What do Trump, the Bible and Easter have in common?

The “Evangies” love him.

His base worships him.

His signed Bibles are selling on E-Bay for $500 a pop … that’s sale price not asking price.

The annual Prayer Breakfast attendees hang on his every word … even when he “prayed” for Arnie Schwarzenegger’s ratings to “go down right through the tubes” for his new role on the Apprentice.

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Trump’s Bible Fave  is “Two Corinthians” … which he confused with Corinthians II … and is usually pronounced “Second Corinthians.”

Referring to his favorite Bible passage “Two Corinthians,” Trump sounds like he’s starting a joke … “Two Corinthians and a candidate for President walk into a bar….”

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When it comes to living by the word of the Good Book, our “Bible Thumper in Chief,” stomps through the Word of God like Civil War General William Sherman marching through Atlanta torching the “Heart of the South.”

Here’s John 3:18 … one of a multitude of Bible references on the value of truth “….let us not love with words or speech, but with actions and in truth….” Hmm.

The truth is … as of March 2019 according to the WAPO … our “Commander in Myth” exceeded the 9,450 mark of “untruths” … which at various times have been explained as misspeaks, alternative facts, misinformed, misinformation, bad information, disagreement on facts … or in some cases flat out denials … even though video reveals the exact words/statements dropping from his lying lips.

That old joke … “Do you know when a lawyer’s lying?  When he opens his mouth!”

An apt description of our fearless bone spurred … “Liar in Chief.”

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As for Easter, our “Commander in Thief” has very little in common with either the Christian or the Pagan versions of this springtime rite of rebirth … new life … being born again … new starts … or even salvation.

Trump has broken nine of the Ten Commandments … and we’re still waiting for the promised murder … “I can shoot someone in the middle of 5th avenue….”

When Jesus said to turn the other cheek, “Spanky in Chief” thought he was totally Christtian based on his Stormy Daniels sex-capade with a rolled-up copy of Forbes magazine!

In that situation one has to ask… “WWJD” … “What Would Jesus Do?”

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Don’t dare ask about the Jesus water-to-wine miracle … we know from wine tasting competitions, that our “Winer in Chief” turns his “fine Virginia wine into water!”

Just sayin’ …

(May your Easter be filled with forgiveness … or chocolate … it’s your choice.)

Holy Trump-o-cados! Trump and the “Party of Guacamole”

It’s anticipated the US will run out of avocados within three weeks from the looming date of the US-Mexico border closing … depriving millions of their beloved guacamole.

If there’s no guacamole, the NFL’s stated … there’s no Super Bowl!

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Avocado futures have sky rocketed as have stocks in companies that produce “non-guac” dips.

As retail prices predictably soar, grocery stores report they’ll arm cashiers and sackers to patrol produce aisles to prevent “Avo-Theft.”  Management’s prepared to hire armed classroom teachers to work after-school-hours.

Produce Managers have been trained to scrape that telltale gray coloring from the top of the packaged guac … redact date codes … then reseal and return packages to the shelves … looking bright green and shiny.

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In Silicone Valley and other Hi Tech centers throughout the US, Millenials plan work slowdowns protesting what they call “this latest insult to the core of our being.”

Speaking for all Millenials, Lance Suckworth stated, “We’re sick and tired of this government’s s**t rolling downhill onto us.

“Student loans … the death of book stores where we could sit and read real books for free … Starbuck’s CEO acting like an ass, and now … no avocados for our avocado toast?

“You’re killing us!  We may as well become Socialists … at least we’d be as happy as they are in Greenland, Iceland and Denmark.”

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Frantic efforts to recreate and reconstruct the avocado’s molecular structure and thus avoid wasted growing time, is a full tilt effort in all federal laboratories.

Even the docs in the Centers for Disease Control have been commandeered.

According to VP Pence, “The Administration’s ordered CDC research docs to stop work on communicable diseases and reassigned them to fight this green tsunami of “Mexican Avo-Terrorism.  A little bit of flu is good for all of us.”

