Seriously Absurd Blog
On a July 4, 2019 stormy muggy evening at an outdoor national picnic staged at the feet of Abe Lincoln … our “current-genital-grabbing-Liar-and-Cheater-in-Chief-No Collusion/No Obstruction-you-can’t-make-this-shit-up-White-House-resident” painted a picture of our heroic armed forces making liberal use of Kellyanne Conway’s “Alternative Facts.”
Facing a fritzed-out teleprompter in mid-speech … forced to rely...Read More »
Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao stunned fellow cabinet members … husband Mitch McConnell … and the President this week.
Preferring to now be addressed as “Madam Chao,” she’s proposed that the US annex the Strait of Hormuz so she...Read More »
I’ve decided that the best source for our political news nowadays is a digital stroll through Dr. Google’s cereal aisle searching … “political humor cereal.”
Most of the political news and problems we face today can be analyzed, understood and quite possibly resolved if we were to carefully study political cereals.
To...Read More »
We all know there’s an Aderall-addicted-tantrum-prone-narcissistic-preschooler currently running the White House … but now we’ve sunk to a new low!
To placate this spooked apparition of a President, our elected officials … and non-news-pundits … have taken to using what they refer to as … the “I-Word!”
Uh-oh … I flashback to...Read More »
He couldn’t have his “toy soldier parade” … so he executed a hostile takeover of our national July 4th celebration … “Welcome to the Trump of July Party!”
You may soon know him as “Generalissimo Donaldo” … the guy who’s taking us below the level of an overripe-near-rotten Banana Republic …...Read More »
I confess … I’m a “Junk Mail Junkie!”
I sort through and actually read what people have been kind enough to send to me.
Reading junk mail’s way more fun than reading online comments by Truck-Stop-Interstate-Traveler-Critics about the quality of American truck stop food … and then responding by touting truck stop...Read More »
April was IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) Awareness Month … say what? I guess the other 11 months no one “gives a s**t!”
I know this because I was watching TV the other night … and I paid particular attention to the commercials. Something very few people and no dogs ever do.
That’s...Read More »
The most prized chicken feet in the world are exported from the USA.
Uncle Sam tips his hat to Frank Perdue … creator of the big-breasted-hormone-stuffed-thunder-thighed chicken.
Our “big feet” make a difference. And the #1 importer of our quadruple E-sized chicken feet is, or rather was … China.
In a wave of...Read More »
The “Evangies” love him.
His base worships him.
His signed Bibles are selling on E-Bay for $500 a pop … that’s sale price not asking price.
The annual Prayer Breakfast attendees hang on his every word … even when he “prayed” for Arnie Schwarzenegger’s ratings to “go down right through the tubes” for...Read More »
It’s anticipated the US will run out of avocados within three weeks from the looming date of the US-Mexico border closing … depriving millions of their beloved guacamole.
If there’s no guacamole, the NFL’s stated … there’s no Super Bowl!
Avocado futures have sky rocketed as have stocks in companies that produce...Read More »
What’s composed of fat, flushed waste … is yuge and biggly, clogs and blocks systems … costs millions of dollars to manage … and it does not temporarily live in the White House?
If you didn’t think I was being truthful and you guessed “You-Know-Who,” then you’d be wrong.
Though they have...Read More »
Dateline 2030 … Moscow … RT and Fox News exclusive … invitations sent worldwide.
Trump Tower Moscow lobby … a Russian flag and MAGA hat draped casket lies “in state” … closed.
Full military dressed dictators and ruling strongmen sit in the front rows … no “s**t hole countries” invited.
The crowd gasps...Read More »
Thanks to the wonder of the Internet, everyone now knows of curious and nefarious links between Florida’s Orchids of Asia Spa … its founder Li “Cindy” Yang … and Palm Beach’s Mar-a-Lago … and its owner President (aargh I hate to say that) Trump.
As a dues paying member of the...Read More »
What’s green, new, backed by the first year democrats, and has the GOP scared outta their geriatric skin-folds?
It’s the Green New Deal (GND) … initiated by AOC and the “Wild Bunch” who’ve hit DC shakin’, rattlin’ and rollin’.
They have ideas … they’re impatient and expressing themselves “out of order” … ...Read More »
There’s a seismic shift in the works at our house.
Doesn’t have anything to do with tweeting … new presidential candidates joining the fray … border walls, barriers, slats or fences … New Green Deals or Green New Deals … Bezos’ genitalia or Robert Kraft’s sexual predicament.
It does have to do...Read More »
1954 … Saturday … I hop my bike and pedal to the theater for the Matinee and a box of Milk Duds.
It’s a western … a Range War … between the ranchers who want wide open grazing lands and the sheep herders … the “nesters” … who want fences to...Read More »
Next Thursday’s Valentine’s Day. Do you want the VDay good news … or the VDay bad news first?
To Hell with it … you get the bad news first.
Necco … makers of Sweetheart candies is gonzo … kaput … bankrupt.
Their small candy hearts … the ones that are so hard they...Read More »
Kale No! … say “Sayanora” to your privileged position as the go-to Super Food. One punch to the gut and you fold like private-store-label cheap-frozen-spinach.
So much for being a “trend setter.” In the history of food ranking, you’re the “Mooch” as the King of Foods!
Hope you like your new space...Read More »
(“President” Trump refuses to address House Speaker Nancy Pelosi using her title. He refers to her as “Nancy,” which is just another indication of his denigration of powerful women … so we should address him as “Donny” … instead of my usual … “s**t-for-brains.”)
Well … it’s settled!
There’ll be no presidential...Read More »
Okay … Okay … I’ve decided to hang ‘em up. Quit. Just let things go their natural way.
Life’s too short to continue this self-perpetuated myth that I could work my way into an Adonis … a Fabio … or even a Francois Henri “Jack” LaLanne … the Guru of American...Read More »
Oops … there aren’t enough bathrooms. And …
They dress differently … act differently.
They’re not “respectful” … especially their language.
They don’t understand their roles … their places … they try to get ahead without serving their time.
They don’t understand … that’s not the way we do it here.
Who are “they?”
They’re the...Read More »
It’s January … post-holiday … and, the first month of the New Year.
After more than a month of celebrating with massive food intake, alcohol consumption, germ-spreading-family-get-togethers, holiday galas … and, yes interminable post college football season bowl game snacks … you’ve made “that decision.”
I don’t care who you are, where...Read More »
Is it just me … or is there a Santa on every corner … in every mall … in every department store stuck in the back corner of the toy department?
Santa’s at December birthday parties … office Xmas parties.
There’s also a worldwide schedule for an event called “Santacon” … from...Read More »
My Mom told me I’m grounded until “Hell freezes over” … just because my dorky little brother ran into her bedroom crying and told her I said … “Santa Claus was dead.”
What a dirty little snitch.
Now I’ve got to come up with a way to convince...Read More »
War’s been declared on Christmas … or as I like to say, Xmas!
Gird-up … this war’s being fought on several fronts and there’s no dearth of weaponry available.
Some folks are flame-throwing Christian soldiers marching off to Starbucks … apparently HQ Central Command for the Xmas Wars!
Others are...Read More »
Thanksgiving’s over … all the turkeys have let out a collective sigh … and put away their “Eat Mor Chickin’” signs!
