And you thought “The War of Northern Aggression” was over!

Southerners have a saying left over from their unfortunate ass-whuppin’ many years ago at the hands of some Northern Invaders … I’m not talkin’ about Canadians … I’m talkin’ about those “Damn Yankees.”

Many still say it proudly … though now mostly under their breaths.

“Forgit, Hell!”

That slogan became the slogan of the South on May 9, 1865 … the day the South surrendered to the North ending our Civil War.

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I thought 153 years of post armistice “makin’ nice behavior” would actually assuage those feelings and smooth things out.

But recently, I read about some trickery and chicanery that once again has aroused age-old and deeply buried Southern hostility.

We’re talking about that “galdern Alabama Poop Train!”

Yep, folks … an actual trainload of human defecation sent to the lovely rolling hills of northern Alabama from none other than that den of total iniquity … New York City!

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According to one resident at “Poop Zero” … the small town of Parrish, AL … “It felt like the Northerners were trying to pile messes on the Southerners.”

And Southerners are just plain tired of cleanin’ up other folks’ messes!

To prove that they aren’t fools … when a Parrish policeman was told that the 10 million pounds of partially processed human waste was “harmless,” he retorted … “Well, if it’s ‘harmless’ why don’t they just dump it up North?”

That’s tellin’ ‘em and givin’ ‘em “what’s for!”

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I can see it now …  a bunch of conivin’ Yankees sittin’ around and musing … “Gee, I wonder where we could get away with dumping a few million pounds of s**t into someone’s back yard?”

“I got it,” yells one stubby cigar smoking bureaucrat.  “We’ll send it to Alabama … they ain’t got s**t down there!”

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And before the towns surrounding the Blue Sky Landfill … sounds kinda “resorty” to me … could ask, “Who’s gonna pay our Lysol bill?” … a train load of big-assed-Yankee-doo-doo sat for two months … in the sun … ripening up … while folks argued over where all this s**t was going.

Well … there’s nothing like a train load of stink in your backyard to get your attention that somethin’s outta whack … and you gotta fight it.

And fight it the folks of Parrish did.

Truckloads hauled it all away … and when asked about where it was goin’ … Parrish’s answer was, “We don’t care.  It ain’t our s**t!”

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Rumors are that Alabama’s new state flag will proudly display a new slogan … “Don’t Poop on Me!”

Just sayin’ …

What really matters … and it’s not the mid-terms …

Here it is a few days after the crazed two year run-up to the 2018 mid-terms … and I have yet to determine whether I won … lost … or am just too exhausted to give a damn.

In spite of the tsunami of media punditry attempting to explain the results of the mid-terms … I choose to focus on much more important issues facing those of us who are engaged with life in 2018.

Here’s the Seriously Absurd list … so far.

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For those folks who still play “dress-up” one night each year, Halloween 2018 saw the demise of the “Killer Clown” as the #1 costume.

Amusingly enough … the #1 costume in this election mid-term year according to Pinterest … none other than Tonya Harding.

Say who?

Wasn’t she the ice skater who placed the championships into her own ex-husband’s hands … and there’s the legal complication … when he bashed the knee of poor Nancy Kerrigan … the #1 skater … knocking her out of the competition?

Yep … and after her December, 2017 bio-pic … “I, Tonya” … we have another American Anti-hero put up for worship.

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And … in 2018 if you didn’t buy your Fidget Spinner to play with Barron Trump … you’re too late.

Fidget Spinners hit the toy market January 2018 … peaked in May and now occupy no space on toy store shelves.

Oh wait … since Toys R Us closed it’s doors … there are no toy stores in America.

If you did buy a Fidget Spinner … hold on to it for 50 or so years and you’ll have a toy collectible for Mike and Frank … the guys in History Channel’s “American Pickers.”

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And of course we have our 2018 asteroid … code named Oumuamua … Hawaiian meaning … “a messenger that reaches out from the distant past.”

