The HitchBot’s Guide to the USA

I’m 10 years old.  Mom’s looking down at me saying, “Never … never ever hitchhike, Dickie.  There’re bad people out there who will pick you up, torture you, and then kill you.”

From that point … I’ve never stuck my thumb out to bum a ride.

Now my worst fear’s come true.

We have proof positive what happens to hitchhikers in the USA.  Just ask HitchBot …

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Enter the Canadians … our seemingly carefree neighbors who gave us the Royal Mounted Police in their bright red coats and dorkie hats … half of Niagara Falls … hockey, ice cold Molson Beer, and Justin Trudeau.

They kept free healthcare for themselves … and still laugh at us.

But they did give us, for a brief period of time … HitchBot … and taught us the dangers of hitchhiking in the USA.

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HitchBot … the creation of two slightly bent Canadian university scientists with a streak of moral turpitude … had limited language skills … could answer basic questions with whoever picked it up … a TV screen face … flexible legs and arms … and bunches of other digital crap that “robot-o-sists” know about.  It looked more like a Legoman than a robot.

The scientist team planned to have it hitchhike and create a socio-cultural record of its adventure(s).

And hitchhike it did.

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Hitch first journied across Canada … over 10,000 miles in just 26 days … without a “hitch.”

Europe was next and Hitch hitched throughout Germany with a bonus trip to The Netherlands, focused on Amsterdam … lucky Hitch.

A US cross country trip was planned … why not?

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Hitch left Boston with stops in several Massachusetts hot spots … then bopped down to The Big Apple where he survived the streets of Manhattan before heading to the “City of Brotherly Love” … Philadelphia.

Love those Philly Fanatics.  The City of Brotherly Love showed just what could happen when attempting to “bum a ride.”

HitchBot abruptly quit transmitting and was ultimately found … dismembered in the gutters of Philly.

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Many felt this attack was the result of angry Philadelphia Eagle fans … this happened in 2015 … not 2018, their Super Bowl win year.

Some offered that it was a “Hate Crime” directed at … gulp … Canadians.

Others surmised that it was an “act of patriotism.”  Clearly this makeshift “robot” was just an inferior-digital-Tinker-Toy foisted on America without a valid visa … and, therefore, deserved what it got.

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Me?  I think it’s another of those life lessons my mother tried to teach me … one that took only 65 years to learn.

Just sayin …

Michael Cohen … Legal Eagle … Welcome to the Big Time

It’s a legal thriller John Grisham couldn’t write.

Welcome to Trump World … a dystopian fantasy land for all those living in the crowded nightmare of Trump’s never ending criminal investigations.

How lucky do you think “The Mooch” feels?  In-and-out of Trump World so fast he didn’t even get an autographed “You’re Fired” poster!

Thanks to the FBI, the Southern District of Manhattan DA, and Special Counsel, Trump’s personal attorney, Michael “I’m-His-Fixer” Cohen, was visited by the “real-law-and-order-vets” this week … and was “fixed.”

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While most of us live in a Technicolor world, Trump’s spent his life living in his own not very creative underworld of lies, deceit, payoffs and cheap gangster movies.

He’s demonstrated at best, his life’s been … and will continue to be cheap B-movie material earning zero Rotten Tomatoes.

Michael Cohen’s finally met real attorneys, law enforcers and a pile of legal shit that he’ll live in for the rest of his life.  His days as Trump’s Fixer are over … kaput … finished.

He’s the sucker, who in those poorly plotted movies, ends up in the trunk of the mobster’s car missing body parts and wearing cement shoes.

Spolier:  Watch Cohen hang from Trump Tower while the Manhattan South DA skillfully flays and then fillets him into choice cuts of defunct and funky smelling Trump Steaks.

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Trump knows that Cohen knows where “all the bodies are buried” … and they’re not far from Trump Tower.  To date, Cohen’s tough guy persona has been earned by harassing out-funded and poorly legally represented terrified women.

“Hey Mikie … How do you like facing an “A-Team” of attorneys?

Cohen’s life as the crack attorney for the Trump Crime Family shows that his Five-and-Dime law degree matches his complete lack of intelligence.

