Resolutions

It’s January … post-holiday … and, the first month of the New Year.

After more than a month of celebrating with massive food intake, alcohol consumption, germ-spreading-family-get-togethers, holiday galas … and, yes interminable post college football season bowl game snacks … you’ve made “that decision.”

I don’t care who you are, where you live or how much you weigh … this time you’re gonna stick to it.

You swear this is the year you’re really, really serious about … your diet.

You’re gonna lose that weight … plus the weight you haven’t even gained … and the weight you thought you were gonna gain … as well as the weight your best friend, partner or spouse gained.

It’s your time … and this is your year!

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To ensure your success, the crack staff of Seriously Absurd’s already done the research to help you stick to your guns … or knives, forks and spoons as you face the daunting task of sticking to it … staying the course … never saying die … or damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead!

Rules are to diets what ice cream and cake are to weight gain!

So … here are some personal tips from my diet plan!

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If no one sees you eat it … the calories don’t count … think “tree falling in the forest” stuff!

The corollary to that is … if you eat it off someone else’s plate, the calories belong to that plate owner.

You save a ton of calories by not licking your plate … or your significant other’s plate.  Hey, it’s helped me!

Calories from licking food prep utensils … beaters, spoons, knives, whisks, spatulas, or fingers … don’t count.  If they did, your mom would never have let you “lick the beaters” when you were a kid!

Nine out of ten doctors say that “chocolate calories” are totally offset by health benefits … these are the same nine doctors who told you that “smoking was good for you!”

Calories are measured as units of heat.  Ergo, frozen calories … think ice cream, cheese cake, frozen umbrella drinks … are scientifically non-existent.  It’s reverse global warming.

People who tell you that alcohol contains calories are colossal liars and spreaders of Fake News.  Alcohol kills germs, red ants, garden slugs, and brain cells.  Calories don’t stand a chance in your vodka.  Take it from me!

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Follow these rules … especially the plate licking one … and drop me an email to let me know how you’re doin’ for 2019!

Just sayin’ …

5 thoughts on “Resolutions

  1. OMG! Sheer brilliance!
    Forget the torpedoes…You, sir, are now the David Farr-a-GUT of dieting.
    And a real Rear (does this ship make my butt look big) Admiral, too.
    Move over Mediterranean diet. So long South Beach and Scarsdale diets. I’m going all in on the Seriously Absurd diet plan.
    I think I’ll start with a Ben & Jerry’s frozen caramel chocolate cheesecake flavored vodka smoothie with peppermint sprinkles and a Hamilton-Beach cookie dough mixer blade as a swizzle stick.
    After that, who knows?

  2. Richard, I had just put the frozen puff pastry back in the freezer after having made the decision that Gallette des roys for the Feast of the Epiphany had too many empty calories. But now that I know drinking some Chardonnay with it will cancel out the calories, I am getting it back out. Luke will appreciate your advice!

  3. If profound is a contraction of – “you’re a real Pro because you have found” the secrets (and depths) of absurdity, then you’re profound …

  4. Thanks so for sharing your super encouraging afterXmasDiet… Will get right on this when I finish the Cadbury chocolate 🍫….

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