Pop, Pop – No Pop – Sad

The GOP Convention’s over.  I’ve learned that we’re on the verge of a total apocalyptical collapse and only Don the Con can save us.

Thank the gods we have The Con.  I sure hope he can solve another major problem facing millions of us.

bubblewrap with sad face

In one smooth innovative patent swoop, Sealed Air Corporation of Charlotte, NC saved oodles of dollars … but pissed-off oodles of citizens.

I’m sure you’re asking, “Richard WTF did these Bozos do?  What do they make?”

Well, click here to find out …

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Have you recently received a package in the mail?  Did you notice anything different?  Shippers no longer use Bubble Wrap!

Bubble Wrap, that pop-pop-pop wrap s**t used to protect our millions of online purchases, is no more.  Kaput!  Extinct!  Popped out!  Gonezo!

Yep … gone is the free toy for millions of toddlers … and adults.  No more squabbling over whose turn it is to pop the wrap because you can’t pop the replacement …  iBubble Wrap.

What?  Popless poppers?  Who ever heard of such a thing?

I thought my right to mindlessly pop Bubble Wrap bubbles while I consume vast quantities of vodka was constitutionally protected?

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It seems the two guys who invented Bubble Wrap, while trying to improve their textured wallpaper line, had no idea of the unintended benefits of their unintended miracle product.

PROTECTION:  After falling off the TNT set while broadcasting an NBA playoff game, Shaquille O’Neal returned next game-day wrapped in a protective Bubble Wrap suit … all 7’1”, 344 pounds of him.

Nat Geo TV conducted quasi-scientific experiments to determine the protective qualities of Bubble Wrap when you tumble from a first story roof.  Can you clean your gutters wrapped in about 40 yards of Bubble Wrap?

THERAPEUTIC:  For sure!  One minute spent popping the individual bubbles in Bubble Wrap relieves as much stress as a 33-minute massage.

According to some folks, the benefit of popping Bubble Wrap, unlike yoga or meditation, is its instant gratification.  And 44% of men and 35% of women say quicker is better when it comes to relieving stress.

ACCEPTANCE:  No s**t … there’s a national Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day … its scheduled the last Monday in January.

So, a moment of silence for Bubble Wrap … and a pox on Amazon.  Drown me with your delivery drones, Amazon, while you no longer provide me with a free toy and therapy session.

Just sayin’ …

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Here are the links for more about Bubble Wrap and stress relief, protection from falls, and the new iBubble Wrap.

http://keyw.com/one-minute-spent-popping-bubble-wrap-relieves-as-much-stress-as-a-half-hour-massage/?trackback=tsmclip

http://tvblogs.nationalgeographic.com/2014/02/03/can-bubble-wrap-protect-you-from-a-13-foot-fall/

http://ftw.usatoday.com/2015/05/shaq-bubble-wrap

http://www.people.com/article/new-bubble-wrap-no-pop-ibubble-wrap

16 thoughts on “Pop, Pop – No Pop – Sad

  1. Cheer up, Little Richard! No need to get your Tutti-Frutti into a pop-free bunch!

    I mean, Good Golly Miss Molly, we’ve already seen the Tim Burton version of George Washington Carver’s pet project…the plastic packing peanut…bite the dust and sooner or later even those little see-through plastic packets of air will likely go the way of the dinosaur, as well.

    I know, I know. Ya feel all the good stuff is just Slippin’ and Slidin’ away but ya just gotta Keep A-Knockin’….

    • Hey TL … Only you can work Little Richard, Rock’n’Roll and Tim Burton dark humor into a clever response. God I hated those peanuts … I still find a rogue Styrofoam peanut under a piece of furniture when I vacuum every six months.

      As for dinosaurs … I have seen one of those since I got off my paleo-diet …

      Thanks for reading and for all your support … This is me, Slip Slidin’ Away

  2. I never really thought about EVERYBODY liking to pop the bubble wrap. What a cool product that was! Tom, thanks for reminding us of the styro peanuts; they were NO fun and also a pain to clean up. But bubble wrap…was different.

    Richard this a great piece today! Your intro forced me to click! Thanks.