A simple enforceable nondisclosure agreement seems to be beyond his capability.

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To pay his own legal fees, Cohen’s taking out a third mortgage on his home.

“Hey Mikie … Here’s an idea … Ask Trumpie to pay you what he owes you.”

If you hear anything on the other end of your new burner phone, it’ll be silence … or maybe heavy breathing.

What it won’t be is … “Sure, Mikie.  Give me your bank account number and I’ll transfer funds right away!”

Cohen’s only hope to save his skin is to execute a Greg Louganis “Olympic- Gold-Medal-3-Meter-Dive” … and call it the “Spill-the-Beans-Back-Flip.”

Just sayin’ …

Trump announces “National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month” April Fools?

 

The slimiest sleazebag sexual predator riding the streets in a bulletproof limo has announced that April is “National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month.”

It’s almost as if President Dickwad is using himself as the motivator so we can be aware of the magnitude of this problem.

I wonder how the women he’s already assaulted feel about having their own special month.

And befitting this social media president … he announced his proclamation via Twitter.

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The opening statement from the White House proclamation:

“Sexual assault crimes remain tragically common in our society, and offenders too often evade accountability. These heinous crimes are committed indiscriminately: in intimate relationships, in public spaces, and in the workplace.”

WTF … this reads like a playbook for Trump and his assaults.  “Evade accountability …  heinous crimes … committed indiscriminately?”

Whoa!  Did any of the White House Bozos read this f**king statement before they released it?  It’s clear the Head Bozo didn’t!

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Who told our Predator-in-Chief this was a good idea?

Hope Hicks is gone.  Melania’s not speaking to him.  Ivanka’s pissed because he compares her to the women on his sexual assaultee list.

He’s got no wife beaters left in the West Wing.  But he’s let it be known he wants Rob Porter to boomerang back.

The Seriously Absurd’s crack staff learned that the idea for this “special month” was solely another of the “no-brain-impulse-moves” from 45 himself.

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The fact that 45’s a p***y-grabbing-assault-denier-uninvited-kisser doesn’t seem to matter.  He’s desperate to show the world that … as he stated in his campaign … “I adore women.  No one adores women more than I do.”

He knows the best way to clear his name is to spend a month publically tweeting and holding Fake News announcements about Infrastructure Week, or North Korea, or that Beezos guy who’s younger and richer than he is.

Then while we’re distracted … he can declare himself a “Champion for Women.”

Bring back Omarosa … please.

Laura Ingram’s sure to have a good word for him … maybe Trump Enterprises can advertise on “The Ingram Angle.”

Michael Avenatti reportedly spit coffee across Wolf Blitzer’s interview table discussing this latest sexcapapade.

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But here’s the Real News … in 2009 President Obama was the first president to proclaim April as National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month.

Aha … the supreme motivator for Trump!  It’s to trump President Obama … no matter how stupid he looks doing it!  Sad!

Just sayin’ …

Championship for the Politically Aged

“Let’s Get Ready to Rumble!”

Forget about “The Thrilla’ in Manila” and “The Rumble in the Jungle.”  They were hissy-fits compared to what’s going down.

Two political heavy weights … literally and symbolically … issued the required initial taunts and insults to hold a winner take all “Championship for the Politically Aged.”

Already dubbed the biggest fight since David thwacked Goliath, the Biden-Trump “Match-for-Total-Macho-Male-Stupidity” is the most talked about event since … well, probably yesterday.

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The Tale of the Tape … “sizes-up” the combatants and in this case, paints a truly ugly picture of the two big mouthed behemoths.

Height:

Trump – 6’3” according to his NY State DL and his constituents … taller and mightier than an Oak.

Biden – 6’2” but bends in any wind … known to be a crier and already dubbed by Trump … “The Weeping Willow.”

Weight: 

Trump – yuuge and biggly … some say blubbery … others, big assed.

Biden – aged athletic bulges in all the wrong places … not Trumpian.

Girth: 

Trump – saddle this hoss and ride … he needs the exercise.

