Grudge Match: God vs Bill O’Reilly

Bill O’Reilly, Fox Broadcasting’s arbiter of moral values and women’s private parts, has had it with God.

“You know, am I mad at God?  Yeah, I’m mad at him,” O’Reilly said in a recent podcast after being outted for his 32 million dollar sexual harassment settlement.

Meanwhile from on high, Heavenly Leakers spread the word … O’Reilly may be mad … but God’s eternally pissed.

After Mr. O’Reilly’s grandstand play … God’s on a mission to teach O’Reilly a lesson for all-time … up close and personal!

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It’s clear O’Reilly’s missed the whole Adam-Eve-Eden-scandal of original sin … man’s falling from grace.

God’s decided that it’s gonna take a good ‘ole fashioned ass whuppin’ to convince the wrinkled-prune-of-a-dried-up-wannabe-sex-symbol, that if your arms aren’t long enough to box with God … you shouldn’t!

Here’s the message delivered to the masses though his Son and manager …  “God’s Ready to Rumble!”

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“In this digital age, we’re not sending Moses to lay down a few simple rules of the road to a wandering ragtag Lost Tribe,” says Jesus.

No clay tablets here … look for a mass worldwide broadcast in 3D on HTV … that’s Heavenly TV to you Heathens, Pagans and non-believers.

“There’s only one way to settle this … and that’s to climb in the ring with the Supreme Gladiator … God the Father.

“Watch God ‘Open a can of Whup Ass’ on O’Reilly for only $6.66 … which includes two pair of 3D glasses.

“Dad just wants to get O’Reilly into the ring with Him.  We’re way beyond a Sunday School lesson with this guy.

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At the prefight weigh in, which was a formality since God has no measureable physical form, the Gladiator Supreme and the One-Who-Denigrates-Women faced off.

God suggested that Mr. O’Reilly, clearly the underdog, review the Old Testament and come to the fight Samson-like … armed with the jawbone of an ass … or emulate David with a few smooth flat river rocks and a sling.

O’Reilly implored God to take this opportunity to show His magnanimity and forgiveness to “Man-Kind” starting with him … Bill O’Reilly.

That produced a laugh from the Almighty One that rocked the heavens and sent O’Reilly scurrying rat-like back to his locker room hidey-hole … for more “locker room talk.”

The last words heard from O’Reilly were … “Tell Him I’ll donate 32 million to any church he wants … I promise.  I swear.  Oh, please God … it’ll be a ‘Deal made in Heaven!’”

Just sayin’ …

The Dead Man Fanny Pack

Did ya miss me?  Huh?  Huh?

So I’m trying to catch-up after almost two weeks of being in digital lockdown thanks to Hurricane Irma.

While “speed reading” thru emails and junk mail … BTW, I love my SPAM mail …  I catch a headline …”Dead Man Fanny Packs.”

I immediately think … blog material!

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First thoughts … is this a Fanny Pack for a dead man, or for the sake of PC’ness … Dead Person?

If so, then said dead person can carry some personal possessions to a Final Destination because, tucked neatly under his final suit jacket at his funeral, he’s wearing a … “Dead Man Fanny Pack” purchased directly from the funeral home for a small added cost.

I like that image.

It’s kinda like the burial traditions of other civilizations where personal possessions accompanied the deceased on their journey forward to the next world … or final resting place.

My Dad coulda used more golf balls for his afterlife trip.  He had a penchant for losin’ them … a terrible golfer.

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Second thoughts … Hmmm, maybe this is a Fanny Pack based on Thomas Harris’ “Silence of the Lambs.”  In addition to the gourmet cook and crazy man, Hannibal “The Cannibal” Lector, he gave us that quintessential serial killer, “Buffalo Bill” … the guy who got off on skinning women to remake “skin suits.”

Fanny Packs made from human skins … “Dead Man” Fanny Packs!

No way … a lotta weird stuff’s sold on the Internet but I think that one’s a stretch.

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By now I’ve turned to Dr. Google for the answer to my way overly fertile imagination.

Turns out that the Dead Man Fanny Pack’s a Halloween promotional item based on the Mexican celebration … “Dia de los Muertos,” or “Day of the Dead.”  Crap … and here I thought I had a rabbit to run that was very seriously absurd.

But I did notice one company selling the Packs was ironically seriously absurd … promoting their Dead Man Fanny Pack with a “lifetime guarantee.”

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Apparently, the only thing serious and absurd about this topic is my brain.  But, then you know that while I only suspect it.

Just sayin’ …

Take that, you turkey!