What’s got everyone gesticulating to this hunk of space rock is the idea that some spacey scientists … not Kevin Spacey … seem to think this flattish cigar shaped tumbler is an alien probe that was sent on a “fly by” of earth.

Mind you  … there is no evidence of any kind to support this theory.

But, if you ask me … I’ll remind you we have a guy in the White House who wants to establish a United States Space Force … and he has no evidence that such a “space force” is necessary, needed or even wanted.

Evidence … schmevidence!

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So there you have it … a sampler of what I think about instead of who won what in the 2018 mid-terms.

Just sayin’ …

The Double-Dip Controversy

Lowes is selling Xmas decorations … Xmas music’s blaring on Sirius Radio … and Hallmark’s started their 2018 Xmas movie series.

The “Holidays” are here … ‘tis the Party Season!

So … it’s time we addressed a critical issue … “double-dipping.”

We’re not talking ice cream cones here … and, who knew double-dipping could cause such a furor?

Select your dipping chip … scoop dip … put the dip-laden part of your chip in your mouth … chomp … talk a bit … pause, turn and plunge your remaining gummed chip for a rerun.

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Immediately heads spin and whirl as if exorcized … eyes bulge … tongues wag … fingers point … shunning begins.

And you know many of those finger-wagging-party-goers are the same one’s who put their unused flatware back in the drawer instead of the dishwasher.

Or worse … rinse off the free chopsticks from their Chinese takeout … slipping them back into their little paper case for a rerun.

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The health impact of double-dipping’’s been extensively researched.

Though we’re not talking cancer, heart disease, or obesity depth of research … science has looked into this nefarious act of “bad, bad manners.”

For those of us who don’t live on the cutting edge of hygiene practices, the act of double-dipping is way overrated as a cause of the plague, polio, herpes, VD, or even the common cold.

“Show me the evidence,” you say?

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Give a “Shout Out” to Clemson University … and a real but probably obscure independent … “Germ Scientist!”  Both studies pointed out important details.

Crackers hold more mouth bacteria than chips.

More mouth bacterium lingers from a double-dip into cheeses and creams.

Salsa’s the way to go for D-D’s (Double-Dippers) … a double-dip into acidic salsa is “almost harmless.”

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The fact is, from head to toe humans are germ farms.  And on average, we touch our mouths, ears and eyes over 3,000 times daily!

You’re far more likely to “catch a bug” from hand shaking … hugging … touching door knobs … or looking at photos of adorable grandkids and pets on someone’s “filthy cell phone.”

Based on this info … double-dipping’s more of an argument for bad manners than it is for mimicking Typhoid Mary!

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So unless you go to your holiday parties in a full-body condom, don’t be throwing down on me … should you catch me “double-dipping.”

Just sayin’ …

Lonely Heart Trumpers

Poor Trumpers.  Apparently they can’t find anyone to go out with and share a shoulder to cry on.

What?  You mean to say that you’re not “date bait” once you align yourself with … a vile-red-MAGA-hat-wearing, lying, voter-suppressing, anti-women’s-rights, genital-grabbing, fascist, racist, misogynist, isolationist, family-separating, economy-wrecking, job-stultifying, wage-stagnating, oligarch-backing, international-murder-supporting, campaign-mob-violence-inciting temporary resident in our White House?

Oh my … what’s a horny Trumpist to do?

Well … suck it up Right-Winger-of-my-Heart!  Shudder-shudder … there’s now a place just for you.

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Rushing to the rescue of these lonely-heartless Trumpers are three dating sites… one claiming to “Make America Date Again” … how quaint is that?

Trump.Dating … DonaldDaters.com … TrumpSingles.com.

Why risk wasting a totally mediocre Trump Steak dinner and a bottle of the finest Trump Champagne on someone who turns out to be a Bernie Bro … or Hillary Hawk?

Or worse … a climate–change-believing-Green-Partier?

