Going Whole Hog

We’re at war!  And … Uncle Don needs you … yes you … and you … he needs all of us!

Hop on the patriotic band wagon … come to the defense of America’s pig farmers.

Grab your bright red MAGA hat and head to your supermarket … deli … hotdog stand … WaWa … rib joint … wherever pig meat’s sold!

Open up those wallets and dig deep.  We’ve gotta go “Whole Hog!”

We’re in a “Trade War” with arch trade enemy, China … “The Hog Wars of 2018!”

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Pass the bacon … the spare ribs … the ham … the chops and the loin.  I’ll do my patriotic duty … no bone spurs here.

I’m on the front lines … chomping down on those fatty morsels of artery cloggers!

But the Chinese have far more “refined tastes” when it comes to specialty pork products.

They buy all the parts of the damn hog that most of us wouldn’t touch if we were in terminal stages of starvation.

We don’t eat the “whole hog” … we eat “higher on the hog” … while it’s clear that the Chinese eat “lower on the hog!”

We do a “Reverse Michelle Obama” on ‘em. “We go high … they go low!”

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To make sure we eat our way through this war, our Fearless Leader along with Cabinet Commerce Secretary and nearly-dead-man, Wilbur Ross demand that all pet food outlets triple their orders for pig’s ears.

All redneck biker bars are commanded to increase the available space for pickled pig’s feet by 400% … look for bars jammed with jars of oinker knucklers!

Wilbur says, “To Hell with those froo-froo umbrella drinks!  Go red, white and blue!  Dump a knuckle in every brew!”

Erectile dysfunction docs have already tripled their prescriptions for dried boar penis jerky … reportedly the #1 source for increasing male testosterone!

Boar’s Head corporate headquarters stated that deli’s across America will be stocked with their latest line of deli meat … Pickled Pig Head Bologna … in five scrumptious flavors!

“Eat More Pig” rallies will be the heart of ‘45’s mid-term campaign stops across America.

It’ll be a sea of red caps … “MAGA – Eat the Whole Hog!”

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We all need to do our part with pig parts … we must go boldly where we’ve never gone before … “Pig Parts, the Final Frontier!”

This is war!

Just sayin’ …

6 thoughts on “Going Whole Hog

    • Hey Jim … Thanks for commenting … I’m with you … I think we need to put “domestic tariffs” on kale and calve’s liver! Unless of course it’s those yummy deep fried kale chips that are probably as artery clogging as potato chips!

      Tofu has it’s place … mostly on someone else’s plate, but I’ve been known to let a piece or two slide down my throat!

      Leave Cilantro alone! It’s my got to substitute for boring parsley … sure it may taste a bit “soapy,” but at our age, who among us escaped having our mouth washed out with soap after uttering one of the forbidden words around Mom? Soap-schmope … buck up and go for cilantro!

      • You know, I actually did have my mouth washed out with soap by my overly-sensitive mother (oh she of blessed memory).

        • That’s just one more reason why you’re such a “clean livin’ guy” today … mine used the bar of Ivory … After I left home, Ivory products never went thru my front door!

  1. A porcine political plot! Perfect!
    It’s possible, I suppose, the actual potbellied pigs in the pens and plains of Packwood (Iowa) might choose self-preservation over patriotism and try to prevent – or at least put on permanent pause – your pugnacious plot to incorporate their private parts into the standard American bill of fare…and it’s also probable the progressives of the political party presently out of power will pass too….but I suppose you deserve some praise for producing a plan to protect our previously prosperous pork producers from a life of penury.
    That said, I personally plan to pass on the pig penis jerky thing. No matter how you look at it, that just ain’t kosher. For anyone.

    • Hey TL … I’m not even gonna try to get involved with your “Mother of All Blog Replies!” What an explosion of creativity … I just remain very pleased that you read my shit and take the time to reply … Thanks “Yuugely & Biggley!”

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