Disneytizing Grimm Tales

Many of us spent our childhoods watching Disney films thinking that “When we wished upon a star …” good things would happen.

Walt and his minions at Disney sanitized stories … whitewashing the blood, gore and fear from early fairy tales … brainwashing millions who are now confused, old, people … totally unprepared for our current world!

If Walt had been smarter, he’d taken a lesson from the Brothers Grimm, Carlo Collodi, Hans Christian Andersen and the myriad of other moralists who told it like it was.

Back then, when we misbehaved, told lies, or didn’t wash behind our ears … there was “Hell fire and damnation to pay!”

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Look at Cinderella.

In the “Disneytized” version … podophiliac Prince finds girl with perfect foot … slips shoe on foot … kisses newly-foot-crowned princess … they live happily ever after.

Jake and Willy … those Brothers Grimm … had more imagination even though “Menchikaboolaroo” was never mentioned in their tale.

In the grim version … “If the ‘shoe don’t fit,’ you must … cut off some toes or slice the heel.”

So instructed the Grimms’ warped mother when she gave her daughters a butcher knife and demanded they … “put their best foot forward!”

At “Shoe Time” … the Prince thought something wasn’t quite right when he noticed a gnarly bloody foot headed toward his glass Jimmy Choo.

Hey … no one said the wicked mother was a Mensa Society Grand Dame and not just another greedy mother insisting her daughters “marry up.”

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Take a quick hop over the Alps to Italy for another Disney remake … Pinocchio … in which Walt collides with Pinocchio’s creator, Carlo Collodi.

“Happily-ever-after” Walt brings Pinocchio to life, escaping the perils of his own wooden-headed-stupidity … and allows him to continue as a happy little boy skipping down the lane with a moralizing chirp-talking cricket perched on his shoulder.

Collodi’s Pinocchio was no Disney creation.  Walt had a redemptive and moralistic side to him and his Pinocchio revealed that!

Collodi, however, wanted to tell the truth about children … especially boys.  He thought boys basically were “scummy little rodents” …  dirty, disobedient and grubby little liars.

And the townfolks agreed with Collodi thinking he was pretty damn accurate.

Instead of “happily ever after,” Collodi’s wooden-wonder-boy was hanged by his pencil-thin neck by angry townfolk …  when he told one too many lies.

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Hmmm … could be if “Little-Boy-Trumpty” had seen this version instead of the “Dizneytized” one, he might’ve thought twice about telling over 5,000+ lies as President.

Too late now … but there’s always hope for a “public lynching.”

Just sayin’ …

Wretched, wretched cauliflower!

If you think those veggie-loving-deprive-us-of-our-meat-and-chicken-and-fish crazies were intrusive when they pushed, shoved and catapulted kale into our veggie-less lives  … then you ain’t seen nuttin.’

Wait ‘til you see what the cauliflower huggers are up to!

Those bumpy white knobby looking monadnocks of the veggie world were what you bought because there were no other veggies available that day!

Now it has its own fricking bin … and all of a sudden they’re in every aisle of the store … extruded, boxed, dried, frozen, flattened, or creamed.

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Don’t be telling me about how good cauliflower is for me.  I’m not really interested in the low-calorie-no-fat-high-everything-else numbers.

I’m only interested in wondering when I’ll bite into a bacon cheese burger and discover some form of cauliflower … instead of cheese, beef or … OMG … bacon!

Just how far will these veggie hugging maniacs go?

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Aaargh … leave it to California … the golden raisin paradise for all the true food crazies in the USA.

They’re serving Cauliflower T-bone, Prime Cotê de Cauliflower and thick slabs of cauliflower to unsuspecting carnivores.

According to one food critic … these “cauli-steaks absolutely sing with flavor.”  And they’re served without ketchup!

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As for market comparisons with any of the other “trendy veggies,” the data … yes at times I do look at data … indicates that cauliflower sales have a rough time just keeping up with its dreaded green Italian cousin … broccoli!

