Space Balls USSF

The truth’s out for the 1001st time … we have a balls-out seriously insane man lurching through the halls of our White House impersonating a US President.

Now he wants to go to alternative universes … as if he wasn’t already in one.

He’s entered the realm of surreal absurdity with a presidential push to create a 6th branch of the US military … the Space Force!

No one’s had the guts to tell “L’Orange” that our “Space Force” already exists as the Air Force Space Command … operating from Peterson Air Force Base … with a command population of 38,000 people.

Fortunately, the Seriously Absurd crack committee … Military Expansion Planning for the Future … has stumbled on documents produced for President Dimwit.

Power Point … gobs of photos … words limited to make him smarter than someone’s fifth grader … describing the United States Space Force … USSF!

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Trump had so much success with “Trump U,” he wants to be the Commandant of the USSF Academy.

He’ll get to wear his designer academy military uniforms … featuring merit badges for his political successes … topped off with a tinfoil dunce cap.

And, there’ll be a football team … cheerleaders provided by the biggest losers in the NFL … the Cleveland Browns.

BREAKING NEWS:  We have the first USSF team cheer:  “Flim … Flam … Scam … Scam … We really don’t care … do you?”

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Dean of the Academy?  Mel Brooks … who else … producer and director of “Space Balls.”  With his anglicized surname, Trump’s got no clue that Brooks is Jewish.

Dean of the School of Rocket Science … Captain James Kirk … late of the Starship, USS Enterprise.

Dean of the School of Alien Contact and Visitation … Giorgio A. Tsoukalos … currently a consultant for the debunked History Channel series, “Ancient Aliens” … the home of pseudoscience and pseudohistory.  Damn the facts, full steam ahead!

Dean of the School of Interstellar Culinary Replication … Neelix … from Star Trek: Voyager … culinary artist and master of the Replicator … think 21st Century 3D Printing.  Guns & pizzas for all!

According to Commander Trump, “I love all these guys … they have a face for TV, all their teeth and more than ½ a brain … which is more than I can say for my Base!”

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A Trump re-election PAC’s already launched Logo selection.  Only donors get to vote.

So it looks like Trumpians have found yet another way to raise money off the government … plus there’s no promise they’ll use the “most popular logo.”

The GOP’s finally enacted “Pay to Vote” … all credit cards accepted … good luck all you suckers!

Just sayin’ …

Step Away from that Chicken!

I can hear the Poultry Police now … “Okay Lady, drop the chicken!  Put your hands in the air and step away from that chicken!”

Sound crazy?  Not so much.

You never know who out there’s a Chicken Hugger … or worse, a Chicken Licker … or Kisser!

The next person you pass on the sidewalk, or offer a friendly hug … or worse a peck-peck on the cheeks … may be, could be … a Chicken Hugger!

And before you get your gender-bias-panties in a wad, understand that the statistics … yes there’s data … indicate that overwhelmingly women are more apt to fall into the category of “Chicken Huggers and/or Kissers” than are men!

A big feathery thank you to the Seriously Absurd crack Backyard Chicken Farmer Data Collection Team!

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The Centers for Disease Control predicts that we may be in for a challenging battle with a pesky zoonotic disease outbreak!

Aha, you say … WTF is a zoonotic disease?

Well, SA and the CDC have that answer … zoonotic diseases are the ones that can be passed from an animal to a human.

And, yes Ms. Backyard Chicken Farmer … that includes your pretty little flock of cute and cuddly peeps and cluck-clucks … the Typhoid Mary’s of at least 10 of the main zoonotic diseases.

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The recent suburban rage of backyard chicken farming and the subsequent anthropomorphizing of said birds have the CDC … and this Blogger … very concerned.

It’s one thing to make sure your coop’s clean enough for your chickens.  It’s another thing to be cuddling, kissing and licking your birds.

Live chickens are not … I repeat … are not “finger lickin’ good” … in spite of what that fat, old, white, Southern Colonel tells you!

And lips that have brushed a chicken … shall not brush mine!

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I know it’s cute and a lot of fun to name your birds.  And they do help control the gecko population.

We know you surreptitiously give them the run of your house.  And for the umpteenth time, you invite them to share your lap and La-Z-Boy to watch the 2016 release of “Chicken People” … which BTW earned top ratings from the Rotten Tomatoes movie critics.

But … the fact is they’re still chickens … they scratch around in chicken s**t … they eat bugs … they peck in their droppings … and I’ve never seen one in a bird bath.

Which gives new meaning to that hackneyed expression … “You dirty bird!”

Just sayin’ …