“This just in …”

Now that ‘45 has scuttled the North Korea summit, we at Seriously Absurd international headquarters wonder about the following:

Will the Nobel Peace Prize score card remain at … Trump zero, nada, zilch, a big empty bag of windy threats … Obama one?

Word in DC is that Kim canceled the meeting several days ago … ‘45’s “Dear Kim Letter” is a feeble attempt to save his wrinkly, orange, face-lift-face!

Will Trump Enterprises put the commemorative “non-summit” coin on EBay as a   “yuuge” and “biggly” deal?  A tasteless grand display in the lobby of the Trump International D.C. would work, too.

‘45 claims that any war in Korea … which is now inevitable … will be paid for by Japan and South Korea … they’ll be billed as soon as he collects from Mexico.

Michael Avenatti displayed a new commemorative profile coin of Trump & Stormy!  According to Avenatti, “Finally, the Orange Blob in the White House had a good idea!”

‘45 demands new Nobel category … “Tweet Lit!”  Calls for his immediate nomination … and, to close further names for consideration.

Eric and Junior already in talks with Kim for new Trump Towers in Pyongyang.  For Trump Deplorables … that’s the capital of North Korea.

Did Trump confuse Kim Jong-un with that “other Kim” … Kim Kardashian?

Trump books golf foursome for June 12th in case Kim wants to reschedule … he’s already booked!

What do we do with the 18 dumbest members of the House who nominated our “Grand Diplomat” to the Nobel committee … who now stand with Nobel Egg all over their collective faces?

Where’s Dennis Rodman, the true “Kim Whisperer,” when we need him?  Maybe Rodman should’ve penned that “Dear Kim Letter” … it would’ve been more coherent!

Word in from Norway … there’s a popup street party tonight … wild celebration led by the “Nobel Peacers!”  Trump to be burned … unfortunately in effigy.

Without a summit meeting, ‘45 has plenty of time, between golf outings, to meet with Special Counsel, Robert Mueller.  Rudy’s ecstatic … eyes bulging and crossing more than ever as he paces and chants, “He’ll sit … He’ll sit … Praise the Lord, he’ll sit!”

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But wait … Breaking News from the Looney Tunes North Korean leader!

The Trump-Kim Mega Nuclear love fest may be … could be … sorta possibly be on again.  Who knows?

Could the “No Nukes-Yes Nukes” reality show be renewed?

Stay tuned and expect a “You’re Fired!” from either side in the season finale … and hope it doesn’t involve nuclear missiles.

Just sayin’ …

Message for Paul Ryan … “Don’t tug on Superman’s cape!”

I sure am glad GOP Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan’s slinking off to the hills of Wisconsin at the end of his term.  I just wish it were sooner.

In the meantime … here’s a bit of advice, Paul.

As you leave DC before the door hit’s you in the ass … “Don’t Mess Around with Jim” … as it says in Jim Croce’s hit song:

“ …. You don’t tug on Superman’s cape
You don’t spit into the wind
You don’t pull the mask off that old lone ranger
And you don’t mess around with Jim ….”

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The House Chaplain’s name is Father Patrick Conroy … not Jim

But for Ryan and the rest of the GOP, it’s the lyrics that contain the message … not the name.

Unless you really know what you’re doin’, you don’t screw with Jesuits … and you sure don’t mess with God.

But that’s apparently what happened when Saint Paul sent his emissary over to “fire” the House Chaplain.

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Way to go Paul … I guess you were auditioning for a spot on “45’s” sayonara episode of “White House Reality” by saying “You’re Fired” anyway but in-person.

Technically, Gutless Paul didn’t actually fire the Chaplain … he just asked him to resign based on some cockamamie accusations by the Evangelical Right Wing Tribalists in the House.

The move by Ryan … just months before the end of the Chaplain’s term … created open warfare between the Catholics and the Evangelical Protestants in the House.

We’re lucky that Martin Luther didn’t commit a “Walking Dead” cameo and hammer his “95 Theses” on the House Chamber doors!  You might recall that some folks think that was the beginning of the Protestant Reformation.