We can focus now on the Xmas season!
Given the climates … political and real … I’m not sure we’ll hear these old standards this year … “Santa Claus got stuck...Read More »
Southerners have a saying left over from their unfortunate ass-whuppin’ many years ago at the hands of some Northern Invaders … I’m not talkin’ about Canadians … I’m talkin’ about those “Damn Yankees.”
Many still say it proudly … though now mostly under their breaths.
That slogan became the slogan of...Read More »
Here it is a few days after the crazed two year run-up to the 2018 mid-terms … and I have yet to determine whether I won … lost … or am just too exhausted to give a damn.
In spite of the tsunami of media punditry attempting to explain the results...Read More »
Lowes is selling Xmas decorations … Xmas music’s blaring on Sirius Radio … and Hallmark’s started their 2018 Xmas movie series.
The “Holidays” are here … ‘tis the Party Season!
So … it’s time we addressed a critical issue … “double-dipping.”
We’re not talking ice cream cones here … and, who knew double-dipping...Read More »
Poor Trumpers. Apparently they can’t find anyone to go out with and share a shoulder to cry on.
What? You mean to say that you’re not “date bait” once you align yourself with … a vile-red-MAGA-hat-wearing, lying, voter-suppressing, anti-women’s-rights, genital-grabbing, fascist, racist, misogynist, isolationist, family-separating, economy-wrecking, job-stultifying, wage-stagnating, oligarch-backing, international-murder-supporting, campaign-mob-violence-inciting...Read More »
Many of us spent our childhoods watching Disney films thinking that “When we wished upon a star …” good things would happen.
Walt and his minions at Disney sanitized stories … whitewashing the blood, gore and fear from early fairy tales … brainwashing millions who are now confused, old, people …...Read More »
If you think those veggie-loving-deprive-us-of-our-meat-and-chicken-and-fish crazies were intrusive when they pushed, shoved and catapulted kale into our veggie-less lives … then you ain’t seen nuttin.’
Wait ‘til you see what the cauliflower huggers are up to!
Those bumpy white knobby looking monadnocks of the veggie world were what you bought because there...Read More »
Yep … the coastline and estuaries of Maine and Massachusetts are under attack by Canadian savages.
In this case … by an ultra-aggressive crustacean … dubbed the “cockroach of the sea” because “once ya got ‘em ya just can’t get rid of ‘em” … Canadian Green Crabs.
Since these miniature replicas of...Read More »
Life’s falling apart in Maine … the State of hard-rock-logical-thinkers … down to earth farmers … “ya cahn’t get thaih from hearh” direction givers … and of course, Steven King’s throat curdling life threatening horror novels!
“Yeahup” … that Maine.
Home of Maine lob-stah … the lob-stah roll … lob-stah Thermidor, Newburg,...Read More »
“I’ll have a pepperoni pizza … extra cheese … oh, and a new set of ears, please.”
3D printers are here … and they work. Consternation, outrage and “OMG-we’re-going-to-destroy-ourselves” are building.
Maybe right-wing-reactionary-crowds won’t focus so much on wiping Hillary & Helen Keller from Texas history books … or ripping out the...Read More »
In an unanticipated Reality TV coupe de tȃte, diehard Trumpest Geraldo Rivera has volunteered to seek out the alleged documents sealed in David Pecker’s National Enquirer safe.
Leaning on the success he had with the search for Al Capone’s vault … Geraldo’s busy seeking a TV special broadcast contract with anybody...Read More »
Bat Boy … enraged over all the money thrown around salacious Trump affairs … is telling everybody that he’s totally pissed … and he’s contacted Special Counsel Mueller and the SDNY to schedule “tell all” sessions concerning his relationship to President Donald Trump.
Yes … that Bat Boy.
The one who first...Read More »
The truth’s out for the 1001st time … we have a balls-out seriously insane man lurching through the halls of our White House impersonating a US President.
Now he wants to go to alternative universes … as if he wasn’t already in one.
He’s entered the realm of surreal absurdity with a...Read More »
I can hear the Poultry Police now … “Okay Lady, drop the chicken! Put your hands in the air and step away from that chicken!”
Sound crazy? Not so much.
You never know who out there’s a Chicken Hugger … or worse, a Chicken Licker … or Kisser!
The next person you pass...Read More »
Earlier we rallied for the pig farmers and how they’d been screwed by the Trump Tariffs when all they wanted to do was sell their damn pigs … ears and all!
Pig farmers appeared on all the news shows … except FOX … and along with their sows and boars …...Read More »
Hooray for our current White House “Orange-Toddler-in-Residence.”
He’s unleashed yet another sex-politics-guns-threats, and “tricks-for-treats” sex-capade from the political slime swamp he calls his presidency.
Before the FBI’s through with this secret agent sex adventure, ‘45 may wish he had stuck with this not so simple Helsinki riddle …
“How much would, would a...Read More »
We’re at war! And … Uncle Don needs you … yes you … and you … he needs all of us!
Hop on the patriotic band wagon … come to the defense of America’s pig farmers.
Grab your bright red MAGA hat and head to your supermarket … deli … hotdog stand...Read More »
Blame it all on Phineas T. Barnum. He held the first modern beauty pageant in 1854.
Though public outrage forced Barnum’s sideshow pageant to close down, beauty pageants have continued to pop up their vexatious little voyeuristic heads … providing profits for men.
And ample opportunities as outlets for male puerile behavior...Read More »
There are times when I’m really glad I’m a guy … a human guy!
George M. Cohan, told us that “The birds do it … bees do it … even educated fleas do it.”
It’s true … every morning I stroll along the shores and boardwalk of Lake Dora, one of the...Read More »
Summits are in vogue … everybody wants one … even the Devil … in his case, with God.
Location … heaven … God at his desk … bright-red-hot-line phone pulsates … destroys God’s moment of Zen … ringtone’s “There’ll be a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight!”
He presses “Talk” and...Read More »
The Royal Wedding’s come and gone … and the tabloids already have the Princess pregnant!
In spite of America’s blue collar-ness … lift me up by my own bootstraps-ness … work my way to the top-ness … we seem to have a penchant for believing in princess fairy tales.
And the idea...Read More »
The Scene …
Manhattan … 5th Avenue … the watches in Tiffany’s, clocks in Bergdorf’s and Abercrombie all read 11:50 AM … approaching twelve P.M.
The “Ballad of High Noon” blasts over speakers strung along the designated block of 5th Avenue.
“Do not forsake me on my darlin’ ….”
Media vans and emergency vehicles...Read More »
But, never underestimate the power of money and greed filling the troughs of media capitalists. Her critically acclaimed TV series may continue.
ABC got a glimpse of just how marketable Trumpists and Trumpism is in today’s USA … and will not retreat quietly into the Trump Night.
The high octane hate...Read More »
Now that ‘45 has scuttled the North Korea summit, we at Seriously Absurd international headquarters wonder about the following:
Will the Nobel Peace Prize score card remain at … Trump zero, nada, zilch, a big empty bag of windy threats … Obama one?
Word in DC is that Kim canceled the meeting...Read More »
I sure am glad GOP Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan’s slinking off to the hills of Wisconsin at the end of his term. I just wish it were sooner.