There’s no way it sells like kale … or sweet potatoes, fresh corn, or even a head of crappy iceberg lettuce.

In fact … it appears that all this hullabaloo over cauliflower may be nothing more than smart ad campaigns and “payola” … instead of pay for play … we have pay for menu spots!

Something’s rotten … and it ain’t in Denmark!

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To Hell with Cauliflower pizza crust … rice … and puffed cauli-pretzels.

Boooorrrrr-ing!

If we’re gonna bastardize this recognizable crunchy, knobby, white veggie mound that’s usually a leftover on the crudité plate … then let’s go all out!

Fermented St. Cauli Girl IPA … or California Cauli Box Wine … extruded knobby little Cauli Crax sprinkled with a hint of Sea Salt.

Or even better … trick your kids into eating it … a box of Puffed Cauliflowerettes … different colors … coated with brown sugar and surrounded by mini  marshmallows … a bright pink dancing pig with a cauliflower hat on the box front!

Just sayin’ …

The Canadians are attacking … The Canadians are attacking!

Yep … the coastline and estuaries of Maine and Massachusetts are under attack by Canadian savages.

In this case … by an ultra-aggressive crustacean … dubbed the “cockroach of the sea” because “once ya got ‘em ya just can’t get rid of ‘em” … Canadian Green Crabs.

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Since these miniature replicas of the cult SciFi movie “Attack of the Crab Monsters” are exiting Canada, the Canadian effort to curtail their population is underwhelming.

“Let ‘em Go South” and “Sic ‘em Crabbies” parties are held every weekend by enthusiastic Canadians who are tired of all the tariff bullying … insults hurled at their poster boy Prime Minister … and criticisms of their beer and scarlet serge Mountie uniforms emanating from south of their border.

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But … by violating US borders … especially without proper papers … these hard shelled Pit Bulls of the ocean may face massive US retaliation.

Perhaps even family separation … Green Crab Internment Camps in the hot Texas sun … or arrest and transport back to Canada!

God forbid if “you-know-who” in the White House catches a Fox & Friends’ discussion of these “Illegals” crawling sideways across our border from Canada!

Do I hear “Build a Sea Wall … Canada will pay for it?”

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On the commercial front of this “We Got Crabs War” … and true to our best practices … we’re looking to China to invent an automatic crab meat vacuum that sucks the meat right out of the little green beasts … Aaaah, good ‘ole American ingenuity!

Plus … since we’re the only predators of the Green Crab … led by the famed restaurateurs … Legal Seafoods, Boston … we’re frantically searching for ways to soothe our capitalist instincts and make money off the little buggers.   Crab Fests … Green Crab broths … seasonal dishes are migrating onto restaurant menus … we may soon have a new trendy seafood item!

Can The Food Network be the crabs’ next stop?  “The secret ingredient for tonight’s Top Chef is … the Green Crab!”

And in Massachusetts, Crab Warrior Bounty Hunters dump 1000’s of pounds of the crustaceans in organic farm compost fills … at 40 cents per pound!

And just like those sneaking across our southernmost border, these immigrants are also “of color” … this time green!

Just sayin’ …

The Lob-stah Pot …

Life’s falling apart in Maine … the State of hard-rock-logical-thinkers … down to earth farmers … “ya cahn’t get thaih from hearh” direction givers … and of course, Steven King’s throat curdling life threatening horror novels!

“Yeahup” … that Maine.

Home of Maine lob-stah … the lob-stah roll … lob-stah Thermidor, Newburg, bisque … or any of the bazillion other ways to serve the red crustaceans.

“What?” you say.

Rock-bed Maine falling apart?  Tell me … tell me more!

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Before you report me to PETA … or call my therapist … or my wife … let me offer you a disclaimer about, Maine lob-stahs and state drug laws.

Maine has lob-stahs in abundance … Maine is also somewhat-quasi-nearly-okay with recreational pot … and, Maine has a lot of lob-stah pots, too.