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DonaldDaters won the distinction of being the first site to launch for “Date-a-Trumpers.” Within days, it also lost all its users’ data.  Yep … that was a quite a “Launch-and-Crash.”

Web maestros at DonaldDaters are reportedly trying to blame the leak on a 300-pound-Cheeto-eating-basement-dweller.  But we all know it was those pesky rogue “Blue-Bros” … operating under the aegis of Hillary and her “Lock-Her-Up-Servers.”

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The Donald himself would quickly be ousted as a member of the sites.

Grounds for terminating your membership include use of hate speech or other offensive language …  so, looking at someone’s photo and telling them … “I want to “grab your p***y” … would probably lead to your demise.

Likewise offensive language based on “physical or mental disability” (like mocking a NYT journalist) … “national origin or ancestry” (like Pocahontas) … “race, color, religious creed” (like maligning all religious and ethnic minorities) … would be “Goodbye, Donald” offenses.

As for good old American family values … you can feel safe that homophobia is digitally alive and well … at least on Trump.Dating.  They don’t care if you’re married or single … but evidently answering “yes” to being gay is auto-kick-out status.

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My guess is that if I were seeking the company of a morally bankrupt fascist, I could save some bucks and dating time by cruising through the Trump sites.

Fortunately I’m secure in my Socialist-Left-Wing-Open-Borders-Everything-Free lifestyle.

Good thing November 6th is right around the corner … one can always cast a vote for a better way.

Just sayin’ …

Disneytizing Grimm Tales

Many of us spent our childhoods watching Disney films thinking that “When we wished upon a star …” good things would happen.

Walt and his minions at Disney sanitized stories … whitewashing the blood, gore and fear from early fairy tales … brainwashing millions who are now confused, old, people … totally unprepared for our current world!

If Walt had been smarter, he’d taken a lesson from the Brothers Grimm, Carlo Collodi, Hans Christian Andersen and the myriad of other moralists who told it like it was.

Back then, when we misbehaved, told lies, or didn’t wash behind our ears … there was “Hell fire and damnation to pay!”

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Look at Cinderella.

In the “Disneytized” version … podophiliac Prince finds girl with perfect foot … slips shoe on foot … kisses newly-foot-crowned princess … they live happily ever after.

Jake and Willy … those Brothers Grimm … had more imagination even though “Menchikaboolaroo” was never mentioned in their tale.

In the grim version … “If the ‘shoe don’t fit,’ you must … cut off some toes or slice the heel.”

So instructed the Grimms’ warped mother when she gave her daughters a butcher knife and demanded they … “put their best foot forward!”

At “Shoe Time” … the Prince thought something wasn’t quite right when he noticed a gnarly bloody foot headed toward his glass Jimmy Choo.

Hey … no one said the wicked mother was a Mensa Society Grand Dame and not just another greedy mother insisting her daughters “marry up.”

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Take a quick hop over the Alps to Italy for another Disney remake … Pinocchio … in which Walt collides with Pinocchio’s creator, Carlo Collodi.

“Happily-ever-after” Walt brings Pinocchio to life, escaping the perils of his own wooden-headed-stupidity … and allows him to continue as a happy little boy skipping down the lane with a moralizing chirp-talking cricket perched on his shoulder.

Collodi’s Pinocchio was no Disney creation.  Walt had a redemptive and moralistic side to him and his Pinocchio revealed that!

Collodi, however, wanted to tell the truth about children … especially boys.  He thought boys basically were “scummy little rodents” …  dirty, disobedient and grubby little liars.

And the townfolks agreed with Collodi thinking he was pretty damn accurate.

Instead of “happily ever after,” Collodi’s wooden-wonder-boy was hanged by his pencil-thin neck by angry townfolk …  when he told one too many lies.

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Hmmm … could be if “Little-Boy-Trumpty” had seen this version instead of the “Dizneytized” one, he might’ve thought twice about telling over 5,000+ lies as President.