In the meantime … here’s a bit of advice, Paul.
As you leave DC before the door hit’s you in the ass...Read More »
Rudy Giuliani’s joined the “Prison-Orange-Is-The-New-Trump-Orange” … so we gotta keep Trump outta jail crack legal team.
As he prepares for a first date with “I-Don’t-Kiss-And-Tell” Bob Mueller … Rudy’s new organization, “InfoLeaks,” replaces WikiLeaks as the primary source to help formulate ‘45’s legal strategy.
True to Rudy’s role as “The Grand Leaker,”...Read More »
I’ve exchanged recent emails with friends … Ha, I have some … about the calamity of our Romaine-E.coli national panic … and the “Fall of the Romaine Empire!”
In those exchanges, it became clear that I’m rather rigid in my expectations of what should be in a salad … some have...Read More »
I’m 10 years old. Mom’s looking down at me saying, “Never … never ever hitchhike, Dickie. There’re bad people out there who will pick you up, torture you, and then kill you.”
From that point … I’ve never stuck my thumb out to bum a ride.
Now my worst fear’s come true.
We...Read More »
It’s a legal thriller John Grisham couldn’t write.
Welcome to Trump World … a dystopian fantasy land for all those living in the crowded nightmare of Trump’s never ending criminal investigations.
How lucky do you think “The Mooch” feels? In-and-out of Trump World so fast he didn’t even get an autographed “You’re...Read More »
The slimiest sleazebag sexual predator riding the streets in a bulletproof limo has announced that April is “National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month.”
It’s almost as if President Dickwad is using himself as the motivator so we can be aware of the magnitude of this problem.
I wonder how the women...Read More »
“Let’s Get Ready to Rumble!”
Forget about “The Thrilla’ in Manila” and “The Rumble in the Jungle.” They were hissy-fits compared to what’s going down.
Two political heavy weights … literally and symbolically … issued the required initial taunts and insults to hold a winner take all “Championship for the Politically Aged.”
Already...Read More »
It’s bad enough that Toys-R-Us has filed for “Liquidation” … probably closing all 754 of its remaining stores. But the worst is yet to come!
The phone at Seriously Absurd hasn’t stop ringing with rumors from the Interstate-Truck-Stop–Hotline … apparently “Sex-Toys-R-Us” is following in the kid focused footsteps of Toys-R-Us.
The battle...Read More »
“Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!”
Prez 45’s created an opportunity for Betsy DeVos to shine … as his own “Special Woman of History” … vying to replace Betsy Ross.
BDV’s been given her own Klieg lighted stage … a national commission charged with making our schools safe.
And, her “Safe School...Read More »
Teddy Roosevelt’s spinning in his grave.
The Vermont Teddy Bear Company’s feeling the pressure.
The world renowned Steiff Company in Germany is in daily meetings … all preparing for the worst. And folks … it’s coming … Bear-mageddon!
There’s a war in the “Bear House” and it’s upsetting the delicate Teddy Bear world...Read More »
If you think I’m talking about hair styles and gel art … think again oh, icicle licking one!
With a gold medal performance by the Americans at the Pyeongchang Winter Olympics, curling has taken over the US of A faster than a Trumpian Tweetfest.
And in our own typical yuuge and biggly...Read More »
The “Non-Thinking-Male-Teen-Near-Human-Species” enters the scene … every cell phone’s locked and loaded … set to take a video later placed on YouTube.
An “I dare you!” is uttered from his subspecies admirers and a “Challenge” is accepted.
It could be …
“The Gallon Challenge” … chugging a gallon of milk, sometimes more …...Read More »
Just in case you’ve been locked in a closet for a decade or so, let me “jet” you to the seriously absurd consequences of a seemingly benign federal law which allows air travelers to be accompanied by their “BFF Emotional Support Animals” … think cuddly puppy or fluffy kitty.
But the...Read More »
A new reality show’s stormin’ through our lives!
Cities across the US are soiling themselves … prostrate at the multi-billion dollar feet of Amazon’s Jeff Bezos … Tech’s answer to “The Greatest Showman.”
He’s turned Amazon’s search for a second headquarters (HQ2) into an Olympics site selection extravaganza.
And the “Grand Prize” is...Read More »
Just a thought, but it seems the folks in Washington “working” at our behest could use sage advice from Joe Jones’ 1960 hit single … “You Talk Too Much.”
“You talk too much …You worry me to death
You talk too much … You even worry my pet
You just tal –...Read More »
Just in on the HHL … HussHotLine.
After his “I-will-meet-anytime-anyplace showdown” with Bob Mueller, “45’s” positions on meeting have been doing 360’s like Linda Blair’s head in “The Exorcist.” Sans projectile vomiting.
Lawyers for “45” are apoplectic.
They’re terrified he’ll impulsively slip out of the White House after scarfing down his two Big...Read More »
Kaboom! Kaboom! … fireworks explode …it’s the end of 2017 and the start of the New Year.
Slam that door on 2017… what a relief … a horrendous year!
Oops … we’re only seven days into 2018 and gobsmacked over the “fireworks” encountered.
Where to start?
For sure The Weather Channel has overtaken the...Read More »
Early evening. Stars pop out in the winter skies over Lebanon, Kansas located in Smith County … years ago determined by someone to be the exact middle of the continental US.
It’s getting closer to Xmas and time is running out for the three men wearing raincoats as they enter Pooche’s,...Read More »
Ivanka Trump started it the other day with her catchphrase that placed Judge Roy Moore in a “special place in Hell.”
There’s a lot of anger in our world today. And thanks to Ivanka, pundits, Op Ed’ers, reporters, political contributors … just about anybody and everybody writing/talking about politics in the...Read More »
Borrowed from the original, “The Christmas Song,’ written in 1945 by Bob Wells and Mel Tormé, it’s more commonly known as “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire.”
Feel free to sing this repeatedly … but be warned, it may become and “ear worm” throughout your Happy Holidays … Oops, I mean...Read More »
Ho, ho, ho … “45’s” declared that the “War on Xmas is over!”
“45” appears in front of the National Christmas Tree wearing a flight jacket donning a military cap … arms raised in front of a banner declaring:
“I’ve Put the Baby Jesus Back in Christmas!”
“He-Who-Temporarily-Resides-in-the-White-House” is flanked by representatives...Read More »
You would think that I’d finally get a handle on celebrating Thanksgiving. Afterall, I’ve eaten turkey at the big table for almost ¾ century.
And another one’s right around the calendarial corner.
Maybe I’m overly cynical … but don’t cast your vote until after you’ve read my Thanksgiving “reality exposé.”
For many folks...Read More »
My attitude about pumpkins is less than positive.
I don’t care how you dress it up a pumpkin is still nothing more than an overgrown squash. And true to the sound of its name … a squash is a squash … and a pumpkin is a squash.
How can you create inviting...Read More »
Don’t know about you, but I thought I’d heard just about everything there was to hear about those wild and crazy Florida transplants living in The Villages, the largest 55+ community in the US.
Now I gotta admit I’m gobsmacked by the latest info leakin’ from this quasi-Disney-esque enchanted world for...Read More »
Bill O’Reilly, Fox Broadcasting’s arbiter of moral values and women’s private parts, has had it with God.
