Screw the gym … visit the “body shop!”

Okay … Okay … I’ve decided to hang ‘em up.  Quit.  Just let things go their natural way.

Life’s too short to continue this self-perpetuated myth that I could work my way into an Adonis … a Fabio … or even a Francois Henri “Jack” LaLanne … the Guru of American Fitness.

I’ve burned my gym cards … despite their New Year’s resolution inspired “Reclaim-Yourself-Money-Savings-Deals” that arrive daily in my mailbox … I’m not biting.

I’ve walked away from the promises of fab abs!

“Gyms … you’re headed down that failed retail tube with Pennys, Sears, & Toys “Were” Us.

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Maybe I set my personal goals too high.

After thinking about it, Moe, Larry or Curly would’ve been better role models!

I know I’d have more coinage in my pockets if I hadn’t purchased a plethora of “workout” machines and bounced from gym-to-gym … always looking for maximum benefit and minimum effort.

Anyway … who was the Bozo who thought calling them “workout” machines was such a good idea?

I’m thinking a “Beerout Machine” … or maybe a “Sleepout” … definitely a “Couchout” or a “Reclinerout.”   Much better branding.

But “Oh-non-exercisers-of-my life” … hold onto your dreams … you can now buy-your-body … without “body work!”

Move over Spanx … there’re new kids in the ‘hood!

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Body Maxx assures me that I’ll see a difference in just 14 days of “detox” when I use their waist slimmer with body fat burning products.  That’s the ticket!

Eat my way to those six-pack abs!

Strap on this deluxe Middle-Ages-looking-torture-device and wander around my house … eatin’ and sippin’ and nappin’ my way to maga-mega-abs!

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Great for the front of you … “butt,” when you turn yourself around and shake that “booty” will you be … “Booty Shamed?”

No way … if you buy the full treatment of Bawdy Beauty Butt Masks!

Get the Galaxy Kit and you can “Shake it” … “Slap it” … “Bite it” … or “Squeeze it” into a well toned and finely sculpted butt!

No more stair climbers, uphill treadmills … get the butt you’ve always wanted … and don’t sweat it!

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To show off your store-bought-bod … you’ve got to learn to pose so your “work’s appreciated.”

Practice the “wipe-the-sweat-off-your-brow-shirt-lift” to expose your rippling abs.  Perfect your “arm-cross-chest-fold” to accentuate your biceps and forearms.

And don’t forget to invest in those tight-thigh-hugger workout shorts so when you walk, your flexed quads bulge through the stretchy thin material.

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I think I’m ready for the New Year … and I’m not wastin’ time in the gym!

Just sayin’ …

8 thoughts on “Screw the gym … visit the “body shop!”

  1. You’re in good company, Hunter S. Thompson Huss! As the late Charles Schultz, creator of the ‘Peanuts’ comic strip once said, “Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I hear it I wash my mouth out with chocolate.”
    Sincerley,
    Your 300-pound Samoan lawyer, Dr. Gonzo

    • Hey TL … Never knew that Chuck Schultz was an advice columnist as well as a cartoonist … personally, I don’t have to exercise to enjoy smooth delicious chocolate trickling down my throat … It’s my daily treat!

      Glad to know I have a personal lawyer in my corner … all 300 pounds of you! I’ll refer to you as “Dr. Gonzo” from now on!

    • Hey Laurie … Thanks for reading … i love puns even though more sophisticated humorists regard them as “the lowest forms of humor.” I can “fitness” whole pizza in my mouth, too … just one slice at a time!

      See you ’round the lake …

  2. Ok… i just like the term “SILVER SNEAKERS” … that’s why i spent hours trying to Fix my medicare last year.
    Silver Sneakers ALWAYS makes me picture a figure of Mercury in those winged. shoes … think NIKE with wings clad in glistening precious metal… OK.
    I have not yet BEEN into the gym because … the REALITY of a gym is still jogging alongside my mental image that RESPLENDANT Via Valhalla (mixing mythological metaphors).
    Soon.. … ….

  3. Hi Roz … I think the “Silver Sneakers” is one of the gems in the world of gym/fitness marketing … the fastest growing segment of our population is the “Senior group” … and it’s clear that’s what Silver Sneakers is all about as opposed to animal grunts, testosterone weight building, bulging biceps, etc.

    I was intimidated when I started back in the gym years ago and still had a semblance of a body that could be “built.”

    Thanks for reading … now lace up those “Silver Sneaks” and drag your butt to the gym …

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