Franken-trump

“I’ll have a pepperoni pizza … extra cheese … oh, and a new set of ears, please.”

3D printers are here … and they work.  Consternation, outrage and “OMG-we’re-going-to-destroy-ourselves” are building.

Maybe right-wing-reactionary-crowds won’t focus so much on wiping Hillary & Helen Keller from Texas history books … or ripping out the “magic pages” from Harry Potter library books … or during the Holidays, continue the freedom-fight to yell “Merry Christ-Mass” at Jews walking to Synagogue.

With 3D printers in the wrong hands … or maybe they’re the “right hands” … we’re sure to witness yet another major cultural upheaval.

Mary Shelley … as ye be rolling in your 1851 grave … make way for the “New and Improved Frankenstein!”

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It isn’t much of a leap of faith to move from 3D pizza … molecular constructed   vintage wines … and vegan beef … to bridge the creation abyss of real life and human creation a la Dr. Victor Frankenstein … who crudely stitched stolen body parts together to create his “new life.”

Creating “life” as a lab experiment is here … and we’re surely not ready for it.

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In the 3D Frankenstein Realm of created body parts, we already have human ears … maybe President Obama would be interested in a less Dumbo-like set.

The Dutch recently fitted a woman with a full-sized-see-thru skull … which didn’t look a bit like an NFL helmet.

And IKEA’s teamed up with gaming folks to 3D print chairs for those addicted fulltime gamers who suffer from “numbass.”  Their butts’re scanned … then a 3D printer builds a butt pad based on exact replication of their ass contours.

Another contribution to better living … or at least fewer hemorrhoids.

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And we all know who’s vitally interested in 3D printer replications … of himself.

Seriously Absurd has it on good authority that Nixon’s bowling alleys are gonezo … replaced by a flock of 3D printers running amok in the White House basement.

Under the guidance of none other than “Mad Doc Ronny Jackson” … erstwhile and disgraced Physician to the President … 3D’ers spit out various and sundry body parts … based on you-know-who’s DNA, cells and blood.

It’s only a matter of time before Robert Mueller won’t know who to charge … the House won’t know who to impeach … and the Senate won’t know who to convict.

The stage is set for the Mother of all 3D Nightmares … occurring right under our taxpayer noses … emerging piece-by-piece … it’s “Frankentrump.”

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I rarely pray … but I am now …

Just sayin’ …

Geraldo’s Back … and yelling, “Vault, vault? Did someone mention a vault?”

In an unanticipated Reality TV coupe de tȃte, diehard Trumpest Geraldo Rivera has volunteered to seek out the alleged documents sealed in David Pecker’s National Enquirer safe.

Leaning on the success he had with the search for Al Capone’s vault … Geraldo’s busy seeking a TV special broadcast contract with anybody who will return his calls.

Trump has already tweeted that he thinks Geraldo’s a “nice guy and fully capable of cracking Pecker’s safe.”  Trump also disavows all knowledge of the contents of the safe.

Pecker was not available for comment.

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Rumors abound about the safe’s contents.

According to the FBI it most likely contains self incriminating love letters between Trump and his BFF, Vladie Boy.

According to the three top FBI agents in the history of the Bureau … Comey, Strzok and McCabe … the safe could contain copies of the Selfies used by Vlad depicting Trump in compromising situations with the Russian President … and his horse … without shirts.

Pecker was available … but refused to comment.

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Congressional Republican Devin Nunes, chair of the House Intelligence Committee … a misnomer if there ever was one … and the guy who has stated that it’s his mission to singlehandedly derail the Mueller investigation … has called a special meeting of the Committee to require Democrats on the committee to find the safe, secure the documents, and deliver them directly to him so he can sneak them to the Oval office in the dead of night … any night … since he’s always up for a clandestine trip.

Pecker was spotted in public … wearing duct tape over his mouth.