“You know, am I mad at God? Yeah, I’m mad at him,” O’Reilly said in a recent podcast after being outted for his 32 million dollar sexual harassment settlement.
Meanwhile from on high, Heavenly Leakers spread the word … O’Reilly...Read More »
Seems to me that the world’s becoming smarter and smarter … if you’re talking digital, not biological life.
Based on the last few weeks and our politics, however, I’d say the biological side seems to be getting dumber and dumber.
But in our household, we’ve taken steps to combat that slide...Read More »
“You can’t fire me … I quit!”
This dialog, once reserved only for “The Apprentice,” now reverberates throughout the halls of the West Wing.
Who’s next to go? Las Vegas odds makers placed “even money” on …
Rex “I’ll-Never-Admit-I-Called-The-F**king-Moron-A-F**king-Moron” Tillerson
Steven “My-New-Wife’s-Really-Nice-Once-You-Get-To-Know-Her” Mnuchin
Ryan “I’ll-Get-That-Alaska-Senate-Witch-Yet” Zinke
Jeff “I’m-NOT-A-Keebler-Elf” Sessions, and
Scott “Wow-I-Never-Thought-They-Would-Get-Price” Pruitt.
As for other Cabinet...Read More »
Did ya miss me? Huh? Huh?
So I’m trying to catch-up after almost two weeks of being in digital lockdown thanks to Hurricane Irma.
While “speed reading” thru emails and junk mail … BTW, I love my SPAM mail … I catch a headline …”Dead Man Fanny Packs.”
I immediately think … blog...Read More »
When the models strut down this high fashion runway, you’d better duck for cover. They’re all packin’ and you’ll be the last to know … ‘cause you’re watching a “Concealed Carry Fashion Show!”
It’s the hottest fashion show to hit the scene since Victoria’s Secret Angel’s got their wings. No competition...Read More »
From Maine to Iowa, and Wisconsin to California, people are reporting vicious unprovoked attacks. Their attackers lurk in front yards, bushes and trees.
No one’s safe!
After years of exploitation and holiday appearances on gluttonous festive fall tables, it appears that it’s “pay back time” for Americans. Yes … it’s a matter...Read More »
Aargh … we’re in the middle of another Bronze Age. But this one’s different.
It’s all about what we can do with the 1500+ Confederate symbols scattered across the country… of which 750+ are Confederate war statues.
Ideas are pouring into the central office of Seriously Absurd with the “sound and fury”...Read More »
Oh My ... 45’s* still with us! ..................................................................... (*Many now refer to Trump as “45” ... not President.)
I was desperately searching for non-45 related blog ideas trying to break free from the “He-who-shall-not-be-mentioned” malaise fogging my brain, reducing my food cravings, and maximizing my urge for self-destructive behavior.
I found some non-sciencers who think the solar eclipse is the “Devil’s Spawn.” Potential fun there.
The Smurf Village in Juzcar,...Read More »
Uhoh … Google’s done it again. Yes … on the famed Google Campus … that jewel of openness and corporate camaraderie … the place where everyone else would love to be.
Yep, that Google.
The nasty, dirty, warty, abusive underbelly of their ideal workplace environment … and unbelievable cafeteria options … has...Read More »
The other day I was thinking about the “good old days.” You know … the ones before Facebook.
I tried to recall what I did to “make friends.” It seemed to be really easy for me, but I wondered: Maybe I’ve lost that touch since most of my friend-making now involved...Read More »
I dunno about you, but there are few things in my life I’d redo.
That doesn’t mean that I’ve been that good … it just means that my mistakes didn’t occur where there were lawyers or cops around.
But then I read in The Huffington Post that you can “dream your own...Read More »
FLASH … Over 60% of people confess they use their cell phone while they’re on the toilet. The other 40% are probably lying.
Your cell phone’s already more contaminated from bacteria and viruses than...Read More »
Well … we may not be able to get meaningful legislation passed in Congress, but at least we‘ll “look good” in Paul Ryan’s House of Representatives.
“Tall Paul,” who’s beginning to look more and more like that ridiculously un-cuddly Munster son, Eddie Wolfgang Munster, has taken the control of the House...Read More »
Just when I thought the US owned all Fake News, I read … “China floods Eastern markets with plastic rice!”
Wow … glad rice isn’t my go-to-side dish or the base for my entrée.
This is a yuuge and bigly Asian-pseudo-scandal that periodically pops up. And when it does, everyone goes bat...Read More »
Most politicians hunt more than votes to prove they’re manly enough to bring home the bacon needed to fill the pork barrel called Washington.
Witness Teddy “Sure-they-named-a-cuddly-bear-after-me” Roosevelt. He sure made it clear he was a “Big Game Guy” when he cleared the prairies and the African savannahs to establish his...Read More »
Jeff Bezos, Amazon’s CEO and 3rd wealthiest global capitalist openly admitted that playing Trump-attack-dog with his newspaper toy, the Washington Post, has finally lost its allure and now he’s bored out of his gourd.
According to Bezos, Trump’s nothing but dumbed-down, low hanging rotten fruit for low brows.
“I want to play...Read More »
There’s no question that garden-variety-non-one-per-cent Americans feel like they’re royally f**ked.
Here’re a few ideas on how we can move back from the edge of an imminent America-sized sinkhole and the international “game of chicken” we’ve been playing.
Foreign Affairs … Our current approach makes the Huns, Vandals and Visigoths look like...Read More »
Quick … get Carl Hiaasen on the line! Miami’s just uncovered the whackiest of whack jobs … a perfect candidate for his next novel.
No stranger to the medical field, Hiaasen’s dentists, doctors, nurses and quasi-medical quacks have starred in his zany Florida novels.
Many of these characters came straight from that...Read More »
Worry has a way about it. Almost everything I’ve worried about has had little or no impact on my life and in retrospect most of it’s been, “Seriously Absurd.”
Elementary school trying “to please” my parents … running with scissors, dodge ball, cursive, spelling tests … and the school bully.
Junior...Read More »
Date … any day President Trump’s in the White House … therefore, not a weekend or Friday afternoon.
Time … 3 AM.
Scene … Oval Office … Trump’s pacing in front of the Presidential Portrait of “Ole#7,” Andrew Jackson … Trump’s clutching his Presidential Blackberry …Jackson’s portraited eyes follow Trump.
PrezT: I dunno,...Read More »
In my attempt to be totally informed and up to date, I check rogue Twitter accounts, obscure Lithuanian blogs, the “Dark Web,” and cave writings looking for information below the public’s radar.
Some of you may doubt the veracity of the following alt-alt-facts.
President Barack completes application for membership at Mar-a-Lago.
His “Family...Read More »
Bring back the Mastodons … manly-kind is in crisis!
When the Mastodons dominated North America … also known as the “all-things-manly-days” … men led pheromone laced lives.
They gathered in smelly gangs of “Bros” and ran through the wild lands yelling, screaming and shaking their spears as they hunted the Megafauna to...Read More »
21st Century Fox pronounced again … “We will no longer tolerate sexual harassment in our workplace!
No trouser dropping, genital grabbing, sex laced innuendo spouting old men allowed in our studios.”
At least not this one particular guy.
