Holy Trump-o-cados! Trump and the “Party of Guacamole”

It’s anticipated the US will run out of avocados within three weeks from the looming date of the US-Mexico border closing … depriving millions of their beloved guacamole.

If there’s no guacamole, the NFL’s stated … there’s no Super Bowl!

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Avocado futures have sky rocketed as have stocks in companies that produce “non-guac” dips.

As retail prices predictably soar, grocery stores report they’ll arm cashiers and sackers to patrol produce aisles to prevent “Avo-Theft.”  Management’s prepared to hire armed classroom teachers to work after-school-hours.

Produce Managers have been trained to scrape that telltale gray coloring from the top of the packaged guac … redact date codes … then reseal and return packages to the shelves … looking bright green and shiny.

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In Silicone Valley and other Hi Tech centers throughout the US, Millenials plan work slowdowns protesting what they call “this latest insult to the core of our being.”

Speaking for all Millenials, Lance Suckworth stated, “We’re sick and tired of this government’s s**t rolling downhill onto us.

“Student loans … the death of book stores where we could sit and read real books for free … Starbuck’s CEO acting like an ass, and now … no avocados for our avocado toast?

“You’re killing us!  We may as well become Socialists … at least we’d be as happy as they are in Greenland, Iceland and Denmark.”

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Frantic efforts to recreate and reconstruct the avocado’s molecular structure and thus avoid wasted growing time, is a full tilt effort in all federal laboratories.

Even the docs in the Centers for Disease Control have been commandeered.

According to VP Pence, “The Administration’s ordered CDC research docs to stop work on communicable diseases and reassigned them to fight this green tsunami of “Mexican Avo-Terrorism.  A little bit of flu is good for all of us.”

Pence stamped his little feet saying, “We can create the ‘Lab-a-cado!’  The US will not cave in to Terrorists!”

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Earlier in the week in an impromptu press gaggle, ‘45 stated, “The Mexican Haas avocado has always been inferior.  We will become known as the Avocado and Guacamole Nation!

“We’ll have the fattest, yellowest and most nutritious avocados ever made.

“We’ll call it the ‘Trump-a-cado.’  Mothers and babies will love them!

“Trust me on this!”

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Wait a minute … this just in … that crazy bastard Trump just announced that he’ll wait a year before closing the border.

Oh well … now we have a year for the research labs to produce the all new and improved “Lab-a-cado.”

Just sayin’ …

8 thoughts on “Holy Trump-o-cados! Trump and the “Party of Guacamole”

  1. Food for thought, Herr Huss: If the lab folks bring their dogs to work, might not these Lab-a-cados also be prone to chasing and retrieving tennis balls? Shedding several metric tons of Lab-a-cado fur each month? Licking our faces as we eat our dip?

    • hey Tee L … I was with you on the extended benefits of
      Lab-a-cados until we got to the “face licking!” You don’t know where that tongue’s been … hmm, knowing you … you may indeed know where that tongue’s been!

      Thanks for the comment and for all your support … now I’m off to the “lab” to perfect the “Huss-a-cado!”

  2. Florida produces wonderful Avocados. I lived in Homestead, Fl. for many years, across from an Avocado Grove. My dog used to “retrieve” the ones on the ground, bring them home and eat them like a squirrel. I made lots of quacamole, yum! (She was a stray I found out in the farm lands, I think she lived off of Avocados!)

    • Hi Lynn … Thanks for reading … I agree with you about FL avocados. We had a couple of trees when I was a kid and enjoyed them. It took me quite a while to adjust to the Haas avocados because I couldn’t get FL avos … apparently they don’t ship as well as the Haas brand.
      Your pup was living proof of the nutritional value of avocados … I consider guacamole a health food … even with chips!

  3. Perhaps it’s time for you to engineer a Hussacado? And you missed the frightening effect of lack of face-tightening avocado facials!!! We can’t go there…

    • Hi NBR … Thanks for reading and commenting … I thought the super food avocado would attract your attention … how could I forget to mention the role of avocado facials in our culture? Please forgive my narrow view of the role of this nutty little plant!

    • Hi GL … this was another of those that once I heard the news headline, I raced to my keyboard and this spilled out … he-who-shall-remain-nameless just keeps on dumping material in my lap!

      Thanks for reading and commenting … I’m glad he’s backed off the closing of the border … what would I do if there were no Stupor Bowl?

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