From Maine to Iowa, and Wisconsin to California, people are reporting vicious unprovoked attacks.  Their attackers lurk in front yards, bushes and trees.

No one’s safe!

After years of exploitation and holiday appearances on gluttonous festive fall tables, it appears that it’s “pay back time” for Americans.  Yes … it’s a matter of revenge and repayment.

After clawing their way back from near extinction to over 7 million strong, the wild turkey has come home to roost … and we’re in their roosting territory!

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Most recently it seems these wild and reckless gobblers are switching roles from the hunted to the hunters.  Just ask the denizens of Stamford, CT.

Connecticut Yuppies, Preppies, and filthy rich have been feeding the wild fowl and now they’re screaming, “Foul!” because turkeys don’t seem to give a “turkey scat” about their social status, cars, or Ivy League credentials.

The Turkeys want their land back and they want it now!  They’re enraged numbers are high enough to scare the whale blotched pants and Lily skirts off all those Preppies!

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Move over, Rover.  Chewing on the mail man’s no longer your sole domain.

Turkeys have usurped your favorite targets … US Postal Carriers.

“Turkey-sperts” – my name for self-appointed Turkey Behavioral Experts – explain that the regularity of postal schedules allows these bird brains to establish a behavioral pattern.

Now, they hide in waiting for their shot at new game … “Postal Hunt-n-Peck!”

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These same “avian-nists” warn people … “When you’re under attack, do not turn and run.  This just makes the turkey ‘bolder.’”

Bolder?  WTF?  How frickin’ bold can a turkey be?

We’re talkin’ big fat feathery birds that gobble better than they can fly.  We’re not talkin’ Grizzly Bears or Bengal Tigers!  It’s 12’ish pounds of feathers armed with a beak and a wattle.

C’mon man – stand your ground!

Stop … take aim … and drop kick that “Feathered Butterball” into your neighbor’s yard.

And speakin’ of “taking aim,” if unlike most gun owners you can hit the bird and not your own toe or nether regions … “turkey trot” to your mailbox locked and loaded and with a single shot, blow your potential Thanksgiving dinner into the street!

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Given all this turkey uproar, I wonder if “L’orange 45” will continue the November tradition of Presidential pardons.

Probably … past turkeys pardoned have been American bred … and white!

That would give him three free white birds since he’s already pardoned his first “turkey” – ex-sheriff Joe Arpaio!

Just sayin’ …

What to do with all that bronze?

Aargh … we’re in the middle of another Bronze Age.  But this one’s different.

It’s all about what we can do with the 1500+ Confederate symbols scattered across the country… of which 750+ are Confederate war statues.

Ideas are pouring into the central office of Seriously Absurd with the “sound and fury” of a Willie Shakespeare play.

Excuse me … I gotta head to the “Throne Room” and brainstorm what to do with all this s**t!

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One suggestion … replicate the Amarillo, TX Cadillac Ranch featuring the statues buried ass-up with heads in the sand … or maybe vice-versa?  Nope … we’ve got 750+ statues and the Cadillac Ranch is only 10 ‘Lacs large!

Another … smelt down the statues and shape the molten metal into doorstops for all the Trump properties.  Nope … we know he’d never pay the final bill!

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But of course … Here’s the winner … Florida’s #1 commodity … theme parks!

Ta Da! … Johnny Reb’s Guns & Galleries … a new Florida theme park!

It’s a sure shot to be another major draw in Central Florida’s unending “War for the Tourist Buck.”

Take over one of the many struggling Florida malls … massive land parcels readily available … ample parking … crying for investors.

Not to give away too many details, but the purveyors of White Hate could solve several of their problems in one central spot … and it would all be legal!

Pssst … don’t tell them they’d be paying taxes.  That’d royally piss ‘em off!

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JR’sG&G … a legitimate outlet to vent pent up negative behavior and emotions!

Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!  Suitable for undereducated & unskilled white males!

EZ Gun Sales … use Florida’s weekend “Gun Show Loophole” and get your weapon on-the-spot!

Florida’s the “Vacation State” … indoctrinate your progeny at an early age with discounts for repeat visits.

Hone your hate and bile skills at Johnny Reb’s Guns & Galleries.

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It’s “Eden-esque” for Civil War statues.  Scattered throughout JR’sG&G, it’ll be like they never left home!

Visit the Disney knock-off “Hall of Dissidents” … see and hear your favorite historical Southern Treasonist and his plan to overthrow the “US Gubmint!”

And be sure to stop at Ford’s Theatre to catch the Abe Lincoln Assassination … a special one act play featuring live actors!