So it’s evident that Maine, lob-stahs and pot or pots, all work together harmoniously.

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Is it any wonder, therefore, that at least one zany Maine restaurateur … for those of you who are not conversant in menu French, that’s “a person who owns or is known to be in the restaurant business” … has blended all three of these ideas into one news grabbing, Maine shattering moment.

So relax all you believers that animals of all sorts/kinds feel our pain … if only we could feel theirs.

You now have a new idol to follow … Charlotte Gill, owner and head chef at Charlotte’s Legendary Lobster Pound.

This leading Maine-iac culinary artist‘s “smoking” her lob-stahs by placing them into tanks of cold water infused with “Maryjane-reefer-marijuana-dope-pot” smoke.

According to Gill, she thinks a stoned lobstah is a happier crustacean as it’s plunged to its inevitable end.

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I’m just a simple Florida Boy who don’t know nuttin’ about Maine type lob-stahs.

But it’s quite possible that this is a waste of good Maine dope.

What we need is a “lob-stah whisperer” who can determine a level of “lob-stah happiness.”  Otherwise we should let Charlotte live in her own web of humane treatment of lob-stah … regardless of whether they “feel pain.”

And … just a thought … if we can produce vintageless wine via molecular analysis and reconstruction … and 3D print edible pizza … why don’t we concentrate our collective scientific thought to spare those real and alive lob-stah and produce “fake” lob-stah for our culinary lob-stahphiles?

Besides … when was the last time you complained about the fake crab meat in your Sushi?

Just sayin’ …

Franken-trump

“I’ll have a pepperoni pizza … extra cheese … oh, and a new set of ears, please.”

3D printers are here … and they work.  Consternation, outrage and “OMG-we’re-going-to-destroy-ourselves” are building.

Maybe right-wing-reactionary-crowds won’t focus so much on wiping Hillary & Helen Keller from Texas history books … or ripping out the “magic pages” from Harry Potter library books … or during the Holidays, continue the freedom-fight to yell “Merry Christ-Mass” at Jews walking to Synagogue.

With 3D printers in the wrong hands … or maybe they’re the “right hands” … we’re sure to witness yet another major cultural upheaval.

Mary Shelley … as ye be rolling in your 1851 grave … make way for the “New and Improved Frankenstein!”

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It isn’t much of a leap of faith to move from 3D pizza … molecular constructed   vintage wines … and vegan beef … to bridge the creation abyss of real life and human creation a la Dr. Victor Frankenstein … who crudely stitched stolen body parts together to create his “new life.”

Creating “life” as a lab experiment is here … and we’re surely not ready for it.

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In the 3D Frankenstein Realm of created body parts, we already have human ears … maybe President Obama would be interested in a less Dumbo-like set.

The Dutch recently fitted a woman with a full-sized-see-thru skull … which didn’t look a bit like an NFL helmet.

And IKEA’s teamed up with gaming folks to 3D print chairs for those addicted fulltime gamers who suffer from “numbass.”  Their butts’re scanned … then a 3D printer builds a butt pad based on exact replication of their ass contours.

Another contribution to better living … or at least fewer hemorrhoids.

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And we all know who’s vitally interested in 3D printer replications … of himself.

Seriously Absurd has it on good authority that Nixon’s bowling alleys are gonezo … replaced by a flock of 3D printers running amok in the White House basement.

Under the guidance of none other than “Mad Doc Ronny Jackson” … erstwhile and disgraced Physician to the President … 3D’ers spit out various and sundry body parts … based on you-know-who’s DNA, cells and blood.

It’s only a matter of time before Robert Mueller won’t know who to charge … the House won’t know who to impeach … and the Senate won’t know who to convict.

The stage is set for the Mother of all 3D Nightmares … occurring right under our taxpayer noses … emerging piece-by-piece … it’s “Frankentrump.”

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I rarely pray … but I am now …

Just sayin’ …

Geraldo’s Back … and yelling, “Vault, vault? Did someone mention a vault?”