Biden – Wife Jill feeds him occasional salads … knows food other than Mickey Dee & KFC.

Hair: 

Trump – None that is really his … your basic million dollar weave job.

Biden – a few surviving nubs battle to be the “last-strand-standing” … Joe sticks with his GI cut.

Tall Tales: 

Trump – Has the advantage in a daily landslide of un-truthisms.

Biden – Has been known to hyperbolate when excited … some  compare him to the now for sure dead, Mark Twain.

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Trump will train at Camp Mar-a-Lago … Biden holed-up with the Clintons in Chappaqua, NY.

Like Amazon, the GOP/DNC Bi-partisan Select Fight Committee … the only bi-partisan effort on this year’s calendar … is receiving bids from interested cities.

Rendville, OH … population of 38 … offered to host the fight as soon as they finish building bunk beds in Homer’s barn to accommodate the press.

Raiford, FL … home of the Florida State Prison (aka Raiford) wants to host the fight in hopes of offering their facilities as Trump’s post-presidency residence.  The fight would serve as a Realtor’s Open House with a tour and refreshments.

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Vegas set the odds at 2:1 that one or both of the lard-asses will get stuck in the ropes as they enter the ring.

Odds are 5:1 that Trump collapses in his Red Corner when they yank the stool out from under him for the first round.

Odds for cardiac arrest before the end of the first round are set at 2:1 for Trump … in spite of his Navy doctor’s health report.

Biden is slightly favored at 4:1 to at least throw a punch before the end of round 1.

It’s even money that Trump’s lawyers will sue Biden at the opening bell for the first round.

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As for Seriously Absurd … this is two old-fat-white-guys in a stupid political stunt that will produce nothing beyond more bloviating … but Seriously Absurd’s got a $100 riding on Biden.

Just sayin’ …

FLASH … Sex Toys-R-Us is Closing

It’s bad enough that Toys-R-Us has filed for “Liquidation” … probably closing all 754 of its remaining stores.  But the worst is yet to come!

The phone at Seriously Absurd hasn’t stop ringing with rumors from the Interstate-Truck-Stop–Hotline … apparently “Sex-Toys-R-Us” is following in the kid focused footsteps of Toys-R-Us.

The battle for sex toy supremacy between e-commerce and brick-n-mortar retailing has reached an orgasmic end.

Amazon’s Jeff Beezos prematurely leaked to Wall Street that it’s always been a “secret desire of mine to wipe the filthy sex-shops off our interstate landscape.”

“Our Truck Stops have become the red light districts of America.”

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Meanwhile … with the closing of T-R-U, parents are outraged that they may no longer get to see, touch and feel toys.

One distraught mother wailed, “How will I be able to know if this is the best toy?  Is it durable?  Will it last?  Does it perform as advertised?  I need some experience before I buy a toy.”

“This is really f**king up my Xmas and B’day plans,” a mother of three told Seriously Absurd.  “For a lousy $30 … ten bucks per kid … I could turn ‘em lose in Toys-R-Us all afternoon.”

“The little savages tore everything apart before they made a ‘buy decision.’  That’s the only way to shop!”

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Though the Interstate’s are still humming with trucks … the real humming is coming from the drivers … and it’s all about what’re they’re gonna do when they stop for fuel?

Fill ‘er up and then leave?

“WTF’s going on?” one driver reported to the Absurders.

“Them sex toy stores are as All-American as the food buffet,” said the driver of a huge red Peterbilt.

He went on, “Ain’t nuthin’ better than those canned Del Monte Blue Lake green beans … fresh from the steam tray.  And the creamed chip beef … cain’t beat it!”

Another driver, brandishing his newer model sex doll stated, “If there ain’t no more toys … I ain’t botherin’ tuh stop.  Don’t print mah name … but mah handle’s, ‘Ah Cain’t Git Enuff.’”

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A female driver, jamming her dildo into her rear pocket said, “If these stores go away, how will I really know if this is the best toy?  Is it durable?  Will it last?  Does it perform as advertised?  I need some experience before I buy a toy.”

