Letters to Santa … and replies he wanted to send

Dear Santa,

My Mom told me I’m grounded until “Hell freezes over” … just because my dorky little brother ran into her bedroom crying and told her I said … “Santa Claus was dead.”

What a dirty little snitch.

Now I’ve got to come up with a way to convince him that you’re alive and well … and will visit him Christmas Eve. 

Any ideas?

Love … even if you’re really dead.

Donnie “Red” O’Banion

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Dear “Red,”

You deserve to be grounded until “Hell freezes over.”  You want proof that I’m alive and well?

I’m gonna visit your mom and give her some very special adult grape juice and five pounds of double chocolate truffles so she can self-medicate through Christmas.

Don’t worry if she sleeps-in Christmas morning.

As for you … it’s gonna be bricks, ashes and coal.  So I wouldn’t even bother to get out of bed.  Maybe you’ll be allowed out for Christmas 2019.

Oh, and for dear sweet little brother, Danny O’Banion … he’s getting all 13 things on his list … starting with a live pony. 

I may leave you a shovel for the shit you’re gonna have to dig out of to get ungrounded by adulthood.

Lose my address, Jerk.

Santa

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Dear Santa,

My name is Mary and I’m very, very sweet.  Everyone tells me so.

I know March is a little early to write to you … but, I wanted you to know just how good I’ve been.

I’m 9-years old and have been named “Student of the Month” for 36 straight months.  My mom has the stickers stuck all over the bumpers, doors and windows of her mini-van.

There is absolutely no reason why I shouldn’t expect to receive everything on my list.  I sent it to you alphabetized … by category… in order of my desire. 

Even your midgets … there’s no such thing as elves … should be able to follow it.

Please acknowledge my letter and your intention to come down my chimney Christmas Eve with my listed gifts. 

I’ve enclosed a postage-paid-self-addressed-envelope for you convenience.

Yours truly,

Mary Ruth Sarah Brownlee

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Dear Mary Ruth Sarah,

The sad fact is I do remember you.  How could I forget you … you grubby, little, brown nosing brat?

My special gift to you this year is a great big sack of “THE TRUTH!” 

Every teacher you had couldn’t wait for you to get out of their class.  I heard what they had to say in the Teachers’ Lounge … and believe me it wasn’t pretty … if you know what I mean!

Adults have your number and it’s not #1 … so there,  you little twit.

Hmmm, maybe this is the time I should tell you that one of my reindeer ate your list.

Ta, ta, brat.

Santa

PS … Elves do exist and they’re pissed at you, too … just one more reason no one, and I mean no one … likes you.

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Please note … these letters are a product of the internal machinations of my brain … Santa’s way, way nicer!

Just sayin’ …

6 thoughts on “Letters to Santa … and replies he wanted to send

  1. Ho, Ho, Ho! Not really absurd, though. Your insights into our inner minds hit too close to home. Thanks for the laughs, Richard, and Merry Christmas to you and Mari.

    • Thanks, Lee … you shoulda seen the letter Santa really wrote but did not “clear” his editor’s desk. Good thing someone in the Seriously Absurd executive suite has a brain … it’s clear the writer doesn’t!

      Hope your Xmas was a Happy Xmas” … sorry for the delay!

  2. I’m so glad the letters in today’s blog were products of the “internal machinations” of your own mind.
    Why? Because had you gone a different route you might have run afoul of sections 101, 347, 492 and 631 of Rudy Giullani’s new “Make-It-Up-As-We-Go-Along-And-Lie-Through-Our-Teeth-When-We-Want-To-Donald-J.-Trump-Protection-Plan.”
    Worse, thanks to that grinch-in-a-gray suit, Bob Mueller, paying out hush money is no longer the White House way of keeping any of Trump’s past indiscretions quiet: Including his letters to Vladimir ‘Santa’ Putin.

    • Hey TL … Sorry for the delay in responding. Trump should let Mueller investigate … I think he’s probably saved Trump close to a million in future hush money that he planned to pay out … tough to pay hush money when you’re already in jail!

      As for Rudy, he’s much more fun to watch than Trump … Trump’s sincere when he lies … Rudy’s like a rabid hamster stuck in his wheel going round-round-round … I expect to see Rudy keel over anytime when he’s “answering” a question. If he were paid by the contradiction, he’d be a bazillionaire!

      Thanks for your support …

  3. Hmmm … I’m convinced you spent too much time reading Mad Magazine, or you’re applying for a position there as the lead absurdist. You are uniquely capable of moving your internal mental machinations into written words – of course, I’m still not sure whether that should be encouraged …

    Just sayin’

  4. Hell’s Bells, Mike … I need all the encouragement I can get, man!

    As for Mad Magazine, as a teenager, I maintain you cannot spend too much time reading Mad Magazine! As an adult, I graduated to Kurt Vonnegut and am still searchin’ for a replacement for him though I do dabble in the brains of Dave Barry and Carl Hiaasen.

    By all means encourage me … I may well be the most sane of your insane friends!n Thanks for all your support …

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