On the same day he shook hands with Pope “Frank-the-Wonder” Francis, Bill “Leer-Grunt-and-Masturbate” O’Reilly was...Read More »
Ladies and Gentlemen … start your choppers!
Open … stuff … chomp … glug!
You’ve now entered the arena of “speed eating sports” where there’s no time for chewing or savoring.
Though it may not take the highly honed hand-eye coordination of other sports … food eating contests have captured the imagination of...Read More »
Easter’s right around the corner. Oh boy! Bring on the bunnies!
Bunnies are so-o-o cute and cuddly. Bunnies are soft and allegedly gentle. But … bunnies become rabbits and that’s the problem.
Not the problem visited upon the hapless folks in a small Arizona town invaded by 1,000s of mutant, carnivorous killer...Read More »
Fear not … those of you concerned about education and specifically pre-school learning.
Donny, Mitch and Paulie, the Three Stooges of DC, have teamed up with their new BFF, Betsy “I-Know-My-ABC’s-And-Am-A-Nice-Person” DeVoss, and are coming to our rescue.
It’s a FOX/Trump re-make of that outdated TV preschool neighborhood … aptly named …...Read More »
An unclaimed sliver of land is about to become the media center of world obsession.
If you ask Junior & Eric Trump … “Trump Tundra Ice-Golf & Spa … always on the move!” is perfect for a new Trump International investment. They have yet to grasp that ice melts in water. ...Read More »
Break out the tinfoil hats. The best is yet to come.
The “Trump Fake Newsies” just keep on coming. I can’t make this s**t up fast enough to keep up with the real fake news that the news fakers try to fake us out with daily.
Trumplethinskin staffers may as well sing...Read More »
Communicating with each other’s here to stay. It’s not a fad.
It all started with grunts and hand motions. And it worked for early grunters.
Raise your grunt volume for emphasis, or use endearing little grunts in the private dark recesses of the cave.
No food in the larder? She grunts, points at...Read More »
First we had The Women’s March … aka The Nasty Woman and Pink Pussy Hat Day.
Not to be out done by this massive vulvaic-female demonstration … on February 16th, we had our first “A Day without Immigrants” … which according to reports unfortunately cost lots of hard working immigrants their...Read More »
Several “for profit” universities in Flori-duh, a state that generally abhors education, jumped at the opportunity to offer the nation’s first certification degree in “Protest Science.”
Spurred on by the alt-fact observations of the current administration that “all the protests against their agenda are obviously the work of paid professionals,” these...Read More »
President Thinskin, AKA “L’homme d’orange,” has oozed into almost all of our waking hours … our thoughts … our discussions … and quite possibly that safe place we once held as carefree kids.
Our Mother Goose Land of Make Believe.
The soon to be released “Trumpie Goose Rhymes,” the must have nightie-night...Read More »
Sound the claxons! Man the battle stations! Inflate the gates!
A thief moves among the New England Patriots.
In a brazen act, under the cloak of jubilant celebratory chaos, Tom Brady’s #12 Super Bowl game jersey was stolen from the dirty uniform paraphernalia Mr. Terrific stuffed into his “game bag” inside his...Read More »
“To market, to market, to buy a fat pig;
Home again, home again, dancing a jig….”
Thank you, Mother Goose.
Wake up America and smell the bacon! Wait a minute … hold those hogs!
For two days America was on the brink of a crisis of true Trumpian proportions … not an alt-fact-Reality-TV-cooked-up-crisis!
Angst...Read More »
We’ve seen, read or heard some version of all of these: “The sky is falling … the sky is falling” … “The end is near” … “The world will end some time tomorrow.”
But shock and awe … I just learned we actually maintain a “Doomsday Clock.” And, we’re very serious...Read More »
‘Tis the season. Yep … just like clockwork.
It’s that time when you hear the doorbell … and it’s not Amazon.com dropping off the package you ordered a few hours ago. Prime pays, Baby!
You race to the door, fling it open and you’re greeted by the cherubic smile from the girl-in-green...Read More »
Demonstrating that he’s capable of fighting wars on multiple fronts … think Streep Tweet War, Putin Hack War, Cabinet Confirmation War, Personal Lawsuit Wars, No DC Gown Wars … President-elect Trump now has C-Span (Congressional TV) in his sights.
He’s pissed about C-Span’s nonexistent TV ratings and is determined to “Make...Read More »
No wonder Millennials can’t cook. They’re cashing in on incredible free eats where they work. And from what I’ve read, there’s no way in hell they’re cooking in their own little Silicon Valley kitchenette hovels … where all their money goes for rent.
Recently I caught a lead-in phrase which started...Read More »
I’m in line at the Post Office … brain and eyes wandering. They strobe across a photo posted on the wall.
I move closer to take a look.
The Feds are after some guy for burglary … trespassing … flying w/o a license … entering restricted no-fly zones … violations of child...Read More »
Tis the season to be fatter .. Fa la la la la,la la la la.
My stomach grows it doesn’t matter … Fa la la la la la, la la la la.
Wait a minute. Don’t worry! I’ve got the secret! I have found The Way … The Cure! I denounce the “fatitude”...Read More »
As I write this, there are 24 days, 13 hours, 12 minutes and 50 seconds left until Xmas.
Remember when we used to only track the “shopping days ‘til Xmas?”
No more. Thanks to “Cyber Shopping,” now we count days, hours, minutes and seconds as we shop for Xmas 24-7.
C’mon Man …...Read More »
I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted from the Trump this, that and everything. If there is a Media Hog God in this world, please let her rise up, hit the delete key and get rid of the monster that’s been created.
Don “The Con” hasn’t even been sworn in...Read More »
The wild and wooly 2016 presidential election’s over. The peaceful, but awkward transition of power’s begun.
Democratic Party autopsies, euphemisms for “I told you so,” are rolling out.
But the real fun of a spent election is the review of ballot issues that don’t get the nation’s attention … the state and...Read More »
When you make a deposit at the bank, you’re expected to keep your genitals in your pants … most of the time.
But, that’s not required at a new bank in the area.
I’m not messing with you! You won’t be arrested. You‘re not gonna be the new poster boy replacing Weiner’s...Read More »
So what’s the deal with all these non-Flori-duh states flooding my pristine (just kidding) airwaves extolling their virtues?
My screen’s filled with crap about why I need to haul my butt to … Michigan, or New York, or Pennsylvania. Comeon, man!
Do you really expect me to buy into the fly fishing...Read More »
Debates number one and two were packed with lots of good s**t … especially if you’re a poke-fun-at-anything-that-moves Blogger.
But that third one … what a gold mine. A real monster lode.
And it was wrapped-up in bright orange flesh, skanky orange hair, and unbelievably bushy orange eyebrows. The vein just kept...Read More »
It’s October … time for pumpkin spice in everything we cook, smell, drink, slather and otherwise ingest into our bodies. Yummy!
Time for adult Halloween costume parties. Yippee!
Time to send in the clowns. Uh oh!
What’s up? Bozo, Ronald McDonald and Clarabell … have you gone over to the dark side?
Is there...Read More »
And Don the Con emerged from the Penthouse in the Sky.
Descending on his gilded escalator, his bitty hands cradle a gold-plated Power Point … displayed for all to see.