In an unanticipated Reality TV coupe de tȃte, diehard Trumpest Geraldo Rivera has volunteered to seek out the alleged documents sealed in David Pecker’s National Enquirer safe.

Leaning on the success he had with the search for Al Capone’s vault … Geraldo’s busy seeking a TV special broadcast contract with anybody who will return his calls.

Trump has already tweeted that he thinks Geraldo’s a “nice guy and fully capable of cracking Pecker’s safe.”  Trump also disavows all knowledge of the contents of the safe.

Pecker was not available for comment.

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Rumors abound about the safe’s contents.

According to the FBI it most likely contains self incriminating love letters between Trump and his BFF, Vladie Boy.

According to the three top FBI agents in the history of the Bureau … Comey, Strzok and McCabe … the safe could contain copies of the Selfies used by Vlad depicting Trump in compromising situations with the Russian President … and his horse … without shirts.

Pecker was available … but refused to comment.

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Congressional Republican Devin Nunes, chair of the House Intelligence Committee … a misnomer if there ever was one … and the guy who has stated that it’s his mission to singlehandedly derail the Mueller investigation … has called a special meeting of the Committee to require Democrats on the committee to find the safe, secure the documents, and deliver them directly to him so he can sneak them to the Oval office in the dead of night … any night … since he’s always up for a clandestine trip.

Pecker was spotted in public … wearing duct tape over his mouth.

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Meanwhile, Melania has secretly hired Omarossa to inveigle Pecker into giving her the combination to the safe so she … Melania … could read the documents first … remove all photos of her … and then return all documents to Pecker so AMI could start running all the stories about her soon-to-be-ex-husband.

The First Lady’s Office issued a statement that apparently indicates she no longer cares … and asks the question, “Would you?”

This change in the wording on her infamous designer jacket is her final word on whether she really cares … maybe … we think … or maybe not.

Pecker, though he did not comment … was seen scampering back to AMI headquarters with a Cheshire cat grin on his face.

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Meanwhile, the crack Seriously Absurd Safe Cracker Committee has located the Pecker safe and unloaded the contents.

Guess what?

The contents once and for all confirm that Trump’s an incompetent-womanizing-bigoted-racist-misogynist-lying-dirt-bag.

Glad we could clear up that piece of news.

Just sayin’ …

“National Enquirer’s” Furious Bat Boy Flips on Trump

Bat Boy … enraged over all the money thrown around salacious Trump affairs … is telling everybody that he’s totally pissed … and he’s contacted Special Counsel Mueller and the SDNY to schedule “tell all” sessions concerning his relationship to President Donald Trump.

Yes … that Bat Boy.

The one who first appeared on tabloid covers in 1992 … who starred in an Off Broadway musical in 1997 … and was photographed on top of a NYC subway in 2006.

Bat Boy … who entered the political arena in 2008 … initially endorsing John McCain for president but later switching to Barrack Obama when he regained his senses.

Also in 2008 … he popped up in organized protests for Prop 8 … can anyone even remember WTF Prop 8 was all about?

So long ago!

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But now with the public emergence of a character actually more despicable than he is, Bat Boy’s re-entered our world demanding that the Enquirer reinstate his spot on their cover!

“Who’s this Trump Bitch, anyway?” questions Bat Boy.

“I’ve graced more tabloid covers than he’s even thought about.  In fact, I may have been on more covers than Trump and David Pecker’s arch enemy … Hillary!”

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Bat Boy alleges his story will blow the minds … what minds they can claim … of the staunchest hard core Trump Supporters.  It’s guaranteed to capture more air time than The Donald even thought about.

“He’s met the Master of Reality TV.  I’ll make Apprentice look like amateur hour and nothing but bulls**t hogwash.

“Put my face on the screen and they’ll forget Omaroso-three-name, Michael “I Sing like a Coal Mine Canary” Cohen and even that slime-ball-scum-bag-tax- cheating-Commie-hugger, Paul Manafort!