Pence stamped his little feet saying, “We can create the ‘Lab-a-cado!’  The US will not cave in to Terrorists!”

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Earlier in the week in an impromptu press gaggle, ‘45 stated, “The Mexican Haas avocado has always been inferior.  We will become known as the Avocado and Guacamole Nation!

“We’ll have the fattest, yellowest and most nutritious avocados ever made.

“We’ll call it the ‘Trump-a-cado.’  Mothers and babies will love them!

“Trust me on this!”

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Wait a minute … this just in … that crazy bastard Trump just announced that he’ll wait a year before closing the border.

Oh well … now we have a year for the research labs to produce the all new and improved “Lab-a-cado.”

Just sayin’ …

Warning! Warning! We have a “fatberg” in DC

What’s composed of fat, flushed waste … is yuge and biggly, clogs and blocks systems … costs millions of dollars to manage … and it does not temporarily live in the White House?

If you didn’t think I was being truthful and you guessed “You-Know-Who,” then you’d be wrong.

Though they have a lot in common, I was referring to a current 21st century waste management problem … hmm … which also sounds very familiar to our temporary resident in the White House.

We’re talking about a neologism coined in 2013 and added to the Oxford Dictionaries in 2015 … it’s the dreaded “fatberg.”

And apparently no one’s immune to fatbergs … urbanites, suburbanites and “ruralites.”

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If your mind’s not a part of our worldwide sewer system, you might not be aware that a “fatberg” is the mastodon of sewer clogs.  Fuh-ged-about your plumber’s helper plunger on sale for $5.72 at WalMart, as your “tool of choice!”

Think of your own 6” line running from your bathroom(s) to either your septic tank or street side sewer … only bigger … much, much bigger.

The most recent fatberg to make the news was discovered in Sidmouth, England … a heretofore little known seaside town that’s now known more for it’s Leaning Tower of Pisa sized clog of sludge, oil, defecation, Wetwipes, Tampons, condoms, and anything else dimwitted humans choose to flush down the loo.

The Sidmouth behemoth is 210 feet long … longer than six busses lined up.  That’s a lot of s**t!

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Sure the Brits have enough to worry about with Brexit … talk about another type of “clog” in the system.

But the poor Brits aren’t the only ones dealing with this 21st century sci-fi sewer monster.

Baltimore, Denver and NYC also are in the running for world class fatbergs.  In the last five years, Manhattan spent $18,000,000 fighting its fatbergs.

Talk about Whoppers!

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In 2017, a piece of the record breaking 150 ton 820 foot London fatberg was put on display in the Museum of London.

C’mon folks!  No wonder you can’t solve your Brexit problem!

What were you thinking when you put a shoebox sized glob of London sewer s**t on display?

Surprise … surprise … it started growing toxic mold and breeding flies.

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Hmm … I don’t want to gross you out … but maybe we do have hope for what we having clogging up our White House.

Now where did I leave my WalMart plunger?

Just sayin’ …

 

Trump … The Final Scene … I had a dream …

Dateline 2030 … Moscow … RT and Fox News exclusive … invitations sent worldwide.

Trump Tower Moscow lobby … a Russian flag and MAGA hat draped casket lies “in state” … closed.

Full military dressed dictators and ruling strongmen sit in the front rows … no “s**t hole countries” invited.

The crowd gasps … Trump, dressed in his personal powder-blue-fake-military-uniform, rips through the top of his casket … non sequiturs stream from his mouth … he’s shouting “No collusion” … “No collusion!”

His pale chubby little fingers bang at his cell phone sending posthumous tweets as he staggers stiffed legged Zombielike through his hotel’s faux gold lobby.

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Putin leaps to his feet and exclaims, “There’s no way we can stop him.”

When asked if US tax payers were on the hook for “Dead Donald’s Presidential Tweets,” Putin retorted, “Someone’s gotta pay.  We ain’t a bunch of Socialists.”

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The Javankas are represented by Ivanka … free after her 48 month sentence in a federal pen.

