Bored Bezos Goes on Shopping Spree!

Jeff Bezos, Amazon’s CEO and 3rd wealthiest global capitalist openly admitted that playing Trump-attack-dog with his newspaper toy, the Washington Post, has finally lost its allure and now he’s bored out of his gourd.

According to Bezos, Trump’s nothing but dumbed-down, low hanging rotten fruit for low brows.

“I want to play in a bigger well stocked to-hell-with-the-cost market.”

That’s why, in a surprise move, he’s agreed to pay a fire sale price of only 13.7 billion dollars – CASH! – for Whole Foods … that bastion of over priced, over packaged, over hyped food, beverage and beauty care products for the non-price conscious.

Bezos, an investor junkie, hopes he can mainline excitement via his Whole Foods acquisition.

To Bezos, Trump – who now spends all his time claiming he’s not being investigated but still wants to fire the investigator, is nothing but Fake Tiffany gold!

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The purchase of the incredibly snobby and boorish Whole Foods operation catapults Amazon’s food status to the Neiman Marcus level of retailing.

Bezos makes it clear … “I get goose bumps just thinking about our first Whole Foods Xmas catalog with a special centerfold … Whole Foods’ Surprise Once in a Lifetime Food Gift!”

Obviously offered with free shipping for Prime Members.

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Amazon shares immediately skyrocketed based on the Bezos-King-Midas-like decision … everything he touches turns to gold!

Future plans call for closing “all those architecturally tacky Whole Foods stores.”

The WF parking lots, all in “prime locations” – pun intended – will be the cornerstones of a country-wide Drone Port network for fresh and prepared food delivery … anywhere in the USA in less than 30 minutes.

“Expensive fast foods is an under developed market which we will dominate by 2019.  Our goal is to deposit elite office quality cuisine into every cubicle in America.

“Whether it’s Bangor, CA or Bangor, ME.”

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Imagine the impact on the psyches of all the droned-out workers in the US.

They slave all day on phones listening to raging customers … have to use kludgey outdated software on junkyard bound computers … and have no, zero, nada privacy.

But at lunch … they’ll be able to nosh on an Israeli sweet onion roll, slathered with Parisian hand whisked Dijonnaise, stuffed with wild Caspian Sea crispy flash fried oysters … delivered in minutes for only $17.99.

No delivery charge for Prime!

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Bezos also quickly corrected Fake News reports that Alexis misunderstood him when he asked her to buy him an enchilada from Whole Foods … but instead bought him – the whole enchilada!

Just sayin’ …

14 thoughts on “Bored Bezos Goes on Shopping Spree!

    • Hi Gail … Thanks for reading … All my years going to Farmers’ Markets … I never get tired of it and love knocking the dirt of the veggies I buy!

      In high school, I ran the produce department in a small independent grocery store … nights after school & athletics. None of the produce was packaged in the bins … everything fresh … rotated the produce and saved the “bad stuff” for a couple of “older ladies” who would come in and pay five cents a pound for the veggies (stews) and fruit (canning). Sure learned a lot.

  1. Ricky Ricardo: Let me attempt to assuage what seems to be a serious case of Bezos-itsis!
    First, you’ll need the drupe of the Cocos nucifera, (a coconut palm). Then you’ll need the fruit of the Citrus hystrix, (a lime tree).
    From there, it’s easy!
    You put the lime in the coconut and drink ’em both together. Put the lime in the coconut and you’ll feel better! Put the lime in the coconut and drink ‘em both up.
    And now, thanks to the deep pockets of little Jeffy Bezos, you can even arrange to have your next backyard barbecue carpet-bombed by coconuts and limes.
    WHAT COULD GO WRONG WITH THAT?

    • Hey TL … I can always count on a “slant of view” unlike anything I’ve ever encountered before from you. You haven’t let me down.

      Carpet bombing with coconuts and limes … somehow Dresden, Viet Nam and Trump’s “The Mother of All Bombs” seem pale with the vision of millions of pounds of coconuts and limes falling from the skies.

      Would we lead the the coconuts and then the limes? Reverse that? Maybe dropped in mixed batches!

      And, I love the beat to that song and give it an 85 on the next Bandstand Revue!

      Thanks for reading …

    • Hey Steve … Yeh, I like that … Trader Jeff’s! Think Trader Joe’s will let him get away with that? What do you get a guy like Bezos for Xmas? “Merry Xmas honey … I put a small island nation in your stocking this year!”

      Must be nice … or incredibly nerve wracking. Thanks for reading …

  2. I’m just glad to see Whole Foods gone. The snobbery and elitism of it just galls me, because I think that all groceries should offer fresh, wholesome food, and, guess what, people, most groceries do just that nowadays!
    Trader Joe’s on the other hand, which my daughter uses, sells things like my favorite Weetabix for $2.50 instead of the $469 at Publix (Yes! Same size, brand and weight, for you skeptics).

    • Hey PMartha … Thanks for reading.

      Publix is the biggest food retail ripoff artist! They’re higher priced than all of ’em. We make the drive to Winter Park weekly to go to Trader Joe’s … 30 minutes … but price and quality is worth it. Also now have an Aldi’s real close to us.

      It will be interesting to see Bezos’ impact on the WF systems and pricing.

  3. If you’re wondering what might happen to all those folks that work at Whole Foods, don’t fret. According to Trump, opportunities may be opening soon in the newly revived coal mining industry. Life is good.

    • Hey Vi … Crazier juxtapositions in life have been successful. A few months in a coal mine would sure make a difference in the lives of the “health at all costs WF workers!”

      Now … if we could just pack coal back into “the stockings all hung by the chimney with care …” we create a new market for the stuff … there’s hope on the horizon.

      If we had any retail stores left open, lumps of coal could be the next “Pet Rock!”

      Thanks for reading!

  4. Clever man,you are,don Ricardo.
    “Bezos-King-Midas-like decision”
    “products for the non-price conscious”
    Good stuff! Thanks

    • Thanks GL … I always feel good when someone pays attention to the language and the words! That’s what really makes writing fun … so many ways we can play with English!

      I’ll always be in debt to you … it was a friend of yours that I borrowed “Trumplethinskin” from! Thanks for all your support.

  5. Keep the outrage, honey– I’m feeding on it. So hyped and angry I insulted my cat today. Looking forward to the next absurd, yet accurate, volley. Thanks, as usual.

    • Uhoh, Jeanne … insulting your cat puts you on precarious ground. You need to step back from the news for two days and go buy yourself a Mad Magazine. It takes about two days to really read and absorb all the activities in Mad!

      Glad you see the absurd accuracy in my blog … I’ll keep the fire hot and oil boiling!

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

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