“I’m the real deal … the truth will win out!”

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Bat Boy voiced total support for the flip of David Pecker.  “That Peckerwood Pecker’s just like Trump.  In fact … they both still owe me money.

“They promised me they would send me to world class surgeons … that I’d be welcomed at Miss Universe Contests … that world class Slovenian models would flaunt their bodies at me … “Celebrity Apprentice” babes would take one look and get naked!”

“And … what did I get?  Nothing … zilch … nada … zero!  Now it’s time to say … ‘Hello’ again!”

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“Yes, Donald John Trump … temporary President of the United States … now it’s time for me to say to the world … ‘Hi, Dad … bet you wish you’d used a condom!’”

Just sayin’ …

Space Balls USSF

The truth’s out for the 1001st time … we have a balls-out seriously insane man lurching through the halls of our White House impersonating a US President.

Now he wants to go to alternative universes … as if he wasn’t already in one.

He’s entered the realm of surreal absurdity with a presidential push to create a 6th branch of the US military … the Space Force!

No one’s had the guts to tell “L’Orange” that our “Space Force” already exists as the Air Force Space Command … operating from Peterson Air Force Base … with a command population of 38,000 people.

Fortunately, the Seriously Absurd crack committee … Military Expansion Planning for the Future … has stumbled on documents produced for President Dimwit.

Power Point … gobs of photos … words limited to make him smarter than someone’s fifth grader … describing the United States Space Force … USSF!

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Trump had so much success with “Trump U,” he wants to be the Commandant of the USSF Academy.

He’ll get to wear his designer academy military uniforms … featuring merit badges for his political successes … topped off with a tinfoil dunce cap.

And, there’ll be a football team … cheerleaders provided by the biggest losers in the NFL … the Cleveland Browns.

BREAKING NEWS:  We have the first USSF team cheer:  “Flim … Flam … Scam … Scam … We really don’t care … do you?”

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Dean of the Academy?  Mel Brooks … who else … producer and director of “Space Balls.”  With his anglicized surname, Trump’s got no clue that Brooks is Jewish.

Dean of the School of Rocket Science … Captain James Kirk … late of the Starship, USS Enterprise.

Dean of the School of Alien Contact and Visitation … Giorgio A. Tsoukalos … currently a consultant for the debunked History Channel series, “Ancient Aliens” … the home of pseudoscience and pseudohistory.  Damn the facts, full steam ahead!

Dean of the School of Interstellar Culinary Replication … Neelix … from Star Trek: Voyager … culinary artist and master of the Replicator … think 21st Century 3D Printing.  Guns & pizzas for all!

According to Commander Trump, “I love all these guys … they have a face for TV, all their teeth and more than ½ a brain … which is more than I can say for my Base!”

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A Trump re-election PAC’s already launched Logo selection.  Only donors get to vote.

So it looks like Trumpians have found yet another way to raise money off the government … plus there’s no promise they’ll use the “most popular logo.”

The GOP’s finally enacted “Pay to Vote” … all credit cards accepted … good luck all you suckers!

Just sayin’ …

Step Away from that Chicken!

I can hear the Poultry Police now … “Okay Lady, drop the chicken!  Put your hands in the air and step away from that chicken!”

Sound crazy?  Not so much.

You never know who out there’s a Chicken Hugger … or worse, a Chicken Licker … or Kisser!

The next person you pass on the sidewalk, or offer a friendly hug … or worse a peck-peck on the cheeks … may be, could be … a Chicken Hugger!

And before you get your gender-bias-panties in a wad, understand that the statistics … yes there’s data … indicate that overwhelmingly women are more apt to fall into the category of “Chicken Huggers and/or Kissers” than are men!

A big feathery thank you to the Seriously Absurd crack Backyard Chicken Farmer Data Collection Team!

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The Centers for Disease Control predicts that we may be in for a challenging battle with a pesky zoonotic disease outbreak!