Jared has 3 more years to go … but was granted permission to view the funeral on a special prison feed.

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Back in the USA … actors in the longest running sitcom since “Big Bang Theory” … “At Home with the Conways” in its 10th consecutive season of live broadcasts … paused for 30 seconds of reverential silence.

Kellyanne, her head bowed, listens as husband George reads his final tweet to the audience … “Finally, our long national nightmare is over.”

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Mika and Joe … newly crowned MSNBC Hall of Fame Pundits … break from their torrid on set pseudo-coital gazes just long enough to disavow any attempt on their part to posthumously further the myth of Donald Trump.

Joe reminds everyone … “Way back in 2015, we were the first to disavow Trump’s suitability for public office.”

Fake News Banners immediately stream across the bottom of television screens.

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Fox and Friends sit glumly on their now tattered 2019 couch … dabbing faux tears … wondering aloud about their ratings if the Ex-President cannot somehow continue his constant diatribes.

They’re praying as loud as mullahs in the mosques for Trump to find the cosmic energy to continue his tweets from beyond the grave.

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In his Delaware home … Joe Biden struggles to his feet and faces cameras … “I’m seriously considering my candidacy for 2032 … all indications are positive … I’ve finally outlived everyone who remembers my atrocious voting record.

“I’m the only candidate who can win … I promise you … this time it’s for real!”

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Suddenly I get that middle-of-the-night-urge … wakeup and trundle to the bathroom.

Just sayin’ …

“Sex, Lies and Video Tape” What not to do while staying at Mar-a-Lago

Thanks to the wonder of the Internet, everyone now knows of curious and nefarious links between Florida’s Orchids of Asia Spa … its founder Li “Cindy” Yang … and Palm Beach’s  Mar-a-Lago … and its owner President (aargh I hate to say that) Trump.

As a dues paying member of the elite Mar-a-Lago greed obsessed set, Li Yang,  apparently star struck, posted a selfie … Trump prominent in the background … at the Mar-a-Lago 2019 Super Bowl LIII party.

Meanwhile, no one seemed to notice how loosey-goosey and relaxed Patriot’s owner Bob Kraft appeared in his owner’s box at the big game.

It wasn’t obvious what his elixir of calm was … but it wasn’t about a “drug of choice.”

According to the “instant replay and the video tape,” Kraft apparently participated in an “au naturel $59.95 Happy Ending” … offered at Orchids earlier that same day.

Sadly for those of a slimey disposition, a discount package for the “Full and Complete Services” offered by Orchids … including free transportation … is no longer listed on the Mar-a-Lago handout … “Things to do during your Mar-a-Lago stay.”

After the story about Kraft broke, one Patriot’s player said that Kraft pulled a Mafia styled disappearing act … or maybe a “Where’s Krafto?”

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Not satisfied with potential investigations for human trafficking, prostitution, kidnapping, tax evasion and money laundering … an undaunted Li Yang expanded her business endeavors by apparently setting up “Biz Meets” with ‘45 using her personal China connections.

For a fee … of course.

The legality of her “Trump connection business” is now under investigation … along with a host of Manafort-like schemes … referred to in the halls of the DOJ as the “Full Manafort Fraud Package.”

Sniff … sniff!  The stench of the intertwined DC Swamp Swimmers ’45 promised to get rid of reaches all the way to Florida’s East Coast.

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I’m just waiting to see ‘45’s name in print next to Jeffrey Epstein’s after the re-investigation of Epstein’s sex trafficking and serial child molesting West Palm Beach legal debacle.

To get the latest on those “party sex-oramas” involving the rich and infamous with under aged girls … just ask Dr. Google about “Alexander Acosta” … the ex-federal prosecutor who let Epstein and others walk … who is now a member of ‘45’s Cabinet … and  who may soon join other Trumpites looking at us from behind bars.

And the cells?  They’re getting crowded … Karma really is a Bitch!

Just sayin’ …

Stalin… Pickup Trucks … Socialism … Hamberders The Green New Deal

What’s green, new, backed by the first year democrats, and has the GOP scared outta their geriatric skin-folds?

