Sperm ‘n Eggs

When you make a deposit at the bank, you’re expected to keep your genitals in your pants … most of the time.

But, that’s not required at a new bank in the area.

I’m not messing with you!  You won’t be arrested.  You‘re not gonna be the new poster boy replacing Weiner’s selfie on the Vice Squad’s wall.

And, you do get to make a deposit.

Plus, they service both men and women.  Equal opportunity … though the returns on deposit(s) may differ.

This bank’s “Seriously Absurd.”

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I’m talking about Cryos International sperm bank.  They opened over a year ago in the University of Central Florida (UCF) neighborhood where they’re perfectly positioned to attract new depositors.

What?  You say a sperm bank’s in our area?  And it’s located close to a university filled with young-sex-crazed-always-in-need-of-money kids?

And they’re gonna pay these kids for deposits?

Yep … That’s what I said. Though I think they should also give their marketing staff bonuses for the relocation decision to be up-close-and-personal with their prime depositors.

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Apparently Cryos’ success with sperm deposits has gone to their head and they’re now going after the egg market.  And, we ain’t talkin’ cage free, free range, happy, egg layin’ chickens, either.

We’re talking women.  Female eggs.  Hell, if you can freeze a guy’s sexy swimmers, you can sure as s**t freeze eggs.

Ted Williams’ kids had his effing head frozen back in 2002 at the Alcor Life Extension Foundation.  They dropped his noggin in a thermos-like contraption kept at -321 F.  Wonder how that worked out?

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Back to Cryos … Based on a quality and quantity inspection at the time of their visit, men are paid $15-$100 per deposit.  Plus they give you a $20 gift card.

Big whoop!

Wait a minute … what if you’re the $15 kinda guy but your buddy gets $100?

Men have enough self-concept issues without being told, “Hey, man … go home and bulk up on protein shakes before your next deposit!”

The egg donors, women, are paid five grand per donation.

Say what?

Men get $15-$100 and women walk out with $5000?  Isn’t this unequal pay in the work place?

Sure the women have to do a minor “medical procedure” and the men get paid for doing what they all wanna do anyway.  Still, that’s quite a gap on the old pay scale.

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I wonder … Do you have to bring your own magazine?

Just sayin’ …

9 thoughts on “Sperm ‘n Eggs

  1. Seriously absurd? Definitely. And it comes (spelled any way you like) with a side order of “senior angst,” too.

    Just another “seminal” moment us old folks missed out on.

    • Know what you mean, TL … I felt very old knowing I cannot make a deposit in CISB (that would be Cryos Int’l Sperm Bank).

      Plus, to add insult to injury, I’m a Blood Bank reject, too!

      Good thing my other banks at least recognize my name … I love my small neighborhood bank … that one for all of America!

  2. Life just isn’t fair, is it? Imagine if there had been a sperm bank across the street from FPC back in the 60’s, but sadly the first US sperm bank opened in 1971 up north somewhere.
    The Catholic Church and the Southern Baptist Convention don’t approve of third party reproduction, something about the “union” of husband and wife. Sheesh!

    Thanks, Richard, for an entertaining piece that took my attention away from the election for a few minutes.

    • Hi GL … Thanks for reading. I purposely stayed away from the politics … I can’t handle it any more … sure glad at least the ads will be gone by 11/9. The TV networks will be scrambling to fill air time.

      Hell, back in the 60s I’m not sure we even knew what sperm was. I did go to the Blood Bank, but they rejected me … I watched my blood drop hang around the top of the test tube … it was supposed to sink … told me I was “iron deficient.” I smiled because they had no idea just how deficient I was.

      Glad to learn the Southern Baptists and RCs have something in common … though it appears to be somewhat archaic, at least IMHO. Thanks for all your support …

    • Hey Rick … Thanx for readin’ my stuff … Wow, that wasn’t in the rule book I read. You do have to sign away all rights to the little swimmers, but nada mentioned about EWD. Sounds curable with a little blue pill, if you know what I mean!

      Appreciate your support … and humor.

  3. I wonder how they do the storing of it all. For example, Boy Joe makes seventeen deposits during his time in school. Later, his sister Ann donates a few eggs. Wondering if they keep possibly related people’s sperm and eggs labeled so that they can’t be bred together in vitro.
    Also wonder if any of these places store the products in nuclear safe places, just in case, you know. . . .

    • Hi PMartha … Thanx for reading and for all your support.

      The rule book is quite thorough and none of it was lending itself to anything absurd … it was all serious.

      The storage is a proven method … no problems there.
      As for relatives … I’m sure they have all forms of genetic markers to avoid such an event.
      In the case of nuclear holocaust … well I think everything gets trashed in a “meltdown” … literally and figuratively.

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