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But … instead of retiring quietly into the night, the Reverend-Father-High-Holiness Conroy sought advice … which led him to quickly withdraw his letter of forced resignation.

As if we didn’t have enough problems to deal with!

Saint Paul, who earlier tripped over his own “you-know-what,” quickly surrendered and withdrew his request … which may have averted a Holy War!

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Who among us even knew the House had a Chaplain?

Who among us knew his only stated duty was to open each session of the House with a prayer?  BTW – that’s only 135 days a year!

Who among us knew his office staff and operating expense costs us almost $800,000 a year … of which $172,500 is his salary?

Who among us knew the cost to the US taxpayer is almost $1700 per prayer?

I want his job!

Just sayin’ …

Trump Receives long awaited “Take Home Exam”

Rudy Giuliani’s joined the “Prison-Orange-Is-The-New-Trump-Orange” … so we gotta keep Trump outta jail crack legal team.

As he prepares for a first date with “I-Don’t-Kiss-And-Tell” Bob Mueller … Rudy’s new organization, “InfoLeaks,” replaces WikiLeaks as the primary source to help formulate ‘45’s legal strategy.

True to Rudy’s role as “The Grand Leaker,” a study guide of possible questions for Trump’s exam date made it into the news this past week.

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Even receiving the questions in advance, Vegas odds on Trump’s success haven’t budged … 50-1 that ‘45 will not bother to prepare for this test … 100-1 that he’ll “Fake it” and fail miserably.

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Seriously Absurd’s go-to investigative team perused the complete list of proposed questions and quite frankly … we’re terribly disappointed.

So, it’s time to step up to the swamp trough and present our own questions …   questions we’re all dying to have answered.

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President Trump …

Free Association:  What in God’s name makes you think you’re going to escape this mess and remain the President of the United States?  We’re just curious …

Twitter Spelling Bee:  What is the difference between “a Special Council and a Special Counsel” … “Roll and role” … “Coverage and covfefe” …  “Unpresidented and unprecedented” … “Lightweight choker and leightweight chocker?”

Relationship with Vlad:  Can you reveal when and where you and Vlad had sex with each other, and whether Attorney Michael Cohen drew up the NDA for Vlad?

Medical Records:  Is Admiral/Doctor Ronnie “Soon-to-be-Unemployable” Jackson eligible for payoffs for his efforts to expunge any references to STD’s or syphilis in your medical records stolen from Dr. Harold “I-am-not-a-Stoner” Bornstein’s office?

More Sex:  Is it true that in a 2017 Cabinet meeting, you asked Steve Bannon, as proclaimed by Anthony Scaramucci, to demonstrate how he could “perform unnatural sex acts on himself?”  Perhaps these photos provided by Stephen Miller might help.

Marital Relations:  Why does Melania slap your hand away when you reach for hers’ in public?

Middle East Multiple Choice:  How many days will it take for the US military to completely destroy Iran now that you’re sure they’ve violated the terrible, deplorable and useless Iran Treaty … (A) 6 days … (B) 0 days – they’ll surrender before the war starts … (C) Forever – Once started, it will never end … (D) All of the above which gives me total latitude to do as I please.

Attorneys:  How sorry are you that you did not hire Michael Avenatti before Stormy Daniels did?

Just sayin’ …

The Fall of the Romaine Empire

I’ve exchanged recent emails with friends … Ha, I have some … about the calamity of our Romaine-E.coli national panic … and the “Fall of the Romaine Empire!”

In those exchanges, it became clear that I’m rather rigid in my expectations of what should be in a salad … some have even called me a “Salad Nazi.”

And, I’ve been forced to admit … I’m way beyond the garden variety “kale hater!”

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I’m sure there are worse things to hate … but I find myself now wrought with guilt because kale has done nothing to me.

And … just for the record, I did make what I would call “a valiant attempt” to have a relationship with kale.

I just could not get past the kaleness of kale leaves … and “Pardon me!” … I’m not a “Smoothie-kinda-guy!”

So, these days I find myself searching for substitutes for my beloved Romaine … without having to resort to the dreaded kale.

