Seriously Absurd Blog


Killer Fashions: “You too, can stand your ground, look good, and quick-draw!”

When the models strut down this high fashion runway, you’d better duck for cover.  They’re all packin’ and you’ll be the last to know … ‘cause you’re watching a “Concealed Carry Fashion Show!”

It’s the hottest fashion show to hit the scene since Victoria’s Secret Angel’s got their wings.  No competition...Read More »


Take that, you turkey!

From Maine to Iowa, and Wisconsin to California, people are reporting vicious unprovoked attacks.  Their attackers lurk in front yards, bushes and trees.

No one’s safe!

After years of exploitation and holiday appearances on gluttonous festive fall tables, it appears that it’s “pay back time” for Americans.  Yes … it’s a matter...Read More »


What to do with all that bronze?

Aargh … we’re in the middle of another Bronze Age.  But this one’s different.

It’s all about what we can do with the 1500+ Confederate symbols scattered across the country… of which 750+ are Confederate war statues.

Ideas are pouring into the central office of Seriously Absurd with the “sound and fury”...Read More »


Oh My ... 45’s* still with us! ..................................................................... (*Many now refer to Trump as “45” ... not President.)

I was desperately searching for non-45 related blog ideas trying to break free from the “He-who-shall-not-be-mentioned” malaise fogging my brain, reducing my food cravings, and maximizing my urge for self-destructive behavior.

I found some non-sciencers who think the solar eclipse is the “Devil’s Spawn.”  Potential fun there.

The Smurf Village in Juzcar,...Read More »


Google Guy Opens Mouth ... Inserts Size 13 Foot!

Uhoh … Google’s done it again.  Yes … on the famed Google Campus … that jewel of openness and corporate camaraderie … the place where everyone else would love to be.

Yep, that Google.

The nasty, dirty, warty, abusive underbelly of their ideal workplace environment … and unbelievable cafeteria options … has...Read More »


I tried making friends without Facebook

The other day I was thinking about the “good old days.”  You know … the ones before Facebook.

I tried to recall what I did to “make friends.”  It seemed to be really easy for me, but I wondered:  Maybe I’ve lost that touch since most of my friend-making now involved...Read More »


If I had it to do all over again ... Dream Weddings

I dunno about you, but there are few things in my life I’d redo.

That doesn’t mean that I’ve been that good … it just means that my mistakes didn’t occur where there were lawyers or cops around.

But then I read in The Huffington Post that you can “dream your own...Read More »


Privacy ... the Last Bastion

‘There are times when I still appreciate the feel of paper.’

FLASH … Over 60% of people confess they use their cell phone while they’re on the toilet.  The other 40% are probably lying.

Your cell phone’s already more contaminated from bacteria and viruses than you...Read More »


Paul Ryan’s War against Women Baring Arms

Well … we may not be able to get meaningful legislation passed in Congress, but at least we‘ll “look good” in Paul Ryan’s House of Representatives.

“Tall Paul,” who’s beginning to look more and more like that ridiculously un-cuddly Munster son, Eddie Wolfgang Munster, has taken the control of the House...Read More »


Conspiracy: Follow the Bouncing Ball

Just when I thought the US owned all Fake News, I read … “China floods Eastern markets with plastic rice!”

Wow … glad rice isn’t my go-to-side dish or the base for my entrée.

This is a yuuge and bigly Asian-pseudo-scandal that periodically pops up.  And when it does, everyone goes bat...Read More »


Presidents and “Hunting” — Macho, Macho Man!

Most politicians hunt more than votes to prove they’re manly enough to bring home the bacon needed to fill the pork barrel called Washington.

Witness Teddy “Sure-they-named-a-cuddly-bear-after-me” Roosevelt.  He sure made it clear he was a “Big Game Guy” when he cleared the prairies and the African savannahs to establish his...Read More »


Bored Bezos Goes on Shopping Spree!

Jeff Bezos, Amazon’s CEO and 3rd wealthiest global capitalist openly admitted that playing Trump-attack-dog with his newspaper toy, the Washington Post, has finally lost its allure and now he’s bored out of his gourd.

According to Bezos, Trump’s nothing but dumbed-down, low hanging rotten fruit for low brows.

“I want to play...Read More »


How Not to Feel Totally F**ked Over

There’s no question that garden-variety-non-one-per-cent Americans feel like they’re royally f**ked.

Here’re a few ideas on how we can move back from the edge of an imminent America-sized sinkhole and the international “game of chicken” we’ve been playing.

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Foreign Affairs … Our current approach makes the Huns, Vandals and Visigoths look like...Read More »


Does this surgery make my butt look ...?

Quick … get Carl Hiaasen on the line!  Miami’s just uncovered the whackiest of whack jobs … a perfect candidate for his next novel.

No stranger to the medical field, Hiaasen’s dentists, doctors, nurses and quasi-medical quacks have starred in his zany Florida novels.

Many of these characters came straight from that...Read More »


Worry ... What me?

Worry has a way about it.  Almost everything I’ve worried about has had little or no impact on my life and in retrospect most of it’s been, “Seriously Absurd.”

Elementary school trying “to please” my parents … running with scissors, dodge ball, cursive, spelling tests … and the school bully.