Aha, you say … WTF is a zoonotic disease?

Well, SA and the CDC have that answer … zoonotic diseases are the ones that can be passed from an animal to a human.

And, yes Ms. Backyard Chicken Farmer … that includes your pretty little flock of cute and cuddly peeps and cluck-clucks … the Typhoid Mary’s of at least 10 of the main zoonotic diseases.

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The recent suburban rage of backyard chicken farming and the subsequent anthropomorphizing of said birds have the CDC … and this Blogger … very concerned.

It’s one thing to make sure your coop’s clean enough for your chickens.  It’s another thing to be cuddling, kissing and licking your birds.

Live chickens are not … I repeat … are not “finger lickin’ good” … in spite of what that fat, old, white, Southern Colonel tells you!

And lips that have brushed a chicken … shall not brush mine!

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I know it’s cute and a lot of fun to name your birds.  And they do help control the gecko population.

We know you surreptitiously give them the run of your house.  And for the umpteenth time, you invite them to share your lap and La-Z-Boy to watch the 2016 release of “Chicken People” … which BTW earned top ratings from the Rotten Tomatoes movie critics.

But … the fact is they’re still chickens … they scratch around in chicken s**t … they eat bugs … they peck in their droppings … and I’ve never seen one in a bird bath.

Which gives new meaning to that hackneyed expression … “You dirty bird!”

Just sayin’ …

Soy Beans … Willie Nelson … and Chick-fil-A

Earlier we rallied for the pig farmers and how they’d been screwed by the Trump Tariffs when all they wanted to do was sell their damn pigs … ears and all!

Pig farmers appeared on all the news shows … except FOX … and along with their sows and boars … they whined, oinked and grunted about their problem.

Enter the soy farmers … replacing the piglets as TV agri-stars … with a week of bellyaching about the same damn tariffs screwing with all their soy beans.

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Called on once again, the Crack-Soy-Bean-Research-Team at Seriously Absurd is going to bat for the heroes of vegans, vegetarians and Chinese takeout owners everywhere!

Not to be outdone by ‘45’s crappy John Deere green farmer hats, Seriously Absurd has designed the ultimate Soy Farmer protest cap and coordinated tee … now available at our Seriously Absurd Protest of the Week Outlet Store … serviced by Amazon.com!

Yes … you too, can proudly make a statement with this red-white-and-blue ensemble … “Make Soy Great Again” … you can also “Make Tofu Great Again” … or “I Drink Soy Shots!” … or if you wanna be balls-out for the soy farmers, try our “F**K China – Eat Edamame!”

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The Food Network joined the Soy War on China with plans to launch “Master Chinese Chef Takeout Cookoff” … highlighting family size takeout featuring tons-and-tons of the humble little beans.

Park your fat asses in front of the TV … unload your cartons of soy beaned Chinese takeout and vote for the Best Takeout Chef in each episode.

Winners will be featured in a final week long … Chinese Takeout Cookoff – American Style!

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Jeff Beezos just announced that Whole Foods and Amazon are “All in” for fighting this war.

Beezos states that The Soy Wars will be the best thing for America since Robert Redford’s 1988 film … “The Milagro Beanfield War!”

“We’re reducing the price of all our soy products and promise free same day delivery on all soy based foods!  Prime members will receive an additional 20% off!”

Chick-fil-A’s precious cows have been drafted for “Eat More Soy” commercials showing 24-7!

Willie Nelson’s launched a new additive for gasoline … Willie’s Soy Oil!

“My last venture into the gas world wasn’t that great … but I think I’ve nailed it with my new Soy Oil!” says the ecstatic 85 year old druggedout, traveledout, sungout, country boy Nelson.

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We owe it to our soy bean farmers … grab your hats and tee shirts … storm the doors of Whole Foods, march on the Chinese Takeout in your ‘hood, gas up with Willie’s Soy Oil, and do your part for the humble little bean we love to hate!

Just sayin’ …