Not another Claxton!

Lowe’s hasn’t put out Xmas decorations yet, but I can already hear the “Devil’s Décor” rattling around in boxes trying to get to the shelves and ruin my Xmas.

This year I’m beating Lowe’s to the punch and starting my Xmas spirit early.

There’s a chill in the air, a spring in my step and I’m already killing brain cells with holiday spirits.  Well, there’s not really “a chill in the air” … unless you count the icy chill in my glass.

I’m actually making a gift list and checking it twice.  I can hear my friends, “Please God, keep me off Richard’s list!”

Drum Roll – batta-boom-bing!  I’m off my tether because this year it’s Claxton Fruitcakes for all.

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Claxton Bakery in Claxton, GA.  Hometown of the only gift in America that makes   a box of Whitman Samplers taste yummy!

Claxton’s so bad I’d rather get that threatened lump of coal from Santa for living on the dark side of his “Naughty or Nice List.”

And humorist Will Rogers said, “I’ve never met a fruitcake that I liked.”  I think we can assume he’s talking about the sweet … not the person.

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Claxton’s also nostalgia and misery for me.

Every year, my mother bought a one-pounder… treated it as if it were the most treasured sweet cake ever made.

She parceled out one slice to each of us on Xmas Day … and this time you were the “lucky one” if you got the really thin slice.

Mom hid food from us, but the Claxton was the only thing we never looked for.  If by mistake we found the damn thing, we hid it again hoping she couldn’t find it!

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As an adult, I gave Claxton one more shot.  I think I was trying to confirm if Mom wanted to poison me.

I voluntarily bought a Claxton – I think it was from some grubby little neighbor kid financing his band tuba, which back then was solid effing brass.

I soaked the brick in rum for weeks … maybe even months.

It was really moist.  A sample made it past my lips … but not down my esophagus.   Thwock … I hocked it to the counter.

Pausing … I strained to make the best of a “glass-half-full” situation.

I grabbed the Claxton and squeezed, draining all the precious rum into my empty glass.  I iced it, added a bit of fresh lime juice, and a splash of seltzer.

A glass now full!

“Claxton over Ice” … I salute you … and a Merry Xmas to all!

Just sayin”…

12 thoughts on “Not another Claxton!

  1. Oh, you seriously absurd Christmas gnome!

    (Okay. I’ll admit it. That salutation is my not-so-thinly-veiled attempt to stay OFF your Christmas gift list.)

    Still, I applaud your truthiness!

    The REAL “root of all evil”? Not money. Not Donald Trump. It’s Fruitcakes!

    For starters, taking perfectly good maraschino cherries out of perfectly good Manhattans and chopping them up and baking them into brick-like holiday projectiles is just plain EVIL!

    (Ye olde history scholars know it wasn’t a storm that destroyed the Spanish Armada back in 1588….if was Sir France Drake’s decision to forego cannonballs and fire all the fruitcakes he’d ever been given in his life at those seagoing Spaniard’s ships…which promptly sunk like stones.)

    The only real flaw in this week’s story is where you refer to yourself as “an adult.”

    Can we get a vote on that one? The loser gets a fruitcake.

    • Hey TL … Thanks for readin’ …

      Yep … knew it was a bit of stretch when I went back a read it … but hit the “Send” button anyway in hopes that I could pass … as an adult.
      As for “maraschino cherry death,” you’re absolutely right … but it’s the green ones in the cake that really gross me out.
      And, hat’s off to Manitou Springs CO where they have modified but continue the Spaniard’s tradiiton … those crazy Manitouians hold an annual “Fruit Cake Toss Day.” I think they just collect ’em from the town folks who insist on giving them to each other every Xmas.

      Thanx for all your support …

  2. Fruitcake has unfairly become the brunt of stale old jokes which probably originated with the homemade versions. We used to have the Claxton cakes each Christmas and when I tried one in later years it was disappointing. Now we rather enjoy the Publix brand — a small one each holiday season. Hmmm. Guess that says something for how much we like them. Once is enough. We never buy spares to freeze for later. Which raises the question of whether we really like the cakes or perhaps just the tradition.