I survived.

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Junior...Read More »


Andy & I ... An Oval Office Conversation

Date … any day President Trump’s in the White House … therefore, not a weekend or Friday afternoon.

Time … 3 AM.

Scene … Oval Office … Trump’s pacing in front of the Presidential Portrait of “Ole#7,” Andrew Jackson … Trump’s clutching his Presidential Blackberry …Jackson’s portraited eyes follow Trump.

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PrezT:  I dunno,...Read More »


News Flash! This Just In ...

In my attempt to be totally informed and up to date, I check rogue Twitter accounts, obscure Lithuanian blogs, the “Dark Web,” and cave writings looking for information below the public’s radar.

Some of you may doubt the veracity of the following alt-alt-facts.

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President Barack completes application for membership at Mar-a-Lago.

His “Family...Read More »


Bring Back the Mastadons!

Bring back the Mastodons … manly-kind is in crisis!

When the Mastodons dominated North America … also known as the “all-things-manly-days” … men led pheromone laced lives.

They gathered in smelly gangs of “Bros” and ran through the wild lands yelling, screaming and shaking their spears as they hunted the Megafauna to...Read More »


“And another one bites the dust ...”

21st Century Fox pronounced again … “We will no longer tolerate sexual harassment in our workplace!

No trouser dropping, genital grabbing, sex laced innuendo spouting old men allowed in our studios.”

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At least not this one particular guy.

On the same day he shook hands with Pope “Frank-the-Wonder” Francis, Bill “Leer-Grunt-and-Masturbate” O’Reilly was...Read More »


Speed Eating Sports ... Gluttons Make it to the Big Time

Ladies and Gentlemen … start your choppers!

Open … stuff … chomp … glug!

You’ve now entered the arena of “speed eating sports” where there’s no time for chewing or savoring.

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Though it may not take the highly honed hand-eye coordination of other sports … food eating contests have captured the imagination of...Read More »


As if we didn’t have enough to worry about ... Now there’s “Bunnygeddon!”

Easter’s right around the corner.  Oh boy!  Bring on the bunnies!

Bunnies are so-o-o cute and cuddly.  Bunnies are soft and allegedly gentle.  But … bunnies become rabbits and that’s the problem.

Not the problem visited upon the hapless folks in a small Arizona town invaded by 1,000s of mutant, carnivorous killer...Read More »


The New Stooges ... Donnie, Mitch & Paulie

Fear not … those of you concerned about education and specifically pre-school learning.

Donny, Mitch and Paulie, the Three Stooges of DC, have teamed up with their new BFF, Betsy “I-Know-My-ABC’s-And-Am-A-Nice-Person” DeVoss, and are coming to our rescue.

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It’s a FOX/Trump re-make of that outdated TV preschool neighborhood … aptly named …...Read More »


Land Ho ... A Great American Land Grab

An unclaimed sliver of land is about to become the media center of world obsession.

If you ask Junior & Eric Trump … “Trump Tundra Ice-Golf & Spa … always on the move!” is perfect for a new Trump International investment.  They have yet to grasp that ice melts in water. ...Read More »


Step back from your microwave ... your TV ... and your fridge

Break out the tinfoil hats.  The best is yet to come.

The “Trump Fake Newsies” just keep on coming.  I can’t make this s**t up fast enough to keep up with the real fake news that the news fakers try to fake us out with daily.

Trumplethinskin staffers may as well sing...Read More »


What if ______ had an iPhone?

Communicating with each other’s here to stay.  It’s not a fad.

It all started with grunts and hand motions.  And it worked for early grunters.

Raise your grunt volume for emphasis, or use endearing little grunts in the private dark recesses of the cave.

No food in the larder?  She grunts, points at...Read More »


A Day Without ...?

First we had The Women’s March … aka The Nasty Woman and Pink Pussy Hat Day.

Not to be out done by this massive vulvaic-female demonstration … on February 16th, we had our first “A Day without Immigrants” … which according to reports unfortunately cost lots of hard working immigrants their...Read More »


Get Your Bachelor's Degree in "Protest Science"

Several “for profit” universities in Flori-duh, a state that generally abhors education, jumped at the opportunity to offer the nation’s first certification degree in “Protest Science.”

Spurred on by the alt-fact observations of the current administration that “all the protests against their agenda are obviously the work of paid professionals,” these...Read More »


Mother Trumpie Goose

President Thinskin, AKA “L’homme d’orange,” has oozed into almost all of our waking hours … our thoughts … our discussions … and quite possibly that safe place we once held as carefree kids.

Our Mother Goose Land of Make Believe.

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The soon to be released “Trumpie Goose Rhymes,” the must have nightie-night...Read More »


Tom Brady's Super Bowl Jersey Stolen: Waa, Waa!

Sound the claxons!  Man the battle stations!  Inflate the gates!

A thief moves among the New England Patriots.

In a brazen act, under the cloak of jubilant celebratory chaos, Tom Brady’s #12 Super Bowl game jersey was stolen from the dirty uniform paraphernalia Mr. Terrific stuffed into his “game bag” inside his...Read More »


Bringing Home the Bacon

“To market, to market, to buy a fat pig;
Home again, home again, dancing a jig….”