She continued expressing real fear that if Sex-Toys-R-Us closes all its shops, truck stops could soon join America’s drive-in theaters … abandoned roadside rolling mounds of green Kudzu.

Sad!

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Just sayin’ …

Hey, Betsy DeVos … “You Ma’am, Are No Betsy Ross”

“Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!”

Prez 45’s created an opportunity for Betsy DeVos to shine … as his own “Special Woman of History” … vying to replace Betsy Ross.

BDV’s been given her own Klieg lighted stage … a national commission charged with making our schools safe.

And, her “Safe School Fight Song” undoubtedly will be that well known WWII chant!

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Just in case you’ve forgotten … BDV’s the one who thought it was a stellar idea to arm teachers out West.

“Aha,” you ask … “Is that the hotbed of school shooter incidents?”

Nope … it’s where teachers allegedly cower in fear of grizzly bear attacks.

Yep … our current “Secretary of Dismantleing Education” proposed arming those quaking teachers so they could pop a few caps into an enraged, mouth foaming, bear claw shredding, 10’ grizzly, marauding through school hallways … without a hall pass.

In spite of that “grizzly” flash of brilliance … and his earlier statements that all commissions are nothing but “talk-talk-talk”… 45 has empowered BDV to head his newest Federal Commission.

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With ears to the wall and balls-out determination, the crack Seriously Absurd staff garnered inside information on some of the Commission’s topics.

Arming teachers and staff isn’t enough …

Under the military tactical tutelage of Blackwater, her brother’s security firm, BDV proposes the training and arming of high school seniors.

The NRA … supporting any way to increase gun sales … promises to exhume Charlton Heston and his “cold, dead hands” to schedule personal appearances at participating school rallies.

Stronger support for Homeland Security’s “See something – Do something” slogan …

The Commission plans an AP college credit course for spotting and turning in illegal aliens.

Students would receive extra credit when the illegal alien is deported and his family devastated.  BDV has already insured acceptance of this AP course credit at all Evangelical Christian Colleges.

More “real life business experience” for students …

Walk-outs, demonstrations, and picnic trips to state capitols aren’t the best ways to prepare for the future.

Instead, every public school student will be required to enroll in a special 4-year “Amway Pyramid-Scheme-Course.”

BDV says it’s the only way to teach students her family axiom: You only make money if you get to the top!

She vows that this will harden high school students to the competition so they understand that lying and deception are the tools necessary to … “Make America Great Again!”

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It was reported that when asked if these were the best ways to improve school safety, BDV replied, “You sound just like that whiney-gunless-wonder-flag-sewing-b***h, Betsy Ross!”

Just sayin’ …

It’s not a Bear Market in Bear Land!

Teddy Roosevelt’s spinning in his grave.

The Vermont Teddy Bear Company’s feeling the pressure.

The world renowned Steiff Company in Germany is in daily meetings … all preparing for the worst.  And folks … it’s coming … Bear-mageddon!

There’s a war in the “Bear House” and it’s upsetting the delicate Teddy Bear world balance.

This is bigger than any “trumped-up trade war” … more precarious than the North Korean, Iranian and Russian threats combined … thicker and taller than any damn wall!

We’re in the midst of “Trumpy Bear Wars!”

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Yes … The Trumpy Bear is here … and can be yours for two EZ installments of $19.95 … plus handling & shipping.

No … it’s not a blow-up “sex-bear-doll.”

And no … it doesn’t have a pull string to produce a growling … “Oh Baby, that’s it, that’s it!” or “Don’t stop now!”

It’s a plump plush brown bear complete with “Trump Hair” … which you can “style” yourself!

Itty-bitty bear hands dangle from a mock French cuffed dress shirt … and the trademarked “Made in China” bright red tie hangs below Trumpy Bear’s belt buckle.

It’s marketed by a company in Texas … where the bear is manufactured is a company secret.  Let’s take a wild-assed guess … China?  Maybe Russia? Certainly not the USA!

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One buyer decapitated his Trumpy Bear only to discover that just like the real Trump … there’s microfiber filler between its ears.

What did you expect?  An effing Mensa sized brain?

