Bring Back the Mastadons!

Bring back the Mastodons … manly-kind is in crisis!

When the Mastodons dominated North America … also known as the “all-things-manly-days” … men led pheromone laced lives.

They gathered in smelly gangs of “Bros” and ran through the wild lands yelling, screaming and shaking their spears as they hunted the Megafauna to bring home the “Mastobacon.”

What could be more Manly-Man … and stupid … than attacking a beast that weighed 4-6 tons was close to 9’ tall and 12’-15’ long?

Answer:  NOTHING!


Now-a-days, we men are barraged daily with threats to our manhood.

“How do ya handle a hungry man?”  Ya give him freakin’ canned soup.


“Brawny” paper towels?  C’mon … ya want me to wipe up spilled milk after I’ve already cried over it?

Move over men … women in the CIA, Secret Service, Boy Scouts (soon to be Scouts without the “Boy”), and all sports.

Gender ID issues are leading us down the retro-path to unisex bathrooms … which were all that was available until the early 1700s.  It was the French who dreamed up the first gender segregated bathrooms.   Vive le français !

As history repeats itself, we’ll soon be peeing and pooping together again … destroying the “Public Man Cave” … making it another relic of the past!

I’m already stockpiling “Men” signs from bathroom doors … next stop, E-Bay!

Then there’s the 1973 Rock-n-Roll hit, “Smokin’ in the Boys’ Room” … no question it’s kaput, although no one even bothered to write, “Smokin’ in the Girls’ Room.”


And now we’ve got the “Macho, Macho Man” Trumplethinskin role playing as our President … trying to prove that his small hands don’t mean … “size matters!”

With access to the entire US arsenal of war toys and personnel, Prez Thinskin’s a male-middle-school-playground-man-child-bully threatening to obliterate the world.

He loves his new alt-right alt-fact alt-boy game … “Commander-in-Chief.”

He’s so into CiC and playing war, he’s lookin’ for any alt-reason to launch missiles or drop more “Mother-of-all-Bombs.”


And now … we have the icing on the Manly-Man Cake.

When 21st century couples go to fertility clinics, it’s reported that women are the “decision makers” in determining the gender of their store-bought-baby.  And they ain’t asking for boy babies.

The requests for girl babies far outpace the request for little weenie waggers.

Guys we’re in deep, deep doo-doo … and we need to “Bring Back the Mastodons!”

Just sayin’ …

“And another one bites the dust …”

21st Century Fox pronounced again … “We will no longer tolerate sexual harassment in our workplace!

No trouser dropping, genital grabbing, sex laced innuendo spouting old men allowed in our studios.”


At least not this one particular guy.

On the same day he shook hands with Pope “Frank-the-Wonder” Francis, Bill “Leer-Grunt-and-Masturbate” O’Reilly was shepherded out of the unfriendly folds of 21st Century Fox and Fox News.

And though he’s blaming everyone else … like the “Left Wing Liberal Lame Stream Media” … angry hags … and gutless ass-kissing empty suits … all O’Reilly really has to do is look in the mirror to see who’s responsible for his ignominious demise.



The real question is, “Are we gonna learn anything from this latest publicly disgraced self-immolated disgrace of a man?”

To answer that, look no further than the White House.

It’s still the home of a genital-grabbing-sexist-pig-in-residence.  He’s signing executive orders as fast as he can buy Presidential pens from China … many denying women basic rights.


Blocking equal pay for equal work … “Screw it … who wants that?”

Denying accessible and affordable women’s health clinics run by Planned Parenthood … “No one needs those … at least no men.”

Re-instituting the “Global Gag Rule” denying US funding for women’s health in foreign countries … “Hey, if our women can’t have access, why should those foreigners?”

Slashing all budgets providing any assistance, protection or support for US citizens, but increase funds for Defense and Homeland Security … “I did it on my own … except for a few million bucks my daddy loaned me … if I can do it, why can’t they?”