Thank you, Mother Goose.

Wake up America and smell the bacon!  Wait a minute … hold those hogs!

For two days America was on the brink of a crisis of true Trumpian proportions … not an alt-fact-Reality-TV-cooked-up-crisis!

Angst...Read More »


Doom-da-Doom-Doom Doom-da-Doom-Doom Doom-da-Doom-Doomsday!

We’ve seen, read or heard some version of all of these: “The sky is falling … the sky is falling” … “The end is near” … “The world will end some time tomorrow.”

But shock and awe … I just learned we actually maintain a “Doomsday Clock.”  And, we’re very serious...Read More »


“Hey little girl, wanna sell me a cookie?”

‘Tis the season.  Yep … just like clockwork.

It’s that time when you hear the doorbell … and it’s not Amazon.com dropping off the package you ordered a few hours ago.  Prime pays, Baby!

You race to the door, fling it open and you’re greeted by the cherubic smile from the girl-in-green...Read More »


C-Span Ratings Irk Trumpelthinskin

Demonstrating that he’s capable of fighting wars on multiple fronts … think Streep Tweet War, Putin Hack War, Cabinet Confirmation War, Personal Lawsuit Wars, No DC Gown Wars … President-elect Trump now has C-Span (Congressional TV) in his sights.

He’s pissed about C-Span’s nonexistent TV ratings and is determined to “Make...Read More »


Who Says There's No Free Lunch

No wonder Millennials can’t cook.  They’re cashing in on incredible free eats where they work.  And from what I’ve read, there’s no way in hell they’re cooking in their own little Silicon Valley kitchenette hovels … where all their money goes for rent.

Recently I caught a lead-in phrase which started...Read More »


Santa “The Red”

I’m in line at the Post Office … brain and eyes wandering.  They strobe across a photo posted on the wall.

I move closer to take a look.

The Feds are after some guy for burglary … trespassing … flying w/o a license … entering restricted no-fly zones … violations of child...Read More »


Holiday Weigh-In

Tis the season to be fatter .. Fa la la la la,la la la la.

My stomach grows it doesn’t matter … Fa la la la la la, la la la la.

Wait a minute.  Don’t worry!  I’ve got the secret!  I have found The Way … The Cure!  I denounce the “fatitude”...Read More »


Joy to the Wallet

As I write this, there are 24 days, 13 hours, 12 minutes and 50 seconds left until Xmas.

Remember when we used to only track the “shopping days ‘til Xmas?”

No more.  Thanks to “Cyber Shopping,” now we count days, hours, minutes and seconds as we shop for Xmas 24-7.

C’mon Man …...Read More »


Trump Out ... Thanks Giving In

I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted from the Trump this, that and everything.  If there is a Media Hog God in this world, please let her rise up, hit the delete key and get rid of the monster that’s been created.

Don “The Con” hasn’t even been sworn in...Read More »


And you thought 2016 was all about Trump vs Hillary

The wild and wooly 2016 presidential election’s over.  The peaceful, but awkward transition of power’s begun.

Democratic Party autopsies, euphemisms for “I told you so,” are rolling out.

But the real fun of a spent election is the review of ballot issues that don’t get the nation’s attention … the state and...Read More »


Sperm ‘n Eggs

When you make a deposit at the bank, you’re expected to keep your genitals in your pants … most of the time.

But, that’s not required at a new bank in the area.

I’m not messing with you!  You won’t be arrested.  You‘re not gonna be the new poster boy replacing Weiner’s...Read More »


Flori-duh ... Why Leave?

So what’s the deal with all these non-Flori-duh states flooding my pristine (just kidding) airwaves extolling their virtues?

My screen’s filled with crap about why I need to haul my butt to … Michigan, or New York, or Pennsylvania.  Comeon, man!

Do you really expect me to buy into the fly fishing...Read More »


Just Released: Donald Trump Stars in “Nasty Woman”

Debates number one and two were packed with lots of good s**t … especially if you’re a poke-fun-at-anything-that-moves Blogger.

But that third one … what a gold mine.  A real monster lode.

And it was wrapped-up in bright orange flesh, skanky orange hair, and unbelievably bushy orange eyebrows.  The vein just kept...Read More »


Creepy Clowns? Stephen King ... What Did You Spawn?

It’s October … time for pumpkin spice in everything we cook, smell, drink, slather and otherwise ingest into our bodies.  Yummy!

Time for adult Halloween costume parties.  Yippee!

Time to send in the clowns.  Uh oh!

What’s up?  Bozo, Ronald McDonald and Clarabell … have you gone over to the dark side?

Is there...Read More »


The Trump-mandments

And Don the Con emerged from the Penthouse in the Sky.

Descending on his gilded escalator, his bitty hands cradle a gold-plated Power Point … displayed for all to see.

His baseball hatted worshipers peer at him in glassy eyed adulation as He bellows, “This Power Point was given directly to me...Read More »


Americans ... Cleanup your act ... The Bum Gun is here.

I don’t know about you, but I’m sick and tired of feeling like an “Ugly American” … an unclean citizen of the world.

Some of us feel so ugly that when we travel, we say … “We’re Canadian.”

Canadians?  What’s up with that?

