Surprises in the Middle Seat

Just in case you’ve been locked in a closet for a decade or so, let me “jet” you to the seriously absurd consequences of a seemingly benign federal law which allows air travelers to be accompanied by their “BFF Emotional Support Animals” … think cuddly puppy or fluffy kitty.

But the law’s exploded in the laps of travelers making confinement and … “Honey I shrunk the seats” … just the beginning of a travel “cat-ass-trophe.”

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And, guess what?  For a fee … there’s an entire industry that’ll “certify” anything that’s not a plant as your “ESA.”

These greed-mongers created a system that literally has turned “Fly the Friendly Skies” into a high altitude version of the San Diego Zoo … sans cages!

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There was a time when we all had hopes of meeting a “special someone” in the middle seat.  Now, we’re happy if it’s not an 8’ python, 45 pounds of pot-belly pig, or a mini-pony!

Keep it in a carrier in your lap … or in the seat … that’s okay!  But most of these near-psychotic travelers want their ESA to “experience the flight” cage free!

Oh, Flight Attendant, may I switch to the middle-seat, last row by the toilet?

Puh-leese!

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If I’m flying JetBlue I’d be afraid to munch on my free chips or cookies … especially if there’s a frickin’ Capuchin monkey masturbating at me from the middle seat.

I’ve read that there are folks who have ES turtles … they’re okay.

I’d have a tough time with someone’s ES cockroaches … or wharf rats … the big ones with Manhattan addresses.

Apparently there’s one frequent traveler with a large male duck whose photo pops-up online.  The duck wears a diaper and waddles in the center aisle.  Some folks seem to think he’s “kinda cute.”

Me?  I’ll keep my feelings to myself lest someone sic PETA on me.

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I do think we’re missing an important issue here … that’s the emotional trauma for the animal.

Going through security … do they have to sit in the tub and pass through the machine with your electronics?  Someone could shove a pipe bomb down their duck’s gullet.

How long does it take a turtle to waddle through the upright scanner?

How much radiation can our ESA take?

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Where’s PETA when we need them?  They should be camped at the security lines.

I just read about a young traveler who was denied boarding with her ES hamster … you don’t want to know the decision she made.

PETA could have “rescued” it … that’s all I’ll tell you!

Just sayin’ …

9 thoughts on “Surprises in the Middle Seat

  1. Okay, it took me a while to pull myself up from the floor where I’d been rolling around in a pool of laughter-induced drool after reading this one, Richard….but I’m fine now that I have my emotional support Bloody Mary in hand!
    Of course, once I started sipping said beverage, I realized I’d misread “surprises from the middle seat” as “surprises from the middle east” which triggered an epiphany!
    Some PETA bread and hummus would go really well with my spicy tomato juice and vodka concoction.
    Still, there’s only one fly (emotional support or otherwise) in the ointment you laid out here.
    9 out of 10 terrorists agree: pipe bombs are rarely shoved DOWN a duck’s gullet. Rather, they tend to be showed UP an entirely different duck orifice.
    Still, this one “quacked” me up!

    • Quack, quack, TL … I chose the gullet because of my love of foie gras as opposed to duck shit! Glad you found the humor in this post … I find that lightly toasting my pita makes it better with my hummus … I’m sorry you ruin your perfectly good vodka with tomato juice!

      Thanks for reading and for your support …

  2. Does it seem to you that reality is getting more and more seriously absurd? Is it difficult for you to come up with things that are fake seriously absurd? This piece is delightful, clever and engaging. Keep it up, don Ricardo!

    • Gracias, Chiquita … Given my blog title, I never have trouble finding material … in fact I have hundreds of topics waiting in my blog queue … timing is everything …

      Given the fast paced occurrences of our absurdities, I find that a daily blog would be the only way I could keep up … but then it would be like “work” and what fun is that?

      Thanks for all your support … Abrazos

  3. WARNING: Do not read this while sipping a freshly concocted kale smoothie unless you want part of it up your nose!! It was the mention of the Capuchin monkey that did it. I am still traumatized from seeing one of those little bastards at the Audubon Park Zoo when I was eight years old. My daddy had to literally carry me out of there in his arms! Yeah, I know, there are many different psychoses, but, believe me, one of these frickin’ BFF beasts in the seat next to me will definitely call upon my greatest acting talents!!! Crazy? They ain’t seen crazy yet!!!

    • Hey PMartha … no worries … a freshly concocted kale smoothie is not in my repertoire … even with vodka!

      Sorry I brought back bad memories of Capuchins and their sexual desires … bur, very glad I made you laugh.

      Thanks for all your support …

  4. Love this one. Bob and I flew to Chicago Ohare last week. We always try to get the bulk head on small commuter airlines. Across from us was a woman flying all the way to Hawaii with her large, but fortunately, well behaved pit bull. His name was diesel. Fortunately, again,she and the dog had a dog lover sitting next to her. It was an interesting experience and I hope she made it all the way to Hawaii with no issues.

    • Hey, Liboo … thanks for reading and for commenting. Did she buy a seat for her pit bull? I think the only way you should be allowed to bring your ESA in the cabin is to pay for a seat …

      The guy who flew with his ESA mini-pony had a bulkhead seat and it stood in front of him … fine until it dumped … I guess it was nervous at take off!

      Glad you enjoyed my blog … appreciate your support …

      • I do not think she bought a seat. He either laid down on the floor in front of both seats or sat down in front of her. I was afraid to ask her how she managed to get that dog to fly with her. I do not think she paid for,him to fly. She mentioned that if she had crated him and had him flown to Hawaii, it would have cost over a thousand dollars and he would have to be quarantined? So guess she found someone to certify him As a companion dog.

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