    • I figured we needed some free-self therapy after the GOP convention … Bop your troubles away … Alas for me, my bubble wrap has gone the way of my baseball cards … into the trash. Well … there’s still plenty of vodka.

      Thanks for reading …

  3. Hey, news we can use! Cool, Richard. And the original popping stuff still will be available, hopefully at a local office supply. BYOV.

    • Hey Gail … Thanks for reading …

      Yeh, the stuff will be available but we now have to pay for it. No more freebies from the shipping company.

      In my “research” for this column I discovered that one shipping truck load of the iBubble Wrap took 47 truck loads of the old Bubble Wrap … that’s a lot of trucking … no weight, but a lotta space. Amazing.

  4. Richard–you prompted an idea for a new bumper sticker slogan: Pop corn, not bubbles. Oh, wait, it’ll need to include small print that says the corn be non GMO. Never mind. Sigh.

    • Hey NBR … thanks for reading.

      Yep, the problem with a Bumper Sticker motto is there can’t be any qualifiers. It’s gotta be “guns or butter.” None of this “no fat, no cholesterol” guns. Oh, that’s the butter … never mind!

      • I love bumper stickers! wish i had written a few of my faves, but I always liked “keep honking, I’m reloading”

        • Great … great … I’ve got a book about bumper stickers in America.” Some dude took hundreds of photos and actually talked with a lot of be bumper bearers … interesting …

  5. I think I am sitting under a pile of gold. Just guess what I have in my attic? A ton of Sugar Smacks, code name for you know what is not longer being made. And being a counselor, I already have addicts who will pay big money for it. I knew my hoarding tendencies would eventually pay off big time! Thanks, Don Ricardo, you’ve made my day!

    • Geepers, GL … In your attic? Sure hope it all hasn’t melted together from the Texas heat! Better scramble up there and check it out!

      Sugar Smacks could become dead Honey Bears … weren’t they the cute little fellas on the SS boxes?

      Thanks for reading and for your support … Pop, Pop, Pop … I feel better already. Now, where’s that damn vodka?

  6. Awwwww, man! I absolutely loved popping that stuff! Agree about styrofoam peanuts–lotsa folks very allergic to styrofoam, too, esp. my daughter. Ah, well, we old gomers, if we get desperate, can have balloon blowing parties by the poolside, play balloon volley until we’re too loaded to bop the things, and then pop-pop-pop away!! Guess it’ll save gas for trucks. Until they find something to take that space and gas again.

    • Hey PMartha … Thanks for readin’ and commenting …

      Yeh … I had no concept of the storage problem the big fulfillment centers had … the new stuff is flat and they use a special pump to inflate the bubbles … they, however, do not pop ’cause they’re connected by little canals to allow the air to pass from bubble to bubble. Cool shit, but no more free toys!

      There’s actually an Amazon book about a Bubble Wrap boy … I think it’s a “Young readers” book … supposed to be very poignant story.

      Thanks for your support …

  7. From the article on the “new” bubble wrap: “As a pre-emptive measure, the Charlotte N.C.-based company plans to continue to offer both varieties of Bubble Wrap. So now you can choose – to pop or not to pop…”

    So, clearly now it is upon us “poppers” to continue to demand the old type! Think of it as the new Polaroid film. Polaroid film was literally extinct, but the fascination and demand from young people got so great, they started making it again!

    We must do the same for popping bubble wrap…

    Thankfully, I still have enough of the old type stashed away to keep me popping fro quite some time – as long as traditional poppers don’t “gang up” and break into my home and steal it. Damn, I’ve already said too much. 🙂

  8. Hey, Steve … Thanks for reading and commenting.

    You’re right about the continued manufacturing of the old Bubble Wrap … but now we’re gonna have to buy it unless we get it in small quantities when we buy something from the “Mom & Pop … Pop Shops.” All the big guys are going with the iWrap.

    I foresee Pop Gangs forming and staging attacks on known stashes of bubble Wrap. I won’t sell your address until the price is right. When El Chapo escapes again and becomes El Popoh, I’m selling you down the river.

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