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Meanwhile, Melania has secretly hired Omarossa to inveigle Pecker into giving her the combination to the safe so she … Melania … could read the documents first … remove all photos of her … and then return all documents to Pecker so AMI could start running all the stories about her soon-to-be-ex-husband.

The First Lady’s Office issued a statement that apparently indicates she no longer cares … and asks the question, “Would you?”

This change in the wording on her infamous designer jacket is her final word on whether she really cares … maybe … we think … or maybe not.

Pecker, though he did not comment … was seen scampering back to AMI headquarters with a Cheshire cat grin on his face.

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Meanwhile, the crack Seriously Absurd Safe Cracker Committee has located the Pecker safe and unloaded the contents.

Guess what?

The contents once and for all confirm that Trump’s an incompetent-womanizing-bigoted-racist-misogynist-lying-dirt-bag.

Glad we could clear up that piece of news.

Just sayin’ …

“National Enquirer’s” Furious Bat Boy Flips on Trump

Bat Boy … enraged over all the money thrown around salacious Trump affairs … is telling everybody that he’s totally pissed … and he’s contacted Special Counsel Mueller and the SDNY to schedule “tell all” sessions concerning his relationship to President Donald Trump.

Yes … that Bat Boy.

The one who first appeared on tabloid covers in 1992 … who starred in an Off Broadway musical in 1997 … and was photographed on top of a NYC subway in 2006.

Bat Boy … who entered the political arena in 2008 … initially endorsing John McCain for president but later switching to Barrack Obama when he regained his senses.

Also in 2008 … he popped up in organized protests for Prop 8 … can anyone even remember WTF Prop 8 was all about?

So long ago!

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But now with the public emergence of a character actually more despicable than he is, Bat Boy’s re-entered our world demanding that the Enquirer reinstate his spot on their cover!

“Who’s this Trump Bitch, anyway?” questions Bat Boy.

“I’ve graced more tabloid covers than he’s even thought about.  In fact, I may have been on more covers than Trump and David Pecker’s arch enemy … Hillary!”

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Bat Boy alleges his story will blow the minds … what minds they can claim … of the staunchest hard core Trump Supporters.  It’s guaranteed to capture more air time than The Donald even thought about.

“He’s met the Master of Reality TV.  I’ll make Apprentice look like amateur hour and nothing but bulls**t hogwash.

“Put my face on the screen and they’ll forget Omaroso-three-name, Michael “I Sing like a Coal Mine Canary” Cohen and even that slime-ball-scum-bag-tax- cheating-Commie-hugger, Paul Manafort!

“I’m the real deal … the truth will win out!”

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Bat Boy voiced total support for the flip of David Pecker.  “That Peckerwood Pecker’s just like Trump.  In fact … they both still owe me money.

“They promised me they would send me to world class surgeons … that I’d be welcomed at Miss Universe Contests … that world class Slovenian models would flaunt their bodies at me … “Celebrity Apprentice” babes would take one look and get naked!”

“And … what did I get?  Nothing … zilch … nada … zero!  Now it’s time to say … ‘Hello’ again!”

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“Yes, Donald John Trump … temporary President of the United States … now it’s time for me to say to the world … ‘Hi, Dad … bet you wish you’d used a condom!’”

Just sayin’ …

Space Balls USSF

The truth’s out for the 1001st time … we have a balls-out seriously insane man lurching through the halls of our White House impersonating a US President.

Now he wants to go to alternative universes … as if he wasn’t already in one.

He’s entered the realm of surreal absurdity with a presidential push to create a 6th branch of the US military … the Space Force!

No one’s had the guts to tell “L’Orange” that our “Space Force” already exists as the Air Force Space Command … operating from Peterson Air Force Base … with a command population of 38,000 people.

Fortunately, the Seriously Absurd crack committee … Military Expansion Planning for the Future … has stumbled on documents produced for President Dimwit.

Power Point … gobs of photos … words limited to make him smarter than someone’s fifth grader … describing the United States Space Force … USSF!

