Santa “The Red”

I’m in line at the Post Office … brain and eyes wandering.  They strobe across a photo posted on the wall.

I move closer to take a look.

The Feds are after some guy for burglary … trespassing … flying w/o a license … entering restricted no-fly zones … violations of child labor law … distribution of unregulated toys … OSHA violations … workplace discrimination based on gender and age … and animal cruelty.

I study the photo … Holy S**t!

Staring back at me is a rosy cheeked, white bearded, fat man, dressed in a red suit trimmed in white!


He’s known as Chris Kringle … aka Saint Nicholas … aka Santa Claus.

I know he’s not a bad man.  In fact, he’s probably more popular worldwide than any of our Presidents … especially beginning in 2017!

But … and it’s a “big butt,” it looks like the long arm of the law’s corralled his jolly old fat ass.  They’re throwing the book at my jelly bellied friend.

This is a frame-up … definitely “Fake News!”


Burglary?  Bite me!  He gets millions of written invitations to come into homes.  Sure, a few don’t give him permission to drop-in, but he’s not taking anything … he’s leaving stuff!

Taking the cookies and milk doesn’t count.  Drop the gavel on that burglary rap!

Child labor laws?  Who ya kiddin’?  Elves ain’t kids!  If you know one thing about elves, you know they’re really, really old.  Kick that one to the side of the road!

OSHA Smosha!  With T-Rump coming into the “Oval Orifice,” there won’t be any OSHA regs to enforce.  Kiss-off that puppy!

The same with the workplace discrimination charges … bag ‘em!  The new Administration’s position on discrimination’s totally transparent … Abuse the Workers!

The motto for the nominated Sec of Labor is: “If you pay ‘em at all, you’re payin’ ‘em too much!”

As for animal cruelty … The new Sec of Interior and head of EPA don’t think much about saving the f**king reindeer … unless it’s for steaks!

According to Wikileaks, their plan is to crisscross the North Pole with so many pipelines there won’t be any tundra left for the reindeer to s**t on, much less munch on!

They think the jolly old fat man’s rescuing the reindeer!


“On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen.  On Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen.

And with a nod from the President Elect, “Vlad-dolph the Red” will lead Santa’s sleigh Xmas Night … “SAD!”

Just sayin’ …

Holiday Weigh-In

santas-dietsTis the season to be fatter .. Fa la la la la,la la la la.

My stomach grows it doesn’t matter … Fa la la la la la, la la la la.

Wait a minute.  Don’t worry!  I’ve got the secret!  I have found The Way … The Cure!  I denounce the “fatitude” of the Xmas Holidays that has plagued us forever.

I’m sharing it here and it won’t cost you a dime.

After all … ‘tis the Season!


Step #1 … Never read any advice (except this) for how to cope with the Xmas Battle of the Bulge.  All it does is make you feel helpless and hopeless.  Too many rules and too much nutritional information for you to “digest” … pun intended.

Step #2 Never under any circumstances weigh yourself before going to a party.  What’re you … nuts?

Step #3 … Prepare two 3×5 cards marked “Reserved.”  You’ll need these for your prime seats.  The ones you’ve repositioned close to the bar and the buffet.

You might have to move chairs or stools to your prime positions.

Step #4 … Don’t eat or drink before the party.  The party’s FREE!

Give me one good reason you should pass up FREE and eat or drink what you’ve already paid for.  All you’ll do is ruin your appetite, get drunker and miss out on FREE!

Step #5 … When you arrive, Be Brave!  Don’t fret about what people will think.

It’s Xmas and they’re already stressed to the max.  You’re a speck in their minds and they’re ratcheted up thinking about what they CAN’T eat or drink for the night.

Drop those 3×5 cards on your chair or stool when you go to the spread or the bar.

Step #6 Buffet Management … Be “First in Line.”  You’ve mentally and physically prepared for this event.

Don’t be a Woosie and get an attack of “The Polites.”  This is a critical point and you need to act on your on best interest.

Step #7 …  Bar Management … Don’t waste empty calories on cocktails with mixers.  Get your alcohol on the rocks or neat.  If you absolutely must … then okay, drink wine.

But, if alcohol is offered, opting for wine is just stupid.  You’re after the most “Bang for Someone Else’s Buck.”  Wine won’t get you there.

Step #8 … This’s the most important in your “Steps to Xmas Weight Success.”

Santa is fat … not skinny.  Fat’s okay at Xmas.  His suit’s ugly, but he’s kinda jolly in a fat’ish sorta way.

Besides, how many damn parties are you going to?  Maybe two or three?  Forget about the weight.  It’s not like you’re dedicating your entire life to this eating style!

Relax … enjoy … gain a coupla pounds … and have a really Merry Xmas!

Just sayin’ …

Joy to the Wallet

As I write this, there are 24 days, 13 hours, 12 minutes and 50 seconds left until Xmas.


Remember when we used to only track the “shopping days ‘til Xmas?”

No more.  Thanks to “Cyber Shopping,” now we count days, hours, minutes and seconds as we shop for Xmas 24-7.

C’mon Man … how much fun is it staring at your E-device instead of warming up with a Margarita or two, heading into town, parallel parking with bravado, sharp elbows popping other shoppers outta your way, tanking up on more Margaritas, telling the store wrapper to “skip the bow ‘cause you’re in a hurry,” looking for that one last gift that you think’ll be perfect … did I mention the barrels of essential Margaritas?


This year, I decided to try my hand at … online shopping, a grand venture into the vast unknown of … “The Internet Economy!”

I randomly grabbed three print-catalogs that Xmas marketers jammed into our mail box.

“The Popcorn Factory” … “Sharper Image” … and “What on Earth, a collection of really cool stuff – over a 450 gifts under $20.”

Using these catalogs, I started my “on-the-line” spree.


My motto – tackle the Big Dawg first!  I logged into “What on Earth.”  Hey, 450 items under $20 … that’s what I’m talkin’ about!

I e-searched and discovered there’s a lotta really worthless s**t for $20-$40.

But, the Superhero Apron Set – that caught my eye.  Wonder Woman, endowed with breasts that drove sex-crazed-teen-boys into a frenzy, and Captain America, with a built in codpiece crotch.  Yowzaa!

I could see my wife and I boogying in the kitchen, cooking up a storm, seducing each other in our hot-to-trot aprons … $24.95.

I rethought the aprons.  Not Happenin’!


Next, I dove into the food arena via The Popcorn Factory.

I could tell right away this wasn’t Jiffy Pop over-the-stove-popcorn-s**t!

Let’s go whole hawg!  I zeroed-in on the popcorn tyranny-tower of Dancing Reindeer Tins.  Only $169.95.

Uh oh … the tower’d probably collapse from rot before we could snack through it!

Not Happenin’!


Then I went Big Time … the Sharper Image – home of “Tomorrow’s Best Gifts Available Today!”

Who doesn’t want to have a “sharper image?”  I was hooked.

And here it is – a “Shoe Deodorizer!  A stand-up thingie that uses ultraviolet light that’s been “tested to kill harmful germs in a laboratory setting.”

OMG … wonder if it’ll work in the closet.  That’s kinda like a very unusual laboratory setting.

Gotta have it … only $139.99.

Hmmm.  I’ve never ever met anyone who sniffs shoes.  That’s a big Not Happenin’!

Guess I’ll just learn to love my somewhat-less-than-sharper-image.


After a rigorous day of on-the-line shopping, I let out a deep breath and whispered to no one in particular but quite possibly everyone in general …

“Merry Xmas to all and to all a good night … I’m waitin’ ‘til the 24th to shop!”

Just sayin’ …