Too late now … but there’s always hope for a “public lynching.”

Just sayin’ …

Wretched, wretched cauliflower!

If you think those veggie-loving-deprive-us-of-our-meat-and-chicken-and-fish crazies were intrusive when they pushed, shoved and catapulted kale into our veggie-less lives  … then you ain’t seen nuttin.’

Wait ‘til you see what the cauliflower huggers are up to!

Those bumpy white knobby looking monadnocks of the veggie world were what you bought because there were no other veggies available that day!

Now it has its own fricking bin … and all of a sudden they’re in every aisle of the store … extruded, boxed, dried, frozen, flattened, or creamed.

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Don’t be telling me about how good cauliflower is for me.  I’m not really interested in the low-calorie-no-fat-high-everything-else numbers.

I’m only interested in wondering when I’ll bite into a bacon cheese burger and discover some form of cauliflower … instead of cheese, beef or … OMG … bacon!

Just how far will these veggie hugging maniacs go?

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Aaargh … leave it to California … the golden raisin paradise for all the true food crazies in the USA.

They’re serving Cauliflower T-bone, Prime Cotê de Cauliflower and thick slabs of cauliflower to unsuspecting carnivores.

According to one food critic … these “cauli-steaks absolutely sing with flavor.”  And they’re served without ketchup!

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As for market comparisons with any of the other “trendy veggies,” the data … yes at times I do look at data … indicates that cauliflower sales have a rough time just keeping up with its dreaded green Italian cousin … broccoli!

There’s no way it sells like kale … or sweet potatoes, fresh corn, or even a head of crappy iceberg lettuce.

In fact … it appears that all this hullabaloo over cauliflower may be nothing more than smart ad campaigns and “payola” … instead of pay for play … we have pay for menu spots!

Something’s rotten … and it ain’t in Denmark!

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To Hell with Cauliflower pizza crust … rice … and puffed cauli-pretzels.

Boooorrrrr-ing!

If we’re gonna bastardize this recognizable crunchy, knobby, white veggie mound that’s usually a leftover on the crudité plate … then let’s go all out!

Fermented St. Cauli Girl IPA … or California Cauli Box Wine … extruded knobby little Cauli Crax sprinkled with a hint of Sea Salt.

Or even better … trick your kids into eating it … a box of Puffed Cauliflowerettes … different colors … coated with brown sugar and surrounded by mini  marshmallows … a bright pink dancing pig with a cauliflower hat on the box front!

Just sayin’ …

The Canadians are attacking … The Canadians are attacking!

Yep … the coastline and estuaries of Maine and Massachusetts are under attack by Canadian savages.

In this case … by an ultra-aggressive crustacean … dubbed the “cockroach of the sea” because “once ya got ‘em ya just can’t get rid of ‘em” … Canadian Green Crabs.

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Since these miniature replicas of the cult SciFi movie “Attack of the Crab Monsters” are exiting Canada, the Canadian effort to curtail their population is underwhelming.

“Let ‘em Go South” and “Sic ‘em Crabbies” parties are held every weekend by enthusiastic Canadians who are tired of all the tariff bullying … insults hurled at their poster boy Prime Minister … and criticisms of their beer and scarlet serge Mountie uniforms emanating from south of their border.

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But … by violating US borders … especially without proper papers … these hard shelled Pit Bulls of the ocean may face massive US retaliation.

Perhaps even family separation … Green Crab Internment Camps in the hot Texas sun … or arrest and transport back to Canada!

God forbid if “you-know-who” in the White House catches a Fox & Friends’ discussion of these “Illegals” crawling sideways across our border from Canada!

Do I hear “Build a Sea Wall … Canada will pay for it?”

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On the commercial front of this “We Got Crabs War” … and true to our best practices … we’re looking to China to invent an automatic crab meat vacuum that sucks the meat right out of the little green beasts … Aaaah, good ‘ole American ingenuity!

