Hey Kale … I can finally kiss your raggedy ass goodbye!

Kale No! … say “Sayanora” to your privileged position as the go-to Super Food.  One punch to the gut and you fold like private-store-label cheap-frozen-spinach.

So much for being a “trend setter.”  In the history of food ranking, you’re the “Mooch” as the King of Foods!

Hope you like your new space on the bottom shelf of the veggie aisle … right next to the rutabaga!  Jeff Bezos and Whole Foods will toss you outta his store in a matter of weeks.

You won’t hear micro-managing super moms begging their over-privileged kids to “Eat your Kale, Aiden/Avery!  Don’t you want to grow up big and strong … and CEO of a Fortune 100 corporation?”

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Kale’s gone as a tier-one-healthy-food and Seriously Absurd’s banging the drums announcing its demise!

In fact … Seriously Absurd’s stumbled on some fantastic food news … there’s no kale in sight in the top 10 trending Super Foods.

Millenials are thrilled ‘cause their penchant for “avocado everythings” is paying off.  Avocado ranks #2 in the top ten.

Even though they have more potassium in them than bananas, you won’t catch me dropping a “glob-o-quac” in my A.M. cereal or oatmeal.

Fermented foods sit atop the list.  That’s really great news ‘cause I just remembered that beer’s fermented … so beer’s gonna be one of my new “go to Super Foods.”

Thank the gods I’ve found a replacement for all that kale I’ve never eaten.

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If it’s protein you’re after … and you want to reduce your carbon footprint … scoop up a batch of crickets!

If you can’t get past crunching down on a mouthful of Jimminy Cricket’s distant cousins … grab your Vitamix … throw a handful of the little buggers in … add some new Super Food beets and Kombucha.

Viola … you have a Super Food powered-up “Purple Rain Smoothie” that would make Prince proud … ‘cept he’s dead!

Personally I’m partial to adult beverages … my fave being 6-8 Jimminys-on-a-cocktail-pick, vodka, a drop of Vermouth, a squeeze of lime … shake it and you have a Jimminy Cricketini!  The healthiest cocktail you’ll ever throw down your hatch!

How great’s that?

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And … I’m already in touch with that idiot CEO of Chick-fill-a … Dan T. Cathy.

A few years ago he swapped out their best selling coleslaw and climbed on the kale bandwagon … which I knew all along was just a bogus fad … and substituted a Super Food side combo of kale and broccolini … talk about a disgusting Food Flop!

Hey … not everybody’s a winner.

Just sayin’ …

15 thoughts on “Hey Kale … I can finally kiss your raggedy ass goodbye!

  1. I see a Seriously Absurd restaurant COMMING SOON to Mt. Dora! Here are a few name that might reflect its celebrity chef’s tastes: “The Brewseum” or “Pour Jusgement.” Or, if you’re in one of your Middle Earth moods, hows about “Lord of the Wings”?
    (Just stay away from one of my favorites from Ocean City, MD: “Tequila Mockingbird.” That one’s taken!)

    • Hey TL … None of the above … if and when I should ever lose my mind to the degree that I would open a restaurant, it would have to be “Kale, Kale the Gang’s all here!” Plus it would never ever serve kale.

      Thanks for reading and … I do like “Tequila Mockingbird.”

  2. Haha, Richard! Now I am going to have to fix up a bucket full of kale chips to munch and gag on during the Super Bowl. Better than starving!

    • Hi Lee … Thanks a bunch of kale for reading … The fact is I enjoy the flash fried kale I had once at a restaurant … but I think it was the fat and salt that was the real appeal!

      I’ve tried the kale chips and since the makers try to be healthy, they don’t use enuf fat … or salt to make them edible ,,, so, that’s a no go!

      This year, kale chips were more inviting than the Super Bowl … and that’s a real seriously absurd problem!

  3. You really have to go back to your kale aversion therapist and let it go !!! From my point of view you would have tear my kale avocado cricket burger out of my cold dead hands.

    • Hey Michael … I see you now in your Planet of the Apes costume mimicking Charlie Heston … or maybe it’s in your Ben Hur toga … with your 8 oz kale-cricket burger raised above your head! And, it’s not a pretty picture … but I do appreciate your support and your clever Biblical/Scifi reference!

      Thanks for reading …

  4. Do NOT diss the Chick Fil A kale salad….its way better than their anemic carrot salad. Hey, if you’re gonna grease up with all those nuggets….a wee mouthhful ‘o kale will help cleanse your arteries. You commah my house…I makeah you beets you will lovah, lovah! (with or without kale)

    • Hi Laurie … Funny you should mention beets … they are one of my faves … baked and served with goat cheese and a light touch of balsamic. The Chick-Fil-A kaleless salad is just another excuse for them to peddle another sauce … I will admit that they are our “go to” fast food joint … but that’s only because Bojangle’s and Popeye’s are too far to drive for “take out fast food.”

      Thanks for reading and commenting …

  5. I’m with you on this one!

    I’m just not buying kale in any sense. I read that some think of kale as mainly offering a break from spinach. To me, that’s kinda like replacing lean ground chuck with slightly rancid and fatty ground beef – YUM!

    • Hi Mike … thanks for reading and commenting … good point re: ground beef … nowadays you risk eating “left over red stuff” whenever you buy ground beef in a supermarket … pink slime’s the name of the game … near beef … almost cow.

      Just remember … Popeye got his strength from plain old canned spinach … no kale crossed his salty lips!

  6. When I was growing up we lived in a subdivision that was built on an old farm about 1925 — all the lots but one were built on. The one ‘extra’ lot was kept mowed by the neighbor next door; then, she died and the lot was allowed to overgrow.
    There were these tall, frail stalks of light green with heavy bouquets of buds at the top. After looking at them for a while I asked my mother what they were. Her answer in 1950? (and mine forever):
    “Darling, that’s kale, a horrid tasting green that only really poor people or animals will eat.”

    • Hey Janie… from lowly “weed status” to the loftiness of a health food” … the Cinderella Story of Kale … sounds like a Disney production … most of our fetish for “greens” follows the same story line you told for kale … mustard, collards, cabbages … only for the poor folks.

      Thanks for reading and commenting …

  7. Richard, it’s clear that you have completely misunderstood the role and uses of kale. No other food requires as much chewing, except perhaps the overdone Sunday beef roasts of my dear departed Southern mom. So, it’s an excellent exercise for “jawboning”, which I would have expected you to appreciate.

    And where did you get the idea that one was meant to swallow kale? It’s like fine wine that you “chew and spit”. The healthy anti-oxidants are absorbed through the lining of your mouth so there’s no need to force your poor single-stomach digestive system to ruminate over the cud. Leave that to cows who come properly equipped with the double tummy to handle it.

    Kale up, man!

    • Awww, Janet … my science freak friend … you’re the only person I know who can construct logical fact based paragraphs referencing digestive info, idiomatic slang, oenophile tasting procedures, and ruminant digestive physiological procedures finished off with a “challenge.”

      Way to go, gal! Ya knocked this one outta the park … thanks

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