You know the Canadians.  They’re the ones who live just...Read More »


Super Debate #1 ... Party Plans

Just got back from Publix … with my stash for my Super Debate #1 Bash!

Been mentally prepping for weeks.  Lots of suspense … who’s gonna grab the Super Debate #1 ring?

On the kitchen counter I sort my stash into my basic food groups:  Alcohol … beer, wine (for my wife)...Read More »


Not another Claxton!

Lowe’s hasn’t put out Xmas decorations yet, but I can already hear the “Devil’s Décor” rattling around in boxes trying to get to the shelves and ruin my Xmas.

This year I’m beating Lowe’s to the punch and starting my Xmas spirit early.

There’s a chill in the air, a spring in...Read More »


A chicken in every pot ... 1928 ............... A taco truck on every corner ... 2016

You know what takes real balls?  Making a tangible campaign promise.  One that can be easily measured by voters.

Herbert Hoover did that in 1928 when he not only promised “a chicken in every pot,” but went on to promise “a car in every garage.”

But … just to prove that the...Read More »


To Floss or not to Floss?

That may be the question, but suddenly millions of us are chomping on our dental plates to know, “what’s the effing answer?”

After years of dire warnings, what do you mean there’s no evidence that daily flossing is beneficial?

I’ve wrestled with that crippling guilt of being an Intermittent Flosser, or “IFer,”...Read More »


Kurt Vonnegut ... “I tell you, we’re here on earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.”

Aaah, Sweet Baby, Geezus.  I was thinking about the reality of living with someone in shared space colliding with our fantasies of relationships.

You’re probably already sayin’, “Whoa back, Richard … there’s still time.  Get your meds … or some Vodka.

“You still share space with a really wonderful person.  Don’t blow...Read More »


We’re not on Sesame Street anymore, Oscar!

Donald Trump’s burn down the stage, the country and all other flammable objects on the planet has folks looking to space travel to escape his one man conflagration.

I, on the other hand, am not joining them.   Having read all Sherlock Holmes’ novels, I have honed my considerable skills to detect...Read More »


It’s an all new Hall of Shame

I’m assembling a star studded collection for my new unvarnished-forever-to-live-in-history, GOP Un-Truth-Truth Hall of Shame.

Immortalized by bronze busts and abutting their “Blue Ribbon” bronzed word salads, these GOP’ers represent the best-of-the-best.

Tickets for the Hall may be purchased at any WalMart. Fat old white men receive a 50% discount – no...Read More »


Poo ... but not Winnie

Warning … warning!  This blog may have laxative effects.

Sometimes an idea, or ideas, for a blog rumble around my cranial nether regions … or maybe the phrase should be “cranium and nether regions” … and then, before I know it, a blog explodes.

Lucky you … read on if you...Read More »


Pop, Pop – No Pop – Sad

The GOP Convention’s over.  I’ve learned that we’re on the verge of a total apocalyptical collapse and only Don the Con can save us.

Thank the gods we have The Con.  I sure hope he can solve another major problem facing millions of us.

In one smooth innovative patent swoop, Sealed...Read More »


The Yuugest Show on Earth

It’s time for the “Carrot Face Big Top Convention” … The GOP’s Circus Maximus is the “Yuugest Show on Earth!”

Picture all three rings filled with enraged blood thirsty pachyderms, twirling in tutus.  Astride two are the presidential hopeful and his Veep pick.

All are followed closely by the “GOP Losers”...Read More »


The Secret Life of Corn Flakes

I was thirteen … the age when boys usually became “sexually aware” of their bodies.  Yep, “dat tang” suddenly was available for something other than peeing.

So I got my first, “The Doctor Says …” pamphlet from my mom, which she slipped under my pillow.

I dutifully read it, but what...Read More »


Everything you never wanted to know about “Brexit”

Under no circumstances should you try to Wikipedia, Google or SNOPES my ideas, or in any way assign a degree of truth to what I say about “Brexit” … the British exit from the European Union.

That’s not to say, I’m a hoax.  Just consider yourself duly warned...Read More »


You Say “Vacation and I Say “Nakation”...

I got invited to dinner the other night and couldn’t make up my mind about what not to wear.

Yep.  That’s right.  I was headed out to try one of the hottest new dining trends … I call it “Nudie-Foodies.”

Okay … so I made that up … but only the...Read More »


Walter Cronkite ... where are you when we need you?

“R.I.P.?”  Not Walter Cronkite.  He’s a veritable whirling dervish … spinning in his grave.  Poor dead Walter.

And what got him spinning started with Paddy Chayevsky’s 1976 screen play, “Network,” a prescient dark comedy about American news casting.

If you’ve seen “Network,” you probably recall Peter Finch as trench-coated news anchor,...Read More »


The Brady “Munch”

Okay … so the New England Patriots’ Deflategate-Cheatin’-QB, Tom Brady, may still get to play next year because he’s appealed his four-game suspension.

But, he can never escape “flattened ball jokes,” so his quest for perfection is over.

What’s a poor guy (who’s worth gazillions) to do?

It’s simple.  He develops a...Read More »


Wine Snobs Unite ... Read and Weep

Fast forward … Star Date 24th century … the USS Voyager’s in the Delta Quadrant with Captain Janeway.