His baseball hatted worshipers peer at him in glassy eyed adulation as He bellows, “This Power Point was given directly to me...Read More »
I don’t know about you, but I’m sick and tired of feeling like an “Ugly American” … an unclean citizen of the world.
Some of us feel so ugly that when we travel, we say … “We’re Canadian.”
Canadians? What’s up with that?
You know the Canadians. They’re the ones who live just...Read More »
Just got back from Publix … with my stash for my Super Debate #1 Bash!
Been mentally prepping for weeks. Lots of suspense … who’s gonna grab the Super Debate #1 ring?
On the kitchen counter I sort my stash into my basic food groups: Alcohol … beer, wine (for my wife)...Read More »
Lowe’s hasn’t put out Xmas decorations yet, but I can already hear the “Devil’s Décor” rattling around in boxes trying to get to the shelves and ruin my Xmas.
This year I’m beating Lowe’s to the punch and starting my Xmas spirit early.
There’s a chill in the air, a spring in...Read More »
You know what takes real balls? Making a tangible campaign promise. One that can be easily measured by voters.
Herbert Hoover did that in 1928 when he not only promised “a chicken in every pot,” but went on to promise “a car in every garage.”
But … just to prove that the...Read More »
That may be the question, but suddenly millions of us are chomping on our dental plates to know, “what’s the effing answer?”
After years of dire warnings, what do you mean there’s no evidence that daily flossing is beneficial?
I’ve wrestled with that crippling guilt of being an Intermittent Flosser, or “IFer,”...Read More »
Kurt Vonnegut ... “I tell you, we’re here on earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.”
Aaah, Sweet Baby, Geezus. I was thinking about the reality of living with someone in shared space colliding with our fantasies of relationships.
You’re probably already sayin’, “Whoa back, Richard … there’s still time. Get your meds … or some Vodka.
“You still share space with a really wonderful person. Don’t blow...Read More »
Donald Trump’s burn down the stage, the country and all other flammable objects on the planet has folks looking to space travel to escape his one man conflagration.
I, on the other hand, am not joining them. Having read all Sherlock Holmes’ novels, I have honed my considerable skills to detect...Read More »
I’m assembling a star studded collection for my new unvarnished-forever-to-live-in-history, GOP Un-Truth-Truth Hall of Shame.
Immortalized by bronze busts and abutting their “Blue Ribbon” bronzed word salads, these GOP’ers represent the best-of-the-best.
Tickets for the Hall may be purchased at any WalMart. Fat old white men receive a 50% discount – no...Read More »
Warning … warning! This blog may have laxative effects.
Sometimes an idea, or ideas, for a blog rumble around my cranial nether regions … or maybe the phrase should be “cranium and nether regions” … and then, before I know it, a blog explodes.
Lucky you … read on if you...Read More »
The GOP Convention’s over. I’ve learned that we’re on the verge of a total apocalyptical collapse and only Don the Con can save us.
Thank the gods we have The Con. I sure hope he can solve another major problem facing millions of us.
In one smooth innovative patent swoop, Sealed...Read More »
It’s time for the “Carrot Face Big Top Convention” … The GOP’s Circus Maximus is the “Yuugest Show on Earth!”
Picture all three rings filled with enraged blood thirsty pachyderms, twirling in tutus. Astride two are the presidential hopeful and his Veep pick.
All are followed closely by the “GOP Losers”...Read More »
I was thirteen … the age when boys usually became “sexually aware” of their bodies. Yep, “dat tang” suddenly was available for something other than peeing.
I dutifully read it, but what...Read More »
Under no circumstances should you try to Wikipedia, Google or SNOPES my ideas, or in any way assign a degree of truth to what I say about “Brexit” … the British exit from the European Union.
That’s not to say, I’m a hoax. Just consider yourself duly warned...Read More »
I got invited to dinner the other night and couldn’t make up my mind about what not to wear.
Okay … so I made that up … but only the...Read More »
And what got him spinning started with Paddy Chayevsky’s 1976 screen play, “Network,” a prescient dark comedy about American news casting.
If you’ve seen “Network,” you probably recall Peter Finch as trench-coated news anchor,...Read More »
Okay … so the New England Patriots’ Deflategate-Cheatin’-QB, Tom Brady, may still get to play next year because he’s appealed his four-game suspension.
What’s a poor guy (who’s worth gazillions) to do?
It’s simple. He develops a...Read More »
Stars glide past Voyager’s windows … In front of the Replicator, Janeway orders a glass of Pinot Noir. Neelix watches over your shoulder as you go for the Chardonnay.
In seconds Captain Janeway’s...Read More »
But there are honest-to-god-no-fingers-crossed restaurants where goldfish sushi tops the menu as the new, hot, go-to item.
You mean there are coldstone Ginsu knife-flipping-sushi chefs who slip my guppy between rice and...Read More »
The “Mr. Trump Goes to Washington” media countdown started two seconds after Speaker Paul Ryan’s public declaration that he was not sure whether he could be The Donald’s BFF now … or ever.
Media pundits jumped...Read More »
The score? Toddlers 23 including 11 fatalities – Terrorists … zero, nada, zilch.
It’s yet to be determined if criminal charges will be filed against Toddlers and whether they would...Read More »
Attempts by cable media to explain the 2016 GOP primary campaign are so horrific...Read More »
Houston, we have a problem …
Sorry folks, for those of you who were on the edge of your seats waiting for me to make your Sunday … it was a miraculous week throughout the entire universe and in spite of humanity’s best intentions, not a seriously absurd event took place.
Oops...Read More »
As of March 23, 2016, the state of North Carolina took a giant leap backward and decided that your at-birth biological gender shall determine, for...Read More »
The 2016 baseball season’s just started and it’s a whole new game at the concession stands.
You don’t have to bring your glove to snatch up a foul ball, but you’d better bring cardiac paddles, a clean credit card and lotsa Wet Wipes.
Stadium food’s moved from recognizable bad-for-you-hotdogs, peanuts and Cracker...Read More »
It was a fun packed week for “Day-Glo Donald” … Lock up women who have abortions … Get rid of NATO … Let nuclear weapons morph...Read More »
It’s Easter Sunday … the highest of high holy days for Christians.
But hold on a sec. What about those of us who claim to be devout pagans?
Not the virginal sacrificing, body painting, blood curdling yellers who rush headlong into battle pagans. Not them. I’m talking about the fully clothed, rather...Read More »
Americans love a good fight. We fight each other and other countries. We fight at beer parties, Palin family parties and in political parties. We’ll fight over infinitesimal issues, world-wide issues, or no issues.
The sad “Trumpian” fact is … we love to brawl.
You might think our best fighters are the...Read More »
In a nanosecond of self-reflection – rare for me – I ask, “What the bejesus have I learned in my many orbits around this wobbly earth?”
When I blip back to my own version of reality, I wonder if there’s anyone who gives a s**t?” … and if there is, do...Read More »
NEWSFLASH … The GOP’s rapidly imploding soul is on life support!
Trump “sucks so much oxygen out of the room,” the GOP’s suffering from collective delusions of creating a Trump-Free Zone stretching from all 50 states to American Samoa and the great beyond.
After years of fertilizing the mutant egg that gave birth...Read More »
It’s all over. Done and done. Finished.