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What better way to expose hate in our society than to monetize it in the klieg lights of an amusement park …  capitalism and Johnny Reb’s … they kinda go together!

Just sayin’ …

Privacy … the Last Bastion

‘There are times when I still appreciate the feel of paper.’

FLASH … Over 60% of people confess they use their cell phone while they’re on the toilet.  The other 40% are probably lying.

Your cell phone’s already more contaminated from bacteria and viruses than you want to know about … and, that’s before you go in!

The emotional and the anal toll of using your cell phone while in the bathroom … though not quantified … are real.

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For many of us, the last bastion of privacy from the digital world is the bathroom.

It’s the place where you can “let it all go.”  You can “s**t or get off the pot.”  You can stink up the room and still think … “your s**t doesn’t stink.”

It’s the place where you can be alone and not feel guilty that you’re enjoying your “down time.”

Unless, of course, you’re clutching your demon-digital-device!

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Only if you’re a contortionist who can open the bathroom door … and have prehensile toes so you can flush the toilet and manage the faucets while wearing protective socks … will you avoid mega-contamination of your cell phone while using it in the bathroom.

Your cell phone’s an extension of your hand.  Remember that as you play Angry Birds perched on your throne … everything you’ve touched gets transferred to your phone.

One in six phones examined is contaminated with E.coli bacteria and that’s before you’ve entered the Petri dish of fecal aerosol particles, viruses and pathogens called “the bathroom.”

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The average time spent toileting has increased to 100+ minutes per week for men … women are in and out in a mere 80+ minutes per week.  As a result, there’s a new syndrome in town … I call it “Butt Drag Syndrome” … or BDS.

A big part of that time-on-task-increase is blamed on a load of multitasking while dumping.  You know … reading and grunting … gaming and farting … not to mention x-word puzzling and Iphoning.

God forbid we simply tend to our business.  31% of people have stayed on the toilet longer just to finish a social media task … while 44% have heard a toilet flush from the other end of a phone!

Consider the G-Force pull and tug to your cute butt thanks to gravitational pressure!

Gravity’s winnin’ every minute you’re not movin’ and groovin’!

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So, to avoid worry over who’s done what and where in that stall … and a saggy-baggy-bottom … keep your already unclean phone in your pocket.  And BTW, when’s the last time you cleaned your damn phone?

Just sayin’ …

Bored Bezos Goes on Shopping Spree!

Jeff Bezos, Amazon’s CEO and 3rd wealthiest global capitalist openly admitted that playing Trump-attack-dog with his newspaper toy, the Washington Post, has finally lost its allure and now he’s bored out of his gourd.

According to Bezos, Trump’s nothing but dumbed-down, low hanging rotten fruit for low brows.

“I want to play in a bigger well stocked to-hell-with-the-cost market.”

That’s why, in a surprise move, he’s agreed to pay a fire sale price of only 13.7 billion dollars – CASH! – for Whole Foods … that bastion of over priced, over packaged, over hyped food, beverage and beauty care products for the non-price conscious.

Bezos, an investor junkie, hopes he can mainline excitement via his Whole Foods acquisition.

To Bezos, Trump – who now spends all his time claiming he’s not being investigated but still wants to fire the investigator, is nothing but Fake Tiffany gold!

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The purchase of the incredibly snobby and boorish Whole Foods operation catapults Amazon’s food status to the Neiman Marcus level of retailing.

Bezos makes it clear … “I get goose bumps just thinking about our first Whole Foods Xmas catalog with a special centerfold … Whole Foods’ Surprise Once in a Lifetime Food Gift!”

Obviously offered with free shipping for Prime Members.

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Amazon shares immediately skyrocketed based on the Bezos-King-Midas-like decision … everything he touches turns to gold!

Future plans call for closing “all those architecturally tacky Whole Foods stores.”

The WF parking lots, all in “prime locations” – pun intended – will be the cornerstones of a country-wide Drone Port network for fresh and prepared food delivery … anywhere in the USA in less than 30 minutes.

“Expensive fast foods is an under developed market which we will dominate by 2019.  Our goal is to deposit elite office quality cuisine into every cubicle in America.

“Whether it’s Bangor, CA or Bangor, ME.”

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Imagine the impact on the psyches of all the droned-out workers in the US.

They slave all day on phones listening to raging customers … have to use kludgey outdated software on junkyard bound computers … and have no, zero, nada privacy.

But at lunch … they’ll be able to nosh on an Israeli sweet onion roll, slathered with Parisian hand whisked Dijonnaise, stuffed with wild Caspian Sea crispy flash fried oysters … delivered in minutes for only $17.99.

