If I had it to do all over again … Dream Weddings

I dunno about you, but there are few things in my life I’d redo.

That doesn’t mean that I’ve been that good … it just means that my mistakes didn’t occur where there were lawyers or cops around.

But then I read in The Huffington Post that you can “dream your own wedding” and that caught my attention.

We’re not talking about the trite “Let’s get married in the park, back yard or vacant lot” kinda venue!  They’re all passé … mundane even.  Been there done that.

Let’s see … if I wanted to retie the matrimonial knot with my bride, what’s out there for me?


Now when you want to connect-the-dot with your bride, you can connect at “The Bell.”

For $600 they’ll plan your wedding … including Doritos Tacos Locos, Chalupas, cheesy Gordita Crunches, and a deluxe Cinnabon wedding cake!  Hmm, “Yummy in my Tummy!”

To paraphrase a recent Taco Bell bride and groom:

“…. We’ll be talking about our wedding long after your church wedding for a hundred grand is a dim memory!  Take that to the bank!”


Other fast food chains – here and abroad – are offering “wedding packages” for couples who want to get hitched, have some fun and keep their cash in their bank accounts.

McDonalds offers several matrimonial packages … but so far only in Hong Kong.

I you make that trip for your trip down Mickey D’s plastic-nuptial-aisle, just be sure the fries are hot … nothing ruins a wedding like greasy cold French Fries.  And you’ll enjoy a delicious 3-tier “Double Apple Pie Box Cake” for your wedding cake!

If you’re into pizza, check out D.C.’s &Pizza chain for their “Pi Day Las Vegas Chapel” wedding package.

For my non-nerd friends, that’s Pi Day as in 3.14 … as in 3/14 meaning March 14th … get it?

Don’t forget Pizza Hut … they’ll hold your Pre-wedding Engagement Party for a mere $10,010, which includes a red ruby ring … the extra ten buck’s for your personal Pizza Hut Dinner Box for two!

Go ahead … Pop the question at Pizza Hut and then hit “The Bell” to tie the knot!


If you’re really adventurous, there’s still one HoJo’s open in the USA … Lake George, New York.

Remember the fried Clams and 28 flavors of ice cream?  Check with the owners …  I bet they’d love to package a ceremony for you.

You could be among the last to get married under an “Orange Roof” that truly “Made America Great!”

Just sayin’ …

Privacy … the Last Bastion

‘There are times when I still appreciate the feel of paper.’

FLASH … Over 60% of people confess they use their cell phone while they’re on the toilet.  The other 40% are probably lying.

Your cell phone’s already more contaminated from bacteria and viruses than you want to know about … and, that’s before you go in!

The emotional and the anal toll of using your cell phone while in the bathroom … though not quantified … are real.


For many of us, the last bastion of privacy from the digital world is the bathroom.

It’s the place where you can “let it all go.”  You can “s**t or get off the pot.”  You can stink up the room and still think … “your s**t doesn’t stink.”

It’s the place where you can be alone and not feel guilty that you’re enjoying your “down time.”

Unless, of course, you’re clutching your demon-digital-device!


Only if you’re a contortionist who can open the bathroom door … and have prehensile toes so you can flush the toilet and manage the faucets while wearing protective socks … will you avoid mega-contamination of your cell phone while using it in the bathroom.

Your cell phone’s an extension of your hand.  Remember that as you play Angry Birds perched on your throne … everything you’ve touched gets transferred to your phone.

One in six phones examined is contaminated with E.coli bacteria and that’s before you’ve entered the Petri dish of fecal aerosol particles, viruses and pathogens called “the bathroom.”


The average time spent toileting has increased to 100+ minutes per week for men … women are in and out in a mere 80+ minutes per week.  As a result, there’s a new syndrome in town … I call it “Butt Drag Syndrome” … or BDS.

A big part of that time-on-task-increase is blamed on a load of multitasking while dumping.  You know … reading and grunting … gaming and farting … not to mention x-word puzzling and Iphoning.

God forbid we simply tend to our business.  31% of people have stayed on the toilet longer just to finish a social media task … while 44% have heard a toilet flush from the other end of a phone!

Consider the G-Force pull and tug to your cute butt thanks to gravitational pressure!

Gravity’s winnin’ every minute you’re not movin’ and groovin’!


So, to avoid worry over who’s done what and where in that stall … and a saggy-baggy-bottom … keep your already unclean phone in your pocket.  And BTW, when’s the last time you cleaned your damn phone?

Just sayin’ …

Paul Ryan’s War against Women Baring Arms

Well … we may not be able to get meaningful legislation passed in Congress, but at least we‘ll “look good” in Paul Ryan’s House of Representatives.

