Take that, you turkey!

From Maine to Iowa, and Wisconsin to California, people are reporting vicious unprovoked attacks.  Their attackers lurk in front yards, bushes and trees.

No one’s safe!

After years of exploitation and holiday appearances on gluttonous festive fall tables, it appears that it’s “pay back time” for Americans.  Yes … it’s a matter of revenge and repayment.

After clawing their way back from near extinction to over 7 million strong, the wild turkey has come home to roost … and we’re in their roosting territory!

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Most recently it seems these wild and reckless gobblers are switching roles from the hunted to the hunters.  Just ask the denizens of Stamford, CT.

Connecticut Yuppies, Preppies, and filthy rich have been feeding the wild fowl and now they’re screaming, “Foul!” because turkeys don’t seem to give a “turkey scat” about their social status, cars, or Ivy League credentials.

The Turkeys want their land back and they want it now!  They’re enraged numbers are high enough to scare the whale blotched pants and Lily skirts off all those Preppies!

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Move over, Rover.  Chewing on the mail man’s no longer your sole domain.

Turkeys have usurped your favorite targets … US Postal Carriers.

“Turkey-sperts” – my name for self-appointed Turkey Behavioral Experts – explain that the regularity of postal schedules allows these bird brains to establish a behavioral pattern.

Now, they hide in waiting for their shot at new game … “Postal Hunt-n-Peck!”

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These same “avian-nists” warn people … “When you’re under attack, do not turn and run.  This just makes the turkey ‘bolder.’”

Bolder?  WTF?  How frickin’ bold can a turkey be?

We’re talkin’ big fat feathery birds that gobble better than they can fly.  We’re not talkin’ Grizzly Bears or Bengal Tigers!  It’s 12’ish pounds of feathers armed with a beak and a wattle.

C’mon man – stand your ground!

Stop … take aim … and drop kick that “Feathered Butterball” into your neighbor’s yard.

And speakin’ of “taking aim,” if unlike most gun owners you can hit the bird and not your own toe or nether regions … “turkey trot” to your mailbox locked and loaded and with a single shot, blow your potential Thanksgiving dinner into the street!

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Given all this turkey uproar, I wonder if “L’orange 45” will continue the November tradition of Presidential pardons.

Probably … past turkeys pardoned have been American bred … and white!

That would give him three free white birds since he’s already pardoned his first “turkey” – ex-sheriff Joe Arpaio!

Just sayin’ …

10 thoughts on “Take that, you turkey!

  1. MOST EXCELLENT REPORTING, RICHARD!
    (Fearing “fear itself” is s-o-o-o-o passé!)
    Clearly it’s time to channel our inner terrors on the foulest of the fowl now that the zombie turkey apocalypse is upon us.
    Arm yourselves, Americans! Don’t even think of leaving home without a double-barreled baster and a can of cranberries. And if you want to “Make America Grape Again,” a nice bottle of Pinot Noir or Sauvignon Blanc might come in handy as well.
    Nine out of 10 ornithologists agree. Turkeys favor “mature” areas with an ample supply of “nuts” – the very definition of Florida – so make like a Boy Scout (or a bird from Butterball) and “be prepared.” And, bon appétit!

    • Hi, TL … Funny you should mention turkeys and Flori-duh. I’ve seen more turkeys down here than anywhere else I’ve been … with and without feathers!

      Given you’re such a classy dude, am I right to assume that your canned cranberries are Ocean Spray larded with whole berries and not the jellied crap that store brands pawn off on us? Go for the gusto, my man!

      Thanks for reading … and stay outta Irma’s path … or if you can’t avoid her, get naked and run around yelling “Save me … save me! so I can spot you on the Weather Channel.

  2. I was LOL and greatly enjoying this light and clever piece, Don Ricardo, until you couldn’t help yourself and dragged in that turkey a l’orange and his first turkey pardon. I call “foul” on you, but I loved reading this one, as always!

    • Hey, GL … A great big “Mea Culpa” on that one. I had another ending all set and “L’Orange” just took over my hunt and pound fingers and there he was. I actually paused and thought about you when he appeared on the page, but it was too good to pass up especially right after Joe “The Turkey” Arpaio.

      This week, 45’s too busy trying to get some of those charities to re-book Mar-a-Lago to make an appearance for me … I think! (Hee, hee, hee)

    • Hi Gail … thanks for reading. When the turkeys faced extinction, they were victims of “being hunted for food.” I guess in the late 1800’s and early 1900’s we ate turkey a lot more than T’giving and Xmas.

      Personally I would rather eat almost anything other than turkey … and I’ve cooked ’em just about anyway you can prepare ’em. For me, T’giving’s all about the sides & pies … Gobble, gobble until next week!

    • Hilarious “Turkey Attacks”, Joy … I watched several of those as part of my “research.” What a hoot.

      Thanks for reading and for the link … A lot of this stuff I don’t even have to make up … like Hiaasen, all you have to do is read the news … and with L’Orange 45, that’s a full time job.

      We lived in CT over 20 years and fed our squirrels daily … if we didn’t put our food, they’ed come to the back door, a French Door, and scratch on the lower panes of glass until we came out with food. Angry little fellers!

    • Thanks for reading, Deb … and thanks for the compliment … I kinda liked “L’Orange 45” though I’ve notice his hair and skin are a much more “natural un-natural look” nowadays. Remember when we complained about John Edwards’ $400 haircuts … Times have sure changed …

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