriously Absurd variety.

    Thanks for the pre-tour laughs!

    • Mike … Thanks for checking in just before your big X-country bike ride. This was not nearly serious enough for a Huss-say … I think my next Huss-say will be why we can’t have world peace and nude dining under the same roof!

      Safe trip and look forward to your posts!

    • Hey Rick ,,, Thanks for reading my stuff … Haven’t you ever heard of a “fanny pack?”

      This calls for the real deal … In fact, I’m gonna design the “Huss Naked Butt Skin Tight Credit Card Holder for Butt Naked Diners.” Place your order now!

      Appreciate your support.

  4. How would you feel about a seat recently vacated by a nice looking lady, bellied up to the bar, using the bar top as a boob rest? Bet you wouldn’t be so “circumspect” for that occasion! (OK, circumspect is reaching to be a pun, may not make it strictly speaking, but still got a chuckle, I hope.)

  5. Hi Janet … Thanks for reading and commenting.

    First … I would be a bit “bummed,” but you’re right, quite “chary” that a boob-bar-resting woman left while I was standing there. (Puns intended)

    Second … I’m already “circum-specked,” if ya know what I mean … I know … Yucch … TMI. But you started it!

    Third … You got an outright grin to go along with a bit of a chortle … not quite chuckle standards.

    Fourth … I think I would probably forget that I had a travel sized Purell in my hand ready for just such an occasion.

    Appreciate your support.

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