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Let’s be clear about one thing … I insist on a certain level of “crunchiness” to my salad greens.

Ergo, I eschew spinach leafs … whether new born or craggy old adults … and other “limp green leaf varieties” as an insult to my male sensibilities.

I wonder if it has anything to do with the descriptor: “limp.”

So I’ve fallen back on that old standby … crunchy iceberg lettuce … which except for the outer leaves of “the berg,” looks less and less appetizing as you venture into the washed-out-pale-green “heart of the head.”

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If not carefully monitored, salads easily become boring.  The next thing you know, you’re secretly glopping store-bought 1000 Island Dressing on your greens.

And, “Yes, Virginia” … there is a place called Thousand Islands … it’s an archipelago of 1864 islands in the upper Saint Lawrence River between the US and Canada.

To offset “Salad-Boredom-Syndrome” … or, SBS … I’m prone to be a leafy green experimenter.

When I buy fresh carrots, beets and radishes, I save and rinse their green leafed  tops to “spice up” my serving of crunchy greens.

They’re a bit bitter … but that’s offset with properly ripened tomato, occasional hearts of palm, and selected olives.

Stuffed olives aren’t just for Martinis!

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In addition to absolutely refusing to eat raw kale, no raw mushrooms ever touch my salads.

A word to the wise … with a raw mushroom, you can never ever rinse, wash or scrub enough to erase the fact that it’s grown in s**t.

Just sayin’ …

The HitchBot’s Guide to the USA

I’m 10 years old.  Mom’s looking down at me saying, “Never … never ever hitchhike, Dickie.  There’re bad people out there who will pick you up, torture you, and then kill you.”

From that point … I’ve never stuck my thumb out to bum a ride.

Now my worst fear’s come true.

We have proof positive what happens to hitchhikers in the USA.  Just ask HitchBot …

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Enter the Canadians … our seemingly carefree neighbors who gave us the Royal Mounted Police in their bright red coats and dorkie hats … half of Niagara Falls … hockey, ice cold Molson Beer, and Justin Trudeau.

They kept free healthcare for themselves … and still laugh at us.

But they did give us, for a brief period of time … HitchBot … and taught us the dangers of hitchhiking in the USA.

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HitchBot … the creation of two slightly bent Canadian university scientists with a streak of moral turpitude … had limited language skills … could answer basic questions with whoever picked it up … a TV screen face … flexible legs and arms … and bunches of other digital crap that “robot-o-sists” know about.  It looked more like a Legoman than a robot.

The scientist team planned to have it hitchhike and create a socio-cultural record of its adventure(s).

And hitchhike it did.

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Hitch first journied across Canada … over 10,000 miles in just 26 days … without a “hitch.”

Europe was next and Hitch hitched throughout Germany with a bonus trip to The Netherlands, focused on Amsterdam … lucky Hitch.

A US cross country trip was planned … why not?

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Hitch left Boston with stops in several Massachusetts hot spots … then bopped down to The Big Apple where he survived the streets of Manhattan before heading to the “City of Brotherly Love” … Philadelphia.

Love those Philly Fanatics.  The City of Brotherly Love showed just what could happen when attempting to “bum a ride.”

HitchBot abruptly quit transmitting and was ultimately found … dismembered in the gutters of Philly.

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Many felt this attack was the result of angry Philadelphia Eagle fans … this happened in 2015 … not 2018, their Super Bowl win year.

Some offered that it was a “Hate Crime” directed at … gulp … Canadians.

Others surmised that it was an “act of patriotism.”  Clearly this makeshift “robot” was just an inferior-digital-Tinker-Toy foisted on America without a valid visa … and, therefore, deserved what it got.

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Me?  I think it’s another of those life lessons my mother tried to teach me … one that took only 65 years to learn.

Just sayin …

Michael Cohen … Legal Eagle … Welcome to the Big Time

It’s a legal thriller John Grisham couldn’t write.

Welcome to Trump World … a dystopian fantasy land for all those living in the crowded nightmare of Trump’s never ending criminal investigations.

