“Put your hands up and step away from the burrito!”

Sex crimes, physical assaults, property damage and life threats have all involved the “deadly burrito.”  They’ve also been used as codpieces – could be messy – and hiding places for drug smuggling.

What’s up with that?  Is it the ingredients, the mystical lure of Taco Bell architecture?

No matter.  The fact is burritos are an integral part of some of the most entertaining criminal cases in the USA, particularly in our fair state, Flori-duh.

We know that a couple was arrested on the roof of a Chipotle for “Burritos Interruptus.”  They were in hot coitus when arrested, and hadn’t even made it through the Chipotle line to ingest a damn burrito.

“Burrito Madness” is definitely a situation for further research.  We need to get The National Centers for Disease Control or at least the FBI in on this.  I’m not sure we have to involve Homeland Security.  At least for right now.

My guess is that XXL-burritos make excellent substitutes for hand held weapons.  Not all of us carry around a great pair of old fashioned brass knuckles or the military issued full finger tactical gloves used for helping people remember information that earlier had been “lost” … like, “Where’re the WMDs, Saddam?”

Sure, the XXL Burrito doesn’t cause much more than a mess when it collides with your target’s face, but it must provide a thrill or there wouldn’t be as many people arrested while using a burrito as an assault weapon.

As for the lure of the Taco Bell building … well that’s got to be one of the ugliest structures ever erected in the western world.

The colors clash, comfort was left out of the design because they don’t want you to stay in and eat.  And if you frequent the place you probably already have an anxiety problem caused by consuming food with an average 2000+ grams of salt per item.

Armed with a big assed burrito, this combination of aesthetic and biologic factors is enough to make anyone “flip out” and smack the hell out of the person you love, hate, or who just happens to be standing next to you.

Hmm … as I think about the squish of all the soft tissue involved, I get a bit excited.

Excuse me … I’m off to Taco Bell.  I suggest you wait a while before you go in there.  I could be the next wild eyed salt crazed white guy waving my foil wrapped burrito canon in someone’s face.

Just sayin’.

This past week was our 23rd anniversary.  After all these years I’m happy to report that I’ve learned a few hard earned lessons, though it’s obvious I’m still riding with training wheels.

This is what I’ve learned.

Don’t ever want your spouse to be “just like you.”  What a f**king disaster that would be. In my case, I know I would be physically dead twice and possibly more.  That’s because I can deny certain things and think they will go away … usually health related. She doesn’t do that and that’s “a good thing.”

Shit happens and it happens on a two-way street.  She’s not always wrong.  Always telling her that she’s wrong, therefore, is bad idea.  I know that now.  So, do I tell her that she’s wrong?  Yes I do, but not before, during, or after a discussion.  I also don’t say it aloud.

The two most important words in your relationship had better be, “Sure, hon.” Forget about the phrase, “Not in this lifetime.” Also “86” the phrase, “That’s a good idea. I’ll give it some thought.”

Sitting with her watching TV without talking for three hours is not what she calls “relating.”  It doesn’t matter how good you feel sitting there quietly thinking puerile thoughts.  Unless you’re facing each other, making eye contact, talking, and keeping your hands to yourself for a while, it doesn’t count as relating.

Learning to chomp on a bit of “crow” now and then is probably a good thing. Never, however, “crow about the fact that you’re eating crow.” Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Getting points is important.  Even though you may insist you’re not in “a game,” accumulating points occurs and you may as well have some stored up.  You get points by noticing things and then – here’s the secret – saying something intelligent about what you noticed. “Yeh, uhhu” and other similar grunts are not considered intelligent communication. Oh, by the way, your points are rarely redeemable but when they are, you cash in Big Time!

Laugh a lot … but never at your spouse.  Be funny, but don’t be a clown.  Be brave, but not stupid. Try to be handy … especially with knowing when to call in a real “Handy Man.” A man’s got to know his limits … ask Clint Eastwood.

And the most important thing I’ve learned is that you cannot tell her enough times how much you love her, how important she is to you, and how glad you are that you’re partners.

Just sayin’.

We’re at a crossroads. Our diets and protein sources have been dealt a huge blow right to the schnozz.

Now when you hear, “Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup,” it’s no longer considered a complaint. It’s a delicacy chock full of crunchy protein sans calories. In fact, you may face an up-charge for that bowl of soup with a fly.

These delicacies are not part of the Paleo Diet, the South Beach Diet or any of Dr. Oz’s frequently challenged dietary recommendations. They are straight from the dirt, filth and grime of countries where the norm is near-starvation rather than our native-obesity.

