Conspiracy: Follow the Bouncing Ball

Just when I thought the US owned all Fake News, I read … “China floods Eastern markets with plastic rice!”

Wow … glad rice isn’t my go-to-side dish or the base for my entrée.

This is a yuuge and bigly Asian-pseudo-scandal that periodically pops up.  And when it does, everyone goes bat s**t … or as the Chinese say, “Biān fú shǐ!”

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Wait … don’t give me details!  I’ll bet it’s Lego … and they’ve found a new outlet for their plastic fantasy pieces.

While China’s busy serving up plastic that folks are eating, I’m wondering what I can build with my box of Uncle Ben’s Quick Brown Rice.

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I dunno about you guys, but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out this is a pile of rice-s**t!

Even I know that if you empty a bag of plastic-looking-rice-kernels into a pot of boiling water … it’ll melt into a fricking blob.

After it’s boiled … rice is fluffy.  Plastic’s never fluffy … pre or post boiling.

And, I’ll bet cleaning that pot’s a real you-know-what … which begins with “B” and ends with “h!”

“Hey, Vana White … can I buy an ‘I’?  I think I know that word!”

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So … how did all this “hullaba-rice” get started?

One apocryphal incident notes that disgruntled rice aficionados hurled a bad tasting tightly packed rice ball against a restaurant wall … a rice protest.

Instead of making a splat-on-the-wall-decoration, it bounced back.

From that event, the leap to “there must be plastic in the rice” was easy for conspiracy loving Chinese rice eaters.

That’s how a rice-ball-urban-legend got started.

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But after a quick scan of Dr. Google’s 49,700,000 plastic rice offerings … you can shout out a hardy Chinese, “Tiān a,” which loosely translated means, “Holy Cow!”

Plastic rice’s a massive hoax that’s been raising its ugly kernel around Asia and the Far East since 2010.  This is not a funny frat-boy prank.

National heads of departments for food safety and agricultural controls have spent heavy sums on inspections trying to reassure the population that “their rice is not plastic!”

As for the bouncing rice ball, several Asian “rice-sperts” (their answer to Bill Nye, America’s Science Guy) pointed out that rice has adhesive and cohesive properties because of the high percentage of starch in it … 80%.

It’s easy to shape into a ball and when you chuck it, the ball bounces because of its volume expansion and air entrapment … that’s “science talk!”

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So there you have it.

Fake News for the plastic.  But proof that a rice ball will bounce.

Now … I’m off to find my Uncle Ben’s … science marches on!

Just sayin’ …

8 thoughts on “Conspiracy: Follow the Bouncing Ball

    • Hey … I thought hard about how to describe folks who chuck rice balls at walls … Being a member of the DRAs is kinda like being a gang member. The colors might be a tad tough … brown, yellow or white … but, now that I think about that, there’s a bit of ethnicity to that!

      Thanks for reading …

  1. What next? A fake gas shortage? Panic over the country allegedly running out of toilet paper ? Gosh. Who would believe that?

    • Hi Gail … Well, you’re not far from wrong with your panic! As for toilet paper, much has already been written about the incredible shrinking TP roll! Scott may still have 1000 sheets … but they’re about 2/3’s the size of the original!

      Now, if Sears still had a catlog … hmmm.

      Thanks for reading

  2. Puleeeeze, Ricky Ricardo! If ya wanna create some shock & awe with phake phood news, hit ‘em where it hurts!
    Put another way, rice is nice. But liquor is quicker!
    Go for the gusto – as the nice folks at Schlitz used to say – remembering that “Schlitz” also sounds like a word that could follow “bat” in your third paragraph.
    And while rice is ESSENTIAL in the making of America’s real FAVORITE FOOD GROUP, (at least one that comes in six-packs), the OTHER key ingredient in beer is water and If you live in Florida, that probably means semi-soluble checks of Lake Okeechobee with just a hint of green algae for added flavor.
    Holy Bat-Schlitz, Dude! Start spreadin’ the word that a new-to-the-U.S. Chinese-made Budweiser is coming and it contains no artificial colorings…just rice, barley and hops in water from the Yangtze and Yellow Rivers….and all the nice Chinese folks who who peed into them!

    • Hey TL … I was with you until we hit the Chinese yellow water added to the yellow water of the Yellow River and the Schlitz Beer … which I have not has since, hmmm, I was 22-23 yrs old!

      I’ll pass on any more bad beer puns and stick with sticky rice … Thanks for reading …

  3. This plastic rice faux news is seriously absurd and very funny, but thinking more deeply, have you ever eaten sticky rice? I had some several weeks ago and can still feel a lump that feels like a plastic ball in my tummy. Quien sabe de seguro, don Ricardo?

    • Hi GL … Thanks for reading … Personally, I’m always happy to see sticky rice in my rice bowl … makes me almost a chop stick pro when I try to eat it.

      Rice is good if you’re working 15 hours a day at manual labor and you can burn up the calories, starches … but for most of us, a thin layer around our Sushi once, maybe twice a month is about all we can handle anymore.

      God, I hate getting old!. Abrazos!

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