Does this surgery make my butt look …?

Quick … get Carl Hiaasen on the line!  Miami’s just uncovered the whackiest of whack jobs … a perfect candidate for his next novel.

No stranger to the medical field, Hiaasen’s dentists, doctors, nurses and quasi-medical quacks have starred in his zany Florida novels.

Many of these characters came straight from that treasure trove of Hiaasen’s local newspaper, The Miami Herald.  And it’s The Herald that’s unmasked another perfect character for him.

It’s all about Butt Crazed Miamians … searching for their own “perfect butt.”

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Butt or but … Hiaasen’s Miamians are not alone in the world of surgically enhanced butts.  It’s apparently quite the rage for women who want that special JLo, Beyonce or Kardashian got-my-own-zip-code-butt!

But, the problem doesn’t appear to be getting your butt done … but getting it done right!  I’m bettin’ these docs weren’t Harvard Medical School grads!

One Florida Butt-Doc, currently in the clink, allegedly purchased his “filler” from the Home Depot paint department.  Yep … silicone … the Silly Putty for painters and evidently this new breed of pretend cosmetic surgeons.

Do ya think it was the paintable silicone?  I bet the patient wondered why her complete butt-job-redo was only $79.95 … instead of $7950.00!

Making the news, another doc’s “Butt-Filler-Cocktale” was a mix of cement, mineral oil and Fix-A-Flat tire inflator and sealant.  Though arrested in Florida, this Butt-Doc performed her surgery in London … so I guess she technically used “tyre sealant!”

 

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In an effort to come to a better understanding of this phenomenon, “Seriously Absurd” took to the sidewalks and in an exhaustive search sought insight from women who looked like they could use a bit of a bigger butt … and from some who apparently had already enhanced their “rear asset!”

Well … bet you can guess how ill conceived that little venture was.  You don’t want to know the outcomes of these encounters.

Suffice it to say, I’m one very lucky Blogger-Dude and got back to my keyboard with all my digits intact … and I mean “all!”

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Looking for a safer alternative, I turned to Dr. Google and entered “legitimate butt enhancers.”  Holy S**t … 269,000 responses with Amazon right near the top!

For $37.97, you’ve got your new-butt-in-a-bottle … Major Curves Butt Enhancement … with 2,373 positive reviews … and it’s Prime!

And … guess what guys?  The reviews are loaded with big-butted-photos proving the quality of the product.

It’s “A Day Trip for Voyeurs” … all in the name of solid research.

Just sayin’ …

6 thoughts on “Does this surgery make my butt look …?

  1. No ifs, ands or butts about it, Richard: You may have just have backed into a new and lucrative side job!
    (Hey! It worked for “Sir Mix-A-Lot” and his “Baby Got Back” rap…it worked for Alexander Hamilton – now of Broadway fame – when he said, “the masses are asses.”)
    So why wouldn’t it work for a humble blogger-turned Aesthetician? Or is that Ass-te-tician? No matter. Hang that shingle and start building a broader base of revenue!

    • Hey TL … I’m sure glad you fathomed the absurdity of this serious craze taking over the asses of the women in America.

      In fact, some problem asses have taken on a proportion that would challenge Einstein, the bagel baker not the scientist, to come up with yet another quantum physics equation to calculate the mass of the ass that has under gone this operation.

      Now, when I’m called “a big ass,” I just throw on my most benign smile and say to myself … “You ain’t seen nuttin’!”

      Thanks for reading … and “getting it!”

    • Hey Alice … thanks for readin’ … Yep, Tom is the “Smack Down Champ” for this go round. Thanks for checking in.

  2. hahaha! AND IT’S PRIME!
    this post was a charming segue–from writing about the ass in the White House to the butts on the street. hilarious.
    it seems to me that anyone who is spending thousands–or even $79.99 really–on enhancing her butt has some serious priority problems. she might even want to spend that money in therapy, to discover why she really wants to cut and paste her derriere. there’s probably a story there!
    keep up the essential research richard. seriously…well you know.
    jeanne

    • Hi Jeanne … Thanks for reading …

      Photos of the White House Ass I’ve seen while he’s playing golf reveal that he’s under gone massive injections of KFC, burnt Trump Steaks, MickeyD burgers, and many many extra scoops of ice cream! No Lowes or Home depot silicone for that lard ass!

      At the bigly and yuuge economic conference in Sicily, they had to haul Trump’s big butt up the hill in a golf cart for an afternoon photo opp … all the other heads of state walked up … But our “Big Butt of State” had to be motored up the hill. Score one for the US of A!

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