Plus … since we’re the only predators of the Green Crab … led by the famed restaurateurs … Legal Seafoods, Boston … we’re frantically searching for ways to soothe our capitalist instincts and make money off the little buggers.   Crab Fests … Green Crab broths … seasonal dishes are migrating onto restaurant menus … we may soon have a new trendy seafood item!

Can The Food Network be the crabs’ next stop?  “The secret ingredient for tonight’s Top Chef is … the Green Crab!”

And in Massachusetts, Crab Warrior Bounty Hunters dump 1000’s of pounds of the crustaceans in organic farm compost fills … at 40 cents per pound!

And just like those sneaking across our southernmost border, these immigrants are also “of color” … this time green!

Just sayin’ …

The Lob-stah Pot …

Life’s falling apart in Maine … the State of hard-rock-logical-thinkers … down to earth farmers … “ya cahn’t get thaih from hearh” direction givers … and of course, Steven King’s throat curdling life threatening horror novels!

“Yeahup” … that Maine.

Home of Maine lob-stah … the lob-stah roll … lob-stah Thermidor, Newburg, bisque … or any of the bazillion other ways to serve the red crustaceans.

“What?” you say.

Rock-bed Maine falling apart?  Tell me … tell me more!

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Before you report me to PETA … or call my therapist … or my wife … let me offer you a disclaimer about, Maine lob-stahs and state drug laws.

Maine has lob-stahs in abundance … Maine is also somewhat-quasi-nearly-okay with recreational pot … and, Maine has a lot of lob-stah pots, too.

So it’s evident that Maine, lob-stahs and pot or pots, all work together harmoniously.

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Is it any wonder, therefore, that at least one zany Maine restaurateur … for those of you who are not conversant in menu French, that’s “a person who owns or is known to be in the restaurant business” … has blended all three of these ideas into one news grabbing, Maine shattering moment.

So relax all you believers that animals of all sorts/kinds feel our pain … if only we could feel theirs.

You now have a new idol to follow … Charlotte Gill, owner and head chef at Charlotte’s Legendary Lobster Pound.

This leading Maine-iac culinary artist‘s “smoking” her lob-stahs by placing them into tanks of cold water infused with “Maryjane-reefer-marijuana-dope-pot” smoke.

According to Gill, she thinks a stoned lobstah is a happier crustacean as it’s plunged to its inevitable end.

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I’m just a simple Florida Boy who don’t know nuttin’ about Maine type lob-stahs.

But it’s quite possible that this is a waste of good Maine dope.

What we need is a “lob-stah whisperer” who can determine a level of “lob-stah happiness.”  Otherwise we should let Charlotte live in her own web of humane treatment of lob-stah … regardless of whether they “feel pain.”

And … just a thought … if we can produce vintageless wine via molecular analysis and reconstruction … and 3D print edible pizza … why don’t we concentrate our collective scientific thought to spare those real and alive lob-stah and produce “fake” lob-stah for our culinary lob-stahphiles?

Besides … when was the last time you complained about the fake crab meat in your Sushi?

Just sayin’ …

Franken-trump

“I’ll have a pepperoni pizza … extra cheese … oh, and a new set of ears, please.”

3D printers are here … and they work.  Consternation, outrage and “OMG-we’re-going-to-destroy-ourselves” are building.

Maybe right-wing-reactionary-crowds won’t focus so much on wiping Hillary & Helen Keller from Texas history books … or ripping out the “magic pages” from Harry Potter library books … or during the Holidays, continue the freedom-fight to yell “Merry Christ-Mass” at Jews walking to Synagogue.

With 3D printers in the wrong hands … or maybe they’re the “right hands” … we’re sure to witness yet another major cultural upheaval.

Mary Shelley … as ye be rolling in your 1851 grave … make way for the “New and Improved Frankenstein!”