How lucky do you think “The Mooch” feels?  In-and-out of Trump World so fast he didn’t even get an autographed “You’re Fired” poster!

Thanks to the FBI, the Southern District of Manhattan DA, and Special Counsel, Trump’s personal attorney, Michael “I’m-His-Fixer” Cohen, was visited by the “real-law-and-order-vets” this week … and was “fixed.”

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While most of us live in a Technicolor world, Trump’s spent his life living in his own not very creative underworld of lies, deceit, payoffs and cheap gangster movies.

He’s demonstrated at best, his life’s been … and will continue to be cheap B-movie material earning zero Rotten Tomatoes.

Michael Cohen’s finally met real attorneys, law enforcers and a pile of legal shit that he’ll live in for the rest of his life.  His days as Trump’s Fixer are over … kaput … finished.

He’s the sucker, who in those poorly plotted movies, ends up in the trunk of the mobster’s car missing body parts and wearing cement shoes.

Spolier:  Watch Cohen hang from Trump Tower while the Manhattan South DA skillfully flays and then fillets him into choice cuts of defunct and funky smelling Trump Steaks.

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Trump knows that Cohen knows where “all the bodies are buried” … and they’re not far from Trump Tower.  To date, Cohen’s tough guy persona has been earned by harassing out-funded and poorly legally represented terrified women.

“Hey Mikie … How do you like facing an “A-Team” of attorneys?

Cohen’s life as the crack attorney for the Trump Crime Family shows that his Five-and-Dime law degree matches his complete lack of intelligence.

A simple enforceable nondisclosure agreement seems to be beyond his capability.

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To pay his own legal fees, Cohen’s taking out a third mortgage on his home.

“Hey Mikie … Here’s an idea … Ask Trumpie to pay you what he owes you.”

If you hear anything on the other end of your new burner phone, it’ll be silence … or maybe heavy breathing.

What it won’t be is … “Sure, Mikie.  Give me your bank account number and I’ll transfer funds right away!”

Cohen’s only hope to save his skin is to execute a Greg Louganis “Olympic- Gold-Medal-3-Meter-Dive” … and call it the “Spill-the-Beans-Back-Flip.”

Just sayin’ …

Trump announces “National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month” April Fools?

 

The slimiest sleazebag sexual predator riding the streets in a bulletproof limo has announced that April is “National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month.”

It’s almost as if President Dickwad is using himself as the motivator so we can be aware of the magnitude of this problem.

I wonder how the women he’s already assaulted feel about having their own special month.

And befitting this social media president … he announced his proclamation via Twitter.

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The opening statement from the White House proclamation:

“Sexual assault crimes remain tragically common in our society, and offenders too often evade accountability. These heinous crimes are committed indiscriminately: in intimate relationships, in public spaces, and in the workplace.”

WTF … this reads like a playbook for Trump and his assaults.  “Evade accountability …  heinous crimes … committed indiscriminately?”

Whoa!  Did any of the White House Bozos read this f**king statement before they released it?  It’s clear the Head Bozo didn’t!

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Who told our Predator-in-Chief this was a good idea?

Hope Hicks is gone.  Melania’s not speaking to him.  Ivanka’s pissed because he compares her to the women on his sexual assaultee list.

He’s got no wife beaters left in the West Wing.  But he’s let it be known he wants Rob Porter to boomerang back.

The Seriously Absurd’s crack staff learned that the idea for this “special month” was solely another of the “no-brain-impulse-moves” from 45 himself.

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The fact that 45’s a p***y-grabbing-assault-denier-uninvited-kisser doesn’t seem to matter.  He’s desperate to show the world that … as he stated in his campaign … “I adore women.  No one adores women more than I do.”

He knows the best way to clear his name is to spend a month publically tweeting and holding Fake News announcements about Infrastructure Week, or North Korea, or that Beezos guy who’s younger and richer than he is.

Then while we’re distracted … he can declare himself a “Champion for Women.”

Bring back Omarosa … please.

Laura Ingram’s sure to have a good word for him … maybe Trump Enterprises can advertise on “The Ingram Angle.”