It’s the Green New Deal (GND) … initiated by AOC and the “Wild Bunch” who’ve hit DC shakin’, rattlin’ and rollin’.

They have ideas … they’re impatient and expressing themselves “out of order” …  they’re not “doing their time” in Congress first.

They skipped the “Old White Male Rules of Congress” … lovingly referred to as the “OWM” … a copy of which was in their orientation pack.

And, guess what?  They’re not gonna read it … except in the bathroom … and only for Yuks!

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As soon as AOC went public with her Green New Deal, she was attacked with a barrage of well researched, scientific, economic, and political theories based on solid reason and deep thought.

Say what?

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Mitch “The 5th Ninja Turtle” McConnell plans to rush the GND to the senate floor where he hopes all 2020 presidential candidates will vote “Aye” … and self-immolate right in front of their senate desks.

Hey “Ninja Mitch,” are you aware that 58%-65% of all American voters support doing something about the disastrous effects of climate change and treating it as  “reality” … not “Reality TV?”

Say what?

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Meanwhile our “Liar-Liar-Pants-on-Fire” White House Tenant addressed CPAC and attacked the GND with this literate barb … “No planes.  No energy.  When the wind stops blowing, that’s the end of your electric” … later claiming “they want to take your car.”

When a massive study conducted by his own administration publicly stated that climate change poses a dire way-to-near-term threat to our future … the WH Tenant dismissed it with, “I don’t believe it.”

Say what?

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Claims that DNC socialists are playing into Stalin’s hands … the “cold dead ones” … and want to take away your pickup trucks and “hamberders” … a reference to methane farting cattle … one GOP “Funditz” compared the GND to a watermelon … “green on the outside … deep, deep communist red on the inside.”

Say, what?

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A Fox News contributor … yet another oxymoron guilty of moronic thinking … claimed that the “GND would lead to cannibalism … because we could only eat carrots and lettuce.”

Say, what?

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Not to be outdone, “Happy-go-Lucky” Ted Cruz … the new GOP standup comic star … quipped that he hoped PETA would support the GOP now that the DNC wants to kill our cows.

Ha, ha, Ted … PETA’s already all over your killin’-‘em-with-pain-slaughter-house farms … watch out what you wish for!

Just sayin’ …

Do I “Spark Joy?”

There’s a seismic shift in the works at our house.

Doesn’t have anything to do with tweeting … new presidential candidates joining the fray … border walls, barriers, slats or fences … New Green Deals or Green New Deals … Bezos’ genitalia or Robert Kraft’s sexual predicament.

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It does have to do with “the best gifts come in small packages” … and this one definitely does.

Say “kon’nichiwa” to the diminutive lady from Japan who has lit a fire in our house … and houses across the nation, too.

Her name’s Marie Kondo … her code name’s “KonMari” … she’s become the “Tidying-Up Goddess” of America … and has introduced her Shinto-Japanese art of de-cluttering and organizing to our western world of stuff addiction.

It involves “sparking joy!”

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According to the Goddess of Minimalism, it’s all about reversing your process of living.

Say what?

You’re telling me my happiness now requires that I throw my personal P-R-N-D-L into reverse?  Why not just tell me to stand on my head while juggling eggs!

That’ll give me a new perspective … on cleaning up.

But … like all “I’ve-got-the-answer-you-didn’t-know-you-were-looking-for” gurus, Kondo reassures us that it’s really very simple.

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Hey … this isn’t my first rodeo … I’ve moved 12 times and I’ve got no problem tossing stuff into the ever growing landfills of American Consumerism.

In my mind, it’s just “stuff.”

Enter KonMari … and with one phrase she confronts the eternal question:  “What stuff gets pitched?”

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Marie Kondo says it isn’t just throwing stuff away.

The KonMari process is all about selecting the stuff that stays … and in the process transforming your environment from living amidst mind clogging stuff that needs to be dusted … tripped over … vacuumed … into only the stuff that “brings you joy.”