No delivery charge for Prime!

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Bezos also quickly corrected Fake News reports that Alexis misunderstood him when he asked her to buy him an enchilada from Whole Foods … but instead bought him – the whole enchilada!

Just sayin’ …

I Can See Clearly Now

The good news is, I can see clearly now from my right eye.  The other good news is that I’m told by experts in the eye fixing medical field, that my improved vision will not impact my writing abilities.

For some of you, that could be disappointing news.

The really good news is that I spent most of this past week on some weird local anesthetics, so I spent two days messing around with the top of my head and not finding the time to sit down and seriously and absurdly expound on the conditions of our world.

But … have no fear.  There’s always next week and the feeling’s returned to my hairy dome.

In the meantime, your assignment is to go back and re-read your favorite blog.  A test will be emailed to you once you’ve registered your favorite blog with me.

Peace … love … and go to Dairy Queen to claim your free cone … tell ‘em I sent you!

Land Ho … A Great American Land Grab

An unclaimed sliver of land is about to become the media center of world obsession.

If you ask Junior & Eric Trump … “Trump Tundra Ice-Golf & Spa … always on the move!” is perfect for a new Trump International investment.  They have yet to grasp that ice melts in water.  Damn science facts in their way again!

And keeping it “All in the Family,” President Trumplethinskin himself is chanting … “Make America Bigger Again … Make America Bigger Again!”

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In an unprecedented move, The Trump Organization, represented by that “Fab Duo,” Junior and Eric … petitioned the US State Department to take occupation of the Larsen C Ice Shelf when it separates from Antarctica.

Jumping at the opportunity for US expansion, President Thinskin, in a 3AM tweet, instructed Congress to immediately annex the Antarctic ice shelf as a US Territory … before it comes under the influence of Radical Islamic Terrorists … or even Russia.

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No single country owns Antarctica.  But no one thought that a frozen chunk … the size of Rhode Island … would break away from the continent.

Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson, refused to comment on the J/E Trump request … even under his oft used alias.  But, State Department insiders revealed that he was overheard muttering, “What ever possessed me to say ‘yes’ to that f**king moron?”

The T-Rump sons are desperate to “make their bones” with their dad and get out from under his alleged small thumbs.  “Tundra Ice-Golf and Spa” seems like a money maker … to them!

As usual, Congress has yet to respond to the President’s tweet until he shows them evidence of ex-President Obama’s wiretapping.

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Unnamed sources, the only way to get news now, leaked that the President recently watched a Nat Geo rerun and was amazed to learn that seals loved ice and cold.

He thought they loved zoos.

Now, in place of his embattled Mexican Wall, he’s desperate to substitute a yuuge and bigly military training base for Navy Seal Team 6.

When the plan was revealed to DoD Secretary, James “Mad Dog” Mattis, a loud “WTF?” rumbled through the doors of his mega-secure office.

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Meanwhile muddying the international waters even more, US Intelligence leaked that Ruski troops are prepared to invade the mega ice cube the day it breaks from Antarctica.

Ownership of this largest source of cocktail ice is not clear to anyone … not even RE/MAX International.

Just sayin’ …

C-Span Ratings Irk Trumpelthinskin

Demonstrating that he’s capable of fighting wars on multiple fronts … think Streep Tweet War, Putin Hack War, Cabinet Confirmation War, Personal Lawsuit Wars, No DC Gown Wars … President-elect Trump now has C-Span (Congressional TV) in his sights.

He’s pissed about C-Span’s nonexistent TV ratings and is determined to “Make C-Span Great – Finally!”

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In fact, his China Trade connection, “Chairman Mayo” – a clever Mao body double and the only Chinaman T-Rump recognizes – has personally confirmed that China’s prepared to ship 62,979,636 hats to support his new C-Span campaign.

BTW … that’s one for each T-Rump voter.

In a 3 AM tweet T-Rump proclaimed: “THE WALL CAN WAIT! NATO SCHMATO! C-SPAN CAN’T- # MUST SAVE C-SPAN! NEW HATS ONLY $8 – PERFECT FOR VALENTINE’S DAY!”

According to sources, in his first 100 days T-Rump will empower Sean Hannidy of “Fake FOX News” to head a presidential task force – funded from hat sales minus costs to Trump Enterprises.

The Task Force’s comprised of noted B-list Hollywood movie moguls, actors, and valet parking attendants.

