Crap … it’s Thanksgiving … again!

You would think that I’d finally get a handle on celebrating Thanksgiving.  Afterall, I’ve eaten turkey at the big table for almost ¾ century.

And another one’s right around the calendarial corner.

Maybe I’m overly cynical … but don’t cast your vote until after you’ve read my Thanksgiving “reality exposé.”

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For many folks it’s all about the happiness of “over the river and through the woods to ___________’s (fill in the relative) house we go.”

But for a lot of us, the thought of spending a long weekend with family relations results in colossal hives.

Hey … what’s wrong with a high-tech Turkey Day visit via Skype?  You can see each other and either party can hang-up to enjoy the rest of the evening.

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If you can’t wait to see your relatives and join in that great big familial hug fest, that’s great.

But even better would be if they lived within a 15 minute drive of your home … AND, you’re not hosting or housing the event.

And because you can’t cook worth a damn you thought the pumpkin pie from the local supper market would be just fine … until your snarky sister-in-law unveiled three pies made from the pumpkins she harvested from her own organic garden.

This is the same sister-in-law who last year announced at the dinner table that she was a Vegan and “couldn’t possibly touch anything that smelled of the sea, sported feathers, or stood on four legs.”

The look on your mom’s face … that was worth the trip!

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I haven’t even mentioned that your father now hates the NFL because the players kneel during the national anthem … and as a protest he’s declared Thanksgiving to be “Football Free!”

That should put your Fantasy Football Fanatic hubby in a great mood.

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Did you tell your son, who’s headed to the local community college after he graduates from high school, that his cousin’s been accepted at Harvard next year?

I know … silently you hope the little turd’s prepubescent balls freeze off in his first Cambridge winter.

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Aaah … Thanksgiving … we really do have so much to be thankful for … I’m just not sure it’s best celebrated with all the family.

Unless you can dash into the den and pour another 100 proof Wild Turkey … that’s a big bird you can love!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Just sayin’ …

I don’t care … It’s still an effing squash!

My attitude about pumpkins is less than positive.

I don’t care how you dress it up a pumpkin is still nothing more than an overgrown squash.  And true to the sound of its name … a squash is a squash … and a pumpkin is a squash.

How can you create inviting food items based on … squash?

Especially when it’s a big, orange, bumpy, wrinkly, totally bland, goiter-looking squash.

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According to Trader Joe’s, and every other food outlet in the US, you make a “pumpkin spice” concoction.

Then you foist it onto consumers as if there’s no end to how they can combine it with anything edible.

Pumpkin muffins with nuts and dried fruit … if served warm and slathered with butter … that’s pumpkin pie without the crust … that’s a big “Okay.”

Cereals?  An entire aisle full … all with a pumpkin spice line.  If Big Cereal can extrude it, they’ll bake it, sugar it, and sell it.

Trader Joe’s Pumpkin O’s, Kelloggs’ Mini-Wheats & Special K, Quaker’s Life.

If you’re a health-nut holdout, just open a pouch of Quaker Pumpkin Spice Instant Oatmeal and lock your bowels with a spoonful of that s**t!

No wonder the old Quaker on the box has a twinkle in his eyes!

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Cocktails?  Surely the Pumpkin Spice Lords won’t invade the Sacred Land of Spirits … our Fall Happy Hour libations.

Aaargh … that’s for the yucch brown Pumpkin Spice Martini … a drink that resembles overflow from my sewer line after a major hurricane.

And for the garnish?  I’m not thinkin’ olives here!

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Push that pumpkin spiced food to the side of the road.

How about a big shout-out for pumpkin spice soap-on-a-rope?  The perfect gift for that guy headed to prison this fall who fears dropping his soap in the shower!

Candles?  Yep … your entire effing house can smell like the pumpkin pie you charcoaled in the oven yesterday!

Driving to grandma’s house? Get one of those cute little hangy-down-car-deodorizer-thingies … and enjoy pumpkin spice wafting from your rear view mirror!

“Hey honey … come check my pits!  I just got my Pumpkin Spice Latte deodorant!”  Scrump-dili-cious!

And finally … in spite of SNL and Kate Mckinnon’s best efforts, there really isn’t an Autumn’s Eve Pumpkin Spice Douche … but, there probably will be for the 2018 fall season.

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Oh, boy … I can’t wait for Thanksgiving … turkey, cranberries and forced-family-get-togethers … all the things I love!

Just sayin’ …

“Lookin’ for loofah’s in all the wrong places …”

 

Don’t know about you, but I thought I’d heard just about everything there was to hear about those wild and crazy Florida transplants living in The Villages, the largest 55+ community in the US.

Now I gotta admit I’m gobsmacked by the latest info leakin’ from this quasi-Disney-esque enchanted world for seniors.

We’re talking sex-athons in The Villages … that are initiated by loofahs hanging from the aerials of a lot of tricked-out golf carts … the primary means of Villagers’ transportation.

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Loofah’s have replaced the pile of hotel room keys or car keys used for hookups … so “Yesterday!”

Your “loofahed” golf cart is your personal and very public signature that you’re ready, willing and able to have sex … apparently just about any time, any place, with anybody.

What could be more public than racing through The Villages’ streets with your loofah making like that old “fox tail” riding the wind in your 1957 fire engine red Ford T-Bird?

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Living up to it’s reputation as one of the highest, if not THE highest rate of STD’s in the country – that’s right, country not county – The Village People seem to be amped up trying to makeup for a lost youth spent working, raising kids, mowing lawns, and in general having absolutely no fun.

That is until now!

Reports of golf cart sex … most don’t even have a back seat … bring to mind body positions that’re possible only if your creaky bones have been loosened and your muscles honed by months of Yoga, Pilates, Jazzercize and Zumba … all of which are conveniently offered right there in The Villages … along with a not-so-hidden-underground black market for Viagra.

There are a lotta Boomers in The Villages … and they’re determined to carry that Boomer Banner of carrying sexual records to their graves.

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Fueled by daily 11AM-to-Closing Happy Hours, everyday at The Villages replicates the halcyon days of Florida-Georgia football craziness in the old Jacksonville Gator Bowl.

But that was just one weekend each year.  In The Villages, it’s the weekend all day every day!

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So if you’re “tired of lookin’ for love in all the wrong places” and simply want to look for a hot, sexy loofah in the right places … why not give it a shot?

More than 150,000 people live in The Villages … and they can’t all be wrong … can they?

Just sayin’ …