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Trump had so much success with “Trump U,” he wants to be the Commandant of the USSF Academy.

He’ll get to wear his designer academy military uniforms … featuring merit badges for his political successes … topped off with a tinfoil dunce cap.

And, there’ll be a football team … cheerleaders provided by the biggest losers in the NFL … the Cleveland Browns.

BREAKING NEWS:  We have the first USSF team cheer:  “Flim … Flam … Scam … Scam … We really don’t care … do you?”

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Dean of the Academy?  Mel Brooks … who else … producer and director of “Space Balls.”  With his anglicized surname, Trump’s got no clue that Brooks is Jewish.

Dean of the School of Rocket Science … Captain James Kirk … late of the Starship, USS Enterprise.

Dean of the School of Alien Contact and Visitation … Giorgio A. Tsoukalos … currently a consultant for the debunked History Channel series, “Ancient Aliens” … the home of pseudoscience and pseudohistory.  Damn the facts, full steam ahead!

Dean of the School of Interstellar Culinary Replication … Neelix … from Star Trek: Voyager … culinary artist and master of the Replicator … think 21st Century 3D Printing.  Guns & pizzas for all!

According to Commander Trump, “I love all these guys … they have a face for TV, all their teeth and more than ½ a brain … which is more than I can say for my Base!”

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A Trump re-election PAC’s already launched Logo selection.  Only donors get to vote.

So it looks like Trumpians have found yet another way to raise money off the government … plus there’s no promise they’ll use the “most popular logo.”

The GOP’s finally enacted “Pay to Vote” … all credit cards accepted … good luck all you suckers!

Just sayin’ …

Step Away from that Chicken!

I can hear the Poultry Police now … “Okay Lady, drop the chicken!  Put your hands in the air and step away from that chicken!”

Sound crazy?  Not so much.

You never know who out there’s a Chicken Hugger … or worse, a Chicken Licker … or Kisser!

The next person you pass on the sidewalk, or offer a friendly hug … or worse a peck-peck on the cheeks … may be, could be … a Chicken Hugger!

And before you get your gender-bias-panties in a wad, understand that the statistics … yes there’s data … indicate that overwhelmingly women are more apt to fall into the category of “Chicken Huggers and/or Kissers” than are men!

A big feathery thank you to the Seriously Absurd crack Backyard Chicken Farmer Data Collection Team!

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The Centers for Disease Control predicts that we may be in for a challenging battle with a pesky zoonotic disease outbreak!

Aha, you say … WTF is a zoonotic disease?

Well, SA and the CDC have that answer … zoonotic diseases are the ones that can be passed from an animal to a human.

And, yes Ms. Backyard Chicken Farmer … that includes your pretty little flock of cute and cuddly peeps and cluck-clucks … the Typhoid Mary’s of at least 10 of the main zoonotic diseases.

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The recent suburban rage of backyard chicken farming and the subsequent anthropomorphizing of said birds have the CDC … and this Blogger … very concerned.

It’s one thing to make sure your coop’s clean enough for your chickens.  It’s another thing to be cuddling, kissing and licking your birds.

Live chickens are not … I repeat … are not “finger lickin’ good” … in spite of what that fat, old, white, Southern Colonel tells you!

And lips that have brushed a chicken … shall not brush mine!

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I know it’s cute and a lot of fun to name your birds.  And they do help control the gecko population.

We know you surreptitiously give them the run of your house.  And for the umpteenth time, you invite them to share your lap and La-Z-Boy to watch the 2016 release of “Chicken People” … which BTW earned top ratings from the Rotten Tomatoes movie critics.

But … the fact is they’re still chickens … they scratch around in chicken s**t … they eat bugs … they peck in their droppings … and I’ve never seen one in a bird bath.

Which gives new meaning to that hackneyed expression … “You dirty bird!”

Just sayin’ …

Soy Beans … Willie Nelson … and Chick-fil-A

Earlier we rallied for the pig farmers and how they’d been screwed by the Trump Tariffs when all they wanted to do was sell their damn pigs … ears and all!

