The Russian is coming … The Russian is coming!

Hooray for our current White House “Orange-Toddler-in-Residence.”

He’s unleashed yet another sex-politics-guns-threats, and “tricks-for-treats” sex-capade from the political slime swamp he calls his presidency.

Before the FBI’s through with this secret agent sex adventure, ‘45 may wish he had stuck with this not so simple Helsinki riddle …

“How much would, would a Would-Trump chuck, if a Would-Trump would chuck would … or wouldn’t?”

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A week ago Mariia Butina … a sexually trained Russian agent aka “The Red Sparrow”… was unknown.

Unless you’re in the FBI … a Republican operative … a congressman … ranking member of the NRA … spokesperson for the Evangelical Movement … a member of Trump’s campaign team … a conservative radio host, columnist, blogger … or anyone with information to trade for a scramble-in-the-sheets.

She was destined to be America’s next great sex obsession … picking-up after Stormy Daniels stormed the West Wing and our capitol’s inner-sanctum!

That was before the FBI dropped on her like a bloated sack of Rooski kaka … now Mariia and her cute “Butt-inski’s” locked up nice and tight.

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She’s a 4.0 Master’s Degree graduate … in “International Relations.”  You can’t make this s**t up!

According to her FBI indictment, her international relations included screwing her way into the Evangelical Movement and gaining invitations to not one, but two National Prayer Breakfasts … prime political connection platforms for wanna-be foreign agents.

She also repeatedly thrust herself on high ranking NRA officials claiming she was a “Russian Gun Right’s Activist.”  They must’ve been thinking with their “one-eyed-brains” … since they failed to comprehend there are no gun rights in Russia … unless you’re in the military or FSB.

She banged into her U.S. operation with “U.S. Person 1” … Paul Erickson, described in her indictment as a South Dakota “GOP political operative.”

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Maybe Erickson wasn’t the best choice for her planned takeover of the NRA and the Trump West Wing.

His political activism reads like a MAD Magazine article … including a stint as “media adviser” for the infamous John Wayne “Almost-Dickless” Bobbitt … another American household name.

Erickson’s kinda the laughing stock of South Dakota … where there’s allegedly more stock than humans.  Dakotans describe him as a taller and physically less appealing Leonardo DiCaprio … the scam artist in “Catch Me if You Can.”

Law suits piled up against Erickson read like a poor man’s list of Bernie Madoff ripped-off, pissed-off investors.

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Mariia may have a 4.0 GPA from George Washington University … she may have a degree in International Relations … but she sure doesn’t have it when it comes to choosing her male door openers into U.S. politics.

Just sayin’ …

Going Whole Hog

We’re at war!  And … Uncle Don needs you … yes you … and you … he needs all of us!

Hop on the patriotic band wagon … come to the defense of America’s pig farmers.

Grab your bright red MAGA hat and head to your supermarket … deli … hotdog stand … WaWa … rib joint … wherever pig meat’s sold!

Open up those wallets and dig deep.  We’ve gotta go “Whole Hog!”

We’re in a “Trade War” with arch trade enemy, China … “The Hog Wars of 2018!”

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Pass the bacon … the spare ribs … the ham … the chops and the loin.  I’ll do my patriotic duty … no bone spurs here.

I’m on the front lines … chomping down on those fatty morsels of artery cloggers!

But the Chinese have far more “refined tastes” when it comes to specialty pork products.

They buy all the parts of the damn hog that most of us wouldn’t touch if we were in terminal stages of starvation.

We don’t eat the “whole hog” … we eat “higher on the hog” … while it’s clear that the Chinese eat “lower on the hog!”

We do a “Reverse Michelle Obama” on ‘em. “We go high … they go low!”

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To make sure we eat our way through this war, our Fearless Leader along with Cabinet Commerce Secretary and nearly-dead-man, Wilbur Ross demand that all pet food outlets triple their orders for pig’s ears.

All redneck biker bars are commanded to increase the available space for pickled pig’s feet by 400% … look for bars jammed with jars of oinker knucklers!

Wilbur says, “To Hell with those froo-froo umbrella drinks!  Go red, white and blue!  Dump a knuckle in every brew!”

Erectile dysfunction docs have already tripled their prescriptions for dried boar penis jerky … reportedly the #1 source for increasing male testosterone!

Boar’s Head corporate headquarters stated that deli’s across America will be stocked with their latest line of deli meat … Pickled Pig Head Bologna … in five scrumptious flavors!

“Eat More Pig” rallies will be the heart of ‘45’s mid-term campaign stops across America.

It’ll be a sea of red caps … “MAGA – Eat the Whole Hog!”

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We all need to do our part with pig parts … we must go boldly where we’ve never gone before … “Pig Parts, the Final Frontier!”

This is war!

Just sayin’ …

Beauty … not what it seems

Blame it all on Phineas T. Barnum.  He held the first modern beauty pageant in 1854.

Though public outrage forced Barnum’s sideshow pageant to close down, beauty pageants have continued to pop up their vexatious little voyeuristic heads … providing profits for men.

And ample opportunities as outlets for male puerile behavior to ogle eye-candy and grope, fondle, handle, hug, and grab ‘em by the “whatevers” … all in the name of big bucks!

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There’s one thing that’s brought dramatic change to beauty pageants … and

it’s not the “Talent” portion of the show!

It’s modern surgery … which has blurred the lines of “the natural beauty” of the contestants.

“Barnum’s Babes” didn’t go in for body sculpting, nips and tucks, or plastic surgery … all of which are commonplace today.

Today’s contestants are “store-bought-bust-out-retail” models displaying their surgeons deft hand skills or advanced robotic skills … led by Venezuela which boasts more pageant winners than any other country … six Miss Universe titles, six Miss Internationals and six Miss Worlds.

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If it’s beauty pageant “role reversal” you want, take a hike to Niger … after the rainy season.

That’s when the men of the Saharan nomadic Wodaabe Tribe spend days parading in front of the tribal women vying to be among the “chosen.”

This is more than a beauty contest … this is annual preparation for “mate selection!”  And the women are the judges!

Women have all the power when it comes to sex in the Wodaabe tribe … talk about “performance anxiety!”

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Jump to the animal kingdom … specifically camels … surely one of the ugliest animals on earth.

In Saudi Arabia the annual King Abdulaziz Camel Festival commands huge financial prizes for the “Most Beautiful Camel” … and it’s rife with physical and surgical enhancements to the competing camels.

What?  People actually try to make a camel “better looking?”

Apparently the tilt of the beast’s ears, the size of its nose and poutiness of lips are primary factors in judging the “beauty-in-the-beast.”

Enter Botox and nip-and-tuck procedures … both of which are illegal in this pageant.  Is nothing sacred?

And now we have a scandal ridden camel beauty pageant … where 12 camels and owners were disqualified last year.

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My guess is trying to make a camel cute started with that cutesy provocative cartoonish ad featuring “Joe Camel” promoting Camel cigarettes.

That was one alluring camel!

But … just like PT Barnum’s Babes … “public outrage” also ended Joe Camel’s short reign of beauty … which makes me think that there are times when “s**t happens for a reason.”

Just sayin’ …