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You can forget the dumpster exercise when you ask yourself a seemingly simple question … “Does this possession bring me joy?”

If “Yes” … it’s earned an honored place in your world.  If “No” … thank it for its service and send it to someone who may “find joy” in it.

You’ve now created an environment where you dust and fuss less … and enjoy more.  You’re now in KonMari’s win-win world.

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Oh … BTW, you might want to make sure you’re a “Personal Joy Sparker” in your newly clean and de-cluttered home.

That way you won’t find yourself in a bag destined for the local Thrift Shop … or standing outside peeking through the window with a forlorn ”not-sparking-joy-look” on your face.

Just sayin’ …

Range Wars: “Mama, don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys …”

1954 … Saturday … I hop my bike and pedal to the theater for the Matinee and a box of Milk Duds.

It’s a western … a Range War … between the ranchers who want wide open grazing lands and the sheep herders … the “nesters” … who want fences to keep their sheep from wandering.

The cowboys hate the nesters … beat ‘em up whenever they see ‘em … sometimes kill ‘em.

The white-hatted-hero appears … singlehandedly guns down a bunch of black-hatted-cowboys … rescues the sheepherder’s daughter … settles down with her to raise sheep and no longer roams the Wild West.

The Range War’s over … and the cowboys lost.

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2019 … the ranchers … now called cattlemen … are up-in-arms again.

This time it’s not sheepherders … this time they’ve declared war on those damn vegans and vegetarians.

It’s all about their “meatless meat” … tastes like meat, smells like meat, cooks like meat … but is plant based and “meat free.”

If this “meatless meat” catches on … what’s gonna happen with all their damn methane-farting-Beevees?

Yep … it’s a modern Range War … but nowadays cowboys can’t gallop down supermarket aisles blasting away at poor hapless “meatless meat eaters.”

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So this war’s being fought in the courts.

And they’re arguing over … “When is meat not a meat?”

The cowboys say … you can’t use our word for “meat” … which is “meat” … especially since your “meat” doesn’t have any “meat” in it.

Uhh … listen up, cowboys … that’s hardly a bumper sticker slogan … and definitely not suitable for the ass end of a Beevee!

You need a little old lady yelling, “Whar’s the beef?”  But Wendy’s beat you to that.

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And you need to pay attention to inconvenient but binding legal precedent … the dairymen already sued over “milk” when they took the nut growers to court and said, “We own milk.”  Your almonds aren’t “milk.”  You can’t “milk an almond.”  You can call it almond anything … but not Almond “Milk.”

Hmm, last time I was hunting and gathering in the grocery store, I saw Almond “Milk” still for sale.  Appears that’s another war that didn’t work so well for ya.

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Plant eaters may not look rough and tough … but then neither did the nesters or the nut farmers.  And you didn’t exactly mop up the Wild West when you declared war on them.

You might want to reconsider your little “Plant Eater War” and turn to raising fartless-methane-free-Beeves.

The atmosphere would thank you … and you wouldn’t be seen as a wild bunch of thoughtless thugs picking on plant-loving humans.

Just sayin’ …

Could Orange be the New Black … Face?

This just in …

Seriously Absurd reports a vast movement sweeping the US … apparently a spinoff fueled by the Blackface appearance of Virginia Governor Ralph Northam and Attorney General Mark Herring.

In support of public racists … latent racists are moving “out-of-the-closet” popping up wearing “Orangeface.”

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It’s the “Rage” and the White House is … enraged.

Stunned Republicans called for the impeachment of Nancy Pelosi … and the appointment of a Special Investigator to get to the bottom of this clear and present danger.

Democrats have been spotted sneakily snickering in committee meetings … and in town hall meetings … they’ve been forced to wear Depends fearing they’ll wet their pants in glee.

According to one Congressman, “For the first time in 2½ years we’ve got something to be happy about!”

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Delivering their opening monologues in “Orangeface” … Late Night TV comics experienced ratings tsunamis.