The ultimate outsourcing has begun. Not here in the US with our dog-eat-dog corporations, but in China! Yes, China.
The Chinese government’s outsourced the oldest job in the history of the world!
Hold on to your testicles all you young bulls sunning out in the pasture. ...Read More »
After years of thinking that beer and Fritos were the cornerstone of my low salt diet, I’ve seen the light. No, literally. I almost met the Grim Reaper up close and personal.
Now, I’ve deep-sixed the beer except for the occasional “Suds-up Attack.”
I eat French fries only in the presence of...Read More »
Aaargh … I just realized it’s February.
I swear every month is infested with a holiday, celebration, “important date,” or at least a trademarked Hallmark Moment.
What’s a guy to do?
This time I’m zeroed in on that half-naked, diapered, winged, flying cherub with his little bow and arrow which, if rumors are...Read More »
It’s Stupor Bowl Sunday and I’m damn stoked.
Twenty weeks of bone crushing, body abusing, concussive collisions brings us to one of the least watched and most partied events of the year.
There will be more nachos eaten, beer drunk, liquor consumed, chicken wings dipped and DUI’s issued than on any...Read More »
OMG … It’s “Bootgahzi.” Marco’s cheesy $139 slick Florshiem ankle boots sparked a media frenzy over this smooth talking sleek walking South Beach presidential candidate.
Party insiders cringed.
It was as if Marco had strolled into his beloved Miami Dolphins’ locker room sporting a furry pink jockstrap and shouted, “Are you ready...Read More »
I’ve got it! I’ve got it! Can you see my hand raised and waving?
I’ve got the answer … I know why Trump’s in the GOP primary campaign.
He’s a business man – Real Estate and construction. He acquires land, negotiates and builds.
The last thing he wants is to get stuck in...Read More »
If you’re pissed about “Obama Care,” wait until you read this.
Not only is President Obama meddling with our hospitals, doctor’s offices, insurance companies and personal birth control, he’s also cavorting in our kitchens with Betty Crocker and Aunt Jemima.
Now he’s had the audacity to demand that the manufacturers of our...Read More »
For years I stood in front of the guillotine of New Year’s Resolutions before I finally learned that the primary purpose of resolutions is to make you feel guiltier than sneak-gulping Krispy Kremes in your closet at midnight.
Show me a resolution and I’ll show you a long-faced person feeling the...Read More »
In the beginning, there was imagination.
There were also people. Though they weren’t college educated or high school graduates, they had an incredible talent for telling stories.
One of their faves was told on long winter nights about a kid born to save all people from starvation, pestilence (There was no CDC...Read More »
In case you haven’t noticed, we’re smack dab in the middle of a down sizing, de-stuffing, de-cluttering epidemic!
By the time you read this, you’ll probably have less than 11 shopping days until Christmas. And, if you haven’t completed the art of driving up your credit debt and buying more useless...Read More »
More trouble in the GOP’s “Race-to-the-Bottom” Presidential Primary …
As if sorting through racial slurs, xenophobic rhetoric and opponent bashing weren’t enough, now some Bozos have analyzed the field’s diet and personal health habits.
Talk about confusing the situation … this takes the cake … Arrgh, who said that?
When asked about his...Read More »
Name the war and we’ve had a sound bite to power us into battle.
1776 … “Don’t fire ‘til you see the whites of their eyes.”
1812 … “Don’t give up the ship.”
1864 … “Damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead.”
Sounds like bumper stickers to me, though the first one wasn’t slapped on...Read More »
Now you’ve done it Starbucks … You’ve dumped us right back into another effing war. A war that makes us realize there are only 40 shopping days left before Christmas.
Just what was the covert op pulled off by Starbucks, the instigator of this latest international skirmish?
They had the audacity to...Read More »
Monkey see … monkey do.
Aping The Donald’s success of leading by whining, the GOP presidential candidates initiated their first ever Whine-In 2015, AKA, The Fantabulous Waaa-Waaa-Waaa!
Instigated by mild mannered Dr. Ben Carson … no not Dr. Ben Casey … all the candidates except Carly Fear-arena were represented in the group’s...Read More »
“Bacon will kill you,” my friend said. “No way,” I answered. “Way,” he insisted.
And that’s how I learned that I could be on death’s door because the WHO, who I thought lived in Whoville in Dr. Seuss books, has declared that bacon is a confirmed carcinogen.
This WHO turns out to...Read More »
Road rage may soon exist only in our rear view mirrors … a behavior we had to leave behind not because we’ve become a kinder gentler nation, but because we’ve been kicked out of the driver’s seat.
The future is here and it’s the auto-drive auto … and damned if we...Read More »
Washington D.C.’s full of you-know-what. I bet you already knew that.
But, do you know what they’re doing with all that s**t?
D.C. now runs a major utility off this s**t, plus provides electricity for over 10,000 homes. Wow … That’s a lot of s**t!
Here’s an abridged version of the way it...Read More »
Guns, guns and more guns … If I hear one more piece of insane rhetoric about guns, I think I’ll shoot myself!
My favorite justification for not controlling guns goes something like this, “Hammers kill people. Should we control hammers?”
So help me with this.
We already control cars, seat belts and child...Read More »
What better word is there in our capitalist system than, “free?”
It’s free. It won’t cost you a damn dime! What? No charge? Nada?
Yep … F-R-E-E. Free!
But since 1988, capitalists at Warner/Chappell Music held “Happy Birthday” hostage while collecting millions of dollars in royalties. Their case was based on the seriously...Read More »
Volkswagen has a problem. Not a “Beetle” sized problem. More like an entire Germany sized problem.
They’ve been bitch-slapped big-time for cheating on emissions in 11 million diesel model cars. It’s a slap heard around the world.
VW’s top people admitted the whole plan was … well, planned! What? They admitted it? ...Read More »
NEWS FLASH! John Boehner to launch Pope Francis’ address to congress next week with a massive bang!
Michael Buffer, World Wrestling Entertainment announcer extraordinaire, will issue the call to order: “Let’s Get Ready to Rum-m-m-mble!”
The minute the Pope’s visit was announced, GOP salvos were launched, conservative pundits sniped, and Republican presidential...Read More »
OMG! We’re under attack. The Polit-a-razzi are at the gates!! Reality TV has spawned this near sighted Goliath, filling every TV, tablet, smart phone and ear bud with political slime. They stalk their preferred prey setting up for the kill with tabloid style “gotcha moments” and campaign wrecking fake exposes.
Think...Read More »
Can you believe it?
After 40 long years Kermit and Miss Piggy are no longer an item.
Do I hear someone whispering behind the sty, “You can’t put lipstick on a pig?” ABC, the new network in Muppet Land, knows this scandal will only get worse.
And if you effing believe that Kermit’s ex-pigfriend...Read More »
The Hurricane is Coming! Err, the Tropical Storm! Err, the Tropical Wave! Err, the Tropical Remnant – Maybe!
God, I love Flori-Duh. Most of all, I love my favorite time of year – Hurricane Season.
It’s show time for our state’s weather professionals. But folks, please take a step away from your weather maps.
We’ve got Erika, whose status could be anything from a hurricane to a remnant – which...Read More »
Small talk at a cocktail party? It’s an art form. After “Hi, how ya doin’?” what do you say?