Issuing Proclamations for National Women’s History Month & National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month … “OMG, how did those slip underneath my ‘Made in China’ pen?”


I think it’s way past time to destroy “The Republican Un-holy Trinity.”

We already nailed two of the three … Roger Ailes and Bill O’Reilly.

Now if the gutless GOP could just drop the curtain on the Trumplethinskin vaudeville, stage and reality TV show … we’d have the third member.

Whadaya say Congress … any chance you could pull the plug on the alt-fact “Thinskin Follies and eradicate the “Un-holy Alliance?”

Just sayin’ …

Speed Eating Sports … Gluttons Make it to the Big Time

Ladies and Gentlemen … start your choppers!

Open … stuff … chomp … glug!

You’ve now entered the arena of “speed eating sports” where there’s no time for chewing or savoring.


Though it may not take the highly honed hand-eye coordination of other sports … food eating contests have captured the imagination of the reality show crazed American public and regurgitated themselves into a national past time.

But wait … there’s more to digest!


Fuhgedabout “mom-taught-manners” … this is hand-to-mouth combat and at times direct-face-to-plate-action.

Speed eating’s exploded from quaint local county fair pie eating contests to a sports industry with corporate sponsors, its own professional organization (Major League Eating – MLE), coaches, agents and lucrative purses … plus an ESPN contract with live audiences in the 100s of thousands.

There’s even an MLE Hall of Fame … could it be a Hall of Shame?


Active competitors vying for The Hall are Joey Chestnut, of Nathan’s Hotdog fame, and the Twinkie’s record of 121 Twinkies in 6 minutes …  105 pound Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas who slurped down 47 dozen oysters in 8 minutes …  and Patrick “Deep Dish” Bertoletti holder of the world’s poutine eating championship, 13 pounds of gravy and cheese soaked fries in 10 minutes.


But  … it’s not all “gravy” in the world of a speed eater.

Food health critics claim these professional gluttons set bad examples for those suffering from eating disorders.

Best guesses are that in less than a minute of stuffing dogs-n-buns in their mouths … eaters sky rocket past federal RDAs (Recommended Daily Allowances) for salt, fats and trans fats.

Who cares about carbs by this time!

Gyrating, jumping eaters resemble pre-Vegas early Elvis as they try to shake-rattle-and-roll massive food intake into their ever expanding stomachs.

MLE now requires professional medical staffing at their contests to treat jaw injuries, strokes, choking, and water intoxication … but with greater public exposure, the eaters push to challenge the limits of this “Foodie Stuffer’s Frontier!”


I say, let ‘em eat!  It’s an All-American Sport … and it sure beats dwarf bowling by a long shot!

If we can pay billions to watch steroidal behemoths collide at super human speeds carrying an oblong piece of pig … then, we can absorb the shock of 21 pounds of grits disappearing into “Deep Dish” Bertoletti’s gut.

Just sayin’ …

As if we didn’t have enough to worry about … Now there’s “Bunnygeddon!”

Easter’s right around the corner.  Oh boy!  Bring on the bunnies!

Bunnies are so-o-o cute and cuddly.  Bunnies are soft and allegedly gentle.  But … bunnies become rabbits and that’s the problem.

Not the problem visited upon the hapless folks in a small Arizona town invaded by 1,000s of mutant, carnivorous killer rabbits in “Night of the Lepus,” a 1972 imagination stretcher sci-fi movie.

Nope!  This is a real live problem … “Invasion of the Bunnies,” Reno, NV style.


We know about “The Rabbit Habit” …  not the nun, but the habit of a “whole lot of you-know-what goin’ on!”

Here’s the problem … bunnies are the third most purchased pet … mostly at Easter … and, they’re the most commonly dumped … in all their fertile and unfixed glory.

Add to that factoid … thanks to ingenious Nevada State officials who thought it would be “calming” for their mental patients to have bunnies hopping around a Reno facility … 40 rabbits were imported to roam the grounds.