Recognizing an opportunity … Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper launched their latest solo-duet … “You might hate me in Black … but you’ll love me in Orange.”

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Special KKK rallies supporting these new racists have sprung up throughout the South … with Klanspeople dancing manically in their new “Orange Rally Robes” around huge bonfires stoked by blazing orange flames.

Not wanting to be left out, counter protesting Black Lives Matter groups are busy hanging “Orangeface” effigy dolls from balconies, tree limbs, yard arms, flag poles, and bus stops.

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An orange food coloring shortage has Amazon scrambling to fulfill orders.

To keep up with the 1000’s of daily requests, Amazon employees have suspended participation in all office pools related to the size and identifiable markings on Jeff’s dick.

One Amazonian was quoted as saying, “We’re psyched … it’s like we really have a purpose now.  Everyone deserves to have a viable supply of orange coloring that’s safe to ingest and easy to use.”

On condition of anonymity … another Amazon worker said … “We’re 100% behind Jeff’s Dick Wars against Pecker’s Pecker.”

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SNL favorite Alec Baldwin steadfastly refuses to disclose his source for his trademark “Trump Orangeface.”

According to Baldwin, “It’s a closely held NBC secret.  Even if you water-boarded me … I wouldn’t reveal it.”

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The national leadership of the NAACP states that they see no racial implications for the “Orangeface” rage.

According to one spokesman, “We’re aware of only one person with an ‘Orangeface’ … and frankly we don’t care what you do to insult or embarrass that Motherf***er.”

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Yes, Virginia … there is an “Orangeface” … and it’s definitely replaced Blackface.

Just sayin’ …

What’s Valentine’s Day without “SweetHearts?”

 

Next Thursday’s Valentine’s Day.  Do you want the VDay good news … or the VDay bad news first?

To Hell with it … you get the bad news first.

Necco … makers of Sweetheart candies is gonzo … kaput … bankrupt.

Their small candy hearts … the ones that are so hard they break your teeth, taste like sidewalk chalk, and come imprinted with those dumbass sayings like “Love Bug” … will be hard to find on the shelves for VDay 2019.

And if you can believe it … they’ll taste even worse because the last production run was late July 2018 … “The Day the Necco Died!”

To add insult to injury since they’re now “collector’s items” … they’ll cost you a small candy-fortune … over $20/pound.

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Now … for the good news.

Necco was purchased by the same investment group that brought Hostess Foods’ venerable Twinkies back from the dead … which they turned into a billion dollar nationwide diabetes and obesity feeder.

And they’re promising that the totally inedible little SweetHearts … which rank worse on the “Bad-Seasonal-Candy-Scale” than Halloween candy corn and Easter Peeps … will make a Twinkie sized comeback for VDay 2020.

Who said Capitalists don’t have “hearts?”

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So … for those of you who are complete losers and have so little imagination that you rely on SweetHearts for your Sweet Heart … you’re SOL … S**t Outta Luck for VDay 2019!

Here’s a Seriously Absurd endorsed strategy.

If you’re able to score SweetHearts … and your Sweetie is “date code” conscious … take them outta the package and tie them in little bundles with cutesy curly red ribbon.

Then as a kick-off to an entertaining “Day of Love” … stage a “Sweet Heart SweetHearts Treasure Hunt” as a start to your VDay.

If your Love is a bit skeptical, incentivize her on this “Love T-Hunt” with cold champagne at each hidey spot.

With any luck and enough SweetHeart bundles … she’ll be drunky-poo by the end of the hunt and either fall asleep … or lucky you … be raring to go for VDay romp in the rose petals.

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If you have any sense and a creative bone in your body … salacious pun intended … try this DIY VDay extravaganza.

Bake a batch of small’ish heart shaped cookies and decorate each cookie with your own version of SweetHearts “love-slogans.”

Just remember … we’re in the “Me,Too” era.

So cute little references to “grabbing genitalia,” “how about a threesome” or references to “50 Shades of Grey” … probably won’t help you reach your VDay goal.

Just sayin’ …