News Flash! This Just In …

In my attempt to be totally informed and up to date, I check rogue Twitter accounts, obscure Lithuanian blogs, the “Dark Web,” and cave writings looking for information below the public’s radar.

Some of you may doubt the veracity of the following alt-alt-facts.

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President Barack completes application for membership at Mar-a-Lago.

His “Family Membership” would open all the resort’s facilities to Michelle, Malia and Sasha.

A leaker – OMG, not more leaks – from the M-a-L Membership Committee stated, “No one in the club will speak to or make eye contact with any of the Obamas.”

He added that “For sure, President Obama would never be invited to a golf foursome but thought it was possible that, if disguised as servers, Michelle and the girls could ‘mingle’ with diners.”

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Since the famed 1995 Gerard Finnernan “Drink Cart Dump” on United Airlines, applications for airline Flight Attendant positions have slowed to a trickle and it appears that Flight Attendants are quitting in droves.

In an attempt to revamp their customer care programs and increase the pool of potential flight attendants, airlines initiated the first annual Flight Attendant’s Employment Draft starting in 2017.

To support the new draft, United Airlines announced yesterday a trade offer of its entire crew of flight attendants plus $1.5 billion in cash for Japan Airlines’ flight attendants.

According to insiders JAL is considering the proposal … but not seriously.

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President Trump and Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un inked a multi-bazillion dollar contract for a mano-a-mano cage fight to the death … or until one of them yells, “Uncle.”

The bout, brokered by Roger Ailes and Bill O’Reilly is in conjunction with the launch of their new entertainment venture … Focks VD.

The first fight will take place in Ames, IA … just one of many bouts pitting Trump against designated world leaders.  Vladimir Putin’s rumored to be signed for the next fight.

These “Battle Royale” contests are the crux of Trump’s re-election strategy and his new campaign slogan … “Make America Mano-a-Mano Again.”

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And on a lighter note, the Kirkland (Costco) 30-gallon drawstring garbage bag has earned the Serial Killer-Dismemberment Society Seal of Excellence awarded by JD Power.

Over 1,000 manufacturers entered their best bags for the brutal test … a competition for durability, anti-stretchiness and odor resistance.

JD Power insists no humans were injured and no human body parts were used in the tests.  When asked about what was in the bags, a “No Comment” was issued.

Be sure to pick up a supply … If it’s Costco, it’s gotta be good!

Just sayin …

4 thoughts on “News Flash! This Just In …

  1. ROFLMAO! I wonder which strain of marijuana the writers of this crap smoke before they take up their pencils. I say pencils, because, hell, how could people like that be smart enough to even turn on a computer? Where did you find this stuff? My grandson loves anything absurd, and would love to have access to it while he’s taking a break up in his tower crane, sometimes 750 feet in the air. It’s not like he has company on his break, right? So he finds stuff to laugh at while he pees in a bottle. Makes for hilarious moments at family dinners sometimes! Fun column, Huss!!

    • Thanks, PMartha … Contrary to unpopular belief, I did “find” these gems of idiocy anywhere but in my own fertile imagination … This last blog was completely Fake News from “moi.”

      Make sure your grandson signs up for my blog and it’ll be delivered to him automatically … plus, if he’s really bored, past blogs are posted and he can scroll thru them while he’s on his “peeing in a Pepsi bottle bathroom break!”

      Thanks for your support …

  2. Scary, Richard, that I now have your seriously absurd “alt-fact” images floating around in my head… the Obamas reliving the old South, future flying with no flight attendants, the cage fight featuring DJT and LJu and the serial killer dismemberment bags, All seriously absurd. Who needs facts when we have your imagination?

    • Thanks Lee for your support …

      My fave this time was the serial killer dismemberment bags … Costco does deliver quality with their private label goods … and JD Power does rate anything and everything, so why not put ’em together?

      Thanks for reading and until next week, may the gods of “Seriously Absurd” leave only happy thoughts for your head!

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