Wretched, wretched cauliflower!

If you think those veggie-loving-deprive-us-of-our-meat-and-chicken-and-fish crazies were intrusive when they pushed, shoved and catapulted kale into our veggie-less lives  … then you ain’t seen nuttin.’

Wait ‘til you see what the cauliflower huggers are up to!

Those bumpy white knobby looking monadnocks of the veggie world were what you bought because there were no other veggies available that day!

Now it has its own fricking bin … and all of a sudden they’re in every aisle of the store … extruded, boxed, dried, frozen, flattened, or creamed.

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Don’t be telling me about how good cauliflower is for me.  I’m not really interested in the low-calorie-no-fat-high-everything-else numbers.

I’m only interested in wondering when I’ll bite into a bacon cheese burger and discover some form of cauliflower … instead of cheese, beef or … OMG … bacon!

Just how far will these veggie hugging maniacs go?

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Aaargh … leave it to California … the golden raisin paradise for all the true food crazies in the USA.

They’re serving Cauliflower T-bone, Prime Cotê de Cauliflower and thick slabs of cauliflower to unsuspecting carnivores.

According to one food critic … these “cauli-steaks absolutely sing with flavor.”  And they’re served without ketchup!

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As for market comparisons with any of the other “trendy veggies,” the data … yes at times I do look at data … indicates that cauliflower sales have a rough time just keeping up with its dreaded green Italian cousin … broccoli!

There’s no way it sells like kale … or sweet potatoes, fresh corn, or even a head of crappy iceberg lettuce.

In fact … it appears that all this hullabaloo over cauliflower may be nothing more than smart ad campaigns and “payola” … instead of pay for play … we have pay for menu spots!

Something’s rotten … and it ain’t in Denmark!

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To Hell with Cauliflower pizza crust … rice … and puffed cauli-pretzels.

Boooorrrrr-ing!

If we’re gonna bastardize this recognizable crunchy, knobby, white veggie mound that’s usually a leftover on the crudité plate … then let’s go all out!

Fermented St. Cauli Girl IPA … or California Cauli Box Wine … extruded knobby little Cauli Crax sprinkled with a hint of Sea Salt.

Or even better … trick your kids into eating it … a box of Puffed Cauliflowerettes … different colors … coated with brown sugar and surrounded by mini  marshmallows … a bright pink dancing pig with a cauliflower hat on the box front!

Just sayin’ …

The Canadians are attacking … The Canadians are attacking!

Yep … the coastline and estuaries of Maine and Massachusetts are under attack by Canadian savages.

In this case … by an ultra-aggressive crustacean … dubbed the “cockroach of the sea” because “once ya got ‘em ya just can’t get rid of ‘em” … Canadian Green Crabs.

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Since these miniature replicas of the cult SciFi movie “Attack of the Crab Monsters” are exiting Canada, the Canadian effort to curtail their population is underwhelming.

“Let ‘em Go South” and “Sic ‘em Crabbies” parties are held every weekend by enthusiastic Canadians who are tired of all the tariff bullying … insults hurled at their poster boy Prime Minister … and criticisms of their beer and scarlet serge Mountie uniforms emanating from south of their border.

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But … by violating US borders … especially without proper papers … these hard shelled Pit Bulls of the ocean may face massive US retaliation.

Perhaps even family separation … Green Crab Internment Camps in the hot Texas sun … or arrest and transport back to Canada!

God forbid if “you-know-who” in the White House catches a Fox & Friends’ discussion of these “Illegals” crawling sideways across our border from Canada!

Do I hear “Build a Sea Wall … Canada will pay for it?”

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On the commercial front of this “We Got Crabs War” … and true to our best practices … we’re looking to China to invent an automatic crab meat vacuum that sucks the meat right out of the little green beasts … Aaaah, good ‘ole American ingenuity!

Plus … since we’re the only predators of the Green Crab … led by the famed restaurateurs … Legal Seafoods, Boston … we’re frantically searching for ways to soothe our capitalist instincts and make money off the little buggers.   Crab Fests … Green Crab broths … seasonal dishes are migrating onto restaurant menus … we may soon have a new trendy seafood item!

Can The Food Network be the crabs’ next stop?  “The secret ingredient for tonight’s Top Chef is … the Green Crab!”

And in Massachusetts, Crab Warrior Bounty Hunters dump 1000’s of pounds of the crustaceans in organic farm compost fills … at 40 cents per pound!

And just like those sneaking across our southernmost border, these immigrants are also “of color” … this time green!

Just sayin’ …