Michael Avenatti reportedly spit coffee across Wolf Blitzer’s interview table discussing this latest sexcapapade.

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But here’s the Real News … in 2009 President Obama was the first president to proclaim April as National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month.

Aha … the supreme motivator for Trump!  It’s to trump President Obama … no matter how stupid he looks doing it!  Sad!

Just sayin’ …

Championship for the Politically Aged

“Let’s Get Ready to Rumble!”

Forget about “The Thrilla’ in Manila” and “The Rumble in the Jungle.”  They were hissy-fits compared to what’s going down.

Two political heavy weights … literally and symbolically … issued the required initial taunts and insults to hold a winner take all “Championship for the Politically Aged.”

Already dubbed the biggest fight since David thwacked Goliath, the Biden-Trump “Match-for-Total-Macho-Male-Stupidity” is the most talked about event since … well, probably yesterday.

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The Tale of the Tape … “sizes-up” the combatants and in this case, paints a truly ugly picture of the two big mouthed behemoths.

Height:

Trump – 6’3” according to his NY State DL and his constituents … taller and mightier than an Oak.

Biden – 6’2” but bends in any wind … known to be a crier and already dubbed by Trump … “The Weeping Willow.”

Weight: 

Trump – yuuge and biggly … some say blubbery … others, big assed.

Biden – aged athletic bulges in all the wrong places … not Trumpian.

Girth: 

Trump – saddle this hoss and ride … he needs the exercise.

Biden – Wife Jill feeds him occasional salads … knows food other than Mickey Dee & KFC.

Hair: 

Trump – None that is really his … your basic million dollar weave job.

Biden – a few surviving nubs battle to be the “last-strand-standing” … Joe sticks with his GI cut.

Tall Tales: 

Trump – Has the advantage in a daily landslide of un-truthisms.

Biden – Has been known to hyperbolate when excited … some  compare him to the now for sure dead, Mark Twain.

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Trump will train at Camp Mar-a-Lago … Biden holed-up with the Clintons in Chappaqua, NY.

Like Amazon, the GOP/DNC Bi-partisan Select Fight Committee … the only bi-partisan effort on this year’s calendar … is receiving bids from interested cities.

Rendville, OH … population of 38 … offered to host the fight as soon as they finish building bunk beds in Homer’s barn to accommodate the press.

Raiford, FL … home of the Florida State Prison (aka Raiford) wants to host the fight in hopes of offering their facilities as Trump’s post-presidency residence.  The fight would serve as a Realtor’s Open House with a tour and refreshments.

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Vegas set the odds at 2:1 that one or both of the lard-asses will get stuck in the ropes as they enter the ring.

Odds are 5:1 that Trump collapses in his Red Corner when they yank the stool out from under him for the first round.

Odds for cardiac arrest before the end of the first round are set at 2:1 for Trump … in spite of his Navy doctor’s health report.

Biden is slightly favored at 4:1 to at least throw a punch before the end of round 1.

It’s even money that Trump’s lawyers will sue Biden at the opening bell for the first round.

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As for Seriously Absurd … this is two old-fat-white-guys in a stupid political stunt that will produce nothing beyond more bloviating … but Seriously Absurd’s got a $100 riding on Biden.

Just sayin’ …

FLASH … Sex Toys-R-Us is Closing

It’s bad enough that Toys-R-Us has filed for “Liquidation” … probably closing all 754 of its remaining stores.  But the worst is yet to come!

The phone at Seriously Absurd hasn’t stop ringing with rumors from the Interstate-Truck-Stop–Hotline … apparently “Sex-Toys-R-Us” is following in the kid focused footsteps of Toys-R-Us.

The battle for sex toy supremacy between e-commerce and brick-n-mortar retailing has reached an orgasmic end.

Amazon’s Jeff Beezos prematurely leaked to Wall Street that it’s always been a “secret desire of mine to wipe the filthy sex-shops off our interstate landscape.”

“Our Truck Stops have become the red light districts of America.”

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Meanwhile … with the closing of T-R-U, parents are outraged that they may no longer get to see, touch and feel toys.