I call it the “Neo-Starvation Diet.”

All the protein you dare, or care to eat comes in the form of crickets, worms, ants and myriads of insects that thought their only predators were aardvarks, birds and chameleons – or humans armed with fly swatters.

Watch out you little beasties. Now that First World venture capitalists have you in their monetary sights, it’s an all out war on you bugs. We can do to the insect phyla what we’ve already done to the rhino, the Bengal tiger and the sperm whale – I just had to get “sperm” into this!

A quick hit on your computer to Amazon.com, and you’ll find a new grocery segment: Edible Bugs. Try it … and remember it’s free shipping if you’re a Prime subscriber.

It didn’t take Big Food long to get involved. Your crickets, worms and other assorted bugs come flavored – Sour Cream ‘N Onion, Salt ‘N Vinegar, Mexican Spice, and Cheddar Cheese. You have the ubiquitous chocolate covered any six-legged thing, and you can count on a pound of bugs being … well, a shit load of bugs.

I bet Amazon had shipping fried worms in mind when he started lobbying congress and the FAA for drone delivery air rights. A packet of those chocolate covered ants would fit easily in the clutches of an Amazon drone.

Given American entrepreneurship and ingenuity, I can already see acres of rotting garbage in Iowa replacing corn and soy beans as ConAgra and Monsanto duke it out for the rights to GMO flies.

This could save California’s drought stricken farmers. How much water does rotting garbage take? None, I bet. You can replace those water hogging almond trees with food waste delivered straight from LA’s finest restaurants.

It’s also another “Willie Nelson Moment.” A package deal – a bucket of crunchy critters to satisfy the munchies you’re bound to get from stoking up on four ounces of Willie’s Reserve, his commercial marijuana brand … Colorado and Washington residents only!

And for those of you still stuck in the DIY lifestyle, there’s no end to the feast you can prepare for the neighborhood.

Check out “The Eat-A-Bug Cookbook” with such goodies as Cream of Katydid Soup and Tantalizing Termites. To stock up on critters, it might take a week or two racing ‘round the hood with your old butterfly net and mason jar. But hey, if we’re getting back to basics, might as well by-pass the middle man and get your own grub – or grubs as the case may be.

Just sayin.’

As if SeaWorld didn’t have enough problems to contend with, now they’ve been dropped by Barbie.

Yes, that Barbie. The doll collected and dressed by pre-teen American girls and secretly fondled and undressed by their pre-teen brothers.

SeaWorld has felt the backlash of Killer Whales actually killing people, employees spilling the beans, the release of Blackfish, a behind the scenes non-documentary documentary, and pressure from PETA and other animal rights groups up in arms up about SeaWorld’s alleged animal cruelty. But in this public PR smack down with Barbie and PETA, SeaWorld is the loser, Barbie emerges as a public opinion winner, and PETA … well it’s PETA.

Barbie’s presence was felt all throughout SeaWorld with such kits as Rescue SeaWorld Wildlife Barbie, Splash and Spin Dolphin Trainer Barbie and SeaWorld Antarctica Play with Penguins Barbie.

When she stomps out and slams the SeaWorld front gate closed, what will happen to this perfect plastic body? Simple – Barbie will do fine. She’ll triple in price on eBay as the most collectible of all the Barbie dolls produced.

Meanwhile, unconfirmed rumors indicate that Mattel, Barbie and PETA are busy in secret meetings designing the new PETA Animal Friendly Barbie.

PETA, sparked by the possibility of a retail income stream to boost their bottom line, came to the meeting with prototypes already developed.

“Never leave your Dog in the Car Barbie,” “Not all Pit Bulls are Bad Barbie,” “Really Free Range Chicken Barbie,” and “Uncaged Pork Loin Barbie” are ready for the plastic molds. And if PETA and Mattel want to keep an ocean theme current (pun intended), there’s always the “Keep your F’ing Plastic out of the Ocean Barbie.” All kits will include appropriate signage and battery powered sound systems to shout insults to the public.

As for Barbie fashions, the state of California with their new “Free the Chickens” legislation is a prime market for PETA Barbie. California’s where the chicken feather Barbie fashion line will be launched. Bright frilly outfits will attract the girls and Barbie’s perfect plastic cleavage and tight bunned butt will still be there for the boys. (All feathers are collected without harming or embarrassing a single chicken!)

It’s a win-win for everybody. Clearly, PETA and Barbie are a dynamic marketing duo. And all SeaWorld trainers can now relax – no more competition against the perfect-plastic-body Barbie Trainers!

It’s a sure thing.