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It isn’t much of a leap of faith to move from 3D pizza … molecular constructed   vintage wines … and vegan beef … to bridge the creation abyss of real life and human creation a la Dr. Victor Frankenstein … who crudely stitched stolen body parts together to create his “new life.”

Creating “life” as a lab experiment is here … and we’re surely not ready for it.

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In the 3D Frankenstein Realm of created body parts, we already have human ears … maybe President Obama would be interested in a less Dumbo-like set.

The Dutch recently fitted a woman with a full-sized-see-thru skull … which didn’t look a bit like an NFL helmet.

And IKEA’s teamed up with gaming folks to 3D print chairs for those addicted fulltime gamers who suffer from “numbass.”  Their butts’re scanned … then a 3D printer builds a butt pad based on exact replication of their ass contours.

Another contribution to better living … or at least fewer hemorrhoids.

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And we all know who’s vitally interested in 3D printer replications … of himself.

Seriously Absurd has it on good authority that Nixon’s bowling alleys are gonezo … replaced by a flock of 3D printers running amok in the White House basement.

Under the guidance of none other than “Mad Doc Ronny Jackson” … erstwhile and disgraced Physician to the President … 3D’ers spit out various and sundry body parts … based on you-know-who’s DNA, cells and blood.

It’s only a matter of time before Robert Mueller won’t know who to charge … the House won’t know who to impeach … and the Senate won’t know who to convict.

The stage is set for the Mother of all 3D Nightmares … occurring right under our taxpayer noses … emerging piece-by-piece … it’s “Frankentrump.”

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I rarely pray … but I am now …

Just sayin’ …

Geraldo’s Back … and yelling, “Vault, vault? Did someone mention a vault?”

In an unanticipated Reality TV coupe de tȃte, diehard Trumpest Geraldo Rivera has volunteered to seek out the alleged documents sealed in David Pecker’s National Enquirer safe.

Leaning on the success he had with the search for Al Capone’s vault … Geraldo’s busy seeking a TV special broadcast contract with anybody who will return his calls.

Trump has already tweeted that he thinks Geraldo’s a “nice guy and fully capable of cracking Pecker’s safe.”  Trump also disavows all knowledge of the contents of the safe.

Pecker was not available for comment.

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Rumors abound about the safe’s contents.

According to the FBI it most likely contains self incriminating love letters between Trump and his BFF, Vladie Boy.

According to the three top FBI agents in the history of the Bureau … Comey, Strzok and McCabe … the safe could contain copies of the Selfies used by Vlad depicting Trump in compromising situations with the Russian President … and his horse … without shirts.

Pecker was available … but refused to comment.

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Congressional Republican Devin Nunes, chair of the House Intelligence Committee … a misnomer if there ever was one … and the guy who has stated that it’s his mission to singlehandedly derail the Mueller investigation … has called a special meeting of the Committee to require Democrats on the committee to find the safe, secure the documents, and deliver them directly to him so he can sneak them to the Oval office in the dead of night … any night … since he’s always up for a clandestine trip.

Pecker was spotted in public … wearing duct tape over his mouth.

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Meanwhile, Melania has secretly hired Omarossa to inveigle Pecker into giving her the combination to the safe so she … Melania … could read the documents first … remove all photos of her … and then return all documents to Pecker so AMI could start running all the stories about her soon-to-be-ex-husband.

The First Lady’s Office issued a statement that apparently indicates she no longer cares … and asks the question, “Would you?”

This change in the wording on her infamous designer jacket is her final word on whether she really cares … maybe … we think … or maybe not.

Pecker, though he did not comment … was seen scampering back to AMI headquarters with a Cheshire cat grin on his face.

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Meanwhile, the crack Seriously Absurd Safe Cracker Committee has located the Pecker safe and unloaded the contents.

Guess what?

The contents once and for all confirm that Trump’s an incompetent-womanizing-bigoted-racist-misogynist-lying-dirt-bag.

Glad we could clear up that piece of news.

Just sayin’ …