Kurt Vonnegut … “I tell you, we’re here on earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.”

Aaah, Sweet Baby, Geezus.  I was thinking about the reality of living with someone in shared space colliding with our fantasies of relationships.

Fart all marriagesYou’re probably already sayin’, “Whoa back, Richard … there’s still time.  Get your meds … or some Vodka.

“You still share space with a really wonderful person.  Don’t blow it, you dumb s**t!”

Well as we say down South, “Mama din’t raise no fools.”

So if you want to walk on the edge of relationship building with me, you’ll just have to read some more.

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If you’re “married,” you exchanged some version of relationship vows.  You may have written your own.  Modified what was written hundreds of years earlier, or recited traditional vows.

Whatever the situation, lofty promises, expressing undying love and “forever-and-ever” living together were uttered.  Nowhere was it mentioned that living with another person wasn’t like the happily ever after life of the Princess and Prince of fairy tales.

We then launched a beautiful relationship on the rocky, pot holed pathway of reality.

And, by now you realize that the Princess I live with is not matched up with a Prince.

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Round One with the Un-Prince …

Thank the pagan god of toothpaste, “Hydroxyapatite,” that several years ago a major Un-Princely debate was eliminated when toothpaste tubes changed from a lead and tin alloy to space age “plastic.”

No more could I use the line, “Name me one person who doesn’t squeeze and roll from the bottom of the tube.”

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Round Two …

Multiple bathrooms in single family houses established real detante.  No longer sharing the bathroom with your Prince or Princess eliminated an “ugly stink.”

The words, “Honey, your s**t really stinks,” are no longer literal.

But if used euphemistically, they’re still grounds for the gauntlet thrown down, pistolas drawn, sabers unsheathed and the “s**t hitting the fan” … so to speak.

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The Final Round …

Yes, it’s all about reaching that age in our lives when we just can’t seem to control expelling gas from our nether regions.

It’s funny or silly when your pet farts.  It’s even entertaining with a bunch of drunk guys and no females in the room.

But, when your Prince or Princess farts … it’s never funny, silly or entertaining.  And, yes we all fart in spite of the avalanche of early motherly interventions.

But, this time it’s the pagan god “Propaneous” with his patented “Fart Blanket” who comes to our rescue.

And, folks, all I’ll tell you is … the “Sumb**ch” controls the “blowback” and you can get it on Amazon!

Just sayin’ …

8 thoughts on “Kurt Vonnegut … “I tell you, we’re here on earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.”

  1. So let me get this right: A pagan god-worshiping, gas-passing, toothpaste squeezing vigilante with a penchant for evaluating the relative stench of poo…is giving relationship advice?

    And shilling for Amazon?

    That’s just absurd. SERIOUSLY absurd!

    (Psssst! Mari: Aside from “fart blankets,” guess what else you can get on Amazon. Southwest Airlines gift cards!)

    With just a few mouse clicks, you could be “free to move about the country” and more! With 98 different destinations in 41 states along with Puerto Rico, Mexico, Central America and the Caribbean…odds are good you could “breathe the free air” for quite a while before FartMan tracks ya down!

    • Hey, TL … Thanks for reading and commenting (I think) …

      Answer to 1st Q: Yes … why not?

      Answer to 2nd Q: I guess so, but not intentionally … I just thought the idea of a Fart Blanket was a life saver and people should know where to get one!

      As for it being “seriously absurd,” you’re right … and so am I … very seriously absurd!

      As for your giving advice to my spouse … step away … that could end up being a very smelly situation.

      And, BTW, thanks for all your support.

    • Hey, Rich … Thanks for coming out of hiding. I appreciate knowing that you read this crap. Kinda re-enforces my notions of our youth.

      BTW … I still have nightmares re: Herr Emil Kauder! He just might end up being a character in one of my Flash Fiction pieces … complete with his sandals and socks … What a Prussian!

      • Oh, ;YES!!! A piece about Emil Kauder!! Those eyes alone will fill a couple pages if I wrote about him! The gait, the gaze, and the intellectual haze! Bring it, Huss!!

    • Lynn … Thanks for reading! I didn’t believe this when it was brought to my attention as being “blog worthy.” I knew it was a farce. But, the damn blanket’s real and the inventor’s working on other household items that are more portable … now, if we could just get one for the dog!

  2. Who else can remember going on a hot date, dressed your best, best place in town, romantic cocktails, and then declining to go home with the person or to take him home because, well, what you needed the very most was a big, long, loud, I-ate-more-tonight-than-I-usually-eat-in-a-week FART!!!

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