Pig farmers appeared on all the news shows … except FOX … and along with their sows and boars … they whined, oinked and grunted about their problem.

Enter the soy farmers … replacing the piglets as TV agri-stars … with a week of bellyaching about the same damn tariffs screwing with all their soy beans.

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Called on once again, the Crack-Soy-Bean-Research-Team at Seriously Absurd is going to bat for the heroes of vegans, vegetarians and Chinese takeout owners everywhere!

Not to be outdone by ‘45’s crappy John Deere green farmer hats, Seriously Absurd has designed the ultimate Soy Farmer protest cap and coordinated tee … now available at our Seriously Absurd Protest of the Week Outlet Store … serviced by Amazon.com!

Yes … you too, can proudly make a statement with this red-white-and-blue ensemble … “Make Soy Great Again” … you can also “Make Tofu Great Again” … or “I Drink Soy Shots!” … or if you wanna be balls-out for the soy farmers, try our “F**K China – Eat Edamame!”

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The Food Network joined the Soy War on China with plans to launch “Master Chinese Chef Takeout Cookoff” … highlighting family size takeout featuring tons-and-tons of the humble little beans.

Park your fat asses in front of the TV … unload your cartons of soy beaned Chinese takeout and vote for the Best Takeout Chef in each episode.

Winners will be featured in a final week long … Chinese Takeout Cookoff – American Style!

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Jeff Beezos just announced that Whole Foods and Amazon are “All in” for fighting this war.

Beezos states that The Soy Wars will be the best thing for America since Robert Redford’s 1988 film … “The Milagro Beanfield War!”

“We’re reducing the price of all our soy products and promise free same day delivery on all soy based foods!  Prime members will receive an additional 20% off!”

Chick-fil-A’s precious cows have been drafted for “Eat More Soy” commercials showing 24-7!

Willie Nelson’s launched a new additive for gasoline … Willie’s Soy Oil!

“My last venture into the gas world wasn’t that great … but I think I’ve nailed it with my new Soy Oil!” says the ecstatic 85 year old druggedout, traveledout, sungout, country boy Nelson.

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We owe it to our soy bean farmers … grab your hats and tee shirts … storm the doors of Whole Foods, march on the Chinese Takeout in your ‘hood, gas up with Willie’s Soy Oil, and do your part for the humble little bean we love to hate!

Just sayin’ …

The Russian is coming … The Russian is coming!

Hooray for our current White House “Orange-Toddler-in-Residence.”

He’s unleashed yet another sex-politics-guns-threats, and “tricks-for-treats” sex-capade from the political slime swamp he calls his presidency.

Before the FBI’s through with this secret agent sex adventure, ‘45 may wish he had stuck with this not so simple Helsinki riddle …

“How much would, would a Would-Trump chuck, if a Would-Trump would chuck would … or wouldn’t?”

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A week ago Mariia Butina … a sexually trained Russian agent aka “The Red Sparrow”… was unknown.

Unless you’re in the FBI … a Republican operative … a congressman … ranking member of the NRA … spokesperson for the Evangelical Movement … a member of Trump’s campaign team … a conservative radio host, columnist, blogger … or anyone with information to trade for a scramble-in-the-sheets.

She was destined to be America’s next great sex obsession … picking-up after Stormy Daniels stormed the West Wing and our capitol’s inner-sanctum!

That was before the FBI dropped on her like a bloated sack of Rooski kaka … now Mariia and her cute “Butt-inski’s” locked up nice and tight.

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She’s a 4.0 Master’s Degree graduate … in “International Relations.”  You can’t make this s**t up!

According to her FBI indictment, her international relations included screwing her way into the Evangelical Movement and gaining invitations to not one, but two National Prayer Breakfasts … prime political connection platforms for wanna-be foreign agents.

