The Chicken Foot Wars

The most prized chicken feet in the world are exported from the USA.

Uncle Sam tips his hat to Frank Perdue … creator of the big-breasted-hormone-stuffed-thunder-thighed chicken.

Our “big feet” make a difference.  And the #1 importer of our quadruple E-sized chicken feet is, or rather was … China.

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In a wave of faux-wisdom seeking to destroy world trade agreements and disrupt international business … our current Pretend-President offered up the lowly chicken foot as yet another “Booby Prize” in his “trade-wars-are-easy-to-win” China Trade War … which if you ask our farmers, is a war in which we’re the ones getting “carpet bombed!”

Usually when there’s “world trade talk,” it involves precious metals, petroleum, and Cuban cigars.

But the land mines sinking our current China trade wars are pigs’ feet, tails and snouts … the ubiquitous soy bean … and now the lowly chicken foot!

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And I’ll betcha … aside from a few well-schooled international agri-conomists … none of whom are ever consulted by our “Fine-Feathered-President” … no one in our current administration knew that these products were all important in China trade negotiations.

So thanks to “l‘homme orange,” we now have thousands of pounds of frozen chicken feet stored in our surplus food banks. And our major buyer’s shaking its head “No.”

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A quick peek at Google for the almost world renown, Dr. Babu and you might stumble upon a paper he presented at the International Chicken Foot Exposition … in which he extolled the “Shocking Benefits of Eating Chicken Feet.”

According to the good Doc, chicken feet are rich in collagen, protein, minerals and calcium … which he claims are good for everything from improved digestion, wrinkle removal, healthy gums, reducing stress, to improving bone strength.

You do have to adopt a foot fetish before you can enjoy a bowl of these scrumpdelish though nasty looking taloned body parts that most likely belong in a witch’s caldron.

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Speaking of which … if crunching through a deep fried or stewed chicken foot isn’t your “thing,” there’s an alternative market for the black magic, voodoo, hoodoo, juju properties of dried chicken feet.

When hung in an easily seen open area … dried chicken feet allegedly possess mystic powers … which chase away demons and protect you from theft … and are rumored to scare off Jehovah’s Witnesses and other door-to-door Christians.

As soon as my chicken feet arrive from Haiti … I’m cancelling my security system.

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BTW … who wants to eat feet that have spent their entire earth-time scratching around in chicken s**t?”

Just sayin’ …

2 thoughts on “The Chicken Foot Wars

  1. This article has now solved a long puzzling question of mine…..why was there no chicken on the menus of any back alley restaurant in Seoul, Korea when I was last there in the late 90s? Was wandering around one evening looking for a “street meal” (pre food truck era) and noticed that every place had large bowls of chicken feet prominently displayed, but no such thing as even a meager chicken kabob for sale. I bought a paper cone full of the feet…curried, if memory serves, and after some time realized I had stumbled on the worlds best diet….they were impossible to swallow, even after vigorous and extensive chewing!! Like a chicken curry flavored rubber band.
    So now, thanks to you Richard….one of my life’s true mysteries has been solved…we must export our chicken feet to Korea as well as China.

  2. Put this into iambic pentameter and it’s modern-day Macbeth!
    Fair is ‘fowl’ and ‘fowl’ is fair…and it’s got witches and caldrons, too!
    All hail to the Seriously Absurd Bard of Mount Dora….can’t wait for your re-write of the Prince of Denmark….the real story of pig snouts, pig’s feet, pigtails and – you guessed it – bite-sized ham steaks called “ham-lets.”

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