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T-Rump wants C-Span congressional floor debates to be introduced with specially written partisan political party fight songs performed by the singers and dancers used to kick-off NFL TV broadcast games.

Lights, smoke, thunderous-pounding music and lotsa hunky, sexy, bods, strutting  on stage provide the warm-up for these blood-debates.

Speakers appear in sequined satin suits … blue for Dem and red for GOP … displaying logos for their major donors and PACs.

A shirtless and buffed-up Bernie Sanders is promised as a special speaker.  Bernie Bros announced that he’s already training for the events.

Sanders tweeted … “I’m psyched! Can’t wait! Will make the GOP pay for the Damn Wall! Free college in 2020!”

Special on-line trash talking and “dissing” lessons are for speakers who want to “up their debate game.”

Expect to hear “Yoh mama” … “Shut yo punk a**, you Moh-Foh” … and “Your Mudder wears army boots” … that last one’s a throw-in for generationally challenged speakers.

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According to presidential consulting-advisor-caught-flatfooted-and-hamena-hamena-specialist, Kelleyanne Conway, “President-elect Trump is determined to boost C-Span ratings.  We’re the laughing stock of TV politics.”

T-Rump himself issued a final statement:

“Look at other countries.  Throwing chairs and having fist-fights in chambers.  That’s Reality Congress!

“Think Kevin Spacey – ‘House of Cards’ on steroids.  ‘Madam Secretary?’ … Can it.  Stunk up TV.  So unrealistic.

“We’re talking about Congressional Entertainment.  Boring?  Wrong!

“Reality C-Span … That’s what I’m talking about!”

Oh, my … Just sayin’ …

Joy to the Wallet

As I write this, there are 24 days, 13 hours, 12 minutes and 50 seconds left until Xmas.

we_usually_shop_at_home

Remember when we used to only track the “shopping days ‘til Xmas?”

No more.  Thanks to “Cyber Shopping,” now we count days, hours, minutes and seconds as we shop for Xmas 24-7.

C’mon Man … how much fun is it staring at your E-device instead of warming up with a Margarita or two, heading into town, parallel parking with bravado, sharp elbows popping other shoppers outta your way, tanking up on more Margaritas, telling the store wrapper to “skip the bow ‘cause you’re in a hurry,” looking for that one last gift that you think’ll be perfect … did I mention the barrels of essential Margaritas?

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This year, I decided to try my hand at … online shopping, a grand venture into the vast unknown of … “The Internet Economy!”

I randomly grabbed three print-catalogs that Xmas marketers jammed into our mail box.

“The Popcorn Factory” … “Sharper Image” … and “What on Earth, a collection of really cool stuff – over a 450 gifts under $20.”

Using these catalogs, I started my “on-the-line” spree.

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My motto – tackle the Big Dawg first!  I logged into “What on Earth.”  Hey, 450 items under $20 … that’s what I’m talkin’ about!

I e-searched and discovered there’s a lotta really worthless s**t for $20-$40.

But, the Superhero Apron Set – that caught my eye.  Wonder Woman, endowed with breasts that drove sex-crazed-teen-boys into a frenzy, and Captain America, with a built in codpiece crotch.  Yowzaa!

I could see my wife and I boogying in the kitchen, cooking up a storm, seducing each other in our hot-to-trot aprons … $24.95.

I rethought the aprons.  Not Happenin’!

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Next, I dove into the food arena via The Popcorn Factory.

I could tell right away this wasn’t Jiffy Pop over-the-stove-popcorn-s**t!

Let’s go whole hawg!  I zeroed-in on the popcorn tyranny-tower of Dancing Reindeer Tins.  Only $169.95.

Uh oh … the tower’d probably collapse from rot before we could snack through it!

Not Happenin’!

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Then I went Big Time … the Sharper Image – home of “Tomorrow’s Best Gifts Available Today!”

Who doesn’t want to have a “sharper image?”  I was hooked.

And here it is – a “Shoe Deodorizer!  A stand-up thingie that uses ultraviolet light that’s been “tested to kill harmful germs in a laboratory setting.”

OMG … wonder if it’ll work in the closet.  That’s kinda like a very unusual laboratory setting.

Gotta have it … only $139.99.

Hmmm.  I’ve never ever met anyone who sniffs shoes.  That’s a big Not Happenin’!

Guess I’ll just learn to love my somewhat-less-than-sharper-image.

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After a rigorous day of on-the-line shopping, I let out a deep breath and whispered to no one in particular but quite possibly everyone in general …

“Merry Xmas to all and to all a good night … I’m waitin’ ‘til the 24th to shop!”

Just sayin’ …