Stars glide past Voyager’s windows … In front of the Replicator, Janeway orders a glass of Pinot Noir.  Neelix watches over your shoulder as you go for the Chardonnay.

In seconds Captain Janeway’s...Read More »


Goldfish Sushi

I haven’t gone “crackers” on you.  And no, I’m not eating Goldfish Crackers with … or as my sushi.

But there are honest-to-god-no-fingers-crossed restaurants where goldfish sushi tops the menu as the new, hot, go-to item.

You mean there are coldstone Ginsu knife-flipping-sushi chefs who slip my guppy between rice and...Read More »


Mr. Trump Goes to Washington

This was way “yuuuger” than the second coming … or any coming for that matter.

The “Mr. Trump Goes to Washington” media countdown started two seconds after Speaker Paul Ryan’s public declaration that he was not sure whether he could be The Donald’s BFF now … or ever.

Media pundits jumped...Read More »


Gun Totin’ Toddlers

In 2016, Toddlers shot more Americans than have been shot, bombed, beheaded and/or drowned by Muslim Terrorists, ISIS or Boko Haram.

The score?  Toddlers 23 including 11 fatalities – Terrorists … zero, nada, zilch.

It’s yet to be determined if criminal charges will be filed against Toddlers and whether they would...Read More »


He Said What?

Breaking News … this just in:  “The oxygen’s been sucked out of the room” resulting in “no there there,” and because it was all “too little too late,” it’s time for the “Five Stages of Grief.”

Aaargh!

Attempts by cable media to explain the 2016 GOP primary campaign are so horrific...Read More »


Seriously Absurd!

Houston, we have a problem …

Sorry folks, for those of you who were on the edge of your seats waiting for me to make your Sunday … it was a miraculous week throughout the entire universe and in spite of humanity’s best intentions, not a seriously absurd event took place.

Oops...Read More »


Peeing in North Carolina

“Charlotte, we have a problem” … as does Raleigh, Winston-Salem and all cities in North Carolina with public restrooms … more commonly known as bathrooms.

As of March 23, 2016, the state of North Carolina took a giant leap backward and decided that your at-birth biological gender shall determine, for...Read More »


Dawn of the Nearly Dead – Baseball Style

The 2016 baseball season’s just started and it’s a whole new game at the concession stands.

You don’t have to bring your glove to snatch up a foul ball, but you’d better bring cardiac paddles, a clean credit card and lotsa Wet Wipes.

Stadium food’s moved from recognizable bad-for-you-hotdogs, peanuts and Cracker...Read More »


Trump’s Cabinet ... It’s Really, Really Small

Well … The Donald’s emerged from the antediluvian slime pit that spawned him to make nice with the GOP after pooping on their parade.

It was a fun packed week for “Day-Glo Donald” … Lock up women who have abortions … Get rid of NATO … Let nuclear weapons morph...Read More »


Happy Eostre, Pagan Style

It’s Easter Sunday … the highest of high holy days for Christians.

But hold on a sec.  What about those of us who claim to be devout pagans?

Not the virginal sacrificing, body painting, blood curdling yellers who rush headlong into battle pagans.  Not them.  I’m talking about the fully clothed, rather...Read More »


When is a Foot not a Foot?

Americans love a good fight.  We fight each other and other countries.  We fight at beer parties, Palin family parties and in political parties.  We’ll fight over infinitesimal issues, world-wide issues, or no issues.

The sad “Trumpian” fact is … we love to brawl.

You might think our best fighters are the...Read More »


“Wild Things” Ride Forever

In a nanosecond of self-reflection – rare for me – I ask, “What the bejesus have I learned in my many orbits around this wobbly earth?”

When I blip back to my own version of reality, I wonder if there’s anyone who gives a s**t?” … and if there is, do...Read More »


GOP Faces Dump Trump D-Day Armageddon

NEWSFLASH … The GOP’s rapidly imploding soul is on life support!

Trump “sucks so much oxygen out of the room,” the GOP’s suffering from collective delusions of creating a Trump-Free Zone stretching from all 50 states to American Samoa and the great beyond.

After years of fertilizing the mutant egg that gave birth...Read More »


China’s Outsourcing ... No Bull!

It’s all over.  Done and done.  Finished.

The ultimate outsourcing has begun.  Not here in the US with our dog-eat-dog corporations, but in China!  Yes, China.

The Chinese government’s outsourced the oldest job in the history of the world!

Hold on to your testicles all you young bulls sunning out in the pasture. ...Read More »


Kale-mageddon

After years of thinking that beer and Fritos were the cornerstone of my low salt diet, I’ve seen the light.  No, literally.  I almost met the Grim Reaper up close and personal.

Now, I’ve deep-sixed the beer except for the occasional “Suds-up Attack.”

I eat French fries only in the presence of...Read More »


The “Will you be Mine?” Whine

Aaargh … I just realized it’s February.

I swear every month is infested with a holiday, celebration, “important date,” or at least a trademarked Hallmark Moment.

What’s a guy to do?

This time I’m zeroed in on that half-naked, diapered, winged, flying cherub with his little bow and arrow which, if rumors are...Read More »


Finally ... A Reason to Watch the Stupor Bowl!

