Toilet Paper Wars

We’re in a war and we’re looking for a few good commandos. Are you ready to “Go Commando?”

In the last two decades we’ve seen our fair share of warfare, but we haven’t experienced anything like the wars currently being waged. This isn’t a napalm, Navy Seals, guerrilla war. But it has a very good shot at getting messy.

I’m talking toilet paper … tissues … TP … flushables … Mr. Whipple … the whole nine yards of the least talked about aspect of our lives. Now Cottonelle, an also run brand that’s trying to up its market share in the race for better wiping, is asking if you’re ready to, “Go Commando.”

No S**t … they’re talking about going without underpants!

If he weren’t still alive, Mr. Whipple would be rolling over in his grave.

The skirmishes fighting for your TP dollars, extolling TP’s value added features in your life, how TP improves your hygiene and makes your lifestyle more wholesome, are costing corporations millions of dollars.

The frontlines incorporate the full use of social media – YouTube, TV, Face Book, Twitter.

The current campaign features the Cottonelle spokeswoman, a librarian-sexy blonde with an “oh so proper” British accent, who approaches real people and asks them directly about their “wiping experience.”

It’s a frontal assault on our backsides!

My fave is the golfing guy who somewhat shyly tries the TP then reenters the scene with quite a grin on his face as he attempts to explain why the ripples in Cottonelle make such a marked difference in his experience. There’s no real science or technology behind his explanation (not sure there should be or ever was in the development of the rippled tissue) but he does convince me that his experience is “better.” He feels “cleaner” and is “more confident.”

S**t, if that was all it took for me to feel more confident, I would’ve rippled my butt years ago!

The sexy coy librarianesque woman then asks him if he’s ready to “Go Commando” what with his new found confidence. Back into his changing tent he dives and out he comes ostensibly with his unclean previously worn underwear in a nifty little Cottonelle bag.

Golf Guy then reveals just enough of his less than muscular and unspectacular upper leg to prove that his undies are “in the bag” and he’s now “A Cottonelle Commando.”

Mr. Whipple, who first retired in 1985 as the spokesman for Charmin, is probably rolling his eyes, hoping for a comeback and another shot at the big bucks being spent on this campaign. I think Kimberly-Clark needs to snake him from the opposition and convince George Whipple to “come out of the tent and Go Commando.”

Surely this war to win our butts has moved TP from soft, softer and softest to a new level of sexiness. Yes, we’re actually talking about how good it feels and how confident we are after having a “successful experience with a rippled device.”

Sure sounds like sex to me. Just sayin.’

See the commercial:

14 thoughts on “Toilet Paper Wars

  1. Unlike the Million Mom site, I thought it was a great commercial…my only complaint was that there wasn’t really enuf “Commando” to make sure there was nothing underneath.

    I was going Commando early on but now that I am “older” I have switched to cutting up old desktop ink blotters to help me through my day!

    Thanks for reading my stuff!

    • I often wondered about using corn cobs.

      When first “de-kerneled,” the corn cob is soft and I assume much better for anal use. If, however, the cob has been dried, I think it might be a tad on the rough side.

      Comparing them to “ripples,” might be a bit of a stretch. Maybe, the dried cobs were first dipped in a water bucket and allowed to soak while you read the Sears’ catalog…

      It is presumed that catalog pages were only used after the catalog had been read!

      Was that too much information? Thanks for reading!

  2. Commando really is no big deal…. the best underwear situation is Depends (or some less expensive alternative)… you don’t have to get up outta your favorite chair, or bed to go take a leak. In fact, you can pee in a restaurant, grocery store while walking, standing or sitting… no one notices… it even becomes a bit of an expression of your opinion on occasion. Fortunately, I can’t comment on the actual uncontrolled reason for using toilet paper yet but it’s my guess that there’s something out there to deal with that …. Oh yeah, it comes to me now…. The reason for this whole thing is wiping up afterward. I wonder if anyone has thought about paper made in proportional width to the aperture . D

    • DG … Wonderfully stated. With Depends, you’re never threatened with pissing in public! You can be a real “outlaw” and no one will ever know it.

      You could even stop, grab a lamppost or parking meter, cock your leg (however high you can get it to go now) and take a leak! No one can stop you!

      As for proportional paper for the “hole,” forget about it! Too expensive … your roll has already shrunk by as much as 12% according to TP experts (So they say.)

      Though I think it could lead to bragging rights for some really big A-holes!

      Just sayin’.

  3. How can we go commando when we have other more serious toilet paper issues. We can’t even agree on whether we unroll the TP from the front or the rear. I hate it when, in my very own house, somebody else changes the direction of my unwinding TP. So if you come to visit, leave the TP roll alone, please.

    • Ella … i know where you’re coming from! And, I promise that when I visit, your TP will remain untouched. I’ll bring my own … kinda like a BYO party for wine, except that it will be our little secret!

  4. Where did “Go Commando” come from? I never heard that until three days ago. Where did the idea emerge from? Please enlighten me.

    • Aha! An excellent question …

      It appears that the Americans and the English have a “claim” on the phrase.

      The Brits are said to have started it during WWII as a reference to the prostitutes in London’s West End (Maybe they meant Rear End!) when they called them “Piccadilly Commandos.”

      In the USA, it is thought to have originated during the Viet Nam era when GI’s went w/o underwear to enhance the ventilation to combat the constant dampness …

      Now, contemporary use is “Free-balling” for men and “Free-buffing” for women.

      Aren’t you glad you asked? Thanks for reading!

  5. My only question is, if you ‘go commando’ and you have to scratch your hemorrhoids, won’t it soil your white slacks? And if you fart, will you “be playing on the brown team” as we used to say back in the day?

  6. Oops … I’m really sorry but that was 2 questions. But there is only one answer: YES. That also presumes you’re stupid enuf to “Go Commando” in whites. Dark colors, my man. Dark colors!

    Thanks for reading my stuff!

  7. Sometimes simple solutions (and simple answers) are the best and the only way “to go.” Aargh … I can’t believe I just wrote that!

    Thanks for reading my stuff …

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