    • Hi Gail … Thanks for readin’

      Please say it’s the “tradition” and not the fruitcake itself! Yep it’s a “stale joke,” but so is the butt of the joke … even fresh outta the box, Claxton is stale … I wonder if they even bother to “date code” the damn things. Shelf life … Hmmm, 7-12 years sounds good!

      Until next week … and more absurdly serious stuff to write about.

  3. Hohoho! The Christmas decorations are in all the stores in Texas, so you are way behind in Florida. Kids are already caroling at the old folks’ homes and the Claxton website is already doing big business.
    Here’s the truth about the success of store bought fruitcakes and the rise of Claxton’s stock. When I was young, my mom and grandmother started preparing for their fruitcake baking about this time of the year because fruitcake had to be aged like wine. They bought the candied fruit and raisins, spices and nuts, suet (maybe that was for the plum pudding) and brandy (maybe that was the real reason they started in September.) For hours they worked to bake the cakes and then cooled and wrapped them in cheesecloth soaked in the leftover brandy. This was a process that took days plus having to add more brandy at least a couple times a week to keep the cakes soft. When we moved to Georgia, home of the famous Claxton fruitcakes, my mom never made fruitcakes from scratch again, and from then on we only had Claxton fruitcakes, which sometimes would last until Easter. Thanks for the memories, Richard!

    • GL … Thanx for readin’ …

      OMG … you have memories of fruitcake dancin’ in your head? Quick … get this woman a drink! And make sure it has both red and “gross-out-green” maraschino cherries in it!

      At least I’m glad your mom and grandmother quit the hours of prep and went to the corner Claxton outlet for their fruit cakes.

      I really think you need to stop thanking me for conjuring up those memories! Some are best forgotten … Just sayin’

  4. In my family buying a fruitcake was unheard of because the family recipe doesn’t have marachino cherries in it and is a very dark and delicious fruit cake, so moist you don’t need booze on it, which is good for the Baptist side.
    Once I received a Claxton at work. What I remember is that it tasted like old cellophane and was really sticky.
    The fruitcakes made in Scotland are varied in recipes, can be light cake or dark, and most of the time are beautiful tasting, especially since the traditional icing is one thin layer of marzipan and then a thin layer of royal icing, the boiled and then rolled out to fit the cake icing you see on royal wedding cakes. No candied goop in them, either.
    So much goop in all our food unless we make it ourselves. Ever been to Red Lobster? Goop and more goop.
    P. Martha xx

    • Hey PMartha … Thanx for readin’ …

      Quit complaining … A Claxton is supposed to taste like old cellophane and be real sticky … that just means that they nailed that cake … it was perfect!

      All the Baptists I knew loved their fruitcake … it was the only way they could “get away with” drinking. Can’t be a boor and not eat the cake proffered … and, “Yes by God, I think I will have seconds!”

      Won’t go to a Red Lobster … they don’t have Fruitcake on their Xmas dessert menu …

      Thanks for all your support.

  5. Richard,

    Thanks to the modern miracle … that would be the Internet, I was able to pre-order your Claxton fruit cake and have scheduled deliver to you on Xmas eve for your annual culinary delight and was able to schedule one per year for the next 10 years… think about it… a decade of Claxton’s delivered to your mail box.. for a decade. As for Xmas spirit, perhaps if you start egg nogging today you’ll be ready.
    Merry Xmas

    Michael

    • Hey Michael … Thanx for readin’ …

      And, by God I love an optimist … ordering anything for me for the next 10 years is a vote of confidence! Thanx. Now all I ned to do is order my rum for the next 10 years so my Claxton Cockrails will be taken care of.

      Who needs plebeian eggnog when they can enjoy “Claxton over ice” with both red & green maraschino cherries … can’t get more Xmas-ey than that!

      Appreciate your support … and remember, there’s less than a week before more absurdity is delivered to your E-device!

    • Hi Jeanne F … Thanks for reading.

      Any sauce with brandy in it catches my attention … I just might put it in a snifter and call it a night … Or, I could always use it for dunkin’ my Twinkies … You know I’m such a class guy!

      Thanks for your support!

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