Hey, Betsy DeVos … “You Ma’am, Are No Betsy Ross”

“Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!”

Prez 45’s created an opportunity for Betsy DeVos to shine … as his own “Special Woman of History” … vying to replace Betsy Ross.

BDV’s been given her own Klieg lighted stage … a national commission charged with making our schools safe.

And, her “Safe School Fight Song” undoubtedly will be that well known WWII chant!


Just in case you’ve forgotten … BDV’s the one who thought it was a stellar idea to arm teachers out West.

“Aha,” you ask … “Is that the hotbed of school shooter incidents?”

Nope … it’s where teachers allegedly cower in fear of grizzly bear attacks.

Yep … our current “Secretary of Dismantleing Education” proposed arming those quaking teachers so they could pop a few caps into an enraged, mouth foaming, bear claw shredding, 10’ grizzly, marauding through school hallways … without a hall pass.

In spite of that “grizzly” flash of brilliance … and his earlier statements that all commissions are nothing but “talk-talk-talk”… 45 has empowered BDV to head his newest Federal Commission.


With ears to the wall and balls-out determination, the crack Seriously Absurd staff garnered inside information on some of the Commission’s topics.

Arming teachers and staff isn’t enough …

Under the military tactical tutelage of Blackwater, her brother’s security firm, BDV proposes the training and arming of high school seniors.

The NRA … supporting any way to increase gun sales … promises to exhume Charlton Heston and his “cold, dead hands” to schedule personal appearances at participating school rallies.

Stronger support for Homeland Security’s “See something – Do something” slogan …

The Commission plans an AP college credit course for spotting and turning in illegal aliens.

Students would receive extra credit when the illegal alien is deported and his family devastated.  BDV has already insured acceptance of this AP course credit at all Evangelical Christian Colleges.

More “real life business experience” for students …

Walk-outs, demonstrations, and picnic trips to state capitols aren’t the best ways to prepare for the future.

Instead, every public school student will be required to enroll in a special 4-year “Amway Pyramid-Scheme-Course.”

BDV says it’s the only way to teach students her family axiom: You only make money if you get to the top!

She vows that this will harden high school students to the competition so they understand that lying and deception are the tools necessary to … “Make America Great Again!”


It was reported that when asked if these were the best ways to improve school safety, BDV replied, “You sound just like that whiney-gunless-wonder-flag-sewing-b***h, Betsy Ross!”

Just sayin’ …

It’s not a Bear Market in Bear Land!

Teddy Roosevelt’s spinning in his grave.

The Vermont Teddy Bear Company’s feeling the pressure.

The world renowned Steiff Company in Germany is in daily meetings … all preparing for the worst.  And folks … it’s coming … Bear-mageddon!

There’s a war in the “Bear House” and it’s upsetting the delicate Teddy Bear world balance.

This is bigger than any “trumped-up trade war” … more precarious than the North Korean, Iranian and Russian threats combined … thicker and taller than any damn wall!

We’re in the midst of “Trumpy Bear Wars!”


Yes … The Trumpy Bear is here … and can be yours for two EZ installments of $19.95 … plus handling & shipping.

No … it’s not a blow-up “sex-bear-doll.”

And no … it doesn’t have a pull string to produce a growling … “Oh Baby, that’s it, that’s it!” or “Don’t stop now!”

It’s a plump plush brown bear complete with “Trump Hair” … which you can “style” yourself!

Itty-bitty bear hands dangle from a mock French cuffed dress shirt … and the trademarked “Made in China” bright red tie hangs below Trumpy Bear’s belt buckle.

It’s marketed by a company in Texas … where the bear is manufactured is a company secret.  Let’s take a wild-assed guess … China?  Maybe Russia? Certainly not the USA!


One buyer decapitated his Trumpy Bear only to discover that just like the real Trump … there’s microfiber filler between its ears.

What did you expect?  An effing Mensa sized brain?


Find the hidden zipper … no it’s not where you think it is … and you’ll discover a unique Trumpy Bear feature.

Gently probe deep inside and you’ll pull out … no not that thing … a full-body-wrap-American-flag … perfect for those cold lonely evenings you’ll spend watching the video-loop of Trump doing his final “perp-walk” down the White House steps on his way to Marine One … very Nixon-esque!


Trumpkins are falling all over themselves buying the Trumpy Bear.

They’ve already been spotted on golf carts cruising our nation’s courses … hoisted on poles in front of homes … facing into the wind as Harleys roar down the highway … and yes, sent to our brave GIs fighting in all the places we don’t know about … yet.

Personally … I think its “fab-tastic” that Trumpkins are spending their generous tax returns on Trumpy Bears … as opposed to AR15s.

I just hope that it’s an adult toy … and parents aren’t giving them to their babies!  That would be cruel and …. “unbearable punishment.”

Just sayin’ …

Extreme Curling

If you think I’m talking about hair styles and gel art … think again oh, icicle licking one!

With a gold medal performance by the Americans at the Pyeongchang Winter Olympics, curling has taken over the US of A faster than a Trumpian Tweetfest.

And in our own typical yuuge and biggly fashion … we’ve taken to this extreme like only Seriously Absurd can … to “Make Curling Great Again.”

Think pizzazz … glamour … glitter … bodies colliding … crowds roaring … and yes, it’s a whole new sexy high fashion scene for the new ECCA (Extreme Curling Clubs of America) … get in on the ground floor … franchise information available on request.


The ECCA has inked a multi-million dollar contract with Jeff Beezos to bring live curling into every American living room … den, garage, family room, kitchen, breakfast nook, and bathroom.

If you’ve got a video device, you’ll be watching the blood-and-guts action of Extreme Curling … brought to you by Amazon Prime and Whole Foods.

Over a two-year span, Beezos promises a Curling Court in the parking lot of every Whole Foods.  He’s definitely got the room since no one’s shopping there anymore!

Plus, how much runway does a delivery drone need?


Throw away those tacky little sissy brooms.  We’re introducing Commando-Brooms … brooms that whisk so damn fast you can’t see the bristles.

No more chunky Swedes, Danes or Norwegians on ECCA ice.  Extreme Curling demands the body of Adonis … guys … or the body of Athena … gals.

It also demands the brains of Einstein … without the hair!  We’re talking physics with physiques!

This is glamour-sex-dripping curling … costuming by Vera Wang, Gucci, Donna Karan for the She-males and Calvin Klein, Marc Jacobs, Versace for the He-males.  Think skin!


ECCA promises to make the WWE look like Romper Room.

The new curling courses are pitfalls of body slams, choke holds, pile drivers … blood-on-the-ice action with every push of the stone.

Big Pharma’s leading the charge when you compete in the ECCA.  No more whining about drug disqualifications  … steroids and PEDs are what’s for breakfast … and lunch … and dinner!


And to jack up the excitement, ECCA stones are designed by a select munitions committee from Lockheed Martin, Raytheon, Boeing, and Leggo.

Exploding stones … fire bomb stones … napalm stones add “boom-boom” to the ice.

ECCA bi-laws, however, forbid “dirty bomb” stones, mustard or chlorine gas stones, and cluster bomb stones.  Collateral damage wrecks audience participation!


So all you curling wannabes … get your butts off the couch.  Embrace the sex and mayhem added to curling … and head to the ECCA closest to you!

Just sayin’ …