It’s Stupor Bowl Sunday and I’m damn stoked.

Twenty weeks of bone crushing, body abusing, concussive collisions brings us to one of the least watched and most partied events of the year.

Woo hoo!

There will be more nachos eaten, beer drunk, liquor consumed, chicken wings dipped and DUI’s issued than on any...Read More »


The “Man-i-fication” of Marco

OMG … It’s “Bootgahzi.”  Marco’s cheesy $139 slick Florshiem ankle boots sparked a media frenzy over this smooth talking sleek walking South Beach presidential candidate.

Party insiders cringed.

It was as if Marco had strolled into his beloved Miami Dolphins’ locker room sporting a furry pink jockstrap and shouted, “Are you ready...Read More »


Trump RBF Walls!

I’ve got it!  I’ve got it!  Can you see my hand raised and waving?

I’ve got the answer …  I know why Trump’s in the GOP primary campaign.

He’s a business man – Real Estate and construction.  He acquires land, negotiates and builds.

The last thing he wants is to get stuck in...Read More »


Obama's Kitchen Aid

If you’re pissed about “Obama Care,” wait until you read this.

Not only is President Obama meddling with our hospitals, doctor’s offices, insurance companies and personal birth control, he’s also cavorting in our kitchens with Betty Crocker and Aunt Jemima.

Now he’s had the audacity to demand that the manufacturers of our...Read More »


My Resolution Free Zone

For years I stood in front of the guillotine of New Year’s Resolutions before I finally learned that the primary purpose of resolutions is to make you feel guiltier than sneak-gulping Krispy Kremes in your closet at midnight.

Show me a resolution and I’ll show you a long-faced person feeling the...Read More »


The Wise Guys and the Baby: A Fractured Xmas Fable

In the beginning, there was imagination.

There were also people.  Though they weren’t college educated or high school graduates, they had an incredible talent for telling stories.

One of their faves was told on long winter nights about a kid born to save all people from starvation, pestilence (There was no CDC...Read More »


'Tis the Season to De-Clutter!

In case you haven’t noticed, we’re smack dab in the middle of a down sizing, de-stuffing, de-cluttering epidemic!

By the time you read this, you’ll probably have less than 11 shopping days until Christmas.  And, if you haven’t completed the art of driving up your credit debt and buying more useless...Read More »


The GOP Primary ... You Are What You Eat

More trouble in the GOP’s “Race-to-the-Bottom” Presidential Primary …

As if sorting through racial slurs, xenophobic rhetoric and opponent bashing weren’t enough, now some Bozos have analyzed the field’s diet and personal health habits.

Talk about confusing the situation … this takes the cake … Arrgh, who said that?

When asked about his...Read More »


War: Cliché and Bumper Sticker Style

Name the war and we’ve had a sound bite to power us into battle.

1776 … “Don’t fire ‘til you see the whites of their eyes.”

1812 … “Don’t give up the ship.”

1864 … “Damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead.”

Sounds like bumper stickers to me, though the first one wasn’t slapped on...Read More »


It’s War

Now you’ve done it Starbucks … You’ve dumped us right back into another effing war.  A war that makes us realize there are only 40 shopping days left before Christmas.

Just what was the covert op pulled off by Starbucks, the instigator of this latest international skirmish?

They had the audacity to...Read More »


Waaa, Waaa, Waaa!

Monkey see … monkey do.

Aping The Donald’s success of leading by whining, the GOP presidential candidates initiated their first ever Whine-In 2015, AKA, The Fantabulous Waaa-Waaa-Waaa!

Instigated by mild mannered Dr. Ben Carson … no not Dr. Ben Casey … all the candidates except Carly Fear-arena were represented in the group’s...Read More »


Bacon Takes One Right in the Chops

“Bacon will kill you,” my friend said.  “No way,” I answered. “Way,” he insisted.

And that’s how I learned that I could be on death’s door because the WHO, who I thought lived in Whoville in Dr. Seuss books, has declared that bacon is a confirmed carcinogen.

This WHO turns out to...Read More »


You Won’t Believe What’s Driving Us Crazy

Road rage may soon exist only in our rear view mirrors … a behavior we had to leave behind not because we’ve become a kinder gentler nation, but because we’ve been kicked out of the driver’s seat.

The future is here and it’s the auto-drive auto … and damned if we...Read More »


Now we have Proof: Washington D.C. is Full of S**t?

Washington D.C.’s full of you-know-what.  I bet you already knew that.

But, do you know what they’re doing with all that s**t?

D.C. now runs a major utility off this s**t, plus provides electricity for over 10,000 homes.  Wow … That’s a lot of s**t!

Here’s an abridged version of the way it...Read More »


Guns Don’t Kill People, Hammers Do

Guns, guns and more guns … If I hear one more piece of insane rhetoric about guns, I think I’ll shoot myself!

My favorite justification for not controlling guns goes something like this, “Hammers kill people. Should we control hammers?”

So help me with this.

We already control cars, seat belts and child...Read More »


Happy Birthday to Me, I Can Sing it for Free

What better word is there in our capitalist system than, “free?”

It’s free.  It won’t cost you a damn dime!  What?  No charge? Nada?

Yep … F-R-E-E.  Free!