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Find the hidden zipper … no it’s not where you think it is … and you’ll discover a unique Trumpy Bear feature.

Gently probe deep inside and you’ll pull out … no not that thing … a full-body-wrap-American-flag … perfect for those cold lonely evenings you’ll spend watching the video-loop of Trump doing his final “perp-walk” down the White House steps on his way to Marine One … very Nixon-esque!

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Trumpkins are falling all over themselves buying the Trumpy Bear.

They’ve already been spotted on golf carts cruising our nation’s courses … hoisted on poles in front of homes … facing into the wind as Harleys roar down the highway … and yes, sent to our brave GIs fighting in all the places we don’t know about … yet.

Personally … I think its “fab-tastic” that Trumpkins are spending their generous tax returns on Trumpy Bears … as opposed to AR15s.

I just hope that it’s an adult toy … and parents aren’t giving them to their babies!  That would be cruel and …. “unbearable punishment.”

Just sayin’ …

Extreme Curling

If you think I’m talking about hair styles and gel art … think again oh, icicle licking one!

With a gold medal performance by the Americans at the Pyeongchang Winter Olympics, curling has taken over the US of A faster than a Trumpian Tweetfest.

And in our own typical yuuge and biggly fashion … we’ve taken to this extreme like only Seriously Absurd can … to “Make Curling Great Again.”

Think pizzazz … glamour … glitter … bodies colliding … crowds roaring … and yes, it’s a whole new sexy high fashion scene for the new ECCA (Extreme Curling Clubs of America) … get in on the ground floor … franchise information available on request.

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The ECCA has inked a multi-million dollar contract with Jeff Beezos to bring live curling into every American living room … den, garage, family room, kitchen, breakfast nook, and bathroom.

If you’ve got a video device, you’ll be watching the blood-and-guts action of Extreme Curling … brought to you by Amazon Prime and Whole Foods.

Over a two-year span, Beezos promises a Curling Court in the parking lot of every Whole Foods.  He’s definitely got the room since no one’s shopping there anymore!

Plus, how much runway does a delivery drone need?

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Throw away those tacky little sissy brooms.  We’re introducing Commando-Brooms … brooms that whisk so damn fast you can’t see the bristles.

No more chunky Swedes, Danes or Norwegians on ECCA ice.  Extreme Curling demands the body of Adonis … guys … or the body of Athena … gals.

It also demands the brains of Einstein … without the hair!  We’re talking physics with physiques!

This is glamour-sex-dripping curling … costuming by Vera Wang, Gucci, Donna Karan for the She-males and Calvin Klein, Marc Jacobs, Versace for the He-males.  Think skin!

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ECCA promises to make the WWE look like Romper Room.

The new curling courses are pitfalls of body slams, choke holds, pile drivers … blood-on-the-ice action with every push of the stone.

Big Pharma’s leading the charge when you compete in the ECCA.  No more whining about drug disqualifications  … steroids and PEDs are what’s for breakfast … and lunch … and dinner!

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And to jack up the excitement, ECCA stones are designed by a select munitions committee from Lockheed Martin, Raytheon, Boeing, and Leggo.

Exploding stones … fire bomb stones … napalm stones add “boom-boom” to the ice.

ECCA bi-laws, however, forbid “dirty bomb” stones, mustard or chlorine gas stones, and cluster bomb stones.  Collateral damage wrecks audience participation!

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So all you curling wannabes … get your butts off the couch.  Embrace the sex and mayhem added to curling … and head to the ECCA closest to you!

Just sayin’ …

Seriously Stupid is Alive and Well … For Now

 

The “Non-Thinking-Male-Teen-Near-Human-Species” enters the scene … every cell phone’s locked and loaded … set to take a video later placed on YouTube.

An “I dare you!” is uttered from his subspecies admirers and a “Challenge” is accepted.

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It could be …

“The Gallon Challenge” … chugging a gallon of milk, sometimes more … mostly harmless with a lot of vomiting and “laughing over spilled milk.”