Cool and kind for the patients … bad for the town … none of the rabbits were “fixed.”  Violà … Bunnygeddon!

Lord-Gawd-Almighty wouldn’t ya know it?  Them thar rabbits did what rabbits do best.

They multiplied like rabbits … about 18-30 bunnies per female per year.

Boom!  That’s the sound of a veritable explosion in the family Leporidae within Reno’s city limits.


Attempts at control have been disappointing.

When bunnies become rabbits, they lose their fuzzy appeal.  Let’s see … would I rather adopt a cuddly kitty, a playful puppy or a carrot chomping rabbit?  Unfortunately there just aren’t enough “takers.”

Some old-timers are none too pleased with the catch, “fix” and release attempts.  Their right to bear arms and protect their private property has become a “cause de celebré.”  They want adult rabbits to “roll over and be dead” … not play dead.

Others prefer the “Mister or Ms. Rabbit Go for the Midnight Ride of No Return.”


To date, the best estimates of feral rabbit gangs roaming the Reno streets at night  … eating anything and everything and fornicating in public, number in the thousands.

Meanwhile, Reno city officials seeking help to “fix Bunnygeddon,” face a control problem estimated at millions of dollars … not to mention a throng of rabid PETA-philes waiting for the first Reno authorized “bunny shootout.”

I can hear their frantic call for help … “Carson City, this is Reno.  Carson City … we have a problem.  I repeat … we have a problem.”

Just sayin’ …

The New Stooges … Donnie, Mitch & Paulie

Fear not … those of you concerned about education and specifically pre-school learning.

Donny, Mitch and Paulie, the Three Stooges of DC, have teamed up with their new BFF, Betsy “I-Know-My-ABC’s-And-Am-A-Nice-Person” DeVoss, and are coming to our rescue.


It’s a FOX/Trump re-make of that outdated TV preschool neighborhood … aptly named … “At the Corner of Plush and Posh Streets!”

Plush & Posh … where all residents are white and minorities play their proper service roles … Sanitation Engineers, Home Environmental Hygienists and Mommy & Daddy Subs.

And the promise that you’ll enjoy an educational experience that ensures … “You’ll start on the Right Foot!”


Some of the old PBS favorites are glammed-up.

Meet Jamal Oberron Johnson … the hood’s Sanitation Engineer, replacing Oscar the Grouch, who’ll no longer pop out of his goopy, green, dented garbage can condo.

Instead, Jamal reminds all the kiddies and their M&D Subs, not to leave their empty plastic bottles of $37 Icelandic Glacial Natural Spring Water lying around.

“Littering is a behavior exhibited by the less fortunate,” he tells them as his robotic-portable-recycling-litter-masher, U2TrashToo, scoops up their trash and simultaneously sanitizes their tree lined sidewalk.


Muffie, Buffie and Brock sit on the marble steps of their “City Home” … glued to their I-Pads as another re-puppetization, The Count — who’s been retained because of his Melania-like Eastern European accent – hops out of his Rolls Royce to teach the kids their “Special Number for the Day.”

“Today kids, we’ll learn about the true value of the number … Zero,” shouts the Count.

He then belts out a jazzy hip-hop rendition of, “In your Trust Fund … it’s the zeros in front of the commas and decimal … which determine your true value.”

Reminding the kiddies to “Buy Low and Sell High” … the Count wraps himself in his Ivanka P&P Designer Cape and disappears into the Rolls.


Don’t look for Bert and Ernie … the two guys who shared a bedroom – replaced by Eric and Junior, two guys with their own Tower digs.

Cookie Monster, who ate-up his profits … gone … and re-puppeted as “Cookiepreneur” – a cookie mogul with vast bakery and distribution holdings.

And wait ‘til you see the new “Big Bird in the Hood!”

Don’t spend money on a goofy, uncoordinated, overgrown canary … when you can have the pride of America … “Baldy the Eagle!”

Yep … it’s time we taught our kids how to set their priorities … for their own maximum personal benefit.


Just sayin’ …