But since 1988, capitalists at Warner/Chappell Music held “Happy Birthday” hostage while collecting millions of dollars in royalties.  Their case was based on the seriously...Read More »


What Ever Happened to “Fahrvergnugen?”

Volkswagen has a problem.  Not a “Beetle” sized problem.  More like an entire Germany sized problem.

They’ve been bitch-slapped big-time for cheating on emissions in 11 million diesel model cars.  It’s a slap heard around the world.

VW’s top people admitted the whole plan was … well, planned!  What?  They admitted it? ...Read More »


Pope Rumbles with Congress

NEWS FLASH!  John Boehner to launch Pope Francis’ address to congress next week with a massive bang!

Michael Buffer, World Wrestling Entertainment announcer extraordinaire, will issue the call to order:  “Let’s Get Ready to Rum-m-m-mble!”

The minute the Pope’s visit was announced, GOP salvos were launched, conservative pundits sniped, and Republican presidential...Read More »


The Polit-a-razzi

OMG!  We’re under attack. The Polit-a-razzi are at the gates!!  Reality TV has spawned this near sighted Goliath, filling every TV, tablet, smart phone and ear bud with political slime.  They stalk their preferred prey setting up for the kill with tabloid style “gotcha moments” and campaign wrecking fake exposes.

Think...Read More »


Scandal Hits Muppet Land

Can you believe it?

After 40 long years Kermit and Miss Piggy are no longer an item.

Do I hear someone whispering behind the sty, “You can’t put lipstick on a pig?”  ABC, the new network in Muppet Land, knows this scandal will only get worse.

And if you effing believe that Kermit’s ex-pigfriend...Read More »


The Hurricane is Coming! Err, the Tropical Storm! Err, the Tropical Wave! Err, the Tropical Remnant – Maybe!

God, I love Flori-Duh.  Most of all, I love my favorite time of year – Hurricane Season.

It’s show time for our state’s weather professionals. But folks, please take a step away from your weather maps.

We’ve got Erika, whose status could be anything from a hurricane to a remnant – which...Read More »


Where Lost Fat Goes: A Modern Mystery

Small talk at a cocktail party?  It’s an art form.  After “Hi, how ya doin’?” what do you say?

Forget the senseless banter.

This tidbit guarantees you’ll be a treasured invitee.  You could even be an A-Lister – the person everyone wants at their next bash.

Here’s the secret.  At cocktail parties, everybody...Read More »


Politically Correct This!

Have you ever heard “cris-cross applesauce?”  WTF, you ask?  Cris-cross applesauce!

The PC Police have invaded preschools and determined that sitting “Indian style” is verboten.  To teach the little buggers how to sit cross legged, teachers have been told to use this cutsey little rhyme, “cris-cross applesauce.”

Let’s face it, kids are going...Read More »


Is my RBF Showing?

You might think the big news this week was the GOP debate.  Think again.  The big debate is about RBFs.  What’s an RBF, you say?

For you cave dwellers, RBFs are the hot social networking topic.  An RBF is a woman’s “Resting Bi*ch Face” – her photo posted on social media...Read More »


Trump-Nado

Just like “Sharknado,” Donald Trump rains down on the GOP in a hurricane of destruction and devastation.

“Hello, Grand Ole Party.  I am your worst nightmare,” yells the Donald, sounding like Jack Nicholson in “The Shining” as he brings his reality TV ax to the GOP primaries.

Trump plays the media like...Read More »


The Demon Junk Drawer

Every adult has one.  It’s usually in the kitchen and has a life of its own.  Stuff multiplies in it.  It’s suspected that secret unprotected interspecies sex occurs.

Many of us have a strange habit that’s impossible to curb.  It develops in spite of a simple mantra: “There’s a place for...Read More »


May I be “Frank” with you?

The Pope is coming!  The Pope is coming!  Sound the alarm!

Things will get hot, dare I say hot as Hell, if his visit to South America is any indication.

I like to call him Frank because he is so … “frank.”  He minces no words and has little time for idle chit...Read More »


It Looks like Ireland to Me

I have a dirty little secret.  You’ve got to promise you’ll still act like you know me once I’ve shared it with you.

Every morning I walk on trails where large birds have left deposits that no bank would accept.  They remind me of the internationally acclaimed kid’s book, “Everyone Poops,”...Read More »


Who put the “duh” in Floriduh?

“Man Fatally Stabbed in Feud over Corndog” … “Florida Strip Club Offering Free Flu Shots” … “Thieves Kill Family’s Pet Turkey for Thanksgiving” … “Man Dies Getting Stuck in Girlfriend’s Cat Door.”

Real headlines in real Floriduh.  Reasons for our behavior have been researched, studied, and pondered to no avail when...Read More »


Sharks, My Ass!

DUH ta DUH ta DUH ta DUH … the music thrums, the waves break, the sun’s rays cook bathers who frolic, heedless of the dangers beneath them.

Then someone yells, “Shark!  Shark!  Shark!”  The music crashes and the swimmers panic in a headlong thrash away from the killers out of the...Read More »


GOP De-Bait Format Resolved

Houston, we have a problem … more Republican presidential candidates than can be stacked, squeezed or hung from trapezes on the stage.  We’re talking the great GOP De-Bait crisis.