One distraught mother wailed, “How will I be able to know if this is the best toy?  Is it durable?  Will it last?  Does it perform as advertised?  I need some experience before I buy a toy.”

“This is really f**king up my Xmas and B’day plans,” a mother of three told Seriously Absurd.  “For a lousy $30 … ten bucks per kid … I could turn ‘em lose in Toys-R-Us all afternoon.”

“The little savages tore everything apart before they made a ‘buy decision.’  That’s the only way to shop!”

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Though the Interstate’s are still humming with trucks … the real humming is coming from the drivers … and it’s all about what’re they’re gonna do when they stop for fuel?

Fill ‘er up and then leave?

“WTF’s going on?” one driver reported to the Absurders.

“Them sex toy stores are as All-American as the food buffet,” said the driver of a huge red Peterbilt.

He went on, “Ain’t nuthin’ better than those canned Del Monte Blue Lake green beans … fresh from the steam tray.  And the creamed chip beef … cain’t beat it!”

Another driver, brandishing his newer model sex doll stated, “If there ain’t no more toys … I ain’t botherin’ tuh stop.  Don’t print mah name … but mah handle’s, ‘Ah Cain’t Git Enuff.’”

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A female driver, jamming her dildo into her rear pocket said, “If these stores go away, how will I really know if this is the best toy?  Is it durable?  Will it last?  Does it perform as advertised?  I need some experience before I buy a toy.”

She continued expressing real fear that if Sex-Toys-R-Us closes all its shops, truck stops could soon join America’s drive-in theaters … abandoned roadside rolling mounds of green Kudzu.

Sad!

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Just sayin’ …

Hey, Betsy DeVos … “You Ma’am, Are No Betsy Ross”

“Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!”

Prez 45’s created an opportunity for Betsy DeVos to shine … as his own “Special Woman of History” … vying to replace Betsy Ross.

BDV’s been given her own Klieg lighted stage … a national commission charged with making our schools safe.

And, her “Safe School Fight Song” undoubtedly will be that well known WWII chant!

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Just in case you’ve forgotten … BDV’s the one who thought it was a stellar idea to arm teachers out West.

“Aha,” you ask … “Is that the hotbed of school shooter incidents?”

Nope … it’s where teachers allegedly cower in fear of grizzly bear attacks.

Yep … our current “Secretary of Dismantleing Education” proposed arming those quaking teachers so they could pop a few caps into an enraged, mouth foaming, bear claw shredding, 10’ grizzly, marauding through school hallways … without a hall pass.

In spite of that “grizzly” flash of brilliance … and his earlier statements that all commissions are nothing but “talk-talk-talk”… 45 has empowered BDV to head his newest Federal Commission.

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With ears to the wall and balls-out determination, the crack Seriously Absurd staff garnered inside information on some of the Commission’s topics.

Arming teachers and staff isn’t enough …

Under the military tactical tutelage of Blackwater, her brother’s security firm, BDV proposes the training and arming of high school seniors.

The NRA … supporting any way to increase gun sales … promises to exhume Charlton Heston and his “cold, dead hands” to schedule personal appearances at participating school rallies.

Stronger support for Homeland Security’s “See something – Do something” slogan …

The Commission plans an AP college credit course for spotting and turning in illegal aliens.

Students would receive extra credit when the illegal alien is deported and his family devastated.  BDV has already insured acceptance of this AP course credit at all Evangelical Christian Colleges.

More “real life business experience” for students …

Walk-outs, demonstrations, and picnic trips to state capitols aren’t the best ways to prepare for the future.

Instead, every public school student will be required to enroll in a special 4-year “Amway Pyramid-Scheme-Course.”

BDV says it’s the only way to teach students her family axiom: You only make money if you get to the top!

She vows that this will harden high school students to the competition so they understand that lying and deception are the tools necessary to … “Make America Great Again!”

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It was reported that when asked if these were the best ways to improve school safety, BDV replied, “You sound just like that whiney-gunless-wonder-flag-sewing-b***h, Betsy Ross!”

Just sayin’ …