“This just in …”

Now that ‘45 has scuttled the North Korea summit, we at Seriously Absurd international headquarters wonder about the following:

Will the Nobel Peace Prize score card remain at … Trump zero, nada, zilch, a big empty bag of windy threats … Obama one?

Word in DC is that Kim canceled the meeting several days ago … ‘45’s “Dear Kim Letter” is a feeble attempt to save his wrinkly, orange, face-lift-face!

Will Trump Enterprises put the commemorative “non-summit” coin on EBay as a   “yuuge” and “biggly” deal?  A tasteless grand display in the lobby of the Trump International D.C. would work, too.

‘45 claims that any war in Korea … which is now inevitable … will be paid for by Japan and South Korea … they’ll be billed as soon as he collects from Mexico.

Michael Avenatti displayed a new commemorative profile coin of Trump & Stormy!  According to Avenatti, “Finally, the Orange Blob in the White House had a good idea!”

‘45 demands new Nobel category … “Tweet Lit!”  Calls for his immediate nomination … and, to close further names for consideration.

Eric and Junior already in talks with Kim for new Trump Towers in Pyongyang.  For Trump Deplorables … that’s the capital of North Korea.

Did Trump confuse Kim Jong-un with that “other Kim” … Kim Kardashian?

Trump books golf foursome for June 12th in case Kim wants to reschedule … he’s already booked!

What do we do with the 18 dumbest members of the House who nominated our “Grand Diplomat” to the Nobel committee … who now stand with Nobel Egg all over their collective faces?

Where’s Dennis Rodman, the true “Kim Whisperer,” when we need him?  Maybe Rodman should’ve penned that “Dear Kim Letter” … it would’ve been more coherent!

Word in from Norway … there’s a popup street party tonight … wild celebration led by the “Nobel Peacers!”  Trump to be burned … unfortunately in effigy.

Without a summit meeting, ‘45 has plenty of time, between golf outings, to meet with Special Counsel, Robert Mueller.  Rudy’s ecstatic … eyes bulging and crossing more than ever as he paces and chants, “He’ll sit … He’ll sit … Praise the Lord, he’ll sit!”

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But wait … Breaking News from the Looney Tunes North Korean leader!

The Trump-Kim Mega Nuclear love fest may be … could be … sorta possibly be on again.  Who knows?

Could the “No Nukes-Yes Nukes” reality show be renewed?

Stay tuned and expect a “You’re Fired!” from either side in the season finale … and hope it doesn’t involve nuclear missiles.

Just sayin’ …

Message for Paul Ryan … “Don’t tug on Superman’s cape!”

I sure am glad GOP Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan’s slinking off to the hills of Wisconsin at the end of his term.  I just wish it were sooner.

In the meantime … here’s a bit of advice, Paul.

As you leave DC before the door hit’s you in the ass … “Don’t Mess Around with Jim” … as it says in Jim Croce’s hit song:

“ …. You don’t tug on Superman’s cape
You don’t spit into the wind
You don’t pull the mask off that old lone ranger
And you don’t mess around with Jim ….”

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The House Chaplain’s name is Father Patrick Conroy … not Jim

But for Ryan and the rest of the GOP, it’s the lyrics that contain the message … not the name.

Unless you really know what you’re doin’, you don’t screw with Jesuits … and you sure don’t mess with God.

But that’s apparently what happened when Saint Paul sent his emissary over to “fire” the House Chaplain.

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Way to go Paul … I guess you were auditioning for a spot on “45’s” sayonara episode of “White House Reality” by saying “You’re Fired” anyway but in-person.

Technically, Gutless Paul didn’t actually fire the Chaplain … he just asked him to resign based on some cockamamie accusations by the Evangelical Right Wing Tribalists in the House.

The move by Ryan … just months before the end of the Chaplain’s term … created open warfare between the Catholics and the Evangelical Protestants in the House.

We’re lucky that Martin Luther didn’t commit a “Walking Dead” cameo and hammer his “95 Theses” on the House Chamber doors!  You might recall that some folks think that was the beginning of the Protestant Reformation.

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But … instead of retiring quietly into the night, the Reverend-Father-High-Holiness Conroy sought advice … which led him to quickly withdraw his letter of forced resignation.

As if we didn’t have enough problems to deal with!

Saint Paul, who earlier tripped over his own “you-know-what,” quickly surrendered and withdrew his request … which may have averted a Holy War!

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Who among us even knew the House had a Chaplain?

Who among us knew his only stated duty was to open each session of the House with a prayer?  BTW – that’s only 135 days a year!

Who among us knew his office staff and operating expense costs us almost $800,000 a year … of which $172,500 is his salary?

Who among us knew the cost to the US taxpayer is almost $1700 per prayer?

I want his job!

Just sayin’ …

Trump Receives long awaited “Take Home Exam”

Rudy Giuliani’s joined the “Prison-Orange-Is-The-New-Trump-Orange” … so we gotta keep Trump outta jail crack legal team.

As he prepares for a first date with “I-Don’t-Kiss-And-Tell” Bob Mueller … Rudy’s new organization, “InfoLeaks,” replaces WikiLeaks as the primary source to help formulate ‘45’s legal strategy.

True to Rudy’s role as “The Grand Leaker,” a study guide of possible questions for Trump’s exam date made it into the news this past week.

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Even receiving the questions in advance, Vegas odds on Trump’s success haven’t budged … 50-1 that ‘45 will not bother to prepare for this test … 100-1 that he’ll “Fake it” and fail miserably.

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Seriously Absurd’s go-to investigative team perused the complete list of proposed questions and quite frankly … we’re terribly disappointed.

So, it’s time to step up to the swamp trough and present our own questions …   questions we’re all dying to have answered.

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President Trump …

Free Association:  What in God’s name makes you think you’re going to escape this mess and remain the President of the United States?  We’re just curious …

Twitter Spelling Bee:  What is the difference between “a Special Council and a Special Counsel” … “Roll and role” … “Coverage and covfefe” …  “Unpresidented and unprecedented” … “Lightweight choker and leightweight chocker?”

Relationship with Vlad:  Can you reveal when and where you and Vlad had sex with each other, and whether Attorney Michael Cohen drew up the NDA for Vlad?

Medical Records:  Is Admiral/Doctor Ronnie “Soon-to-be-Unemployable” Jackson eligible for payoffs for his efforts to expunge any references to STD’s or syphilis in your medical records stolen from Dr. Harold “I-am-not-a-Stoner” Bornstein’s office?

More Sex:  Is it true that in a 2017 Cabinet meeting, you asked Steve Bannon, as proclaimed by Anthony Scaramucci, to demonstrate how he could “perform unnatural sex acts on himself?”  Perhaps these photos provided by Stephen Miller might help.

Marital Relations:  Why does Melania slap your hand away when you reach for hers’ in public?

Middle East Multiple Choice:  How many days will it take for the US military to completely destroy Iran now that you’re sure they’ve violated the terrible, deplorable and useless Iran Treaty … (A) 6 days … (B) 0 days – they’ll surrender before the war starts … (C) Forever – Once started, it will never end … (D) All of the above which gives me total latitude to do as I please.

Attorneys:  How sorry are you that you did not hire Michael Avenatti before Stormy Daniels did?

Just sayin’ …