The Chicken Foot Wars

The most prized chicken feet in the world are exported from the USA.

Uncle Sam tips his hat to Frank Perdue … creator of the big-breasted-hormone-stuffed-thunder-thighed chicken.

Our “big feet” make a difference.  And the #1 importer of our quadruple E-sized chicken feet is, or rather was … China.

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In a wave of faux-wisdom seeking to destroy world trade agreements and disrupt international business … our current Pretend-President offered up the lowly chicken foot as yet another “Booby Prize” in his “trade-wars-are-easy-to-win” China Trade War … which if you ask our farmers, is a war in which we’re the ones getting “carpet bombed!”

Usually when there’s “world trade talk,” it involves precious metals, petroleum, and Cuban cigars.

But the land mines sinking our current China trade wars are pigs’ feet, tails and snouts … the ubiquitous soy bean … and now the lowly chicken foot!

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And I’ll betcha … aside from a few well-schooled international agri-conomists … none of whom are ever consulted by our “Fine-Feathered-President” … no one in our current administration knew that these products were all important in China trade negotiations.

So thanks to “l‘homme orange,” we now have thousands of pounds of frozen chicken feet stored in our surplus food banks. And our major buyer’s shaking its head “No.”

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A quick peek at Google for the almost world renown, Dr. Babu and you might stumble upon a paper he presented at the International Chicken Foot Exposition … in which he extolled the “Shocking Benefits of Eating Chicken Feet.”

According to the good Doc, chicken feet are rich in collagen, protein, minerals and calcium … which he claims are good for everything from improved digestion, wrinkle removal, healthy gums, reducing stress, to improving bone strength.

You do have to adopt a foot fetish before you can enjoy a bowl of these scrumpdelish though nasty looking taloned body parts that most likely belong in a witch’s caldron.

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Speaking of which … if crunching through a deep fried or stewed chicken foot isn’t your “thing,” there’s an alternative market for the black magic, voodoo, hoodoo, juju properties of dried chicken feet.

When hung in an easily seen open area … dried chicken feet allegedly possess mystic powers … which chase away demons and protect you from theft … and are rumored to scare off Jehovah’s Witnesses and other door-to-door Christians.

As soon as my chicken feet arrive from Haiti … I’m cancelling my security system.

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BTW … who wants to eat feet that have spent their entire earth-time scratching around in chicken s**t?”

Just sayin’ …

What do Trump, the Bible and Easter have in common?

The “Evangies” love him.

His base worships him.

His signed Bibles are selling on E-Bay for $500 a pop … that’s sale price not asking price.

The annual Prayer Breakfast attendees hang on his every word … even when he “prayed” for Arnie Schwarzenegger’s ratings to “go down right through the tubes” for his new role on the Apprentice.

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Trump’s Bible Fave  is “Two Corinthians” … which he confused with Corinthians II … and is usually pronounced “Second Corinthians.”

Referring to his favorite Bible passage “Two Corinthians,” Trump sounds like he’s starting a joke … “Two Corinthians and a candidate for President walk into a bar….”

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When it comes to living by the word of the Good Book, our “Bible Thumper in Chief,” stomps through the Word of God like Civil War General William Sherman marching through Atlanta torching the “Heart of the South.”

Here’s John 3:18 … one of a multitude of Bible references on the value of truth “….let us not love with words or speech, but with actions and in truth….” Hmm.

The truth is … as of March 2019 according to the WAPO … our “Commander in Myth” exceeded the 9,450 mark of “untruths” … which at various times have been explained as misspeaks, alternative facts, misinformed, misinformation, bad information, disagreement on facts … or in some cases flat out denials … even though video reveals the exact words/statements dropping from his lying lips.

That old joke … “Do you know when a lawyer’s lying?  When he opens his mouth!”

An apt description of our fearless bone spurred … “Liar in Chief.”

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As for Easter, our “Commander in Thief” has very little in common with either the Christian or the Pagan versions of this springtime rite of rebirth … new life … being born again … new starts … or even salvation.

Trump has broken nine of the Ten Commandments … and we’re still waiting for the promised murder … “I can shoot someone in the middle of 5th avenue….”

When Jesus said to turn the other cheek, “Spanky in Chief” thought he was totally Christtian based on his Stormy Daniels sex-capade with a rolled-up copy of Forbes magazine!

In that situation one has to ask… “WWJD” … “What Would Jesus Do?”

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Don’t dare ask about the Jesus water-to-wine miracle … we know from wine tasting competitions, that our “Winer in Chief” turns his “fine Virginia wine into water!”

Just sayin’ …

(May your Easter be filled with forgiveness … or chocolate … it’s your choice.)

Holy Trump-o-cados! Trump and the “Party of Guacamole”

It’s anticipated the US will run out of avocados within three weeks from the looming date of the US-Mexico border closing … depriving millions of their beloved guacamole.

If there’s no guacamole, the NFL’s stated … there’s no Super Bowl!

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Avocado futures have sky rocketed as have stocks in companies that produce “non-guac” dips.

As retail prices predictably soar, grocery stores report they’ll arm cashiers and sackers to patrol produce aisles to prevent “Avo-Theft.”  Management’s prepared to hire armed classroom teachers to work after-school-hours.

Produce Managers have been trained to scrape that telltale gray coloring from the top of the packaged guac … redact date codes … then reseal and return packages to the shelves … looking bright green and shiny.

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In Silicone Valley and other Hi Tech centers throughout the US, Millenials plan work slowdowns protesting what they call “this latest insult to the core of our being.”

Speaking for all Millenials, Lance Suckworth stated, “We’re sick and tired of this government’s s**t rolling downhill onto us.

“Student loans … the death of book stores where we could sit and read real books for free … Starbuck’s CEO acting like an ass, and now … no avocados for our avocado toast?

“You’re killing us!  We may as well become Socialists … at least we’d be as happy as they are in Greenland, Iceland and Denmark.”

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Frantic efforts to recreate and reconstruct the avocado’s molecular structure and thus avoid wasted growing time, is a full tilt effort in all federal laboratories.

Even the docs in the Centers for Disease Control have been commandeered.

According to VP Pence, “The Administration’s ordered CDC research docs to stop work on communicable diseases and reassigned them to fight this green tsunami of “Mexican Avo-Terrorism.  A little bit of flu is good for all of us.”

Pence stamped his little feet saying, “We can create the ‘Lab-a-cado!’  The US will not cave in to Terrorists!”

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Earlier in the week in an impromptu press gaggle, ‘45 stated, “The Mexican Haas avocado has always been inferior.  We will become known as the Avocado and Guacamole Nation!

“We’ll have the fattest, yellowest and most nutritious avocados ever made.

“We’ll call it the ‘Trump-a-cado.’  Mothers and babies will love them!

“Trust me on this!”

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Wait a minute … this just in … that crazy bastard Trump just announced that he’ll wait a year before closing the border.

Oh well … now we have a year for the research labs to produce the all new and improved “Lab-a-cado.”

Just sayin’ …