Tis the season to be fatter .. Fa la la la la,la la la la.
My stomach grows it doesn’t matter … Fa la la la la la, la la la la.
Wait a minute. Don’t worry! I’ve got the secret! I have found The Way … The Cure! I denounce the “fatitude” of the Xmas Holidays that has plagued us forever.
I’m sharing it here and it won’t cost you a dime.
After all … ‘tis the Season!
Step #1 … Never read any advice (except this) for how to cope with the Xmas Battle of the Bulge. All it does is make you feel helpless and hopeless. Too many rules and too much nutritional information for you to “digest” … pun intended.
Step #2 … Never under any circumstances weigh yourself before going to a party. What’re you … nuts?
Step #3 … Prepare two 3×5 cards marked “Reserved.” You’ll need these for your prime seats. The ones you’ve repositioned close to the bar and the buffet.
You might have to move chairs or stools to your prime positions.
Step #4 … Don’t eat or drink before the party. The party’s FREE!
Give me one good reason you should pass up FREE and eat or drink what you’ve already paid for. All you’ll do is ruin your appetite, get drunker and miss out on FREE!
Step #5 … When you arrive, Be Brave! Don’t fret about what people will think.
It’s Xmas and they’re already stressed to the max. You’re a speck in their minds and they’re ratcheted up thinking about what they CAN’T eat or drink for the night.
Drop those 3×5 cards on your chair or stool when you go to the spread or the bar.
Step #6 … Buffet Management … Be “First in Line.” You’ve mentally and physically prepared for this event.
Don’t be a Woosie and get an attack of “The Polites.” This is a critical point and you need to act on your on best interest.
Step #7 … Bar Management … Don’t waste empty calories on cocktails with mixers. Get your alcohol on the rocks or neat. If you absolutely must … then okay, drink wine.
But, if alcohol is offered, opting for wine is just stupid. You’re after the most “Bang for Someone Else’s Buck.” Wine won’t get you there.
Step #8 … This’s the most important in your “Steps to Xmas Weight Success.”
Santa is fat … not skinny. Fat’s okay at Xmas. His suit’s ugly, but he’s kinda jolly in a fat’ish sorta way.
Besides, how many damn parties are you going to? Maybe two or three? Forget about the weight. It’s not like you’re dedicating your entire life to this eating style!
Relax … enjoy … gain a coupla pounds … and have a really Merry Xmas!
Just sayin’ …