Fox News wants to limit the De-Bait to a mere 10 contestants, oops I mean candidates on the stage.  But that’s oh...Read More »


Alpha Wolf or Alpha Wuss

Think you want to be an alpha male? You might want to think again – the job description is a little different than you might expect. No strutting around, showing your stuff, bossing people around while others stare in awe admiring your prowess.

It turns out that the alpha wolf can...Read More »


What’s Up with Burritos?

“Put your hands up and step away from the burrito!”

Sex crimes, physical assaults, property damage and life threats have all involved the “deadly burrito.”  They’ve also been used as codpieces – could be messy – and hiding places for drug smuggling.

What’s up with that?  Is it the ingredients, the mystical...Read More »


What I've Almost Learned after 23 Years of Marriage

This past week was our 23rd anniversary.  After all these years I’m happy to report that I’ve learned a few hard earned lessons, though it’s obvious I’m still riding with training wheels.

This is what I’ve learned.

Don’t ever want your spouse to be “just like you.”  What a f**king disaster that...Read More »


Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!

We’re at a crossroads. Our diets and protein sources have been dealt a huge blow right to the schnozz.

Now when you hear, “Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup,” it’s no longer considered a complaint. It’s a delicacy chock full of crunchy protein sans calories. ...Read More »


Barbie and SeaWorld Divorce ... Affair with PETA Suspected

As if SeaWorld didn’t have enough problems to contend with, now they’ve been dropped by Barbie.

Yes, that Barbie. The doll collected and dressed by pre-teen American girls and secretly fondled and undressed by their pre-teen brothers.

SeaWorld has felt the backlash of Killer Whales...Read More »


Man’s Inner A-hole

The other day, my not so pleasant “Inner A-hole” snuck out for a brief public appearance. Made me stop and think: Do all men have an Inner A-hole?

Some days it really doesn’t take much for me to reveal mine.

Just a quick challenge to my own sense...Read More »


It’s Party Time

Any day I can party a bit, celebrate a special occasion, and be happy … well, that’s a good day.

Here’re some “Good Day” contenders for this coming week that may be worthy of raising a glass or two, smiling, and wishing folks a “Happy ____ Day!”

Sunday, April 26th:...Read More »


You have a WHAT in your Yard?

Come on admit it. I’ll bet you have at least one, maybe even more, Florida pink plastic flamingos in your life. Come on … admit it!

If your ego allows it, you’ve got it smack dab in your front yard.

If you’re more timid about “coming out” with your flamingo, it’s probably...Read More »


Toilet Paper Wars

We’re in a war and we’re looking for a few good commandos. Are you ready to “Go Commando?”

In the last two decades we’ve seen our fair share of warfare, but we haven’t experienced anything like the wars currently being waged. This isn’t a napalm, Navy Seals, guerrilla war....Read More »


Confucius Say ...

I can’t sit still long enough to write the novel that allegedly is in each of us. Mine may be in me, but it ain’t gettin’ out.

So what’s a hyper-agitated-can’t-sit-still wannabe author to do?

Narrowly avoiding terminal angst, a lightning bolt of an idea hits me. Why not write...Read More »


The Nothing Room

A man has something a woman doesn’t have. Get your mind out of the gutter. It’s not what you think it is.

A man has a space – a space in his brain that’s completely unoccupied, devoid of any synapses or other links to thought. In this cranial...Read More »


I Yam what I Yam & I Yam Green

In case you weren’t aware of it, this Thursday, March 26th is National Spinach Day, the day reserved for celebrating all forms of spinach.

I love holidays – all holidays. Holidays are days worthy of celebration.

If it weren’t for holidays, I’d have no reason to get out of bed....Read More »


Bumper Sticker Madness

We’re clearly in a time when publicly sharing our personal lives is the norm.

Still I think it’s kind of weird when people I’ve never met reveal their private thoughts, political positions, family deaths and religious beliefs on the back of a car.

But I have to admit I’m hooked.  It’s  always...Read More »


Bucket List or F%&k-It-List?

I don’t get this idea of a Bucket List.  It misses the point of life which is best described as “living.”

I don’t want to spend my limited time in the here-and-now seeking physical thrills or trying to outdo other humans in a never ending quest for the top thrill of...Read More »


Beware the Bombogenisis

When did weather reports become “extreme sports events?”

Weather people no longer simply report the arrival of cold fronts, warm fronts, high pressure systems or low pressure systems.  They no longer point out bands of showers, snow, occasional hail or thunder storms.

Weather reports now rival the multi-media madness of a John...Read More »


BLOG: SERIOUSLY ABSURD

Welcome to my world.  It’s off-kilter and that’s they way I like it. Life is a serious matter and as far as I know, this is it.  So we better damn well enjoy it while we got it.

My approach is to “bend life without breaking it.  When I bend my...Read More »


Twinkies Born Again and Still the Rage

Three hundred and sixty-five days ago*, Twinkies were resurrected from the catacombs of financial bankruptcy and reappeared on retailer’s shelves throughout America.

We were Twinkie-less for eight months while the new owners fired loyal Twinkie bakers, packers, drivers and scads of other support people dedicated to years of uninterrupted Twinkies in...Read More »


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