Forget the senseless banter.
This tidbit guarantees you’ll be a treasured invitee. You could even be an A-Lister – the person everyone wants at their next bash.
Here’s the secret. At cocktail parties, everybody...Read More »
Have you ever heard “cris-cross applesauce?” WTF, you ask? Cris-cross applesauce!
The PC Police have invaded preschools and determined that sitting “Indian style” is verboten. To teach the little buggers how to sit cross legged, teachers have been told to use this cutsey little rhyme, “cris-cross applesauce.”
Let’s face it, kids are going...Read More »
You might think the big news this week was the GOP debate. Think again. The big debate is about RBFs. What’s an RBF, you say?
For you cave dwellers, RBFs are the hot social networking topic. An RBF is a woman’s “Resting Bi*ch Face” – her photo posted on social media...Read More »
Just like “Sharknado,” Donald Trump rains down on the GOP in a hurricane of destruction and devastation.
“Hello, Grand Ole Party. I am your worst nightmare,” yells the Donald, sounding like Jack Nicholson in “The Shining” as he brings his reality TV ax to the GOP primaries.
Trump plays the media like...Read More »
Every adult has one. It’s usually in the kitchen and has a life of its own. Stuff multiplies in it. It’s suspected that secret unprotected interspecies sex occurs.
Many of us have a strange habit that’s impossible to curb. It develops in spite of a simple mantra: “There’s a place for...Read More »
The Pope is coming! The Pope is coming! Sound the alarm!
Things will get hot, dare I say hot as Hell, if his visit to South America is any indication.
I like to call him Frank because he is so … “frank.” He minces no words and has little time for idle chit...Read More »
I have a dirty little secret. You’ve got to promise you’ll still act like you know me once I’ve shared it with you.
Every morning I walk on trails where large birds have left deposits that no bank would accept. They remind me of the internationally acclaimed kid’s book, “Everyone Poops,”...Read More »
“Man Fatally Stabbed in Feud over Corndog” … “Florida Strip Club Offering Free Flu Shots” … “Thieves Kill Family’s Pet Turkey for Thanksgiving” … “Man Dies Getting Stuck in Girlfriend’s Cat Door.”
Real headlines in real Floriduh. Reasons for our behavior have been researched, studied, and pondered to no avail when...Read More »
DUH ta DUH ta DUH ta DUH … the music thrums, the waves break, the sun’s rays cook bathers who frolic, heedless of the dangers beneath them.
Then someone yells, “Shark! Shark! Shark!” The music crashes and the swimmers panic in a headlong thrash away from the killers out of the...Read More »
Houston, we have a problem … more Republican presidential candidates than can be stacked, squeezed or hung from trapezes on the stage. We’re talking the great GOP De-Bait crisis.
Fox News wants to limit the De-Bait to a mere 10 contestants, oops I mean candidates on the stage. But that’s oh...Read More »
Think you want to be an alpha male? You might want to think again – the job description is a little different than you might expect. No strutting around, showing your stuff, bossing people around while others stare in awe admiring your prowess.
It turns out that the alpha wolf can...Read More »
“Put your hands up and step away from the burrito!”
Sex crimes, physical assaults, property damage and life threats have all involved the “deadly burrito.” They’ve also been used as codpieces – could be messy – and hiding places for drug smuggling.
What’s up with that? Is it the ingredients, the mystical...Read More »
This past week was our 23rd anniversary. After all these years I’m happy to report that I’ve learned a few hard earned lessons, though it’s obvious I’m still riding with training wheels.
This is what I’ve learned.
Don’t ever want your spouse to be “just like you.” What a f**king disaster that...Read More »
We’re at a crossroads. Our diets and protein sources have been dealt a huge blow right to the schnozz.
Now when you hear, “Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup,” it’s no longer considered a complaint. It’s a delicacy chock full of crunchy protein sans calories. ...Read More »
As if SeaWorld didn’t have enough problems to contend with, now they’ve been dropped by Barbie.
Yes, that Barbie. The doll collected and dressed by pre-teen American girls and secretly fondled and undressed by their pre-teen brothers.
SeaWorld has felt the backlash of Killer Whales...Read More »
The other day, my not so pleasant “Inner A-hole” snuck out for a brief public appearance. Made me stop and think: Do all men have an Inner A-hole?
Some days it really doesn’t take much for me to reveal mine.
Just a quick challenge to my own sense...Read More »
Any day I can party a bit, celebrate a special occasion, and be happy … well, that’s a good day.
Here’re some “Good Day” contenders for this coming week that may be worthy of raising a glass or two, smiling, and wishing folks a “Happy ____ Day!”
Sunday, April 26th:...Read More »
Come on admit it. I’ll bet you have at least one, maybe even more, Florida pink plastic flamingos in your life. Come on … admit it!
If your ego allows it, you’ve got it smack dab in your front yard.
If you’re more timid about “coming out” with your flamingo, it’s probably...Read More »
We’re in a war and we’re looking for a few good commandos. Are you ready to “Go Commando?”
In the last two decades we’ve seen our fair share of warfare, but we haven’t experienced anything like the wars currently being waged. This isn’t a napalm, Navy Seals, guerrilla war....Read More »
I can’t sit still long enough to write the novel that allegedly is in each of us. Mine may be in me, but it ain’t gettin’ out.
So what’s a hyper-agitated-can’t-sit-still wannabe author to do?
Narrowly avoiding terminal angst, a lightning bolt of an idea hits me. Why not write...Read More »
A man has something a woman doesn’t have. Get your mind out of the gutter. It’s not what you think it is.
A man has a space – a space in his brain that’s completely unoccupied, devoid of any synapses or other links to thought. In this cranial...Read More »
In case you weren’t aware of it, this Thursday, March 26th is National Spinach Day, the day reserved for celebrating all forms of spinach.
I love holidays – all holidays. Holidays are days worthy of celebration.
If it weren’t for holidays, I’d have no reason to get out of bed....Read More »
We’re clearly in a time when publicly sharing our personal lives is the norm.
Still I think it’s kind of weird when people I’ve never met reveal their private thoughts, political positions, family deaths and religious beliefs on the back of a car.
But I have to admit I’m hooked. It’s always...Read More »
I don’t get this idea of a Bucket List. It misses the point of life which is best described as “living.”
I don’t want to spend my limited time in the here-and-now seeking physical thrills or trying to outdo other humans in a never ending quest for the top thrill of...Read More »
When did weather reports become “extreme sports events?”
Weather people no longer simply report the arrival of cold fronts, warm fronts, high pressure systems or low pressure systems. They no longer point out bands of showers, snow, occasional hail or thunder storms.
Weather reports now rival the multi-media madness of a John...Read More »
Welcome to my world. It’s off-kilter and that’s they way I like it. Life is a serious matter and as far as I know, this is it. So we better damn well enjoy it while we got it.
My approach is to “bend life without breaking it.” When I bend my...Read More »
Three hundred and sixty-five days ago*, Twinkies were resurrected from the catacombs of financial bankruptcy and reappeared on retailer’s shelves throughout America.
We were Twinkie-less for eight months while the new owners fired loyal Twinkie bakers, packers, drivers and scads of other support people dedicated to years of uninterrupted Twinkies in...Read More »