“The Cinnamon Challenge” … throwing a heaped spoonful of powdered cinnamon into your mouth … results in a very dry mouth, hacking, coughing, vomiting and risk of inhaling more cinnamon into your lungs than most folks eat in an Airport Cinnabon.

“The Salt and Ice Challenge” … salt down a body part and then ice it and hold tight … results in rapid freezing leading to frost bite and 2nd degree burns … no vomiting but lots of urging on to “feel the pain” … no hand-churned ice cream to enjoy later.

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But this Tide Pods thing … that’s something else.

I think it has to do with guys’ genetic structure and having to prove exactly how stupid we can be … on any given day.

The “Tide Pods Challenge” … like other YouTube challenges, appears to be mostly a young teen male dominated act of stupidity.

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I can understand a toddler grabbing the highly colorful squishy appealing looking detergent pod and biting into it.  That’s what toddlers do … they satisfy innate curiosity … “Oooh, colorful … tactile … in the mouth it goes.”

And there have been ample tragic news accounts of the dangers and consequences.

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But in spite of all these warnings, the aforementioned male-teen-subspecies soon to be scary adult, responds to the dare by grabbing at least one Tide Pods and popping it into his mouth.

Encouraged by screams of glee while forgetting what little brain power is functioning, the male teen chomps on the chemically loaded pod immediately falling on the floor writhing and screaming for relief.

All cell phones are kept tight on the Grand-Idiot-One who will end up on YouTube and ultimately may or may not end up in an ER.

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Thank the gods adults are around … and some think this isn’t a great Challenge.

Tide has taken to social media using New England Patriot’s Rob Gronkowski as a spokesperson … “Gronk” points out that slurping Tide Pods is more stupid than playing in the NFL without your helmet.

YouTube and Twitter have taken down all video and messaging related to the “Tide Pods Challenge.”

Now, if they could just get behind the stupidity of selling automatic military style weapons, we might be okay.

Just sayin’ …

Surprises in the Middle Seat

Just in case you’ve been locked in a closet for a decade or so, let me “jet” you to the seriously absurd consequences of a seemingly benign federal law which allows air travelers to be accompanied by their “BFF Emotional Support Animals” … think cuddly puppy or fluffy kitty.

But the law’s exploded in the laps of travelers making confinement and … “Honey I shrunk the seats” … just the beginning of a travel “cat-ass-trophe.”

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And, guess what?  For a fee … there’s an entire industry that’ll “certify” anything that’s not a plant as your “ESA.”

These greed-mongers created a system that literally has turned “Fly the Friendly Skies” into a high altitude version of the San Diego Zoo … sans cages!

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There was a time when we all had hopes of meeting a “special someone” in the middle seat.  Now, we’re happy if it’s not an 8’ python, 45 pounds of pot-belly pig, or a mini-pony!

Keep it in a carrier in your lap … or in the seat … that’s okay!  But most of these near-psychotic travelers want their ESA to “experience the flight” cage free!

Oh, Flight Attendant, may I switch to the middle-seat, last row by the toilet?

Puh-leese!

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If I’m flying JetBlue I’d be afraid to munch on my free chips or cookies … especially if there’s a frickin’ Capuchin monkey masturbating at me from the middle seat.

I’ve read that there are folks who have ES turtles … they’re okay.

I’d have a tough time with someone’s ES cockroaches … or wharf rats … the big ones with Manhattan addresses.

Apparently there’s one frequent traveler with a large male duck whose photo pops-up online.  The duck wears a diaper and waddles in the center aisle.  Some folks seem to think he’s “kinda cute.”

Me?  I’ll keep my feelings to myself lest someone sic PETA on me.

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I do think we’re missing an important issue here … that’s the emotional trauma for the animal.

Going through security … do they have to sit in the tub and pass through the machine with your electronics?  Someone could shove a pipe bomb down their duck’s gullet.

How long does it take a turtle to waddle through the upright scanner?

How much radiation can our ESA take?

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Where’s PETA when we need them?  They should be camped at the security lines.

I just read about a young traveler who was denied boarding with her ES hamster … you don’t want to know the decision she made.

PETA could have “rescued” it … that’s all I’ll tell you!

Just sayin’ …