She also repeatedly thrust herself on high ranking NRA officials claiming she was a “Russian Gun Right’s Activist.”  They must’ve been thinking with their “one-eyed-brains” … since they failed to comprehend there are no gun rights in Russia … unless you’re in the military or FSB.

She banged into her U.S. operation with “U.S. Person 1” … Paul Erickson, described in her indictment as a South Dakota “GOP political operative.”

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Maybe Erickson wasn’t the best choice for her planned takeover of the NRA and the Trump West Wing.

His political activism reads like a MAD Magazine article … including a stint as “media adviser” for the infamous John Wayne “Almost-Dickless” Bobbitt … another American household name.

Erickson’s kinda the laughing stock of South Dakota … where there’s allegedly more stock than humans.  Dakotans describe him as a taller and physically less appealing Leonardo DiCaprio … the scam artist in “Catch Me if You Can.”

Law suits piled up against Erickson read like a poor man’s list of Bernie Madoff ripped-off, pissed-off investors.

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Mariia may have a 4.0 GPA from George Washington University … she may have a degree in International Relations … but she sure doesn’t have it when it comes to choosing her male door openers into U.S. politics.

Just sayin’ …

Going Whole Hog

We’re at war!  And … Uncle Don needs you … yes you … and you … he needs all of us!

Hop on the patriotic band wagon … come to the defense of America’s pig farmers.

Grab your bright red MAGA hat and head to your supermarket … deli … hotdog stand … WaWa … rib joint … wherever pig meat’s sold!

Open up those wallets and dig deep.  We’ve gotta go “Whole Hog!”

We’re in a “Trade War” with arch trade enemy, China … “The Hog Wars of 2018!”

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Pass the bacon … the spare ribs … the ham … the chops and the loin.  I’ll do my patriotic duty … no bone spurs here.

I’m on the front lines … chomping down on those fatty morsels of artery cloggers!

But the Chinese have far more “refined tastes” when it comes to specialty pork products.

They buy all the parts of the damn hog that most of us wouldn’t touch if we were in terminal stages of starvation.

We don’t eat the “whole hog” … we eat “higher on the hog” … while it’s clear that the Chinese eat “lower on the hog!”

We do a “Reverse Michelle Obama” on ‘em. “We go high … they go low!”

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To make sure we eat our way through this war, our Fearless Leader along with Cabinet Commerce Secretary and nearly-dead-man, Wilbur Ross demand that all pet food outlets triple their orders for pig’s ears.

All redneck biker bars are commanded to increase the available space for pickled pig’s feet by 400% … look for bars jammed with jars of oinker knucklers!

Wilbur says, “To Hell with those froo-froo umbrella drinks!  Go red, white and blue!  Dump a knuckle in every brew!”

Erectile dysfunction docs have already tripled their prescriptions for dried boar penis jerky … reportedly the #1 source for increasing male testosterone!

Boar’s Head corporate headquarters stated that deli’s across America will be stocked with their latest line of deli meat … Pickled Pig Head Bologna … in five scrumptious flavors!

“Eat More Pig” rallies will be the heart of ‘45’s mid-term campaign stops across America.

It’ll be a sea of red caps … “MAGA – Eat the Whole Hog!”

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We all need to do our part with pig parts … we must go boldly where we’ve never gone before … “Pig Parts, the Final Frontier!”

This is war!

Just sayin’ …

Beauty … not what it seems

Blame it all on Phineas T. Barnum.  He held the first modern beauty pageant in 1854.

Though public outrage forced Barnum’s sideshow pageant to close down, beauty pageants have continued to pop up their vexatious little voyeuristic heads … providing profits for men.

And ample opportunities as outlets for male puerile behavior to ogle eye-candy and grope, fondle, handle, hug, and grab ‘em by the “whatevers” … all in the name of big bucks!

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There’s one thing that’s brought dramatic change to beauty pageants … and

it’s not the “Talent” portion of the show!

It’s modern surgery … which has blurred the lines of “the natural beauty” of the contestants.