“Tall Paul,” who’s beginning to look more and more like that ridiculously un-cuddly Munster son, Eddie Wolfgang Munster, has taken the control of the House of Representatives a step further than many of his predecessors.

Just like middle school in his Roman Catholic Diocese, Saint Paul has decided to enforce an obscure, little known, and rarely used House dress code.


Cries of “foul play” immediately reverberated throughout the hallowed halls of Congress.

Women wearing sleeveless dresses and, God forbid, open toed shoes are now banned from the House.

The mockery and sexist symbolism of this rule became a media “cause de célèbre” since it was clearly aimed at female members of the press.


Totally unaware of the fact that he was a sexist pig, Munster-Ryan clung to the high moral ground touting that Congress was a place for “serious deliberation and work.”

And we all know what happens when the “Men of the House” are distracted by those Hot-Press-Tarts … sexy red toenails peeking out at them … as they’re asked the difficult and mind bending questions of the day.

Like … “Tell me, oh exalted Congressman, why would you want to eliminate health care for 20 million plus people … then give the money saved to the super wealthy as a tax cut … and subsequently force people into medical bankruptcy with your new, kinder, better health care bill?”


And, if you throw in an “erection-inducing-glistening-bare-female-shoulder” thrust right in front of these same men, God only knows what could happen on the floor of the House … or in the Cloak room … or bent over a Congressman’s desk.

We all know that bare toed shoes and sleeveless dresses are “sexual gateways” to deeper carnal urges.  Clearly it’s the work of the Devil Incarnate!

Bare shoulders?  What’ll those sex-crazed female reporters expose next … the news?


It could take months to get any meaningful legislation passed … unless you count repealing Obama Care over 50 times.

Meanwhile, our Senators are pissed because it’s clear they’re missing some kinda sex-show reserved only for House members!


As of July 13th, House Speaker Munster-Ryan has vowed to reconsider his Tantric position and indicated that the House needs to probe into dreadfully outdated House Dress Codes.

Thank you Mrs. Janna Ryan … some of us appreciate your informal but forceful input.  We’re sure hubby Paul, nee-Eddie Wolfgang, would not have moved that fast without your not-so-gentle nudge!

Just sayin’ …

Conspiracy: Follow the Bouncing Ball

Just when I thought the US owned all Fake News, I read … “China floods Eastern markets with plastic rice!”

Wow … glad rice isn’t my go-to-side dish or the base for my entrée.

This is a yuuge and bigly Asian-pseudo-scandal that periodically pops up.  And when it does, everyone goes bat s**t … or as the Chinese say, “Biān fú shǐ!”


Wait … don’t give me details!  I’ll bet it’s Lego … and they’ve found a new outlet for their plastic fantasy pieces.

While China’s busy serving up plastic that folks are eating, I’m wondering what I can build with my box of Uncle Ben’s Quick Brown Rice.


I dunno about you guys, but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out this is a pile of rice-s**t!

Even I know that if you empty a bag of plastic-looking-rice-kernels into a pot of boiling water … it’ll melt into a fricking blob.

After it’s boiled … rice is fluffy.  Plastic’s never fluffy … pre or post boiling.

And, I’ll bet cleaning that pot’s a real you-know-what … which begins with “B” and ends with “h!”

“Hey, Vana White … can I buy an ‘I’?  I think I know that word!”


So … how did all this “hullaba-rice” get started?

One apocryphal incident notes that disgruntled rice aficionados hurled a bad tasting tightly packed rice ball against a restaurant wall … a rice protest.

Instead of making a splat-on-the-wall-decoration, it bounced back.

From that event, the leap to “there must be plastic in the rice” was easy for conspiracy loving Chinese rice eaters.

That’s how a rice-ball-urban-legend got started.


But after a quick scan of Dr. Google’s 49,700,000 plastic rice offerings … you can shout out a hardy Chinese, “Tiān a,” which loosely translated means, “Holy Cow!”

Plastic rice’s a massive hoax that’s been raising its ugly kernel around Asia and the Far East since 2010.  This is not a funny frat-boy prank.

National heads of departments for food safety and agricultural controls have spent heavy sums on inspections trying to reassure the population that “their rice is not plastic!”

As for the bouncing rice ball, several Asian “rice-sperts” (their answer to Bill Nye, America’s Science Guy) pointed out that rice has adhesive and cohesive properties because of the high percentage of starch in it … 80%.

It’s easy to shape into a ball and when you chuck it, the ball bounces because of its volume expansion and air entrapment … that’s “science talk!”


So there you have it.

Fake News for the plastic.  But proof that a rice ball will bounce.

Now … I’m off to find my Uncle Ben’s … science marches on!

Just sayin’ …