“Barnum’s Babes” didn’t go in for body sculpting, nips and tucks, or plastic surgery … all of which are commonplace today.

Today’s contestants are “store-bought-bust-out-retail” models displaying their surgeons deft hand skills or advanced robotic skills … led by Venezuela which boasts more pageant winners than any other country … six Miss Universe titles, six Miss Internationals and six Miss Worlds.

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If it’s beauty pageant “role reversal” you want, take a hike to Niger … after the rainy season.

That’s when the men of the Saharan nomadic Wodaabe Tribe spend days parading in front of the tribal women vying to be among the “chosen.”

This is more than a beauty contest … this is annual preparation for “mate selection!”  And the women are the judges!

Women have all the power when it comes to sex in the Wodaabe tribe … talk about “performance anxiety!”

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Jump to the animal kingdom … specifically camels … surely one of the ugliest animals on earth.

In Saudi Arabia the annual King Abdulaziz Camel Festival commands huge financial prizes for the “Most Beautiful Camel” … and it’s rife with physical and surgical enhancements to the competing camels.

What?  People actually try to make a camel “better looking?”

Apparently the tilt of the beast’s ears, the size of its nose and poutiness of lips are primary factors in judging the “beauty-in-the-beast.”

Enter Botox and nip-and-tuck procedures … both of which are illegal in this pageant.  Is nothing sacred?

And now we have a scandal ridden camel beauty pageant … where 12 camels and owners were disqualified last year.

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My guess is trying to make a camel cute started with that cutesy provocative cartoonish ad featuring “Joe Camel” promoting Camel cigarettes.

That was one alluring camel!

But … just like PT Barnum’s Babes … “public outrage” also ended Joe Camel’s short reign of beauty … which makes me think that there are times when “s**t happens for a reason.”

Just sayin’ …

I’m Glad I’m a Guy … Human Type

There are times when I’m really glad I’m a guy … a human guy!

George M. Cohan, told us that “The birds do it … bees do it … even educated fleas do it.”

It’s true … every morning I stroll along the shores and boardwalk of Lake Dora, one of the larger lakes in Central Florida.

I refer to it as the “Gators’ Single Bar”  ‘cause the gators are out in force … sunning, strutting, bellowing … and occasionally “roughing it up” with one another.

Recently, I walked out our front door and literally stumbled over two wise Bard Owls engaged in a feather flying “love smack down” … right in my driveway!

All this Mother Nature activity, emboldened Seriously Absurd’s “Crack-Love-Research Staff” to look into some of the more strange and absurd humping habits among the species.

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The Praying Mantis pays a dear price for his sexual fling.

Mama Mantis subscribes to the idea that “If you bug me enough you’ll get what you deserve.”

Scientific rumor has it that while Joe Mantis is literally losing his head … thanks to the Missus … his sexual fervor is heightened so he’s assured of successfully completing the act.

Whoopie … she gets mantis kids … and he gets dead!

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How about exploding genitals.  Exploding genitals?

Yep … in the honeybee hive, only the Drones get to “get it on” with the Queen Bee.  But wait … there’s a price to pay for being one of “the chosen!”

Apparently the successful insemination of the Queen requires that the Drone’s sperm be “locked” into the Queen’s body cavity.  The Drone’s genitals … mainly his penis … explode during the act thus sealing the Queen’s cavity from the competition.

I think we can assume that post-penile-explosion the now “dickless” Drone falls to the wayside … and becomes ant fodder.

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Then there’re those kinky porcupines.

The male spots a potential mate and promptly pees all over her … looking for a “go ahead signal” from her!

Okay … scientists explain it away as a “pheromone thing” which helps her determine if he’s “worthy.”

I dunno about you … but that just sounds like a “Trump Moscow Thing” to me!

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So I’m glad I’m a human male and don’t have to deal with “off with my head,” an exploding dick, or what would happen to me if I peed all over my mate … all for the sake of “love.”

Just sayin’ …